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Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 4:39:30 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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"Courage is not a lack of fear. It is the acting in spite of it."

Mark Twain

When I have My bouts of semi-insomnia, I tend to think of the oddest things. Call it My own self imposed bit of sleep deprivation. The mind reaches to places it doesn't when we have normal amounts of sleep. Already, I digress.

Fear and it's link to WIITWD. There are too many to list here. We explore fear on many levels. We see it in a momentary flash of the eyes during a scene or we find it buried in the soul. It is a primal, human emotion. Actually, I might go even further than that. Fear is an instinct of every living creature.

There are two ways to deal with fear. The first, the easy option, is the flight response. When fear strikes, that first option is to run away. To escape. To flee. Now, this might save a person from their peril. The outcome of this is that we have not been scathed. We go on just as we were. We live to fight another day.

The second option is to wage that fight now. Not to let fear stand in our way of experiences. To face it head on. To battle it with every intention of a win. That we should conquer it. That we will look it dead on and stand our ground. Yes, it is true that we might lose that fight and succumb to whatever threat that fear imposed on us. But what if we don't? What if we win? It's also possible that victory is ours. What if we seize the day? What might we accomplish if we find courage?

I don't know about anyone else, but I see fear and courage linked to BDSM here on these boards every day. It goes from everything between that person just about to embark on their first trip to a munch to the greatest levels of intimacy. Each day, we listen to the stories of fear. Everything from the minimal to whatever it is that lies in room 101.*

My question is, what are the fears you have faced in BDSM? What has brought you to the point of fight of flight? Did you face that challenge? What was the outcome?

I have two answers of My own, but first, I would like to hear yours.

*This is a quote from Orwell. In the book 1984, room 101 was whatever a person's greatest fear existed.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

Post #: 1

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 5:35:03 AM

tweedydaddy

Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
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There is nothing to fear but fear itself.
If ever you fear someone, they have won.
If ever you fear something, you will find it was not that bad once it's over.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 2

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 5:41:19 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

Interestingly, fear is how I got into fire-play. From the time I was little I was afraid of fire. I couldn't even light my candle at my Brownie "moving up ceremony" because I was so terrified of the flames. As an adult, I was both fascinated with and horrified by flame -- to the point where it bothered me to even have my girls light a candle in the house. I happened to go to an Extreme Practices gathering without knowing the subject, and found myself at a fireplay demo... by the time it was over, I was so fascinated by controlling fire that I had to find myself a mentor to teach me how to use this new toy. Needless to say, I fully embraced my new expression. The conquering of fire enabled me to have so many awsome experiences, like being Firetender for a sweatlodge group, and dancing at a trance-dance bonfire... things I could never have done before the experience.

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to tweedydaddy)

Post #: 3

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 5:45:58 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Calla, I think that is very much the same response I had to embracing My inner sadist.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 4

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 5:47:33 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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My main fear was totally internal and one i suspect many have felt, fear of not being submissive enough, fear of not being good enough. Many people have at some point 'left the lifestyle' almost all cases were down to fear. In my case I kept being told what it meant to be submissive before I had formed my own opinion, in my day to day life I have an almost suffocating fear of failure and my normal response is if i have even an inkling that I will fail i wont do it, be it relationships or a career or anything really.

What prevoked the fight response in me is hard to pinpoint. I guess I just couldnt carry on without this in my life, having tried it and realised how it fit within me life without it wasnt the same, it was like seeing what could make me happy through a glass window, knowing that is where I should be but standing in the cold as I closed the curtians. In life one of the most important things is hope, and I think fear and hope are close bedfellows. Without this in my life I lost my ability to hope and thats a fairly slippery slope. Luckily a good friend of mine wouldnt let me fall down it too far giving me a pep talk to end all pep talks and he helped me fight the fear a step at a time. Now I am content and its wonderful and I hate to think what would have happened had I carried on the flight. And I also imagine without the fear it wouldnt feel as sweet as it does.

< Message edited by colouredin -- 10/5/2008 5:48:52 AM >

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 5

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 5:49:59 AM

Slavelary

Posts: 54
Joined: 7/28/2008
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Knowing what I really want?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 6

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 5:56:22 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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I'm tossing another one out here, because I forgot about it until I was reminded by another post. I am an introvert... INTJ and my I is in the 'extremely strongly Introverted' range. If I could, I would live in my own head and the world be damned! That being said, I have had to face the realization that I have to go out to things and go out and meet people if my desires and needs are -ever- going to be met, AND if I'm ever going to have the opportunity to share the stories that I write with a larger audience, I need to go to Cons, get my name out there, go to interviews, talk about my stories...So anyway, I have an intense fear/dislike of crowds, and yet, with my heart in my throat, I walk through those hotel doors or into that restaurant and put myself out there. Yes, it scares the heck out of me every time, and I've never gotten over the sense of exhaustion and relief when its all over... but I speak and lecture regularly now, present to large groups, attend functions, do interviews... it still scares me every time, but it isn't avoidable if I'm going to be able to have/do what I love.

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to Slavelary)

Post #: 7

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 6:14:33 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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Sometimes the best defense is a good pair of running shoes.
(advice a male friend of mine gave my then teenage son when he was harrassed by bullies.)

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 8

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 6:21:51 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
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I hear ya there, catize... just don't ask me to go to the "maul" to get them.

CFB

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 9

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 6:28:35 AM

catize

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Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

I hear ya there, catize... just don't ask me to go to the "maul" to get them.

CFB

I love it, the "maul" ! That's exactly how I think of it--I literally get disoriented and overwhlmed, but occasionally make myself go! Builds character?

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 10

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 6:32:54 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

I love it, the "maul" ! That's exactly how I think of it--I literally get disoriented and overwhlmed, but occasionally make myself go! Builds character?

Not me. I'm already a character... I don't need any more building in that arena.

That's one place I'll keep my 'absence of courage' thank you very much... There is -nothing- at Nordstrom's that I need so much that it will make me deal with the Galleria. The only thing I like about the Galleria is the lights they hang outside at the holidays -- but then I'm tucked safely in my little car that only holds 5 people -max-, and looking on from the OUTSIDE as we drive by as fast as traffic will allow. *LOL*

CFB

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 11

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 6:42:01 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

The first fear I had to get over was the fear of trusting someone and being let down. I've learned that I CAN fully trust my Master, even when I don't understand some of the reasons for new tasks until afterward.

I've had to conquer many fears - of a polygamous situation (afraid that I would not be good enough to hold his attention if others were involved), of being sexual with other women (because I have no inner drive to do this other than to please my Master), of being "loaned" to another, of anything that brings pain, of having anyone but my Master look at me as a sexual being. I have chosen to do whatever is asked of me rather than giving into fear because I cannot tolerate cowardice in myself. It sure doesn't mean I never get scared - it just means that I don't let it get in the way of my service.

_____________________________

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 12

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 7:56:20 AM

rookey

Posts: 100
Status: offline

The first step to overcoming fear, is to stop doubting ourselves and to start doubting our fears.

By examining the fear itself, you can assess whether or not it has any validity to it. If the WIITWD, or rather we would like to do, leads to something bad or not. If not, then the fear loses it validity and so therefore it's sting.

A fear without sting is no fear at all. A fear without sting is no longer able to hold you back.

_____________________________

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 13

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 7:59:53 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
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Taking the last step of actually expressing who I am inside in my outward life...and I'm damn pissed off that it took me 44 frickin years to get here!

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 14

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 8:08:48 AM

NumberSix

Posts: 1378
Joined: 12/30/2006
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Courage, Mom.

Sgt. Willie Schumann

_____________________________

"Who are you?"
"The new Number Two."
"Who is Number One?"
"You are Number Six.".
"I am not a number — I am a free man!"

Be seeing you...

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 15

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 8:46:35 AM

sistermargaret

Posts: 101
Joined: 8/8/2008
Status: offline

i always have the fear of rejection. Not a fear of being dumped by someone. Being dumped can be a problem solver. But i fear NOT being dumped AND rejected, held in a state of need and want without those needs and wants met, giving and giving with no 'reward' given back, all of life slowly, maddeningly turning to a dissapointing grey.
Yes, i've faced that fear, one more time, and with Master's kindness and guidance, my world has color again. Vibrant shades, subtle hues, the wholeness of the color spectum is seen clearly now. The needs and wants are being met, and i am being rewarded with His acceptance and care and protection ... dare i say it? ... His love. i can now embrace my submissiveness whole heartedly, couragously knowing that it's ok, that it is a good thing, a good part of me that has been cowering, hiding for so long. That His mastery over me will bring out in me what is pure and true and alive.
sm

All it takes is absolute surrender

< Message edited by sistermargaret -- 10/5/2008 8:48:14 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 16

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 9:07:25 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

Sometimes fear makes cowards of us all.
Sometimes it is easier to stay in a miserable place,
than risk moving on.
The risk is of course fresh new pain when one hasn't yet recovered from the old.
So we stay in our miserable place.
We embrace the known pain.
We wrap it around us like a warm blanket on a cold night.
We begin to believe we are warm and safe and dry. However, we are lying to ourselves.
The blanket doesn't keep us warm.
It is wet and heavy, and a burden to carry.
It keeps us down, not warm.
Worse yet, this blanket is infested with insidious, evil creatures, that burrow into our heart and soul. Creepy, crawly creatures.
Worms of self doubt, and self loathing.
The longer we remain wrapped in this blanket,
the deeper inside of us they dig.
Finally, they nest, and create a comfortable environment for themselves within us.
They are parasites.
Like all parasites in nature,
they will continue to eat away at the host, until they the host dies from their destructive ways.
Killed from within.

I do not separate out fear into compartments...
fear in job,
fear in BDSM,
fear in relationships
etc, etc,etc

Fear is reflected out from an individual, no matter the situation. We either have the ability and resources to wage war or we hide, for our own personal reasons... the inability in the individual at that moment not to wage war.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall."
~~~ Confucius

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 17

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 9:12:31 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I question why you think flight is an easier response than fight. Fight, flight or freeze are three instinctive responses to danger. For someone who finds fight to be their first response, that would be easier than consciously turning and fleeing.
For someone who freezes, it takes a great deal of courage to force themselves to move and run. And so on.

I don't think any of the challenges I have are bdsm specific. Fearing to expose my vulnerabilities is not something that only those who are kinky do. It's common to people in relationships or wanting to be in relationships, you hear about it everyday. The problem is you don't know if someone is safe to trust until you've trusted them and seen how they respond. Catch 22.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 18

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 9:22:29 AM

xXLithiumXx

Posts: 723
Joined: 9/2/2008
From: Hell, Kentucky
Status: offline

Fear can be an intresting motivator. It can push people to do things that they wouldnt normally do, it can drive a person to fight when there seeems to be no fight left.
Every day, people face fear, even if they dont realize that they are facing it. When they have to tell the truth instead of lying to protcte themselves, when they have to look at the consequences of the actions they take and the way that the things that they do affect the people around them. When they have to move forward when it seems best to stay where you are or move back to where you were. It presents a choice where no choice may have been before.

_____________________________

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement

You have to believe in yourself. -Tsun Tzu-

Resident Malkavian.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 19

RE: Courage in BDSM - 10/5/2008 9:30:58 AM

TysGalilah

Posts: 589
Joined: 11/21/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

Taking the last step of actually expressing who I am inside in my outward life...and I'm damn pissed off that it took me 44 frickin years to get here!

I can sure relate, Otter, about the "pissed off it took me so long"

LadyPact
   I have been pondering the " what is intimacy?" thread for a while, trying to put in words my thoughts and personal definition. YOUR post about fear, and how I would respond to your thread has actually given me a way to respond to both "intimacy" and " fear" threads.
   For me, my definition of personal intimacy has alot to do with my vulnerability and reaching inside myself and letting another reach inside me as well, emotionally. It is also, well was something> I feared a great deal 12 years ago.

My response to fear was generally to run from it. How I ran was generally escape through/via food. I feared alot, escaped alot, and didn't feel I had the tools to stand and deal with my fear. I was "alone" which scared me even more. ( I quoted alone because, even tho' in a marriage and with kids and friends around me, I still felt very alone to deal with what I would find, how would I cope?) I was always the "strong one"..the one who " handled everything" Ironic hm??

My control was a faux form of trying to arrange things around me to minimize the risk of exposing imperfection, hurt, feelings I was afraid to feel...etc

I handled everyones everything..except my own.
I wasn't really in control..and I certainly wasn't in control because I wanted to be.   I was a fixer because of fear, big difference.

It took me a very long time to realize this about myself. It was only once I was willing to be vulnerable, give over my control, trust another...risk hurting inside.....stare at my feelings ( and fears) face on, that I actually became intimate. Intimate with myself first and then intimate with another. I found someone who would embrace parts of me which I had never even embraced. This gave me such courage....affirmation...insight into parts of me I never wanted to look at.

It was a revelation that changed me.

BDSM was very relevant in this, because it was having a dominant in my life that gave me the courage and helped me not feel so alone with whatever I would find inside.
Tyson would correct me here
and say>>
   that I always had the courage and strength, he only helped me see it within myself.   He is correct of course.
But in him I saw strength and the ability to "handle" whatever I couldn't..
I can honestly say since being with Tyson > I have never feared so much, BUT FACED IT and felt my courage so strongly than any other time in my life. Each new challenge he brought to me in our relationship> I faced, tackled , served his desires because I wanted to please him make him proud and because I submitted/surrendered my fears of my own limitations into his hands. Each time I found myself on the other side of that fear or hesitation > I would stand back and realize "hey...I did it and didnt die! " party in my head yanno : )    eventually it began to sink in. He was tenacious grinz.. never gave up on me..Had courage in me when I couldnt find mine sometimes and so I just TRUSTED HIS   : )

I learned that feelings and fears hurt alot less when they are brought out into the daylight than they do when they are kept inside in the dark.

Fight or flight
I am not a fighter and so I can only relate to the "fight" part by saying   I would fight ME..myself....and escape.

Now I do neither. I try not to fight my feelings..and I try not to run from them either.   I rely on my submission alot to "do what he would want me to and what would make him proud of me" which is always to realize that I am stronger than my worst fears.

_____________________________

galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 20

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