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Crossing over from Vanilla to D/s - 10/6/2008 8:42:43 AM

WhiplashSmile2

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Life can be very interesting, experiences often vary from relationship to relationship. Along with it new challenges and issues. What we are used to in one relationship, or even our interactions with other people in general are different.

In my Quest for a D/s partner, I've not laid out a lot of crazy D/s groundwork in simply communicating and getting to know somebody. I tend to work with who and what I have on my hands.

This morning was rather interesting, I was reminded of something I had previously said to somebody. Words sort of coming back to haunt me.   Actually, these words were the result of me wanting to maintain a vanilla boundary in the start of getting to know somebody that's become very dear and near to me now.

Slowly the vanilla to D/s boundaries have been becoming broken down. Anyways, at first she was telling me everything and anything going on. I had told her she did not need to report to me everything going on. After all, we were simply two people talking to see if we are compatible.   However, now... I'm finding I wanting and needed to be more in touch with what is going on.

There is a general principal behind this madness though. Where if somebody says that they are going to call me back in a little bit, however if something comes up where they are unable to do this, a quick text message or quick voice call letting me now, something has come up... really is appreciated and valued by me.

In fact, even most of friends do this along with other people that I interact with. Anyways, I voiced an this issue this morning after a number of repeating incidents that have happened. I generally, don't look at myself as a need to know everything that is going on Nazi, however, in many regards really I am.   I'm just used to somebody automatically doing this.   Oh wait, a minute, I sort of said, gee.. you really don't have to tell me everything you are doing.   Ummmmm... I was trying to keep the D/s boundary from being crossed early on, not knowing if there was the right chemistry and such there.

Mmmmmmmm.... A moment of confusion for the submissive partner, then me quickly saying, I'm not expecting you to give me an update, unless you committed yourself to calling me back in a little bit or something else.   I hate waiting around for hours for calls that don't happen.   I tend to hold people to doing what they say they are going to do.   If somebody can't do it, a quick call or text message or IM before or after the fact.. ASAP as the situation presents itself is dearly appreciated.

Now, however, this morning I'm questioning myself, should I roll back the clock and now say, tell me everything going on.   Even more so if this makes it easier for her. Mmmmmmmmm... actually, that would wow.. sort of make my day doing this anyways. However, it does mean an increase in the D/s levels that have been slowly happening anyways.

So... I'm faced with having to have a good heart to heart and exploring the best resolution to the issues.   Time to move things to this level of D/s.  I need to do a little explaining as to why, I told her she did not have to tell me everything going on. Well, I don't want her to call and let me know if she's going to bathroom or not. LOL.. that's a little too much information.

There are issues with ADD or ADHD involved, and trust me, things do not always go smoothly at times. Back to structure and expectations. I'm thinking about getting into a routine and habit of things might make things better and easier.

To be honest with everybody here, this is the one and only issue I have had with her what-so-ever.   She actually is a really awesome person, she's a sweetheart in fact. However, this is one thing that is prone to drive me the most nutz at times.   I really don't have a lot of crazy rules and expectations that are unrealistic for a sub/slave.

I just expressed this as being perhaps the one thing, that will drive me nutz the fastest and the most when dealing with anybody.   I shared this with her this morning. In fact, it will drive me crazy with people I work with, bandmates, friendships or whatever else. It's something I generally don't have a problem with when dealing with many or most people.

Then again, most people I know or deal with are not very ADD or ADHD. There is one client that I work for that is, however he tends to be rather hyperfocused at times, and I have to refocus his attention to other areas of the projects going on. Make him see the big picture at times.   Hyperfocused ADD is really not that difficult for me to deal with.

Ummmmmmm... back to ADD/ADHD and having realistic expecations or rules that work with this.   Would it be best to simply keep it simple, and have her tell me everything that is going on with frequent reporting to me. She seems to have moments where she forgets that she said she'd call me back in a little bit.  I'm working on making her understand things from my end of the coin.   It's a little frustrating waiting on somebody, and for phone calls back that happen hours and hours later.   It's really far from being "a little bit"....

Perhaps I'm just too much of a Nazi in this department. I do know, I hate waiting around on other people at times. I'm patient to a degree, however there are limits to my own levels of being patient with people in general.   Actually, this is not so much of a D/s thing as it is a thing in general I have.

I'm sort of interested if anybody else has experienced some similar difficulties, crossing over from Vanilla to D/s with one who has ADD/ADHD.

I'm thinking either, I need to develop more patient and understanding, or she needs to be more on the ball in letting me know what the hell is going on in general. What's been going on, tends to test my current levels of patience and understanding at times. Sucks actually at times when it happens.

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RE: Crossing over from Vanilla to D/s - 10/6/2008 10:01:56 AM

VivaciousSub

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Whiplash,

Don't be one of the people who lets her use her ADHD as a crutch for rude behavior, because that's what "not following through on your word" is. If she promised to call back in a bit, and didn't, you can either "become more patient and understanding" because she has ADD, or you can insist that she get her ass on the ball, ADD or not.

I have ADD very badly, and it doesn't excuse me from not doing what I said I was going to do. It makes it a bit more difficult at times to remember to follow through, but in the end the responsibility lies with me. I still call people when I say I will, I'm not late to anywhere, etc. Really, the only thing it affects is that I'm a little more cluttered than some. That, and I'm a complete space cadet.

What strikes me even more is that you said you let her know how you feel. If you have done so and she still doesn't follow through, that's not showing a lot of regard for you.

Work with her on organizing a system. If she says she'll check in, have her learn to set an alarm on her phone or watch or something to remind her. If she's late getting places due to disorganization - a common problem - then help her figure out a way for her to stay more organized and not lose her stuff. Example: I will never be a type to hang my keys on a peg by the door. Instead, I have a hall table that everything gets dumped on when I come home - thus, keys may not be on peg by the door, but keys/purse/sunglasses are all right next to the door so I never have to go searching for them.

Please do her a favor and help her learn how not to use that damn label as an excuse!!!

Edited to add: Keep in mind that if she does this to you, she does it to other people. Not getting this under control will hurt her personal and professional relationships. The business world is way less tolerant of the ADD Excuse than even personal relationships, cause the bottom line doesn't give a s*it about why you were late or disorganized. Either way, the end result is that they lost productivity and the finances aren't very forgiving of that. So really, getting this together is as much for her sake as yours.

< Message edited by VivaciousSub -- 10/6/2008 10:53:22 AM >

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RE: Crossing over from Vanilla to D/s - 10/6/2008 11:56:49 AM

gypsygrl

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A suggestion: If she says she's gonna call you back in a little bit, or later, pin her down to a specific time, say, by 3pm. "Later" never happens but 3pm does. I don't know how well I can explain this, but things tend to get stuck in my head exaxtly as they occur. So, if Sir tells me to call later, that's how it enters my brain and I'll think all day long that I have to call Sir later. But, later is never now so the phone call may not get made. :) Being specific, 3pm in this example, helps the later get to a now. Make sense? Its an innocuous way of adding D/s structure without going overboard. The number of phone calls is the same, they're just more organized according to the direction you would like to see things happen. Again, I have no idea if this makes sense.

When Sir's out for an extended period, I can call whenever I like but he has a rule that I phone when I wake up and when I go to bed. I never miss those phone calls.

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RE: Crossing over from Vanilla to D/s - 10/6/2008 11:58:44 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiplashSmile2
I'm sort of interested if anybody else has experienced some similar difficulties, crossing over from Vanilla to D/s with one who has ADD/ADHD.

My wife isn't diagnosed with any kind of acronym. She is, however, a very "in the moment" sort of person and things get forgotten. From my standpoint, I'm faced with a simple question... Do I want someone who will willingly obey and serve to the extent of her abilities but will forget commands regularly? For me, that was a no-brainer. It's trivial for me to remind her "Honey, did you remember you're making me a screwdriver?" At which point she gets sheepish, drops whatever distracted her, and goes to make the drink. Presto. 3 seconds on my part and problem solved. For me, at least, part of being a great leader is being able to adapt my leadership style to those I'm leading. This is just one of those adaptations and a fairly simple one. It's only if I got lost in the whole "woooooooooooo MASTER/SLAVE" thing that this becomes problematic.

Over time, I may elect to start makign some changes in her to mitigate the problem, but right now, her addictions are top priority in my work queue. Even then, I have to be very careful to not squelch the personality that I love while chasing some image of perfection. My personal guess is that at most I'll give her some coping mechanisms and expect some mitigation of the "problem", but that's about it. It's a part of who she is and I love her... all of her.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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RE: Crossing over from Vanilla to D/s - 10/6/2008 12:17:15 PM

SrchngCpl73112

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Leadership you are awesome!

I tend to have the same problems. I am very forgetful. I dont have an acronym to go with it, it is jsut me. I can walk off from something and totally forget what i was originally doing. 'Daddy' handles this really well. The way i handle it is to do things right then and try to totally stay focused on that particular thing until it is finished. When i am making dinner i stay in the kitchen usually. I have burnt things before...lol

But back to ADD/ADHD. 'Daddy' has one of them, i can never remmeber which. He takes medication that really helps but for himself and dealing with what he has he has to stay very structured and very organized. Things need to be kept in the same places so he knows where they are. We do have a hook for the keys and it is his routine to put them up there when he walks in the door. There have been a time or 2 he hasnt and we spent forever looking for the keys and they were in his pocket...lol Now i know if it happens again to ask him to check his pockets. She does need structure. It will be good for her. Even though you are just now introducing D/s it will help in every aspect of her life. Since you guys have already started working a little toward having a D/s relationship just talk to her and see how she feels. I think giving her an exact time to call is a perfect idea. Dont just say later. Later may never come because in her mind, what did he mean by later?, how much later?, is now to early or should i wait a while longer?. I could see myself asking those questions and then never getting around to calling. But if you give her an exact time she can put it into her phone if nothing else. You can tell her to put in her phone to call you at 3pm or whatever. I love using the scheduler on my phone with my memory!!!

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