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starting a first ever relationship - 10/2/2008 5:40:50 AM   
saint2sinners


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/1/2008
Status: offline 		Hi.

I wondered if all you ladies and gentlemn with more experiacne can help me wiht a little perspective.

I'm new to the site, the scene and things in general online. In RL I've nevr been in a relationship, had any sexual interation or even been kissed. I havn't dated or anything of the such and am 22. Just so you know where I'm starting from.

My question is from your experiace, should I be looking to start from a vanilla point regarding a first relationship or be looking for where my interest lies which to be honest has only recently ripped over from curioisty to a more definite understanding in myself.

I am in no real rush and am not looking to jump in and find a dom immediatly or such but emotionally and mentally wonder if it isn't better to have a vanilla starting board in relationship history to have a better understnading of who I am and what this life could mean to me.

Could you maybe offer my some adive or opions?


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When one person sleeps they dream, when two dream together that dream becomes reality.
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RE: starting a first ever relationship - 10/2/2008 5:46:36 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If the reason you've never dated is because you needed something they didn't offer, and you have just identified that something as falling into the BDSM umbrella, then how is dating someone who can't give you what you need going to help?

If you need someone who is into whatever just like you, then why not have it all? Date, just date guys that are also into what you need. That doesn't mean you commit to anyone of them on the first date. It does mean you limit your dating partners to those who share this interest. The way a serious Baptist would limit her dating partners to other Baptists, you limit your partners to those who share your BDSM interests.

However you go out on vanilla dates with them. You meet for coffee, you go to the movies, you go for walks in the park, try out new restaurants etc. And if/when you click, you already know that you are on the same page BDSMwise.

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RE: starting a first ever relationship - 10/2/2008 6:22:35 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Well what a wonderful road you have ahead of you!  

DesFIP's advice is spot on in my opinion.  I also think you should take care of yourself first.  Ask a lot of questions - especially if anything that you are encountering sounds or feels strange, awkward, or wrong to you.  This is all new to you and frankly, there are some sharks in these waters.  This site is a great resource - read a lot here, ask questions, become part of this community, and form your own opinions.

And when you think you are ready, write down why you want to be submissive, what you want out of it, and what -you- can bring to a Dominant.  Think about if you want a relationship, or just want play partners with limited commitment...will that relationship include love?  Put those conclusions you draw into your profile to hopefully attract the type of person you want in your life.

All of those things will hopefully steer you to the type of person you want in your life. 

Be Safe, be Smart, be Informed and have Fun!

Hope that helps and Welcome! 


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RE: starting a first ever relationship - 10/2/2008 7:28:57 AM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline 		i'm in a similar boat, but all i can recommend is staying away from users and wankers and finding someone who is patient, understanding, and doesn't mind or rather flat out prefers taking things at a slow pace. 

since you're looking for a male, i would also say good luck to that. =p


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great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

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RE: starting a first ever relationship - 10/2/2008 7:37:35 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Read these boards for a while. Form your options form the opinions on here.

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RE: starting a first ever relationship - 10/2/2008 9:19:53 AM   
MrHarsh


Posts: 56
Joined: 9/28/2008
Status: offline 		Go slow.  Learn. But at the same time, don't be so slow that you're not moving.

First, just make some friends in the lifestyle.  Talk to them.  Listen to their stories about the good things and bad things that have happened to them.  Learn from their mistakes.

Take relationships slowly.  Make sure that you're with someone you can trust. 

From how you describe yourself, you are trying to do TWO things.  First, you need experience with relationships of any kind. Second, you are interested in this lifestyle.  Trying to do two things at once might be difficult.  There's nothing wrong with pursuing vanilla relationships until you have more experience.  At the same time, there's nothing wrong with exploring the BDSM scene.

You can explore the lifestyle as long as your Dom understands and respects your position.  Remember to talk with him/her and establish clear boundaries early on.  If your Dom really cares for you at all, he/she will respect these boundaries.  A good Dom always has the best interests of the sub in mind and will take responsibility to make sure that she isn't ever really harmed.

As odd as this may sound, you might want to see if any potential Doms have references.  Before getting too involved, you might ask him if you can get in touch with some of his other/former subs to see what he's like.

You can also try on-line or cam play first.  If things get out of control, it's very easy to say no and you can always turn the camera off.

In any relationship - vanilla, D/s, whatever - communication is always the key.  If you can't talk to your partner then you have a problem with your relationship.

I honestly believe (some will disagree) that sex is sex and love is love.  It's possible to separate the two, but it's something You have to be prepared for.  If you don't feel comfortable trying to separate them, then don't try.  You need to search your soul and decide what's right for you.



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RE: starting a first ever relationship - 10/2/2008 10:38:36 AM   
Daes


Posts: 246
Joined: 4/20/2007
From: Diamond Bar, SoCal
Status: offline 		Welcome =)

You'll do fine hun. Educate yourself, do some self discovering, and get to know who you are and what you want.

The only real difference between nilla and D/s relationships is that in a D/s relationship you have a set structure, one partner is a leader, the other partner follows. In vanilla relationships you dont have these, it constantly change and that can lead to uneccesary power struggles or a lost sense of direction.

Definately go slow and do your homework, you are always responsible for You. Good luck ^^


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~*Estrellita*~
I want to be in surrender of His strength, of His power. Alone, I am nothing, but in His arms I am all things...

~His puppy~

(in reply to MrHarsh)
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RE: starting a first ever relationship - 10/2/2008 12:33:50 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

The only real difference between nilla and D/s relationships is that in a D/s relationship you have a set structure, one partner is a leader, the other partner follows. In vanilla relationships you dont have these, it constantly change and that can lead to uneccesary power struggles or a lost sense of direction.


Uh, NO!

I don't think there is a respected dominant on this board who would say they always lead and their partners always follow.  A wise dominant recognizes that sometimes their partner might make THAT choice better than they do.  Now they might retain final authority but that is a rather different concepts.

As for vanilla, there are plenty that have rather extreme power exchange going on.

The difference is that we have a LANGUAGE to discuss those things, that we, with intent, talk about and negotiate that power exchange/authority transfer, and do so in a consensual way.  Even if I say "I don't negotiate, you either want to play with me or you don't" that is still negotiation and I still require clear consent.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 10/2/2008 12:34:34 PM >

(in reply to Daes)
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RE: starting a first ever relationship - 10/2/2008 1:40:30 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Daes.
The only real difference between nilla and D/s relationships is that in a D/s relationship you have a set structure, one partner is a leader, the other partner follows. In vanilla relationships you dont have these, it constantly change and that can lead to uneccesary power struggles or a lost sense of direction.



That is an absolutely false statement.  There are plenty of non Ds relationships that have power based structures (in other words 'vanilla' which is a word I loathe).
Just because you feel a loss of direction when in 'vanilla' reationships, does not mean that is the way it is for everyone.
 
My thought to the OP is to be yourself and just take things as they come.  As long as you communicate clearly when entering any relationship, you can find the person that you can be compatable with.  Don't settle.  Work out what you want and who you are right now ad build on it from there.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Daes)
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RE: starting a first ever relationship - 10/3/2008 3:03:40 AM   
saint2sinners


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/1/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you all for the ideas and information. I really do appreciate it and you all gave me a lot to consider and think about so thank you for the time you gave to answer




_____________________________

When one person sleeps they dream, when two dream together that dream becomes reality.

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: starting a first ever relationship - 10/5/2008 7:52:44 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		Two other things is find local events and/or munches to attend and get to know people.
 
As well, there are several good books to help. Look up John Warren who is an author who has published The Loving Dominant. Another one is Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns...I think. I know they are available on Amazon but can't think of the other sites that I have read in the forums before.
 
Finding a partner includes all the "normal" things one does in finding a partner. Coffee, talking, movie watching...just to name a few.

(in reply to saint2sinners)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: starting a first ever relationship - 10/6/2008 4:00:29 AM   
strD


Posts: 4
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline 		FAKE

(in reply to saint2sinners)
Profile   Post #: 12
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