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Ever have this happen to you? - 10/6/2008 2:02:30 AM

VivaciousSub

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I received a phone call from my sister about an hour ago. She and her long-term boyfriend, who showed every sign of going the distance, have broken up. She's a complete wreck, can't sleep, etc. Things hadn't been going well for her recently either - she was in the process of weeding bad influences out of her group of friends - always hard to do no matter how much you need them gone; and she was laid off from a job she adored. Thus, her support system is pretty much nil and as she's not employed has nothing to get up and do all day tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next day.

She lives in Philadelphia and while I insisted that I am flying up to be with her no later than the end of the week, I feel terrible that I can't just drive over and be with her like I could when I lived up there near her.

She's heartbroken, and besides the fact that I am very teary-eyed seeing my sister so miserable, I like her boyfriend very much. In fact, he's a childhood friend of ours and I can't imagine that he's feeling all that great about the situation either.

B is vacillating between hating him silly and missing him terribly. They lived together, so it's made worse for her as he is no longer there and she's in an apartment devoid of the man she really loved.

My question to you is - have you ever had a close family member or friend experience this kind of brutal situation and how have you helped support them while staying neutral in regards to the ex? I am of course in solidarity with El Sistero - we're Irish twins (precisely 12 months apart) - but have no wish to get into a Hate The Ex Fest, cause I don't.

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To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

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RE: Ever have this happen to you? - 10/6/2008 2:12:33 AM

MissIsis

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You are probably not going to be able to stay completely neutral because she is your sister, & blood. Family sticks together. If she is miserable, of course, you are going to be drawn to her side.

I really wouldn't call this brutal. It hurts. We have all been there. But the truth is that by breaking the relationship, the man did your sister a favor. Now, she can heal, & move on with her life, & someday, she will now have the opportunity to really be with someone who might really go the distance with her.

Best you can do is be there for her to support her in any way you are able to. Maybe a couple weeks visiting with you will help her get her mind on other things. We all need a break now & then, & getting her away from there for even a short time, to be with people who love her might help.

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RE: Ever have this happen to you? - 10/6/2008 2:19:07 AM

Aneirin

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I did that, lost wife, adopted family, step grand children, home and job all in one day, all I can say, if it were not for my family who were prior to the situation, distant and difficult, well, lets just say they all came together, people who had not talked for years, started to communicate and they all pulled out all the stops and refrained from judging the situation, they were just there for a family member in distress.

The saying, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family is correct, but the family is always there for each other when things go wrong, we have our own support network.

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RE: Ever have this happen to you? - 10/6/2008 2:23:29 AM

VivaciousSub

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Thank you! That's what I'm hoping and that's why I am insisted to her that I was getting my ass on the plane this week to come see her. She needs her sis, and even though she's balking at the idea of my hauling my rear up there, too bad for her.

Qualifier: What made me use the term "brutal" was the added stress of unemployment and very limited support group near her. Those factors take a bad breakup and make it excruciating because there's very few immediate outlets to keep her moving forward with her life.

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To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

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RE: Ever have this happen to you? - 10/6/2008 4:08:06 AM

PrincessJ77

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She's lucky to have a loving sis like you. My respect to you and give her a hug for me.

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RE: Ever have this happen to you? - 10/6/2008 5:02:27 AM

UncleNasty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aneirin

The saying, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family is correct, but the family is always there for each other when things go wrong, we have our own support network.

Not all families are such. We don't all grow up on "Walton's Mountain."

To the OP your willingness and desire to be supportive of her may count for most of that support. It is difficult to console someone when they in a relatively inconsolable predicament. Remember that it is possible to have and feel conflicting emotions at the same time. Perhaps best to simply allow her to feel all the feelings she is having and not try to sway her towards any of one them over any of the others.

Uncle Nasty (I'm not a real therapist I just play one on TV)

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RE: Ever have this happen to you? - 10/6/2008 8:34:48 AM

sub4hire

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Just support here. Hold your tongue when it comes to the ex boyfriend. Whether good or bad sentiments allow her to be the one to bring him up.

I have to ask, why did they show every sign of going the distance? Because you weren't there to see what was really going on day to day? Your sister chose not to involve you in her life until the time came it became too much for her to handle on her own?

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RE: Ever have this happen to you? - 10/6/2008 8:47:48 AM

pahunkboy

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I been there.

Watch what you say. Examine the outcomes if A, B or C, but do not prompt her to do A B or C.

Be a good listener. Try not to bad mouth him!   You can say his actions are right or wrong. The thing is you or her do not know if she and him are back together next week.

If you take sides now - then it taints the closeness to her.

I try my best to stay out of these types of things

Dont bad mouth him.    [I dont know him...] just be a good listener- rephrase what she tells you.

Why cant she come to you? It sounds like a rescue me thing and that can open up a whole new can of worms if it becomes a habit.

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RE: Ever have this happen to you? - 10/6/2008 9:07:39 AM

Dnomyar

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Me and my brothers always fixed my sister up with other guys. We all fixed each other up with dates all of the time. It did not work all of the time. Some of my brothers went back to the girls who dumped them. Not a good thing to do if you were from my show em no mercy family.

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RE: Ever have this happen to you? - 10/6/2008 9:39:35 AM

VivaciousSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

I been there.

Watch what you say. Examine the outcomes if A, B or C, but do not prompt her to do A B or C.

Be a good listener. Try not to bad mouth him!   You can say his actions are right or wrong. The thing is you or her do not know if she and him are back together next week.

If you take sides now - then it taints the closeness to her.

I try my best to stay out of these types of things

Dont bad mouth him.    [I dont know him...] just be a good listener- rephrase what she tells you.

Why cant she come to you? It sounds like a rescue me thing and that can open up a whole new can of worms if it becomes a habit.

PA,

I totally understand what you say about the habit. Oddly, my immediate family - B, my mother and I - make a very big point of staying away from our extended family because they do just that. It's like we show up and they say "oh! look! the competent person is here!"

B doesn't do that, thankfully, and I don't like being used as a puppet and she knows it. However, the reason she's not immediately flying here - rather than me there - is that ironically, she is already flying down here in 10 days.

10 days when she's this fragile is a long way off, and it'd be less expensive for me to fly up then come back down here with her rather than have her change all of her flight plans.

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9.8m/s^2 + VivaciousSub + ground = ouchx10^9th

To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

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RE: Ever have this happen to you? - 10/6/2008 9:52:32 AM

VivaciousSub

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I wanted to say thank you all so much for your replies. It's helping me very much to see common pitfalls that I might otherwise not spot because this is my sister and not "random person on internet board".

I think I'm basically going to just have to step outside of my own emotions, in a way and not get caught up in sisterly enthusiasm. Especially because, as one poster noted, I can't predict the future.

As to why I couldn't see it coming - well, I'll admit to a blind spot there. I think my entire family, extended included - they know him from years back as well - was very happy for them and they were extraordinarily close friends that handled issues very well together, from what I had seen from being around them. Apparently the breakup was triggered when B sat down with her ex to discuss some relationship stuff and he freaked and bailed. Not his usual reaction at all!

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To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

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RE: Ever have this happen to you? - 10/6/2008 9:54:46 AM

Igot99Problems

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I've never had to give advice in the regard to relationships, but I have experienced something similar to what your sister has just gone through. I broke up with my ex (or rather she broke up with me) just a few months ago. I was devastated not only by the relationship ending, but also the way in which it ended.

I absolutely loved this women, even going so far as to have put down a down payment on a ring. About a month before the break up actually occurred, I started to get strange signals from her. She pysically and emotionally started to detach herself from me. I thought it was just the pressures of work building up. A few weeks later I went on a business trip for a week. I'll never forget I was sitting at the airport bar on my way back home when I get a phone call from her.

Completely devoid of emotion she tells me "I just quit my job, i'm pregnant with another mans baby, and we are getting married." Mind you i'm in the middle of an airport bar... emotionally devastated would be an understatement.

Things could always be worse for your sis, and you should remind her of that. Not to shirk responsibility, but I would also make sure her anger is not turned inward, but projected onto her ex. If all else fails, there is always the slashed tires, broken windows technique which I hear is quite cathartic

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