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AAkasha -> RE: Signalling you're a sub to a possible Domme (10/8/2008 6:51:50 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: CdnExplorer
I think what guys are trying to get at here is this: society in general seems to frown upon kink, and even more so upon men who supposedly give up their gender role and don't take control. I can't tell you how hard it was drilled into my head that men sexually are the aggressor. By my peers no less. Female peers. Given that submission is not something that I can just take or leave, I'm not about to start hitting up random women on the slim chance that she isn't disgusted by who I am. Personal rejection aside, people talk and word gets around.
The issue is really one of context. In a bdsm club or some other environment where kink is ok I have no problem expressing my interests to someone. Outside of that in the "vanilla world" some kind of indication that someone isn't going to react with disgust at our power orientation is going to make submissive men much more likely to approach someone.
I've been away from the dating/flirting/predatory femdom scene for a few years. But I can't help but remember that flirtation simply revealed what needed to be revealed and rather than give a signal, it was better to let things evolve organically. If there was a universal femdom "symbol" and I was looking, I don't think I would use the symbol anyway. I would not want to expose myself to all the guys that were horny and wanted a free dominatrix session, or all the vanilla guys who just thought it would be "cool" to be tied up to get a blow job or have a woman jump on top and screw him (the obvious horny stereotype).
When I was single and went to clubs a lot, I'd dress quite fetishy - it was fun. Everyone was dressing that way tho, these were alternative (not S&M, just edgy) clubs. When I took the same attire to more vanilla-ish clubs, endless guys would hit on me because they thought I looked kinky and they were just horny assholes. Not fun. So I skipped that.
Rather than look for signals, know that a femdom is just like any other woman. And there are also lots of women that have femdom tendencies they have yet to discover. Date, flirt, and expose yourself to women that seem to be adventurous and open minded. Listen to her cues.
I've been exposing myself to more submissive men and bottoms as I am looking for chemistry for an outside partner in my primary relationship. I'm reminded as I interview and get to know lots of sub men that I am far more interested in a man's personality, intelligence, capability, and strengths than his ability to show me any 'submissive capability' or availability. It goes chemistry first, submission second. And I want to peel the layers of submission back like an onion, not have it splayed out the moment I say, "Go." First, though, I have to be sincerely intrigued about what lies inside. Many submissive men seem to choose this route: Submission first, chemistry second. "If you like my sub side, you will dominate me," or, "I am submissive, see, do you like it? Want more?"
Shyness is ok. Being kind of quiet is fine. Little subtle cues of vulnerability are interesting when properly placed. I'm only talking about what pushes my buttons and makes me intrigued, of course, but maybe other women feel like this too. I just like to have that chemistry in place, first. I like to have my dominant desires evolve from an organic place of lust, attraction, interest or affection.
Remember, also, that many femdom-types have been become quite good at telling which men are going to be open to kink or submission and which ones aren't, whether they are self identified subs or not.
Akasha
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