Without sounding desperate....

Without sounding desperate.... (Full Version)

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goodgirl85 -> Without sounding desperate.... (10/5/2008 3:22:02 PM)
Hi. I've been a member of CM for awhile, probably a year and a half, though pretty inactive due to meeting someone, and falling head over heels in love. Things are no win rough patch and I realize that most of it is my fault and I also realize why. In order to be with Him, I had to make some major lifestyle changes, I was drinking a lot, and He wouldn't put up with that, the only way for me to stop the drinking so much, was to seriously cut down the time I spent with my friends. Not that this is His fault at all. He did not ask me to stop hanging around them, just to stop drinking so much. I gradually cut down the time I spent with them, and eventually it was down to zero. When moving from my Grandmother's house, I looked at a place closer to Him, which turned out to be about a half hour away from home, with gas prices what they were this summer and money be tight causing me to work alot, I have only been back home a few times in the five months I've been here. Its hard to think about moving on when I haven't even lost Him yet. I'll find that out tomorrow. However, one thing that needs to change whether I lose him or not: I need my own life. I think sometimes I get mad at Him because He has his seperate live, and I don't. He's involved in racing, and as a result goes out two or three times a week, to work on the racecar and well, race. I have work, then either time with him, or as we don't live together, time by myself. Anyways, after that lovely sob story, which was not meant to be a sob story, just a vent of sorts, does anyone have any information on local SE Mass/RI munches or the such... As nervous as I would be to attend a much, I have to put myself out there, as that is the only way to make a change. Thanks. girl

tweedydaddy -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/5/2008 4:40:08 PM)
You spend too much time worrying and not enough time actually talking to him. Good luck with the booze

persephonee -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/5/2008 5:07:18 PM)
ok...i only know WMPE...but thats for western mass....they can prolly refer you. Youd think there would be something in Providence...so check there...im sorry im not sure where you are exactly. i play in RI but i have no idea about the surrounding areas.... As for the changes you are making...i would like to extend my best wishes...and i think that if you have truly changed, that will show thru and your partner will be able to see that. So good luck in that area as well. Now after all that i have no link or anything substantial to grasp...just my best wishes and hope for you. peace perse

Missokyst -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/5/2008 5:12:07 PM)
It was nice that you stopped drinking for him, but have you stopped for you? I know that friends can be a strong influence and one of the things they tell you when you want to stop smoking, drinking, drugs, whatever, is that you should not hang out with the people you did those things with before. So as much as you resent not having a life, maybe you need to be looking for a better one. You don't need to drink to have fun if you find out what is fun for you.. that does not involve drinking. Are there things you like? Art? Music? Birdwatching? Shopping? .. are you a nut like me who loves taking classes in everything under the sun? What brings you joy without being dependant on someone else? Munches can be fun. Mine is pretty good, and the people who join in are all fabulous. Sometimes we even do spontaneous things when munching is done. But, I gotta tell you life is waaaaaaaaaay more than bdsm. There are a lot of things in the world that catch my interest. You need to find what catches yours. In the meantime check out this munch list http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgsmiss.html Kyst

goodgirl85 -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/5/2008 5:12:11 PM)
I know. That is part of the problem. I worry about things that I am scared to talk to him about, and then at the end of the day, he is the only that is there to talk to about things, so either I talk him to death about something, or I don't talk to him at all. Then I don't talk to anyone... and then something small or stupid happens, and I flip out. I'm not so good about putting myself out there, and it may be to late to save my relationship, I don't know, that ball is unfortunatly not in my court anymore. But if joining a group, a class, anything that I can do on my own, without him, where I have the potential to make friends, well i figure its good for me no matter what happens.

SlayerZ -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/5/2008 5:30:38 PM)
I don't think there would be anything wrong with it if he took the course course of action, i.e. he didn't have any outside interests, himself. But this doesn't appear to be the case. It sounds like he has taken out of of your circle, or you left willingly, and now you're stuck in limbo. It's great that you've come to a realization that you require an outside social life. If you're not happy in the current climate then I would suggest that you talk to him. But it sounds like you're reluctant to talk to him, so there's nothing else for it than to claim a resolution with regards to the relationship. When a relationship loses it's groundwork of communication then that's it pretty much over. I wish you well and I hope that everything works out for you. And don't be so silly! There was nothing "desperate" about what you're doing. Doing a spot of preemptive searching won't hurt anyone.

goodgirl85 -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/5/2008 5:36:57 PM)
thanks for all the support and info. Missokyst, I stopped for him, but I had known before I even met him that I needed to. I have, thanks to genetics and my upbringing, an addictive personality. Fortunatly, I have always been able to recongize when i am starting to get out - or am - out of control and can usually at least cut back. At the time I was in a rut, and He was the catalyst for the change I needed... sort of like my intervention without the drama of it all. I am thinking of taking a few classes, cooking and digital photography, to start off with, as well as someday soon going back to school. Money is just tight right now, so those options, for the time being are not an option. I am going to start looking for a new life for myself, maybe I'll even take a class I don't have a huge interest in, just to see how it develops. Hell, you never know. Thank you for the information.

feralcat -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/5/2008 6:08:43 PM)
Hey goodgirl....the folks here are right. There is a lot more to life than BDSM. IMO I think that balance is REALLY important. Kink without vanilla interests loses something for me. If you can't take classes right now,maybe you can take your camera out and practice with things like lighting,action shots (hey taking pictures of him racing might be lots of fun) etc. Get really familiar with terms and whatnot. Same with cooking. Your local library or the internet (see there is a use for the internet other than porn!) is loaded with info to start you on your way. Good for you on the drinking...you will be a better person for yourself AND whoever you meet. Best wishes , Ms Feral

califsue -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/5/2008 6:56:47 PM)
All the best to you....It is hard when you realize changes need to be made but you may not be quite ready to make that change and money although they say doesn't buy happiness it can certainly help to have some. Community college is a great way to start if available where you live. You can always look into financial aid. You are young enough to be able to work and go to school. Start by taking one class of something that interests you. Some communities even offer free classes. I know of someone who was going to school but because of the California Budget crisis couldn't but was able to locate a free spanish class and she enrolled just to keep herself busy. If the area you live has a community center they may have some free classes or even look into places that may need volunteers especially considering your work background.

UmbraDomina -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/5/2008 8:41:08 PM)
for RI area --http://www.domsubfriends.com/cgi-local/wwwdir/db.cgi?db=org&uid=default&state=RHODE+ISLAND&view_records=View+Records&ww=on For Mass--http://www.domsubfriends.com/cgi-local/wwwdir/db.cgi?db=org&uid=default&state=MASSACHUSETTS&view_records=View+Records&ww=on

Maya2001 -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/5/2008 9:07:51 PM)
My son had to make some major lifestyle changes and inorder to do so .. had to get away from all friends at the time inorder to start with a fresh slate with out the influences ... so I can understand how tough it is for you and it is healthy for people to have friends/activities outside of their main relationship... since money is an issue for doing things such a taking classes ... look to see what volunteers opportunities may be around... in you have say a interest in animals .. look to see if any rescues/shelters could use some help on nights days when your Dom is usually involved in racing.. there are lot of volunteer organizations out there and within them you may be able to also learn new skills and develop new interests

Jeptha -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/6/2008 12:08:50 PM)
Visiting the local library can be a good way to find out what's going on where you live. A lot of groups will drop off information about their activities there. (though you might not find info about a local munch there...) Somethings you do just once to check them out. I tried ballroom dancing (just once...) , but was woeful at it. I've checked out local rockhounding groups and gone on an Audubon (the bird people) hike recently, and there are some decent classes at the local community center (and through other parks and recreation groups) that are pretty cheap. Allow yourself to follow your most geeky inclinations where-ever they may lead you. Right now I've got so many projects to do at home that I don't have the inclination to make time for outside classes. Congradulations on taking a break from drinking. It's healthy to take a break - and it can save some cash, too.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/6/2008 12:29:47 PM)
Congrats on getting away from the drinking...whether it was his influence or your own decision or a confluence of both sets of thinking, tis a good thing. As for communication...that should be going on with him on all aspects that you and he deem important. But no, he should not be the only one you have to talk to. For one thing, he is NOT your therapist and while it can be tempting to put a partner into that role, I've rarely seen it work. Whether submissive or dominant, there are not enough obligations and responsibilities in a relationship dynamic that are serious and need minding to keep the dynamic alive. To ask them to be a therapist for a problem as serious as addiction is adding a layer to the dynamic that should not be added. The "therapist" in this instance can't win.

windchymes -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/6/2008 5:13:05 PM)
That actually sounds like my idea of what a healthy relationship is, be it BDSM or whatever....when you both have "a life", that is, interests, friends, activities and hobbies away from the other as well as your life together. That way, you have time to miss each other, and you have things to share with the other when you are together.

goodgirl85 -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/6/2008 5:32:15 PM)
Thank you all for your advice, and support. I talked to Him today and we are still together. There are conditions, one is I need to see a counselor, and I need to either except my low social life or do something about it, which I plan to. I have found a munch in my area and might be attending, though that is something He is worried about doing alone... and am looking into local classes. We are going to see how well thing go, and I will keep you all updated. thanks again girl

apiercedkitty -> RE: Without sounding desperate.... (10/6/2008 6:00:09 PM)
~FR~ Congratulations on the knowledge and ability to change a habit like drinking. As far as going back to school, i was able to go completely on grants when i went back - you can go to www.fafsa.ed.gov and fill out a financial aid application for free and then you'll know if you can get aid and how much.

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