WhiplashSmile2
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Joined: 6/11/2008
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I was abused when I was little by a neighbor. Not only sexually, but mentally and physically as well. I was not a very co-operative victim needless to say. Abuse like this is not centered around sex as much as it is power. Kids fighting back can be over powered, if anything perhaps this made it all the more excieting for my abuser that I fought back and was non-complient.
It's a bit of a catch 22 mind fuck situation. Where if you fight back you are only goning to somehow make it worse for yourself, but if you don't you are giving in to what is being done to you. This abuse happened to me when I was between 4-5 years old. Thank God my family moved. All this happened when it was 1970. The education awareness and levels of this stuff has greatly improved.
However, for the next 10 years I suffered extreme Night Terrors (All part of PTSD). Although we had moved I still was being attacked at night by some evil force in my dreams. There are other ways that it had effected me, but it's all taken time and many years to deal and sort out. Many years without knowing anything about PTSD, nor anybody realizing what was really going on with me. Thank God, PTSD is something that people are aware of now days.
The Night Terrors, with waking Dreams, being totally froozen in bed with my eyes open and unable to move, experiecing what is comparable to what a demonic attack by some supernatural force. Scarey Stuff. Part of my life felt like I was living out my personal Horror story with a Demonic Enity watching me over my shoulder, ready to strike at any moment.
I remember at one point in time, I turned towards God and Jesus to save me. I had started making crosses like mad, blessing them and hanging them all around my room. Prayers and all that. Still my demonic friend of night terror dreams did not stay gone for long. I actually resorted to exploring wiccian ways as well. Working with spells, wards and anything having to deal with magical protection. That did not work out so well either. :-( The older I grew, I would try anything spiritual or magical that I discovered to no avail.
Something amazing started to happen. Instead of being fearful of this Demonic attacker in my Night Terror dreams. I grew frustrated. I wanted it to go away. I wanted it to be gone. I wanted to sleep safe and sound. So many years and this thing had not killed me yet. OK, frustration sets in.
Frustration leading to something called angar. I actually started to become pissed off. It's now the 1980-1981 time period. 10 years of this Hell was enough for me. I became menatally empowered to want to fight back. If God, Jesus and witchcraft and all things spiritual have failed me. Last resort is for me to fight back myself. Nothing else was working. So, I started working with manipulating things inside my dreams. The attacks would occur while I was dreaming and I'd open my eyes to have it continue to happen outside of my dreams. Whenever I was attacked in my dreams, I was working on trying to not run and stick it out. Felt like this process took forever, however I felt myself growing stronger in my dreams. Then there was that one last night, when I was in waking dream mode. Eyes wide open and feeling my legs being shook, being attacked. I tried really hard to speak. It was so hard, it was like being in a paralyzed body. I managed to slowly and speak for the first time ever. I asked "Who are you". I still don't understand to this day, why I asked that question. Of all things in the world I could have said.
I felt my legs stop being shook, the hands letting go of me. Silence, the attack at stopped. I was laying there waiting for the response. Intense new territory to be in. I was wondering what my evil demonic attacker was thinking. Then Next thing I felt, the complete weight of my Demonic attacker come crashing down upon my whole body. Another new first. Wow... what happened next I was not prepared for. I had never heard this demonic enitity speak ever!! However, is a low low low deep voice there was a whisper I'll never forget! Slowly speaking and saying ... "On of these days I'm going to get you"... then it felt literally like it disappeared. The weight upon me vanishing off my body.
That was it, the last time I had had a direct attack. I felt somewhat empowered. However for a few more years, it would attempt to attack me in my dreams. Whenever it tried, I would chase it down and go after it. I wanted to kick it's fucking ass. My demonic attacker was really a pussy. Oh boy lions and tigers and bears.
Now, this was just one of many battles I've had with PTSD. There are many things I've had to overcome, deal with or work past. However, one thing remains consistent. That that when I've had enough of something, to be bold enough to face it and work at dealing with it. To push myself even.
There was another time period, when I myself literally started ripping into things and turning my world upside down. As somebody pointed out on this thread already. The whole flooding sensation that can occur. I discovered a whole treasure chest of hidden memories by accident. It was literally a flood and there were moments when I literally found myself curled up and reliving the whole experience again. I had one conselor who noticed I literally was talking like a 4-5 year old during one of these memories when it unsurfaced. I was still in touch with myself as an adult, however during this flashback.
The kicker is this, that I was urged by some to take things slowly. However, I'm a little hard headed and I pushed myself really hard. It was a crazy time period. It really paid off, no matter how much of a Hell ride it was.
As others have mentioned grounding helps a lot. I actually have to ground myself at times and be attuned with my own past, and rationalize what is going on. I have to make a conscious choice of pushing forward and doing. The more you do, the more you actually sort of deprogram your mind. Should I say reprogram yourself with new actually living experiences. You really can't replace your past. However you can some to new understandings, see things in a different light as an adult. When you are a kid, you really don't understand nor are able to cope with a lot things, that you can as an adult.
So for me, I had to open up my past, gain a different view or perspective of what happened to me. To push myself past some hangups and do things that were not always easy to do. To repeat repeat and rinse. (a little humor there).
Also one thing that is empowering is to open up and talk about this with other people at times. It's another way of breaking the chains that are holding you to the abuse.
One thing I deeply appreciate are the strengths that resulted from my abuse. It effects you in both positive and negative ways. I know it might seem difficult to see the good in the middle of so much darkness, but it's there if you really look at yourself and who you are as awhole person.
One thing with PTSD and how past abuse effects you, just when you think you've figured everything out and have worked pasted every problem, you discover a new one to work through. Not a bad thing, even more so when the new issues are not as bad as the previous ones. :-)
Needless to say, I no longer believe I was the victim of Demonic attack. My mind is free from that sort of ingorance and dark age thinking. However, for the longest time, I believed this in my mind because it was the only thing that made sense to me.
Spotting PTSD early on, getting help for it and being able to understand it can make all the world of difference in somebody's life.
I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your issues. You can work past them!! It gets better in time with the more work you put into it. One thing is for certain ingoring the problems or what is going on won't fix it. Take it at whatever pace you feel is right or needed for you.
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Getting over PTSD - 
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