RE: Trying to understand boundaries

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OsideGirl -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/2/2008 7:43:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists quote: ORIGINAL: Angelfood Does a slave draw those types of lines? can she? And if so, how? In my relationship, I do not get to draw the lines of what is or is not appropriate, he does. That is how our relationship is structured. He has all the authority within the relationship. Yeah, except her relationship looks like it's on the path to becoming an abusive relationship. In that case, the slave gets to draw the line of what is appropriate. Just because you're a slave doesn't mean the the "D" gets to abuse verbally or otherwise. She has the authority to protect herself from harm. Period.

RCdc -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/2/2008 9:03:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Angelfood This is my first post (although i've been a community member at collarme since early 2006), so, hello A/all! i would greatly appreciate talking with A/anybody that can offer advice or insight: i've been with my Master for nearly a year, and He moved in with me a few months ago. i care about Him very deeply. But i have questions about my own ability to "draw lines" on what behavior is acceptable to me within a romantic and life-sharing relationship, and how our M/s comittment fits with my own boundaries. To be more specific, there are things He does and things He requires of me that i do not like. And i genuinely do not know whether to accept His behavior and His requirements because He is my Master, and because it is my consensual position as a slave to accept those things ... or whether some of His behavior and requirements are truly past my tolerance as to what i will and won't accept in a relationship. i am starting to fall into a depression through worry over these things, and whether or not to continue this relationship or seek release. i am truly not at peace. Does a slave draw those types of lines? can she? And if so, how? Thank Y/you all in advance for any thoughts. How many months is a few months? It is absolutely possible that your master is still finding his feet. Not only has he taken you on, but your family. It takes time to adjust and yes maybe losing temper and verbal insults aren't the best way to go - but if this is just a few months, then there has to be an adjustment time. And during this adjustment period it is vital you inform your dominant what is unacceptable for you and what is inappropriate. You are telling him or making decisions, you are keeping him informed. You wait and let him think it through and make the decision as to whether he accepts this or not. If he does - it will all be good. If he doesn't then you will have to make the choice to to continue to submit. the.dark.

RCdc -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/2/2008 9:07:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Yeah, except her relationship looks like it's on the path to becoming an abusive relationship. In that case, the slave gets to draw the line of what is appropriate. Just because you're a slave doesn't mean the the "D" gets to abuse verbally or otherwise. She has the authority to protect herself from harm. Period. I don't believe it is constructive or helpful to assume on her posts that it's becoming an abusive relationship. Dominants fuck up sometimes and if she isn't informing him there is a problem, he cannot amend the problem. Sometimes, s-types initiate the abuse by keeping quiet because 'its not their place' and then a couple of years down the line then inform the dominant they are 'abusing them'. It's not always the dominants 'fault' or 'issue' when they aren't informed. the.dark.

RealSub58 -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/2/2008 10:44:31 AM)
I myself have been thinking about things, parts of him and me, that neither one of us knows about unless we live together. Living together is very different than short visits. We cannot live together for even a week as I have "my kids," which are pets, that he will not tolerate as he has a very selfish and protective cat. Neither one of our homes are big enough to include private spaces for each of us and "the farm yard." But we both know that moving in is a big step and we cannot do so unless we look at things and dissect them and make a choice. A third dwelling is the best option but neither of us are financially prepared for this. I noticed the "ums." Another factor. IMHO, sometimes people are so anxious to live together that they cannot see broader consequences. I have no problem with Sir setting boundaries and me hving my own as well, but these things must be worked on prior to livings arrangements together. As his submissive, even now, he makes the final choice through guidance and direction but there is always a discussion. No matter how "alike" another relationship might appear, there are no 2 alike.

girlivy -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/2/2008 12:36:12 PM)
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Fulcher3.html Here is something I found. I do help it helps you. Reguradless if vanilla, chocolate, or mint...... Cheers!

kyraofMists -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/2/2008 6:13:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Angelfood Thank you Knight's Kyra - my dynamic with Him is a bit like yours ... which i guess is why i am having trouble drawing lines in my own head between what is something i should simply accept, versus what is something that should be brought up and discussed. i think i will be looking at a long discussion this evening. ;) i'm not so very good at that ... In my relationship, I don't make the decision on what should be discussed with him or not. If something is having a negative impact on my mental state then I discuss it with him. It is not my decision on whether to just accept it or to discuss it with him. I am required to share it with him. He will then decide if it is something that I need to accept or if changes need to be made. Once he decides that I need to accept something, then it comes down to whether I can accept or am I in a relationship that is not compatible with who I am as a person. quote: Only, there are other times that He gets very angry over a small transgression - like either me or my kids make some noise that wakes Him in the morning - and His response towards me doesn't feel consensual to me at all! i am having trouble with what i should be accepting of, given our agreement as to His authority. :( Honestly, this information is extremely vague. My Lord has a temper and he can get incredibly pissed off. When he is angry he is very verbal and loud. This is something he told me about multiple times before I entered a relationship with him. He can get really pissed off over things that I consider to be very nit-picky and minor. But they are not minor to him. They are his pet-peeves and the entire house is required to be considerate of his pet-peeves and not do them. If you do them, you will get a verbal lashing from him. One of his pet-peeves is being woken up when he is trying to sleep. He works very odd hours, as an example, just as we were going to bed last night, he received a phone call and had to leave the house. He did not get back to the house until 1 PM this afternoon. By that time he had been up working for almost 36 hours. I was given specific instructions not to wake him up unless it was an emergency. If anyone else had been home, they would have received the same instructions. If we had been noisey and disturbed his rest, he would have been pissed and we would have gotten our ass chewed out. His temper doesn't bother me most of the times. If I have screwed up, then I accept the consequences of my error and figure out how not to do it again. If I need help, I ask him "what should I have done differently?" The only time his temper bothers me is when I cannot see what other options I could have chosen to avoid the consequence. Those times are definitely discussed with him. Sometimes, it results in an apology for him losing his temper. Other times, it results in a discussion on how I can better do things. If I was not able to get to a point mentally where his temper did not impact my well-being, then I would have had to make the choice to leave the relationship. It took effort on my part to not make myself responsible for his moods. His mood is his choice. Sometimes he makes that choice because of something me or someone else in the house did. Other times he makes that choice just because he is having a bad day. No matter what choice he makes, he is responsible for it. I am responsible for choosing how I react to his choice. I choose not to allow his temper to make me feel bad about who I am as a person. Given how vague your comment was regarding his temper, this information may or may not be of any use to you in your relationship. Making any comments about what he is or isn't doing is extremely unrealistic because it would be based on assumptions. Nothing you stated raises any red flags for me based on this information alone. I don't see it as at all unreasonable to expect other people within a house to be considerate of someone else trying to get the sleep that they need. However, I have the perspective that I suffered from insomnia for years and any sleep I was able to achieve was fiercely protected. I don't perceive disturbing someone else's sleep as a small thing. Knight's Kyra

kyraofMists -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/2/2008 6:18:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Yeah, except her relationship looks like it's on the path to becoming an abusive relationship. Why? Because he gets angry? Because if anger is all that indicates a path to an abusive relationship then I am in an abusive relationship and so are him and Alandra. We all get angry; we all express our anger and sometimes rather loudly. That doesn't make it abuse. Knight's Kyra

swtnsparkling -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/2/2008 6:53:19 PM)
quote: To be more specific, there are things He does and things He requires of me that i do not like. And i genuinely do not know whether to accept His behavior and His requirements because He is my Master, and because it is my consensual position as a slave to accept those things ... or whether some of His behavior and requirements are truly past my tolerance as to what i will and won't accept in a relationship. After a year together you didnt know about any of these things? Nothing was ever discussed? Limits, life, dislikes anything? Sounds like you two don't know each other at all. Oh and if you are his "slave" you do what your told because you have already agreed when you accepted being his slave.

OsideGirl -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/2/2008 8:24:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl Yeah, except her relationship looks like it's on the path to becoming an abusive relationship. Why? Because he gets angry? Because if anger is all that indicates a path to an abusive relationship then I am in an abusive relationship and so are him and Alandra. We all get angry; we all express our anger and sometimes rather loudly. That doesn't make it abuse. Knight's Kyra It's not about getting angry, it's about "how" he's getting angry. Keep in mind that I said "It looks" I did not definitively say it was abusive. However, I will say from my training as a relationship counselor, it seems like she's walking on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop. (Which is the classic pose of an abused partner.) Out of proportion anger is different than just being angry. While, hopefully, communicating solves the problem, she needs to know that if it becomes abuse, she has the right to draw the line and get out.

lilpetuk -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/3/2008 2:15:51 AM)
agrees with all posties, such good advice. a Dom/Master should sit down and listen and there should be communication between the two of you, your welfare and happiness is as important as his. Remember you are human, your state of mind and health are your concern also, and becoming depressed in a relationship needs addressing. I wish you well. hugssssss

DesFIP -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/3/2008 4:46:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Sometimes, s-types initiate the abuse by keeping quiet because 'its not their place' and then a couple of years down the line then inform the dominant they are 'abusing them'. It's not always the dominants 'fault' or 'issue' when they aren't informed. the.dark. You seriously believe that adults should need to be informed it isn't okay to speak in a demeaning manner to a mother in front of her ums? And that it's the victim's fault? Because I don't believe I should teach anyone this. If this 'dom' was a decent person he would be modeling respect. Instead he is being verbally abusive towards her, about them. And if this is how it starts, only a couple of months into the relationship, then it is inevitable that it will spiral down into physical abuse of her, and them. Go talk to anyone who has been through this, the pattern is clear.

kyraofMists -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/3/2008 7:03:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl It's not about getting angry, it's about "how" he's getting angry. Keep in mind that I said "It looks" I did not definitively say it was abusive. However, I will say from my training as a relationship counselor, it seems like she's walking on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop. (Which is the classic pose of an abused partner.) Out of proportion anger is different than just being angry. While, hopefully, communicating solves the problem, she needs to know that if it becomes abuse, she has the right to draw the line and get out. Maybe I missed it, but where exactly does it say how he gets angry? I have re-read all of her posts to this thread and there is no indication of how he gets angry. Any conclusions drawn about how he is getting angry are assumptions on the part of the reader. If she is walking on eggshells, another assumption, it could be as much about her reactions, that she may be unsure how to constructively deal with the situation, than it is about him getting angry. I can say that from experience. I hated it when anyone was angry, even if they were not angry at me. When anger was expressed around me, I felt very small and worthless. That was my issue to deal with. That didn't have anything to do with other people getting angry. Knight's Kyra

kyraofMists -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/3/2008 7:07:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP You seriously believe that adults should need to be informed it isn't okay to speak in a demeaning manner to a mother in front of her ums? And that it's the victim's fault? Saying that this is what is happening is an assumption. The OP did not specifically say that his anger was expressed in front of anyone other than her. If he has no idea how she is choosing to respond to his anger, then yeah, it is her fault for not communicating it to him. quote: Instead he is being verbally abusive towards her, about them. And if this is how it starts, only a couple of months into the relationship, then it is inevitable that it will spiral down into physical abuse of her, and them. Assumptions... Assumptions.... Assumptions.... Verbal abuse? Where does it say this is happening? She did not mention abuse. You are putting words into her mouth. Knight's Kyra

NewlySingle329 -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/4/2008 5:16:19 PM)
My opinion - slave or not, trust your gut. Communication is key here. If you are not at peace, then talk to him. Hopefully, that communication (whatever the outcome) will help find you peace. Best wishes. ~NS329

saint2sinners -> RE: Trying to understand boundaries (10/4/2008 5:56:19 PM)
I can't say anything about the D/s aspect of the relationship but the one think i would like to say regardless of D/s or vanilla is this. People forget, yes he moved in with your recently, but that doesn't mean he has to stay for long if it's not working. I'm not saying it isn't and he won't listen when you speak. I'm just saying don't feel you can't ask him to leave if you want him too just because he's moved in.

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