Not understanding

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Not understanding

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Not understanding

Page: [1]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Not understanding - 10/5/2008 9:42:29 PM

auron79

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/25/2007
Status: offline

I'm trying to figure out why I can find all these Sub/ Slave female that want a Dom/ Master in there life. But once i meet up with them and get to know them. I start to really show interest and want a D/s relationship, they turn and run, and say that I'm to Dom for them.

I hang out at the clubs, and all the people that I know say that I'm one of the nicest guys and would make a great Dom. I have even got the joke of Knight in Shining Leather.

So why are do i find all these females??

Any advise?

Post #: 1

RE: Not understanding - 10/5/2008 9:56:16 PM

hopelesslyInvo

Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline

if the people saying you're the nicest of doms are people who never had you as a dom, maybe take the advice of the people running away? you might decide you're coming on too strong if you look back on things, and decide to approach relationships differently, but doing that might make you seem not 'dom' enough to the next girl.

there's nothing else to do really but keep looking and keep being yourself till you do find a match.

unless of course you want to get more in depth of what you mean by 'showing interest'

< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 10/5/2008 10:01:21 PM >

_____________________________

great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

(in reply to auron79)

Post #: 2

RE: Not understanding - 10/5/2008 10:00:13 PM

ExKat

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline

Maybe you come on too strong at first? I can imagine a newbie (or even an old salt) being scared away by someone who brought out ye olde shining leather right at the coffee shop for the whipping. Even the nice guy can become the scary guy if you get all domly too soon.

It's also possible that these girls merely love the fantasy of BDSM, and so any actual physical dom is too much dom for them.

It doesn't seem like it from your profile, but maybe you're into a very intense full-on lifestyle relationship and that's too much for these girls? It's difficult to say without being those girls.

_____________________________

~*~ The amalgam of Exquemelin and Katie978~*~
In the forums, it'll usually be Katie you're speaking to.
testing
"That's the plan/ Rule the world/ You and me/ Anyday ::wink::"

(in reply to hopelesslyInvo)

Post #: 3

RE: Not understanding - 10/5/2008 10:01:50 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Maybe you're coming on too strong, too soon? I know that I've met a few Doms in r/l and been turned off them big time when they've tried to demand too much when we've only just met. Try and relax, remember that 'nilla plays a part in every relationship and try to get to know the sub as a person before you try being their Dom.

good luck!

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to auron79)

Post #: 4

RE: Not understanding - 10/5/2008 10:04:02 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: auron79

I'm trying to figure out why I can find all these Sub/ Slave female that want a Dom/ Master in there life. But once i meet up with them and get to know them. I start to really show interest and want a D/s relationship, they turn and run, and say that I'm to Dom for them.

I hang out at the clubs, and all the people that I know say that I'm one of the nicest guys and would make a great Dom. I have even got the joke of Knight in Shining Leather.

So why are do i find all these females??

Any advise?

Well, I have a few questions...

1) This post leads me to believe you have not had a D/s relationship up to this point in your life. Is that true?

2) Other people say you would make a great Dominant...what do YOU think?

3) What's the joke about the Knight in Shining Leather?

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to auron79)

Post #: 5

RE: Not understanding - 10/5/2008 10:25:43 PM

auron79

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/25/2007
Status: offline

Ok to state what all the questions at once. I have had 4 subs in 5 years. The last one was my slave, but ended it do to her being married and feelings started to come up that we both could not have.

I'm the type of dom that is a gentlemen all the time. I might talk about things that we our interested in in chatting about. But, I then I scared shitless to make the first move. but once i know that i can be more Dominate and it is wanted by both i will be. Most of the female that i have tried to start something with, it depended a lot on how it happened. But most of the time it was 2 to 3 dates before i would even start to show my dom side. And that would be more just bringing a arm behind the back, or pullig of hair. Things that are just testing to see how they react.

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 6

RE: Not understanding - 10/5/2008 10:44:43 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

4 subs in 5 years...that doesn't sound like someone who has trouble finding a submissive to me. What's changed?

You say in your OP that as soon as you let them know you are interested in a D/s relationship they run because you are too Domly..but then you say that all you do is a little arm twisting or hair pulling...which is it?

It sounds to me, like you are having difficulty separating your wants and desires from your real life interactions. Maybe that's a good starting place.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to auron79)

Post #: 7

RE: Not understanding - 10/6/2008 3:21:07 AM

littlemisssnarf

Posts: 85
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline

Ok - so when you meet with a potential sub do you ask about her expectations? What she is looking for? Do you tell her about your needs and requirements?

It could just be that you've had some bad luck recently - but as MissTress has said 4 in 5 years ain't bad!!!

Give yourself a break - maybe don't try so hard and perhaps be a little more picky about who you go for coffee with?

_____________________________

let the sun shine on your soul and smile...

(in reply to yourMissTress)

Post #: 8

RE: Not understanding - 10/6/2008 4:43:05 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Im going against the grain here and stating that mabey your not comming on strong enough.

(in reply to littlemisssnarf)

Post #: 9

RE: Not understanding - 10/6/2008 5:04:45 AM

girlivy

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

All you can do is just be yourself, and be comfortable with that, but first you must KNOW yourself. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why others do things. (short drive for me).. I can not help but think that perhaps you have fallen into "choosing" subs that will in fact end up running off. If there's a pattern one need to question the seamstress.

P.S. Please do tell the "Shining Leather Joke"

< Message edited by girlivy -- 10/6/2008 5:08:15 AM >

_____________________________

AUTHENTIC SPIRITUAL GROWTH NEVER COMES FROM EXPERIENCES THAT THE EGO CAN PREDICT OR CONTROL.
OUR SPIRIT HAS ITS OWN AGENDA: OUR DESTINY.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken!

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 10

RE: Not understanding - 10/6/2008 6:46:12 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

4 in 5 seems pretty high to me.
Your post indicates you have pre set ideas on how a dominant is dominant, rather than relaxing and just being dominant as yourself. That could be an issue.
Bad choices and not seeing possible consequences emerge is another.

Re-evaluate the kind of relationship you want and don;t rush head first into something you think you want. In other words, don't settle.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to auron79)

Post #: 11

RE: Not understanding - 10/6/2008 6:51:42 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

I was abit curious about the 4 in 5 thing myself. why cant you sustain a relationship? or have these been pre-set terms?

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 12

RE: Not understanding - 10/6/2008 8:45:03 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Have you ever asked, what does too dom mean?
When i was searching for a dominant it took me 5 years to find one. Four in five years is an awful lot.
How quickly do you think a quality sub should come along?

There are a lot of questions that need to be answered before I would feel comfortable giving advice.

I can tell you from my point of view just on what you have said. You hang out at all of the clubs. You look like a player.
Depending on what I was searching for you'd already be gone. I wanted a long term relationship, not just someone to play with.
I'd ask you why you have gone through so many submissives and is there a time frame for me to submit to you. Because you seem to go through them awfully quick. Apparently you are not choosing compatible submissives but choosing play partners. Hence the hanging out at play spots all of the time.

I'd ask what you are into and what you want. I'd also tell you about myself, what I want out of a relationship.

I assume the joke about the knight in shining leather is something about you acting like a gentleman?

(in reply to auron79)

Post #: 13

RE: Not understanding - 10/6/2008 4:22:16 PM

auron79

Posts: 5
Joined: 11/25/2007
Status: offline

OK do a list of subs that i had.
1.the gal the introduced me to the scene. That ended to do major things that she could not follow (get and hold a job)
2. the second was at the same time with the first one, and want a year after the first ended. And that ended to her leaving me, found out later that she cheated on me and could not handle that.
3. She decided that she wanted to join the Marines so we ended things.
4. Was the first time that I tried having a sub that was married. Found out that i can not just be dom to someone and not let of feelings become involved.

And if i was a player, I would hate to see what a player is. I played with my old sub, and when i was asked to be a co top in a scene. It has been almost a year since i done a major scene. Before that is was 1.5 years. So if u classify me at a player I would hate to see what u call the predators that are in the scene.

I go to the clubs to hang out with friends. Most of the time, I just go for the social nights,and very rarely go to the play nights, only if asked to or to see some friends that only go on those nights.
The joke about the knight thing, is that I'm a nice guy, not a player, asshole, or dungeon toy top. I want something that is real and not wam bam thank you mam thing.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 14

RE: Not understanding - 10/10/2008 7:07:15 PM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

I think you just haven't found the one for you. I think focusing on yourself, work and doing the things you like as mentioned in your profile that you will find one for you. It seems like the harder one looks at time there doesn't seem to be a match. You seem to have alot to offer someone. It sometimes take people years to find someone. Just relax and have fun and enjoy your journey.

(in reply to auron79)

Post #: 15

RE: Not understanding - 10/10/2008 11:42:43 PM

bluefireroses

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: califsue

It seems like the harder one looks at time there doesn't seem to be a match... Just relax and have fun and enjoy your journey.

i think these are the best two options. For me, i tend to back away when the "Dom" says He wants to play in the first meet, constantly talks about D/s and sex, and when He isn't someone i find that is a Dominant match for me. i feel as though getting to know one another is important in the first few meetings, if we like eachother there's the rest of the relationship for D/s talk and play.

However, there is always the unspoken statement that they are the Dom and tend to act within that capacity. i usually let them choose where to meet (within reason), and when. There are some times where i may be more fiesty than normal, but always have a certain limit that i will let my mouth go. Perhaps by adding some D/s aspects of the non-play interaction in at first will give them a feel for how you are.

(in reply to califsue)

Post #: 16

RE: Not understanding - 10/11/2008 8:35:20 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Im going against the grain here and stating that mabey your not comming on strong enough.

I read all the responses so far and will add to what Dnomyar has said.

If in your getting to know some gal initially, expectations, wants, need, desires being discussed and then you come on as laid back and no being assertive, all those emails are wasted cause the gal didn't get what you said...dont fit.

Sir was exactly like his emails with me for 2 months. There was no warm up period as in did you really mean what you said.

Be totally yourself and a gal will accept just as you must insist she is open and honest and means what she means.

And my rule is, if engaging with one person and gets getting to the point where you see what you want in her/him, stay the course. Being single, dint go for the married partner. This is not how D/s relationships work in the long term cause the married one has commitments.

If the joke is that you are a knight in shining armour....
then dont get off the horse and in your shining armour act like a peasant... scoop the gal up and ride !!

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 17

RE: Not understanding - 10/11/2008 12:07:53 PM

WhiplashSmile2

Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline

I've encountered this a few times before in the past. Actually, ironic as it sounds I've been a bit overwhelming recently for the girl I'm currently involved with, and we've been at it for 3 months now.

I don't know what to tell you, you do have to find a good comfortable pace for you and your prospective partner to take things at. At least I managed to only become a bit overwhelming at the 3 month mark and not the 3 day mark. If that had happened I think it might have totally scared her off. At least with three months into it, she's come to know a hell of a lot about me.

D/s does not happen over night and takes a little time to develop and work at. Remember D/s is just not about you being ready able and wanting to Dom somebody, it involves them being ready able and wanting to submit as well.

(in reply to auron79)

Post #: 18

Page: [1]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Not understanding

Page: [1]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094