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D/s vs. vanilla - ending of relationships - 10/12/2008 12:17:35 AM

miss8understood

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Joined: 10/11/2008
From: nc
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i guess this is a rant mostly, attempting to do some self-healing...

when a long-term D/s relationship ends for me, it is absolutely gut-wrenching. with vanilla relationships, i've never been nearly as upset.
D/s relationships are, at least to me, more intense, and that's what brings on the more intense feelings in the end. also the D/s relationships typically last longer, which attribute to the intensity as well. i guess i end up grieving the bond....that connection i've made with the person
on such a deep level. i miss the constant stream of structure and discipline. i miss the feeling of serving, of knowing i've made my D
happy/proud/satisfied.

many years ago when i began my journey in this lifestyle, i couldn't wait to find a D to train me. i couldn't get enough of new experiences.
now, while i'm feeling like this, i wonder if i was better off not knowing about the lifestyle. i know all will be well, but for right now.....
it just hurts like hell.

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RE: D/s vs. vanilla - ending of relationships - 10/12/2008 12:30:20 AM

NihilusZero

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Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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Daring to seek out a dynamic that makes you more emotionally vulnerable is a process of incredible highs and also painfully debilitating lows.

It suddenly occurs to me that the above comment is somewhat rhetorical...and not necessarily helpful to assuage the pain. I've been in the situation before, though...and hope you find yourself surrounded by enough support to make the process as smooth as possible.

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RE: D/s vs. vanilla - ending of relationships - 10/12/2008 3:37:37 AM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
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Been there; felt that, and will probably be there and feel that again. I just hold out hope that someday there will be a moment where forever feels real, even if that "forever" to turns out to be just as ephemeral as the last.

Until then, it's mostly just a matter of staying sane and resonably presentable.

< Message edited by WestBaySlave -- 10/12/2008 3:38:04 AM >

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RE: D/s vs. vanilla - ending of relationships - 10/12/2008 7:12:13 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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I don't think the emotions and feelings have anything at all to do with bdsm. They have to do with the fact that you feel a tight connection, a deep bonding with the person.

I've felt the way you described before but it was way much earlier than before I ever got involved with a "dom" into bdsm.

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RE: D/s vs. vanilla - ending of relationships - 10/12/2008 8:25:57 AM

slaveluci

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Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I don't think the emotions and feelings have anything at all to do with bdsm. They have to do with the fact that you feel a tight connection, a deep bonding with the person.

I've felt the way you described before but it was way much earlier than before I ever got involved with a "dom" into bdsm.

Ditto. Just because someone slaps the "BDSM" label on their relationship doesn't mean they're one bit more "emotionally vulnerable" than anyone in what is considered a "vanilla" relationship. When it comes to heartache, the highs and lows are just as good and bad anywhere. BDSM doesn't hold some special corner on such feelings................luci

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RE: D/s vs. vanilla - ending of relationships - 10/12/2008 8:31:45 AM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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A good bdsm relationship is more intense for you because you're wired for it. A good vanilla relationship is more intense if you're wired for that.

As far as staying vanilla, if you had been satisfied and not left feeling that something was lacking, you would have stayed there.

But the skills for a relationship to be healthy, strong and good are the same so go learn how to select partners who fit you better, how to establish and maintain these relationships. If you do it that way, you have a better chance of the relationship not ending.

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RE: D/s vs. vanilla - ending of relationships - 10/12/2008 8:35:45 AM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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Some people are not skilled at ending relationships. They do them awkwardly because they are fearful of confrontation or having to explain themselves. The best and only thing you can do is move on and find your bliss elsewhere.

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RE: D/s vs. vanilla - ending of relationships - 10/12/2008 11:42:44 AM

miss8understood

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From: nc
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thank you for the gentle input. ya'll are really nice.

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RE: D/s vs. vanilla - ending of relationships - 10/12/2008 2:00:30 PM

LATEXBABY64

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protect what you have inside save it for the one who really understands you and not what people say you should do

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RE: D/s vs. vanilla - ending of relationships - 10/12/2008 2:28:34 PM

tweedydaddy

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Joined: 9/1/2008
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Anyone who does not feel pain, does not feel anything, it's the price we pay, we are all the same, we have all been there. All of us. We can only pray never to be there again.

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RE: D/s vs. vanilla - ending of relationships - 10/13/2008 2:52:00 AM

RCdc

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You are the only defining and consistant subject in any relationship. You get what you give. It's the whether is BDSM relationship or not, it's your thoughts on the relationship.

the.dark.

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RE: D/s vs. vanilla - ending of relationships - 10/13/2008 7:19:58 AM

sweetnurseBBW

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From: North Carolina
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The pain, grief, hurt are no different for me in a D/s dynamic ending that a vanilla relationship. I place the same amount of trust in each one. As a slave I will say when the dynamic ends I do feel a bit lost and out of sorts for a bit. It is hard to go from having a dominant there and all the sudden he is gone. Yes feeling pain and loss sucks but I can't live my life being afraid to experience what I am meant to be.

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