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Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/2/2008 10:22:05 PM   
WhisperSupremacy


Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline 		I was just thinking back to one of my relationships to several years ago.  This was before I was involved in bdsm,.... we were just a vanilla couple, however there was a little kink in our bedroom play....

Anyway, this girl was (and still to this day) a total mystery to me.....  In the bedroom, she was very submissive in the fact that she openly admitted she wanted to be controlled, used, and she enjoyed pain quite a bit.  We were both very open about our desires towards each other,... she suggested typical role play, such as rape fantasies, etc.  I had no problem with trying it out, so we did....  I could tell in the heat of the moment, she enjoyed pain and submission very much.  It was practically the only thing that really got her off.  The more persistant, demanding, controlling, and even slightly abusive I was (in the bedroom) the more she would cum and enjoy it.

Here's the twisted part....

Outside the bedroom, she was 100% purely dominant.  I mean, she would litterally go out of her way to start arguements with me just because she wanted to win them.  She enjoyed trying to walk all over me.  She tested my limits all the time.  She hated the fact that I would stand up to her.  She hated being talked back to.  Anyway, she said specifically QUOTE:  "A woman should be praised, worshipped, and treated like a queen".  She believed in female supremacy and refused to be in a relationship with a guy that would not worship her and treat her like the highest honor of life.  That's how she was outside the bedroom.

......But in the bedroom she's the exact opposite.  Personally, I just think this chic was fucked up in the head.  I have never known or heard of anyone else like this,... someone is completly one way in the bedroom and exactly the opposite outside of it.  And this chic took it to the extreme too... she wasn't a switch,... she didn't swing a little one way and the other,.... it was either totally black or totally white with this chic,...no grey area whatsoever.

Is anyone on this board like this,...or has anyone ever encountered anyone like this.  Just curious, that's all. 
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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/2/2008 10:43:15 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		Yep....there are many high ranking executives that are very submissive.  I think you are confusing sexuality with personality.  In the bedroom someone might, as your girl, love to be lead into doing deliciously wicked acts.  It's what turns the person on....a paraphilia, perhaps even a fetish.  Out of the bedroom they have no desire to be lead because they really do have a dominant personality.  I don't really see any conflict. 

(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)
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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/2/2008 11:14:13 PM   
StacyCat


Posts: 112
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Why do you have to be "fucked in the head" to be both argumenative and enjoy rough kinky sex?  There are many people that are far different in their sexual lives than they are in their professional or relationship lives, that doenst mean someone is "fucked in the head."

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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/2/2008 11:19:49 PM   
FaerieQueene


Posts: 32
Joined: 9/16/2008
Status: offline 		Although it sounds like your ex was a bit extreme in her shows of "dominance," I understand the switch in behavior. I was reading a thread the other day (titled: "ok, then what IS submissive?") that distinguished between "sexual submissives, "relationship submissives," and "personality submissives." I thought it was a quite brilliant distinction. It sounds like your ex was a sexual submissive. From my limited knowledge of the lifestyle, I feel like there are some women who exert control over every aspect of their life, except in the bedroom. During sex, they feel submissive (often, for some, but not always) largely due to their need to be in control the rest of the time.

Just my two cents. Hope that helps :)

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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 2:08:20 AM   
djaleksandr


Posts: 203
Joined: 3/10/2008
Status: offline 		I can be very submissive in the bedroom sometimes, but I am in no way submissive in my day-to-day.  In fact, I've had problems with former lovers whenever I felt the submissive urge, because, and I quote, "I just can't comprehend you being submissive to anyone."  Hrmpf.

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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 2:17:15 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		I don't see a conflict here, either.  My guess is that this kind of thing--for otherwise 'dominant' individuals to be sexually submissive (or, otherwise submissive individuals to be sexually dominant)--would be very common maybe more common than something that would seem to be more consistent.


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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 2:20:11 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		What we do physically may or may not be related to what we do mentally. I prefer to have a partner who is more aggressive for sex and who can Top me in the way I want, went I want. So, it a lot of ways, it seems I'm like her...only I don't deliberately start arguments. I may bottom from time to time, but I'm always Dominant. Some people call that a switch, some don't.

Master Fire


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(in reply to WhisperSupremacy)
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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 3:39:08 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		No conflict. I would suggest that because she always had to be in control in day to day life that that's why she wanted to relax and be more passive in the bedroom. Like a seesaw the two sides are opposite in order to create a working balance.

Besides you're assuming that masochism, the enjoyment of pain, means submissive. It doesn't. All it means when someone likes pain is that they like pain. They may also submit, but they may also prefer vanilla to strawberry ice cream. Zero cause and effect.

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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 7:10:56 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Well it's likely she's not really secure in her submission and needs to repress it and "prove" to herself that she's a strong person in general in order to release her submission in cover of darkness.  Someone who starts fights just to have a fight isn't dominant, they are an asshole. 

But there's no conflict really, our personal orientation isn't what we do or how we act.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 8:51:52 AM   
bound4more


Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhisperSupremacy

Personally, I just think this chic was fucked up in the head. 


Really? Did you tell her that before or after you fucked her. ha ha ha ha - Interesting.

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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 9:02:23 AM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		I think that's a fairly common dichotomy. At least, I've run across it a number of times.

On one hand, she's very assertive in her life outside of the bedroom, and can sometimes even be confrontational and stubborn. She demands not only respect and equality, but seems to go even farther, and wants the upper hand all the time. She's very into the concept of empowerment, and sometimes it seems like she's overcompensating for perceived gender inequity. She bristles at the thought of "traditional" women's roles. On the other hand, in the bedroom, she wants to be the classic submissive damsel in distress, and the guy has to suddenly be the aggressor, direct all the action, sweep her off her feet. She wants a man to be sexually aggressive, but she wants to control everything else. She wants to eat her cake and still have it (which, by the way, is the more logical form of the adage "to have your cake and eat it, too".

Nothing wrong with it, it just takes a guy who's compatible with that type to make the relationship work.

I think that most women lean toward the classic "sweep me off my feet", aggressive male, in the bedroom. Whether it's cultural conditioning or biologically determined, or both, it does seem to be prevalent. That seems to be true whether they are submissive, neutral, or dominant outside of the bedroom.

In the OP's case, you could even view this seeming contradiction as consistent, depending on how you look at it. If you view her bedroom submissiveness as actually fulfillment of her deep desires and fantasies, and making the man do all the work, it's entirely consistent with her dominant attitude outside the bedroom.

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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 9:26:44 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		I'm inclined to look at this in quite a different way.  Why would you consider this a "role reversal"?  If you accept that it's a role reversal, you would have to accept that each of us has only one role in life.  That we are homogenized, uniform, and ridgid.  And frankly, that's just not the reality of life.
 
We have many roles in life... parent, child, sibling, employer, employee, neighbor, friend, etc.  And recognizing that we interact with different people on different levels isn't some kind of role reversal.  It's just the nuances of life.
 
John

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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 4:30:59 PM   
WhisperSupremacy


Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bound4more

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhisperSupremacy

Personally, I just think this chic was fucked up in the head. 


Really? Did you tell her that before or after you fucked her. ha ha ha ha - Interesting.


LOL,...yeah well, we all make mistakes in life.... 

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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 4:36:37 PM   
WhisperSupremacy


Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StacyCat

Why do you have to be "fucked in the head" to be both argumenative and enjoy rough kinky sex?  There are many people that are far different in their sexual lives than they are in their professional or relationship lives, that doenst mean someone is "fucked in the head."


Well there's a lot more to this chic than just that.  It would take hundreds of pages for me to completly describe her and my experiences with her, but I'm not going to go into all of that.

To make a long story short:  There were a lot of other reasons why I claimed her as being "fucked in the head",..... and go figure, last time I spoke with her a couple years ago she mentioned that she finally went to the doctor and is now taking prescription medication for her psychological disorder.

....so, in reality, yeah she was fucked in the head..... she even admitted that to me herself.  I know my bland one paragraph description of her doesn't make it out to be that way,....but like I said, theres sooooo much more to the story than just that, and you'd really have to know this chic personally to see what I mean.

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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 4:38:09 PM   
WhisperSupremacy


Posts: 74
Joined: 4/7/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Someone who starts fights just to have a fight isn't dominant, they are an asshole. 



Thankyou.  100% agreed.

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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 8:32:12 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Well it's likely she's not really secure in her submission and needs to repress it and "prove" to herself that she's a strong person in general in order to release her submission in cover of darkness.  Someone who starts fights just to have a fight isn't dominant, they are an asshole. 

But there's no conflict really, our personal orientation isn't what we do or how we act.


Not necessarily, she may simply have preferred one type of person sexually while being smart enough to know that the 'bad boy type', for example, is not someone you want to have making decisions for you. It isn't uncommon for people to be turned on by those who they are not long term compatible with. And considering the op is in his 20's now, and this was a past relationship, perhaps he was not someone wise enough at 23 to make decisions for another.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/3/2008 10:59:26 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Hence the word "likely"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Role reversals outside the bedroom - 10/4/2008 3:44:58 AM   
tweedydaddy


Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		what happens in the living room is no indication of what happens in the bedroom. Where would the fun be in dominating a doormat?

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