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RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/5/2005 11:28:53 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		very well stated! I think people mistake a checklist of kink--as expectations and it goes far far deeper than that-- I also see that there was time in your relationship to get to know the "person"---we too often forget that---for any relationship to work, the people aspect must be considered and their expectations in the relationship---

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 12/5/2005 11:29:24 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/5/2005 4:04:50 PM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline 		This is a great topic for discussion and I'm glad you brought it up. I hope that many of those that are newer to WIITWD, as well as those who are currently searching, take the time to analyze what their personal expectations are, of themselves as well as their prospective partners. It's difficult, if not impossible, to find a good match if i don't know what I'm looking for or what I'm prepared to offer.
When I first spoke with toy, I knew who I was and who I was not, what I did and did not want, what was essential and what I would consider intolerable. I didn't need to offer a list, as the information came out naturally during conversation. In the same way, as we spoke at length about ourselves, toy clued me in on who and what she is and what she was looking for in a dominant partner.
Whenever we reached a point that was unclear to one of us, we discussed it until we both had an accurate understanding of the differences in our respective positions. Negotiation flowed very naturally with "what if", "would you be willing to try" and "is that an absolute" questions that helped clarify our common starting points. All our conversations were very laid-back and easy-going because we both understood the neccessity of determining long-term compatability or else ruling it out and moving on to the next prospect. Neither of us were willing to settle for a partner that could not or would not meet our basic motivational needs.

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/5/2005 4:15:23 PM   
fyreredsub


Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
Status: offline 		i found that i do have expectations and do not like getting them ignored or laughed at.when a master doesn't pay attn to those expectations or doesn't care about them,well, it doesn't say much for the relationship.
i have found that speaking my expectations/desires/wants/needs in a respectful manner will get them listened to much more closely.i may have a few Masters before i reach my full potential
now for the other side of the coin, i prefer to know specific expactations and not broAD GENERALIZATIONS...ecspecially when in a new relationship, these are the things that need to be discussed before hand instead of dismissed casually.
allowing unspoken expactations to fester on either side will cause serious damage to the relationship

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"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/6/2005 5:54:03 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domtimothy46176

When I first spoke with toy, I knew who I was and who I was not, what I did and did not want, what was essential and what I would consider intolerable. I didn't need to offer a list, as the information came out naturally during conversation. In the same way, as we spoke at length about ourselves, toy clued me in on who and what she is and what she was looking for in a dominant partner.
Whenever we reached a point that was unclear to one of us, we discussed it until we both had an accurate understanding of the differences in our respective positions. Negotiation flowed very naturally with "what if", "would you be willing to try" and "is that an absolute" questions that helped clarify our common starting points. All our conversations were very laid-back and easy-going because we both understood the neccessity of determining long-term compatability or else ruling it out and moving on to the next prospect. Neither of us were willing to settle for a partner that could not or would not meet our basic motivational needs.



I have copied the above again for everyone in the Life as those words are the core element in a solid relationship---the natural unfolding of the dynamics between the two are so crucial to success----very very well stated domtimothy--

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Mistress Hathor


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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/6/2005 6:28:59 AM   
fldrkhorse


Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Relationship Fundamentals
Key Components of a Successful D/s Relationship

Trust
Clear two-way communication
Integrity
Commitment
Mutual respect
Honesty
Patience
Mutually agreed upon limits
Realistic expectations
Love


http://www.castlerealm.com/kingdom/kingdom.htm




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I'm not where I need to be, but I'm better than I was yesterday.

Namaste, I honor the divine in you

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/6/2005 6:40:10 AM   
veronicaofML


Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline 		argh

there's that L word again........

oh yuck

i guess i am the only one...

take care anyway


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drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/6/2005 7:18:43 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fldrkhorse

Relationship Fundamentals
Key Components of a Successful D/s Relationship

Trust
Clear two-way communication
Integrity
Commitment
Mutual respect
Honesty
Patience
Mutually agreed upon limits
Realistic expectations
Love


http://www.castlerealm.com/kingdom/kingdom.htm






Very well said and if I can add My 2 cents:

http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to fldrkhorse)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/6/2005 7:57:45 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		how to set expectations? you can be super careful, dot every i, cross every t and still find it's a perspective issue when things go amiss. questions are questions, answers are answers yet my blue is different then yours. foibles are made with experience, bending or the lack of it makes or breaks just like in regular life. I think Merc and Beth's sig line says it all with this ...""The words printed here are concepts. You must go through the experiences."

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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/9/2005 4:59:23 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		that's very true, but what we find today , imho, is no groundwork laid to even start with---and we one can see from another post which generalized about the behavior of Mistress' even perceptions can be misleading with out communication---yes everything should be followed with experience--nothing compares to that but without doing initial homework up front--experiences can up always being bad---

but all very good words of advice and wisdom---

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SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/9/2005 1:54:50 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

a sub need not hold their tongue--because they think the Dom/me has all the rights and subs have none--so My question is how do you set expectations, how do you make sure what you expect is known, how do you negotiate and what happens when you see expectations won't be met?
I absolutely agree that a sub need not hold their tongue or opinion because they are submissive. I don't think anything can be accomplished by two (or more) human beings coming together and playing the role of non thinking/non feeling thing, in order to be considered a good/true anything.

I've been guilty, due to societal roles, antiquated thinking, simply not knowing any better, and fear of rejection I suppose, of not clearly explaining what I want/need or expect from my other (whomever he is at the time). I try to clearly state these days that my initial expectation is that he will be a gentleman who will treat me like a lady; if things go well after that, than we can converse about what each wants/needs. If I share chemistry with the person, we go over words/titles and their meanings, and to what extent each person is committed to his/her role. I expect that once we get to know another, and continually develop trust, I expect submission/obedience, and I've never had a problem accepting feedback and considering my other's needs/desires (as long as he asks in a kind/respectful manner) alongside mine. M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 12/9/2005 1:57:01 PM >

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a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/9/2005 2:08:31 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		One of my biggest expectations is to be able to enter into a conversation, on an on-going basis, about *my* needs, without be accused of "topping from the bottom." That seems to be difficult, touchy, and nearly impossible for some Doms to handle.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/9/2005 3:54:26 PM   
fldrkhorse


Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline
quote:

One of my biggest expectations is to be able to enter into a conversation, on an on-going basis, about *my* needs, without be accused of "topping from the bottom." That seems to be difficult, touchy, and nearly impossible for some Doms to handle.


Subs seek a DOm to have thier need(s) met. Those DOMs that don't get that don't get you.

Respectfully,

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I'm not where I need to be, but I'm better than I was yesterday.

Namaste, I honor the divine in you

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/9/2005 4:38:39 PM   
krikket


Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline 		Saying thank you tp both for this particular thread seems a bit of an under statement, but it says (imho) what i'm feeling best. Thanks also for some new food for thought...

jimini

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"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin



When your heart speaks take good notes.





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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/9/2005 5:12:08 PM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: veronicaofML

argh

there's that L word again........

oh yuck

i guess i am the only one...

take care anyway



not the only one, veronica, by any stretch. Love is a great bonus, in my opinion, and something that grows naturally out of respect but it's not a replacement for good solid dynamic.
Timothy

(in reply to veronicaofML)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/9/2005 5:18:13 PM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I want a sub with lllllooovvveeee, I want one to love, I want one to love Me----llloovveeeee, passssssiioonnnnn--okok IM better now----mmmmm

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/9/2005 6:59:51 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I want a sub with lllllooovvveeee, I want one to love, I want one to love Me----llloovveeeee, passssssiioonnnnn--okok IM better now----mmmmm
Me too! Otherwise, it's just work, and not worth it to me. M

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a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/11/2005 2:59:41 AM   
fldrkhorse


Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		"When two people are alone together, and one of them is naked and tied up, and the other is standing over them holding whips and other torture implements, this is not the time to have a serious mismatch of expectations."

from: SM-101: A Realistic Introduction - Jay Wiseman


_____________________________

I'm not where I need to be, but I'm better than I was yesterday.

Namaste, I honor the divine in you

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: EXPECTATIONS - 12/11/2005 3:29:52 AM   
ExistentialSteel


Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline 		Mercnbeth, that was a valuable and honest post. Thanks.

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For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 38
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