What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (Full Version)

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Pet2000 -> What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 12:22:50 AM)

I belonged to a very loving, strong and strict Master.We were 24/7 for 2 years.Then He had a close death in the family(Mother).A few months after we became engaged.
The physical BDSM slowed. I thought nothing of it. Figureing that all relationships have their ups and downs. Also he just had a large loss in his life. That was 3 years ago.Now we have only a vanilla relationship.
He tells me that  he loves me too much to hurt me(including spanking, im not a pain slut) and because of the friendship with my sons he can no longer be my Master.But still wants to be my husband.
This is a man who had been a master for 25 years and a FT Master in his first marrage.  I don't get it. I have try everything that I know to show and tell him its ok that we can mix. BDSM and vanilla. My kids are all grown and live on their own.
I see no reason for this.  Im at my wits end and ready to walk. I cannot spend the rest of my life as a vanilla. I have been there done that.
As a last effort I'm asking if anyone has any ideas on how I might bring him into the lifestyle? Oh BTW ,He still gets turned on by looking at BDSM photos (including mine)............



Durus -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 12:30:52 AM)

Have you told him that you need that dynamic in a relationship. Need not want. Need it in order for there to be a relationship?



ApathyRomance -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 12:52:36 AM)

I've seen a couple posts very much like this one.  There was one thing that people said a bunch, which is that sometimes when someone really falls in love they have a hard time inflicting pain.  *shrugs*  might be worth searching for.



laurieann -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 12:54:05 AM)

I wish I could say something positive in response but I have wasted 13 yeas with a man who came across as very dominant when I met him and then progressively went more and more vanilla. At this point there is no chance we have a future. All that is left is for me to find a truly dominant man and that will be when the nilla guy's life explodes. I love him and don't want to hurt him but I have spent years trying to convince I NEED this... making it clear it isn't a want but a NEED. We have tried expensive counseling, date nights, everything... it just isn't in him. I hope you have better luck than I have.



Lordandmaster -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 2:29:24 AM)

It's sad, but it happens.  I can certainly understand not wanting to hurt someone you love, but it's tragic to forget what made that person fall in love with you in the first place.

All you slaves whose masters DON'T turn vanilla even though they love you: make sure you thank them for their strength every day.  It's not always easy.



Pet2000 -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 3:47:11 AM)

Yes, I begged, pleading that I needed it for us to survive. I love him very much.
After reading these threads Even thought it will break my heart and his.  I know I have to end it.
Its not just about inflicting pain. And My God a little spanking  isent pain. Heck some vanillas do it. Its the whole D/S feel. And yes I carry my weight in the relationship including 50/50 finances.It is just so frustrating.I have talked to his EXs and they are amazed that he is doing this.
So Im assumeing there is no way to get my Master back.....




tsatske -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 5:13:54 AM)

Pet,
This is a marriage, and a man you admit you love, and feel sure loves you.
I get it that you need this, and need it enough to make it worth ending your marriage for.
But you might try counselling first.
And if he refuses to go - tell him, 'I can not live in our marriage the way it is. I am going to find a councler. I am going to a few sessions. If you manage to get your head out of your ass on the councelling thing, we will try to work through this and i will stay till it looks hopeless and i give up. If you can't join me in a councler's office, i will use a few visits to get myself ready, acknowldge that it is already hopeless, and leave now.'



servantheart -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 7:57:53 AM)

See if you can get Him into counseling.  I know that I experienced intense grief for the first two to three years after my own Dad's death.  He may have some complicated grief going on and if so, counseling is definitely a good idea.  If He does go, keep in mind that sometimes it takes a bit of trial and error to find the right counselor.  They're like shoes.  Sometimes you have to try on several pair to find the ones with the right "fit" for you. 
 
You didn't mention in your posts if your Master has ever been interested in a poly situation, but it's worth asking about.  Maybe He will be content to allow you to have your need for domination met via a third party that He meets and approves of ahead of time with the understanding that sex will not be a part of your dynamic with any Dom that you work with. 
 
Obviously you're already considering ending the relationship, and to tell the truth, that may be the only option at this point.  I am sorry that things aren't working out for both of you ~HUG~
 
Best wishes to both of you.
 
 



LadyJulieAnn -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 8:12:09 AM)

I also agree with the idea of counseling.  Was there a lot of physical pain involved in his mother's death?  If so, he may associate causing pain with that event, and now wants to avoid it.

I wish you both luck,
LadyJulieAnn



DesFIP -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 8:58:07 AM)

Just because it's been a few years since his father died doesn't mean he's dealt with the grief issues and other issues that the death stirred up. He needs to do some grief work to deal with the grief but also unresolved anger issues towards his father.

But refusing to deal with stuff is the one thing I will not take. You get an illness, I'm here as long as you are dealing with it. A diabetic who eats cake and candy and needs an ambulance called regularly is not someone I would stay with. A depressive who won't see a therapist or a psychiatrist for meds is someone I won't stay with either.

Help exists, he needs to go get it.



azropedntied -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 10:19:48 AM)

pet . you have waited long enough , life is way to short not to be happy .It is clear that his life has taken another direction and your bdsm and needs are not going to be met .I could sugar coat it and wish you the best ,but having him get talked back into something he really does no longer enjoy would not make him happy either .If you move ahead with a marriage , you are going in eyes wide open knowing your adjusting to what you have stated . 



antipode -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 11:26:03 AM)

You can't. Take the walk. The only way he could change is when you are not there, but from what you say... People do change, you know, some "grow out of it". You need it, go find it.



Durus -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/12/2008 10:23:49 PM)

Life is short. Seek what you need to make you happy and be willing to pay the price.



tweedydaddy -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/13/2008 2:39:39 AM)

Let him go, he's become a sheep from a different fold.



MAWarGod -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/16/2008 2:36:46 PM)

pet I hope you find happness..



spankablemilf -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/16/2008 6:21:28 PM)

I think you need to give it more time.  You never know what his loss has done to him, what if he's just incredibly sad and depressed?  Personally I think it's your obligation to give it more time.  Can you imagine how he'd feel now losing you to a divorce?  I'm not saying to stay forever if things don't get better, but I think you owe him the respect as his wife to make sure that there's not something seriously going on emotionally or mentally first and trying to work through that.



FetishRose -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/16/2008 9:29:35 PM)

For me, if I was in this situation and truly in love with him, I would stay, despite his change in lifestyle.
Love is love.
While D/s may be very important to you..you need to ask yourself, which is more important?  Having a man who loves you enough to be honest with you, and who loved you enough that even when he has moved to being vanilla wants to be with you, or having your daily dose of D/s?
I also agree with the suggestion that if D/s is so important to you, discuss finding a non-sexual master.
But it sounds like you have made up your mind that you can not be with him because he has gone vanilla.  If thats your decision, stick to it, and I hope you never regret it.



SCVTrainer -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/17/2008 3:11:41 AM)

pet,
both of you need to sit down and come up with a plan.  both of you need to agree to this plan.  Both of you need to create a time table for this plan.  you need to agree to mini updates were you re-evaluate and correct the direction or put yourselves back on track to meet the plan.  you both also need to find out what are your core beliefs (wants and needs).  exchange "cores" see if they will mesh together to form one "core".  this "core" is important because while the rest of the world if falling around your ears its the one thing that holds you together.  Its also the same "core" thats there when your 90 and he's beating your bottom with his oxygen tank cord and doesn't have a tooth in his head.  the core will help you keep those regrets away.  Keep mind-full that now is not a time to be bash-full or shy about your wants and needs.  This is your chance to fix whats wrong, don't waver on your core.  You were never meant to be free of the weight of service to your Master.  Your a sub/24/7 your happiness is based on service.  You take pride in caring that service with you daily.

I know that I'm over simplifying your relationship.  Your lucky in a way, that you have someone thats honest and truth-full.
Chris
Most people go through life not knowing who they are, or what they want. 



ranja -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/17/2008 8:44:45 AM)

Give Him something to get a hold on things again...maybe give Him control of your sexual feelings as in ask Him permission to masturbate...slowly draw Him in again istead of being really desperate and needy which might just make Him feel like He is failing and that makes matters even more difficult for Him.



DrgnSlayr -> RE: What do you do when you Master turns vanilla? (10/19/2008 7:30:47 AM)

For better or for worse...that should be the end of the discussion.

I promised my love that I would always be with her and work on our relationship, not that we would always feel like we were in love. I am a man of my word and integrity means something in my world. If we truly stay focused on the relationship rather than the emotions - the Royal Us as another poster put it in a different thread, we will overcome any bumps or valleys in the way in due time...together.

Tell him that you intend to have a Dom outside the marriage, but that you will always be his wife in all other ways as long as you both shall live. It sounds like he would be more understanding than the average vanilla guy who has never been down y'all's road before. Lots of people have stayed in satisfying marriages even after one partner or the other came out of the closet about his/her homosexuality or other issues that would bring a less open-minded marriage crashing to it's knees. If y'all love each other, then you can do it too.



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