Profile critique

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SlayerZ -> Profile critique (12/5/2005 11:14:56 AM)
Hey all. [:)] Okay. Here's the deal: I want you all to critique and give me an appraisal, with regards to my profile; I want feedback, input and general hints and tips, in order to make my profile all that it can, and indeed, all that it should be. To be perfectly honest, and without sounding big headed, I thought my profile was written pretty well. It's honest, it's articulate and It doesn't beat around the bush. But, judging by the fact that I have gotten no response. I've come to the conclusion that my ad isn't really as good as I may have thought. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a hurry. I don't mind waiting it out. I mean, I have a lot of things on my plate at the moment, and to be honest, those take high priority. So. I want an honest appraisal/critique. Followed by marks out of 10. [:)] This may sound superfluous, and this isn't really my style, but... indulge me. [;)] Thanks. [:)]

Sensualips -> RE: Profile critique (12/5/2005 12:35:53 PM)
I am no expert, but I will play. I agree it is open and honest. It is very conversational, if that is tone you want to take. It looks like you put some thought into it and I like what you say, but maybe you could tweak how you say it. Also, a picture always helps. I understand you may not want a picture out there, but it is a fact. 1) Say more with less It may be too long. I am more than happy to read a long profile, but the general consensus seems to be anything beyond 2-4 paragraphs is too much for most. If you are a writer, consider looking at it as if your editor has told you to cut the word count in half. That will force you to tighten up your writing and focus on the really important stuff. For example: "I work out in my spare time, so I'm very much in shape. Though, I'm no athlete, it's not like I'm obsessed with the whole idea of working out and buffing myself up, I'm not that guy." becomes "I work out and am in shape, but I am not obsessed with being buff. I am not THAT guy." You say the same thing and keep the kinda joking "that guy" comment that makes the profile you-like. 2) Work on your lead If you are a writer, then you know the first paragraph is the most important. Sometimes that is all people read, and on this site it is what is seen when people do a search as well. Put the most important thing in the first sentence. Right now your lead is "Hey there, welcome to my profile." Is that really the first thing you want to say? I would go with either the part about an untapped resource or maybe the smack your ass with one hand, caress with the other. 3) Proofread There are a few typos that make it read a little wrong in spots. Try reading it out loud and I am sure you will find them. One example is "Someone who is seeking a Dom that will smack her ass with one hand, and gentle caress it better with the other." It should be gently and not gentle. As always, just my free advice -- which is worth about what you pay for it. :)

IrishMist -> RE: Profile critique (12/5/2005 12:59:12 PM)
quote: It may be too long. I am more than happy to read a long profile, but the general consensus seems to be anything beyond 2-4 paragraphs is too much for most I agree. Though I found it well thought-out, honest, and open...it was also very long. quote: Right now your lead is "Hey there, welcome to my profile." Is that really the first thing you want to say? I would go with either the part about an untapped resource or maybe the smack your ass with one hand, caress with the other. Yes, your opening line did nothing to catch my attention at all. Make it stand out, catch the attention, and MAKE IT SAY SOMETHING. quote: 3) Proofread Ditto. Nothing makes me close a profile faster than numerous spelling errors. All in all, you have a very good profile, you just need to 'tweak' it a bit. Let's face it, you are selling yourself to a degree. The LESS you say with MORE impact...the more reactions and responses you will receive. Good luck :)

ginawithaB -> RE: Profile critique (12/5/2005 2:00:28 PM)
Hey Slayer, Just gonna add my 2-cents worth. I agree with the others that in general it's a bit long. I was going to suggest no more than 4 paragraphs, but make them 4 substantial paragraphs, not in terms of length, but in substance. You have a great ability to elucidate what you're looking for and the kind of person you are. I would not even necessarily change your wording much, because some of your writing is so down-to-earth and welcoming. I got a sense of you as being a very warm, "real" person. Two other things I noticed- you have a tendency to qualify yourself maybe a bit more than you need to...I think you're maybe doing this in service of not trying to sound too "full of yourself," but it's kind of having the opposite effect. For instance: quote: ...She is seeking a Dom who doesn't take himself too seriously. I'm not saying that I regard this lifestyle as a joke of anything like that, if I did then I wouldnt be wasting your time... IMHO, that 1st statement is all you need. And the other thing is, again, I think you're trying not to sound immodest in describing yourself. Slayer, scr** modesty. If you know you look good, say so. You don't have to be a prick about it or anything. But couching yourself in much verbiage and qualification waters you down, again, IMHO. But, I would not put that self-description stuff in the beginning. Somewhere in the middle is good. Make your statements direct, to the point, be congenial and fun about it, but don't qualify your statements. You are who you are and the right sub for you will notice and be attracted by who you are. Now, that being said, I disagree with others who did not like your lead-in. I liked the first line and I would keep it. It serves as sort of a title and sets the tone of your profile. I would suggest highlighting the statement somehow, so that it stands out from the rest. And regarding your interest list, this is just a personal preference-the content is fine, however I found when I did my own with all those "beginner, expert, whatever" ratings attached, I found it to be a bit too busy for my taste...so I deleted all that and just let my interests speak for themselves. Once I actually talk to a dom, I let him know what a stark beginner I am. And btw, I'm usually really good at finding typos (though I'm not proofing this and hope all will forgive mine), but honestly, I did not notice yours, though I'm sure those who found them are correct. I think I didn't notice them b/c your great personality came out so well, despite your editing needs, that I didn't care so much. So good luck, have fun revising, if you choose to do so and happy hunting! gina (ok-I ended up proofing 1x-my typos hurt my eyes too much...and on 3rd review, I did notice yours, Slayer...but all very fixable.)

slavejali -> RE: Profile critique (12/5/2005 3:31:44 PM)
i liked your profile. You need a picture though.

windchymes -> RE: Profile critique (12/5/2005 3:48:57 PM)
Okay, I'll give it a go[:)] I agree with the others here....you write very well, but it's awfully wordy. I would chop it way down and save the bigger descriptions for when you begin the "discovery" stage with a new potential sub. I know it's difficult when you're a writer....all the thoughts in your head just gush right down through your fingers and onto the screen! I would leave the physical description to "blue eyes, short brown hair"....leave out the "happy with what God gave me" stuff. I thought your profile got a lot more interesting after the first four paragraphs or so....maybe move them closer to the top? Like the others here, I really like the "smack your ass/caress" comment, it made me smile. I have to honestly say that you write really well, your sincerity comes out, and I "feel" you, lol. THAT would make me respond to a potential Dom (don't try, honey....I have kids your age[;)] ) I would just shorten it up a LOT, and send out some nice, sincere emails to sub profiles that interest you. Be patient....you'll get rejections, it's just a way of life here. msrightsub is worth waiting for! Someone who "clicks" with you will feel a spark from your email and will respond. I would [;)] (If I was 20 years younger!) Good luck! chymes

SlayerZ -> RE: Profile critique (12/5/2005 4:52:39 PM)
Thank you all very much! I've taken all you've had to say into consideration, and I'll see what I can do with it. And yeah, I noticed the dodgy grammar, I've tweaked it a wee bit, so hopefully it's as coherent as I thought it was first time around. lol Keep 'em coming. [:)]

wipmebeetme100 -> RE: Profile critique (12/6/2005 12:28:57 AM)
quote: So. I want an honest appraisal/critique. Way too long! After the first two or three paragraphs...when i felt i hadn't really learned much about you, i scrolled down to see how much was left. And i scrolled and i scrolled and i scrolled. It discouraged me to see that there was so much more to read...i did not even finish it. I like short and to the point, and i have found that a picture helps. When you create a profile think of it as creating a 30 second commercial. Say as much as you can in as little amount of time as possible. Make it exciting....sell yourself. This is very similiar to marketing. Peace, cathy

comesoncommand -> RE: Profile critique (12/7/2005 1:42:23 PM)
LOL...what a great way to get subs to read your profile. you sound as if you are trying to convince a sub as to why they would choose you out of the others. i think Dominants who write in a more dominating tone simply describe who they are, and allow the reader to decide if it is for them or not. If not, then who cares? But it sounds a little like you're trying to "sell" yourself (which you want to do, yes, but perhaps in a different way?).

Sabella -> RE: Profile critique (12/7/2005 2:38:04 PM)
I'm a writer AND a reader, it wasn't too long for me. I like long profiles tho - the more the better as long as it's not boring. Yours is not boring. I agree your warm personality definately shines thru! this is great! The main sticking point I would hesititate on would be your lack of experience. But you're honest about it. Kinda. In the first few paragraphs you said you enjoyed what you were doing & loved what you were experiencing with your sub. Later you admit you've had no R/T experience. To many, "online" isn't experience AT ALL. You could write in glowing descriptions climbing a mountain and viewing it's erruption into fiery glory - while never getting closer than the gas grill in your back yard. Same diff. So I would clarify that a bit. Expound (if you want to) that you've had a few years exploring and learning online but you are seeking a hands-on position. I also rose an eyebrow at your wanting to start out online & then eventually (sounding like months or possibly years) moving to R/T. Why wait? Look for ladies in your area, express interest in meeting someone local. Is developing an online relationship in another country REALLY what you want? that's what you're opening yourself up to. The overall tone is very refreshing, please don't change that!!! You sound "real" and many do not. Bonus ;)

SlayerZ -> RE: Profile critique (12/7/2005 10:48:03 PM)
wipmebeetme100: Okay. So, what you're saying is, less is more? Awesome. Thanks for the much appreciated input. [:)] comesoncommand: lol thanks. that was the idea. [;)] Hey, thanks for that. [:)] Yeah, I get what you're saying. You think I should tone down the "what I'm looking for" part of the profile and just focus and embellish what I'm about? And yeah, I guess I am trying to sell myself. Think I should include a toaster oven? [;)] Sabella: Very cool. Thanks for your compliments and you're constructive criticism. I'll definitely take it on board. [:)] The "why wait" question is rather complex. I just have sooooo much on my plate right now, and I have many things to get ironed out - life stuff - and so many things that are taking higher priority at the moment. I just thought I was test the waters and see how warm it was. [:)] Well, I didn't state that I want an online relationship in another country, I just meant in general. And by that I meant, you wouldn't arrange to meet someone the first time you got in contact with them, would you? Even if you were in the same town - it would be way too creepy.

SlayerZ -> RE: Profile critique (12/7/2005 10:50:27 PM)
comesoncommand: Really cute picture, btw. [:)]

comesoncommand -> RE: Profile critique (12/10/2005 7:48:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SlayerZ comesoncommand: Really cute picture, btw. [:)] my Master thought the same

camigirl -> RE: Profile critique (12/10/2005 8:22:14 PM)
To be honest, im put off when the first thing i read is about is someones appearance. It tells me that is the most important thing to you, and its not to me. I would much rather hear about what your mind thinks and your heart feels. While caring about ones health and appearance and having confidence is important, i really dont care if "you" think your buff. I'll be the judge of that :) camigirl

SlayerZ -> RE: Profile critique (12/11/2005 10:53:36 AM)
comesoncommand: I'm sure he did. [:)] camigirl: You raise a good point. I'm not sure why I added my description (brief, as it was) of my physical appearance first. I think I've always thought of an ad, or profile, as starting off with a brief description of appearance, and then following it up with wants and requirements. But perhaps you are onto something. For the record, physical appearances really don't mean that much to me. If a girl has the face of an angel, a body of a supermodel, but she has the personality of a poisonous snake, nothing will hide that. Besides, not really into the supermodel types. [;)] But thank you for that. [:)]

candystripper -> RE: Profile critique (12/12/2005 1:05:05 PM)
Slayer, You might find this thread helpful: http://www.collarchat.com/m_211664/mpage_1/key_Dom%2CMaster%2Cprofiles/tm.htm candystripper

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