RE: begging for release?

RE: begging for release? (Full Version)

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DesFIP -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 1:35:16 PM)
I can see how Cali needed a formal acknowledged phrase to get it through the guy's head. But basically, what happens if he had said "No, you're not released"? Nothing would have changed, she still would be where she is, seeing people she likes, going to Vegas for a bash etc. He could have stayed home pouting and saying she is a bad slave/sub/FW/whatever but it wouldn't change anything. By the time you have to ask for it, the relationship is irrevocably broken.

celticlord2112 -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 1:44:42 PM)
There are a lot of reasons why it gets to that point. Some of them are general life crap that the fates delight in throwing at people. Some are the scars and baggage of previous relationships (hers and mine). Does it represent a breakdown in communications? Yes....most assuredly. The reality is that what we tell our partners is not always what they hear--and sometimes a few tears get shed before the discrepancy between what is said and what is heard gets untangled. We make mistakes. We bump into each other and step on toes and are otherwise clumsy and imperfect. We fuck up. None of which, however, to my mind is a reason to ever give up. All of which, to my mind, are reasons to work harder at the relationship. quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst My question is how does it get to that point? Asking for release in that case is on the far side of the fence. It makes it seem like there is no communication prior to that point. If I tell someone I am not happy, we work out why and how to make things right. I don't say, ok, dude, this is done! Unless things are done. Is there a checkpoint.. a middle ground which you get to before that begging for release? Kyst quote: ORIGINAL: celticlord2112 There have been moments when my slave doubts herself, when she doubts that she is capable of making a D/s relationship work, when she doubts if she is truly "submissive". In such moments, I do not "grant her release", and write off the relationship;

Missokyst -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 1:58:43 PM)
Maybe it is a matter of styles. I am fairly open about what I need, what is happening, and my partners have always been similar. Only once did I break up with someone and have and doubts it was right. But that was because the reason for that breakup was not due to our relationship, but because of his life situation at the time. Still... I thought long and hard for a good year before it came to that step. There were no trial releases to get him to communicate. Kyst

celticlord2112 -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 2:13:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst There were no trial releases to get him to communicate. There are no "trial releases". Despair and the consequences thereof are very real. The trick is to recognize it in your partner sooner rather than later (now I just need to figure out how that trick actually works! [;)])

Missokyst -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 2:17:38 PM)
BTW, did I tell you I love the new tag line? Kyst quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Consigliere Proud charter member of the subby mafia

spook101 -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 2:21:35 PM)
This is an interesting topic, and a really good question to raise. Although I am in a new M/s relationship, and to be honest, the first real one (as all other supposed Masters were quite false in their original claims), there is the recognition of various types of relationships. Of course, if merely online, then really no permission may be required, except what harm it would do to honour the Master, unless he be unworthy of such honour. But even in real life relationships, I imagine there are levels to those relationships. If the relationship is strongly Master/slave and as a result (bearing in mind that Master is capable of actually applying the multitude of psychological adaptations to the relationship) then after a while, if the inner feelings of internal enslavement has set well within the slave, then she (or he) may find it difficult to break away from the relationship, as used to being given permisison to using the toilet and well, everything else really. Surely it depends on how deep the relationship is. I have never reached this far, only now having found someone who is truly a genuine Master, and fully capable of doing what it says on the tin, I would, in respect of the energy and effort he has placed on me in my training, would, if I felt I wished to leave, would ask his permission. Of course, I am not yet living with my Master, and when that time comes, being dependant upon him, would no doubt need to request permisison to leave. I can only hope that my relationship, my enslavement would be such, that even if for any reason I felt leaving, I would feel a need for his permission. Maybe I'm just being a silly slave, but I'm quite the romantic. But if the relationship is merely a BDSM Dom/sub thing, then nah, no permission would surely be needed. I hope more people reply to the OP's post, there are a lot more clever people than me around, who may be able to explain another perspective to why someone should give permission in leaving the relationship. sarah

Missokyst -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 2:21:46 PM)
So.. what happens when your partner does communicate and things have not changed. What would you do, if by that point, she had not asked for release in prior hard times, and has nevertheless come to the conclusion that things are not working for her? What is she is one of those, like I am, who would only opt to end things when for her, they are really at the end? Do you consider release? Do you do it immediately? Or do you say, no, you may not be released until we work things out? What if.. for her that point has come and gone? Kyst

pixidustpet -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 2:38:51 PM)
kyst, i've been in the position to beg release, this past spring. backstory: Daddy collared me in august of last year, knowing i was married and poly and not likely to leave wolf, as i still love(d) him. this was all well and good. in the meantime, the relationship with wolf (which i decieved myself about the stability/healthiness it contained) deteriorated. i began talking again with a gentleman friend/lover of 7 years last winter....about the time that the relationship with my husband was crumbling beyond repair. last spring TheEngineer asked me why i was staying where i wasnt happy, and asked me to marry him. he lives in texas. at the time, i lived in florida, where Daddy also lives. i accepted. now Daddy knew about the crumbling relationship, about all the dirty laundry between wolf and i (some my fault, some his fault, some both our fault) and was scared that wolf was going to literally toss me out of the house. he was GLAD that i was going to be with someone who does love and want me. and i asked/begged Daddy to release me, because i was no longer going to be in florida and this was going to go to an internet-only relationship, which is not what he wanted, he wanted someone he was going to spend time with in person and be able to play all the fun BDSM games with. he has continued to refuse to release me from his ownership. TheEngineer is a dominant, who had said before i moved here that BDSM was going to be part of our relationship, and that he intended to collar me as his own. Daddy knows this....and still refused to release me from his ownership. i'm in texas and have been since june. wolf and the imp have relocated to kentucky. i have an adult daughter still in florida who has decided that since i broke up the family (although she knew that we were unhappy together) she doesnt want to hear from me any longer. so until she changes her mind, i have no reason to go to florida at all. i will not likely see Daddy again in this lifetime. we still email and IM. but we speak of general things and not BDSM except in phrases of "i miss you". i'm no longer there. but he wont release me, even though he gave me his blessing to leave, and is happy i am loved and taken care of now. kitten

windchymes -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 2:58:47 PM)
It's not the asking or begging for release. It's the D not granting the release for one reason or another and then the s weeping and wailing because she's not released and drama, drama, drama. It becomes a big attention-whoring production. Beg for release, fine. Grant the release, fine. Refuse to grant release because you want to be a pissant, not fine. Cry and moan because you supposedly want to leave but stay around because you haven't been released and then want the whole world to know about it, not fine.

celticlord2112 -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 3:00:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst So.. what happens when your partner does communicate and things have not changed. What would you do, if by that point, she had not asked for release in prior hard times, and has nevertheless come to the conclusion that things are not working for her? What is she is one of those, like I am, who would only opt to end things when for her, they are really at the end? Do you consider release? Do you do it immediately? Or do you say, no, you may not be released until we work things out? What if.. for her that point has come and gone? Kyst First, a clarification. My observations reference my relationship with my slave. The extent to which those observations apply to other relationships will be at best problematic. Second, communication is the daily challenge of all relationships. If there be two people who communicate with each other perfectly, I have yet to meet them or hear of them. We communicate imperfectly, we hear imperfectly, we perceive imperfectly. Finally, if such a point has, as you say, come and gone, then my slave will not beg for release.....she will simply leave. That point has not yet come and gone, and my hope is that it will not come at all, but that is the constant gamble in any relationship.

CalifChick -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 3:05:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I can see how Cali needed a formal acknowledged phrase to get it through the guy's head. But basically, what happens if he had said "No, you're not released"? Nothing would have changed, she still would be where she is, seeing people she likes, going to Vegas for a bash etc. He could have stayed home pouting and saying she is a bad slave/sub/FW/whatever but it wouldn't change anything. Yeah, you're right on all points, LOL. I was pretty confident he would say yes, but I was ready with sort of a back-up statement if he said no, and I was open to discussing things if he wanted to. If he just said no without discussion, my backup statement was a more eloquent version of "goodbye." Cali

hopelessfool -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 3:05:50 PM)
Celtic, what if your girl actually WANTED to leave you, would you make her stay? To me thats changing a consentual relationship to one of non consent and in many countries a federal crime. Ive never asked for release, If I wasnt happy and my partner refused to change the situation, I packed my things or his depending and either kicked his ass out the door or slamed it behind me. (Most of them were the kind taunting me with how bad a subbie i was for doing this...yada yada.) -shrugs- Guess Im weird

stella41b -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 3:17:22 PM)
I must admit that watching some things from the sidelines it's pretty confusing to me too. Kind of like relationships on one leg, hopping around, one minute collared to one person, the next minute not, then you're together again, then you're abusing each other for all to see, then back together again and then you move on to the next person, or maybe their friend.. 'what do u like in bdsm?' 'are u sub?' It just seems to me that maybe it's worth spending a little time just to make sure you're with the right person to begin with. It just seems to me that some people can attack others with various items from the toybox and stick some of their body parts into someone else, but they just can't seem to bring themselves to talk about how they feel, what they think, or what they really want or need. Sex and kink are easy, but do you really know how to communicate? If you really are so submissive, so much in love, and so devoted, then why all the drama? Why all the break ups? The conflicts? The nastiness? Why bounce from person to person for exactly the same thing, over and over again? Please don't get me wrong, I'm not talking here about jumping in, giving away feelings and taking risks, because relationships are a crap shoot anyway. Go fuck around if you like, who cares? But just be honest about it and admit that it's just that. No need to put emotions into it, no need to lie to people or use them. If the other person feels something which you don't, then be honest and walk away, move on, no matter how much it hurts. Hearts do not belong in toyboxes. This isn't about anyone in particular, but a kind of semi-rant about something I come across, not necessarily here on these boards, but anywhere where you see the BDSM sign.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 3:19:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst WOW you wanted to take that out!? Dang... I couldnt even voice my objection to the obey part! Kyst Not only did I want to take it out, I -did- take it out. We ended up re-writing our vows...not that the minister was any frigging help at all -- our marriage was contingent on me not having to promise anything beyond the current moment, because I am a total flake about being asked to make promises about the future. (I don't even promise my kids stuff like birthday presents or whatever... "I'll do my best" is the closest they can nail me down, because I never know what tomorrow is going to bring, and it is like fingernails down a blackboard for me to promise something and then not be able to deliver). shrugs Calla Firestorm

celticlord2112 -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 3:20:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hopelessfool Celtic, what if your girl actually WANTED to leave you, would you make her stay? I believe I have already answered that question.

hopelessfool -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 3:27:26 PM)
I didnt see it >.<;; Ill ask it a different way though, what if she didnt simply leave but asked release, would you honestly consider it, or would you take it as her in "Desperation"?

pixidustpet -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 3:28:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: windchymes It's not the asking or begging for release. It's the D not granting the release for one reason or another and then the s weeping and wailing because she's not released and drama, drama, drama. It becomes a big attention-whoring production. Beg for release, fine. Grant the release, fine. Refuse to grant release because you want to be a pissant, not fine. Cry and moan because you supposedly want to leave but stay around because you haven't been released and then want the whole world to know about it, not fine. heh. but some people like the drama, you know? it makes them feel all extra-special and all sparkly cause OH NOES they wanna be all free to go flit off to the next domly-dom and have some more drama cause this relationship isnt all roses and moonbeams and beatings and all the other good stuff cause dammit people have LIVES outside this stuff too. i mean hell....at this household we had a PERIOD. that means we dont do some things, and then there was a cold, and then there was some OMG he had to work late on a project and DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!! he has to go out of country next month for a week or so. so yeah. shit happens. [;)] drama is something i prefer on the TV, not played out in my living room. unless we're just playing. [:D] kitten

Missokyst -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 3:43:13 PM)
Communication is the crux of most things. It is one of the reasons I have to raise a brow when someone posts about how they can "respectfully" bring up an issue that bothers them. In my view it is less than respectful to feel you must dance around an issue, so that your dominant does not feel insulted. Instead, why not come out openly with the things that just are not working. Silence is not golden, it is brown and muddy. If people were less fearful of rocking the boat maybe communication might be easier. As for the rest of you post.... It is a gamble, but it is one that is well worth the effort. May your ride run smoothly. Kyst quote: ORIGINAL: celticlord2112 Second, communication is the daily challenge of all relationships. Finally, if such a point has, as you say, come and gone, then my slave will not beg for release.....she will simply leave. That point has not yet come and gone, and my hope is that it will not come at all, but that is the constant gamble in any relationship.

lilmisssubmiss -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 3:53:37 PM)
lol if you aren't happy in the relationship your dom wont be..bec you wont be giving him what he wants it'll just end i don't see where this begging comes into hand:/

feylin -> RE: begging for release? (10/13/2008 4:26:15 PM)
Why not? Maybe it is a cordial gesture to respect what once was? Not as casual a goodbye as flowers, but cheaper than a singing telegram. But it does strike me odd how much it seems to bother you...what other people do and how they live, I mean.

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