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What to think? - 10/4/2008 6:55:40 PM   
BuddnRoze


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/17/2008
Status: offline 		have you ever been scared or nervous to trust your Dom?
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RE: What to think? - 10/4/2008 7:03:16 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		In the beginning, when I didn't really know him very well. And that was a sign to me that he was asking too much, too fast. So I told him I was scared and distrustful and asked him to slow down. Which he did. And has done since when I've needed it.

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RE: What to think? - 10/4/2008 7:03:25 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		It depends on what stage of your relationship you are in.  It can be very common in the beginning.  If you have been together for a while and feel that way then you must have either seen some type of red flags or experienced something with them which is making you uncomfortable.

I found that for me the growth in trust was not a straight line but more like two steps forward, one step back.  That had much more to do with my fear of trusting someone to treat me well and watch our for my fulfillment as he watched for his own than in anything that the Master ever did wrong.  It's been close to a year and I am still finding out wonderful new facets about him and watching my trust continue to grow, but if you would have asked me in the beginning if I could ever have trusted this much I wouldn't have believed it was possible - only a dream.


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RE: What to think? - 10/4/2008 7:06:56 PM   
BuddnRoze


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/17/2008
Status: offline 		how do you say that you are scared then?  but that you are scared cause you aren't getting enough time, enought straight answers, and don't know what's going on in the most part?

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RE: What to think? - 10/4/2008 7:23:09 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
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From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Yes - communication is the key.  If things seem to be moving too quickly you can tell the person that you are feeling a little overwhelmed and would like to build up more trust before you move forward.  If someone is not communicating well let them know that you are trying your best but you are not sure what they want and you would appreciate more explanation.  If their story doesn't seem to be true you have the right to ask additional questions. 

Trust and communication are the bedrock or a good BDSM relationship.  If communication is faulty then it is hard to build trust.  If the person refuses to communicate well even after humble requests then chances are that they will never be a good match for you.  It is one thing if it happens from time to time - quite another if it is the norm. 


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RE: What to think? - 10/4/2008 7:26:49 PM   
BuddnRoze


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Status: offline 		so if the communication contact is so limited....i feel like that's why i'm hesitant and nervous

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RE: What to think? - 10/4/2008 7:57:43 PM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Can you give us some more details?  Sounds like this is online?  Are you in the same state/town?  Have you met in person?

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RE: What to think? - 10/4/2008 11:24:48 PM   
BuddnRoze


Posts: 7
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Status: offline 		no it's in person. 

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RE: What to think? - 10/5/2008 12:30:56 AM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		OP, I was with someone like this for a short while.  He didn't want me to know basic things, like even how often he planned on seeing me (all this was in real-time).  He would say 'as often as I like' or something similarly vague.  He liked to keep me off balance, saying 'wouldn't you like to know' and that sort of thing when I asked a question.  He led me to believe that since he was the dominant and the one guiding the relationship, I as the sub was to be kept in the dark. 
 
I was foolish for a short while, but that didn't last long, and he's gone.  To me, trust doesn't build in a vacuum - and all questions should be answered to alleviate fears. 
 
If you wish, feel free to email me. 

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RE: What to think? - 10/5/2008 1:04:42 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		I have been distrustful at the start of most relationships, for example Sir has a fair few ex's that he still stays in touch with and i got all 'whats that text say, whats she want' and i felt that his saying leave it alone was a sign that he was hiding something, its taken a while to realise that actually hes a fairly private person and my demanding to be told stuff that really doesnt have anything to do with anything is rather inappropriate. In regards to the afriad thing, been there and not stopped it particularly well, as has been said its about communication. At the start you dont know everything about a person and that takes time you have to be patiant and if something worries you nip it in the bud

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RE: What to think? - 10/5/2008 1:39:39 AM   
NorthernGent


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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

I have been distrustful at the start of most relationships, for example Sir has a fair few ex's that he still stays in touch with and i got all 'whats that text say, whats she want' and i felt that his saying leave it alone was a sign that he was hiding something, its taken a while to realise that actually hes a fairly private person and my demanding to be told stuff that really doesnt have anything to do with anything is rather inappropriate.



I'll give you an alternative view with regard to the above, Colouredin.....

I'm private to the extent I play my cards very close to my chest with most people I come across.....I've been on this board for nigh on two years, and I haven't scratched the surface of what I'm about.....the same goes for out in the public domain.....

But......I believe there is a duty to alleviate a partner's anxiety rather than accentuate it; primarily because it's in my interests to build a relationship underpinned by stability. I cut my ex partners off; you can take that to be cold and calculating, but I don't think it's a wise move to have an ex lurking in the background.

Cue: "every relationship is unique"......perhaps so, but stability is the bedrock of any flourishing relationship.

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 10/5/2008 1:40:48 AM >

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RE: What to think? - 10/5/2008 3:12:36 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Oh I agree, I do think that on occasions he should just tell me rather than not due to principal because it would prevent my being nervous, something that I have told him so its become more of a compromise. I dont pester and he is more likely to tell me if one of them text and what about. I know largely though my insecurities are not about him but about past relationships and he actually hasnt given me any reason to not trust him so it is more my issue than his.

I wouldnt want him to cut his ex partners out of his life until he is ready mostly because it could lead to a regret thing as though I have stopped it and he could end up resenting me. In fact one of his ex's keep asking him if they can be together in a physical way. After a bit of kicking and screaming I told him that if he wanted to he should, I didnt hide my reasons (the regret thing) but I told him I was ok with it, which I was. Up to then he admitted he was still thinking about her but since I have said that he seems totally uninterested and has made the decision himself that he doesnt want that. For me not distrust is often due to unfounded fears because of past relationships its kinda the if you love something set it free mentality. Stop something being a forbidden fruit and it becomes far less interesting

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RE: What to think? - 10/5/2008 4:13:09 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BuddnRoze

have you ever been scared or nervous to trust your Dom?


I think this is a case of ‘cart before the horse’.  How can you submit to someone before you trust them?  Yes, trust is continually built as the relationship grows, but c'mon!  There has to be a modicum of trust before I'd even begin to think he's my dominant! 

< Message edited by catize -- 10/5/2008 4:17:41 AM >

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RE: What to think? - 10/5/2008 6:38:05 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I think we need a little more info - are you talking about trust with scening, or every day things?

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RE: What to think? - 10/5/2008 6:59:28 AM   
catize


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quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

I think we need a little more info - are you talking about trust with scening, or every day things?


You are right, we need more info, but I went wth her reference to 'your dom' and didn't consider she was talking about scenes only.

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RE: What to think? - 10/5/2008 10:26:50 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you aren't getting enough time, straight answers and don't have a clue as to what he's after, then you need to reconsider if this is what you want in a relationship.

It isn't going to change. Ever.

He just isn't that into you. He views you as a booty call and nothing more. He isn't giving you more time because unless he's getting his rocks off, he doesn't want to be with you. He isn't giving you a straight answer because if he told you the truth you wouldn't talk to him again. He'll be with you until he finds someone he wants more.

Don't make anyone a priority who makes you an option. You deserve better.

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RE: What to think? - 10/5/2008 11:16:02 AM   
ExKat


Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline 		  OP, I've found that in situations where I wasn't getting enough time/straight answers, there was a reason. Typically, it was because the guy had something to hide, and was spending time with someone else.

I'm sure he has a number of excuses as to why he doesn't have time for you, and why he can't tell you things. Probably cheif among them is the "I'm the Dom and I say so". Eventually you'll find a dominant who isn't a jerk like this, and when he says, "I'm the Dom and I say so," you'll melt into butter rather than feeling used and lied to.

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RE: What to think? - 10/5/2008 11:58:36 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		iIcan never i have been scared or nervous with my Master.  Then again we took it very slow at the beginning and i was never nervous or scared with him.

Matt's littleone

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RE: What to think? - 10/5/2008 6:26:05 PM   
dangerousangel


Posts: 31
Joined: 6/12/2008
Status: offline 		I think it really depends on what the OP means.

Have I been scared of my Partner in that I think he'll do something that will hurt me? Never. Well, never once I knew him well enough to have been his.

Have I been scared to tell him things because I'm ashamed of them, or worried about his reaction? Yes. I have trouble telling him about my more out there fantasies, because I don't always trust he won't reject or laugh at me. This is mostly my own security, but it comes down to, yeah, I do occationally have trouble trusting he'll accept all of me, even when I know he will.


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RE: What to think? - 10/5/2008 6:29:10 PM   
michaelOfGeorgia


Posts: 4253
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BuddnRoze

have you ever been scared or nervous to trust your Dom?


all the time


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