How do you declare"When"

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How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 11:08:01 AM

willy928

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I am still learning and my biggest mistake is to know when. My last slave enjoyed the denial too much, but couldnt let me know to let her have her release. A little guidance please so I do not repeat the mistake again?

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 11:14:32 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: willy928

I am still learning and my biggest mistake is to know when. My last slave enjoyed the denial too much, but couldnt let me know to let her have her release. A little guidance please so I do not repeat the mistake again?

Hmm, I am confuzzled as to what the actual question is

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 11:30:41 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: willy928
I am still learning and my biggest mistake is to know when. My last slave enjoyed the denial too much, but couldnt let me know to let her have her release. A little guidance please so I do not repeat the mistake again?

In general, when you are with a new partner, you have to assume that your ESP pills are maybe not going to work at maximum efficiency. Therefor, old fashioned communication works out as a pretty solid plan B. For my wife and I, we're starting to explore SM. Given that everyone experiences sensations differently, how could I have any idea what was going on in her head without getting some feedback. Accordingly, I told her something like...

"I'm going to spank your ass. When it transitions from sensation play to pain, I want you to say 'ouch'. I'm not going to stop then. You will obey me and allow me to continue as I wish past that point." (always, with us, there is an over-riding.... 'unless I'm being stupid' disclaimer).

Now, given a few sessions like this, I expect I'll get calibrated and we can dispense with the now unnecessary communication.

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 12:23:46 PM

dangerousangel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
In general, when you are with a new partner, you have to assume that your ESP pills are maybe not going to work at maximum efficiency. Therefor, old fashioned communication works out as a pretty solid plan B. For my wife and I, we're starting to explore SM. Given that everyone experiences sensations differently, how could I have any idea what was going on in her head without getting some feedback. Accordingly, I told her something like...

"I'm going to spank your ass. When it transitions from sensation play to pain, I want you to say 'ouch'. I'm not going to stop then. You will obey me and allow me to continue as I wish past that point." (always, with us, there is an over-riding.... 'unless I'm being stupid' disclaimer).

Now, given a few sessions like this, I expect I'll get calibrated and we can dispense with the now unnecessary communication.

Well said.

With the Partner, I'm pretty much expected to -tell- him how I feel. Given that he's on top, I don't really have the option to say "oh, I'd rather not talk about that."

I'm always surprised by how many d-types come in and say "I don't know what s/he wants!" Ask. It's your right to be answered, honestly and fully. You're not expected to know your partner's mind immediatly, nor to know the weird twists and turns that might come over time, and are more than allowed to expect her to -tell- you what she wants and what she likes.

I know for a lot of s-types it's hard, because we feel as though if we say what we want, we're somehow trying to tell our d-types what to do, that by articulating our desires we're taking power out of their hands. On a gut level, I feel that way too. But it comes down to this for me--the Owner wants me to talk to him. He -want-s me to tell him what I like, and what would be enjoyable for me. Were I to hold back, because I felt bad, I'd be denying him something he wanted.

< Message edited by dangerousangel -- 10/13/2008 12:24:20 PM >

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 12:25:18 PM

DesFIP

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In sensation play, you demonstrate how soft to how hard you can hit and ask them to rate it on a scale of one to ten. Then try to stay about her level of a 6, when she needs more she'll tell you.

If you're talking orgasm denial. Men get hornier when denied. Women do for a few days to weeks but if it goes on we stop getting aroused and we start thinking about getting more pets.

But you would have known if it was working for her if you two had clear and effective communication. Obviously you didn't. You need to listen to what people are saying without thinking about what you're going to say next. If you tell someone they can talk to you freely about a sensitive subject and then you blow up at them, they will not talk to you freely again.

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 12:56:37 PM

gypsygrl

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quote:

Women do for a few days to weeks but if it goes on we stop getting aroused and we start thinking about getting more pets.

Yup. Except I start thinking about where to get a sewing machine and wondering if I could learn to knit argyle socks. :)

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 1:02:33 PM

leadership527

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quote:

Original: DesFIP
Women do for a few days to weeks but if it goes on we stop getting aroused and we start thinking about getting more pets.

Good lord Des, I've long since learned to be careful asking the question, "So what are you thinking?" ESPECIALLY during sex. You women have an amazing capacity to think about things like laundry, upcoming birthdays, and the presidential election during the most awkward times. I hardly think it takes weeks of denial *laughs*

EDITED TO ADD: .... or think about knitting argyle socks *laughs*

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 10/13/2008 1:03:13 PM >

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 1:07:38 PM

willy928

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Thanks again all.

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 1:12:55 PM

DesFIP

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leadership, if the sex is really good, I'm not thinking at all!
In fact, to be serious for a second, that's one of the things that I really love about bondage, I stop thinking and just feel.

But if you ask what she's thinking about and she's staring up at the ceiling wondering if it ought to be repainted, then you need to refine your technique!

He's been gone over a week and I'm looking at adoptable dogs. You think he might mind opening the door to discover a pair of labs around the place?

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 1:17:02 PM

MasterFireMaam

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Start simple and work up is a rule that works well in many places. Start with she can't have release except every other time. Then every third time working up to every X time and finally not until you decide.

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 1:38:48 PM

DesFIP

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MFM, but that doesn't work if he is deployed for a year. I doubt she'd be willing to wait for his two weeks leave a year. Or if you're 2000 miles apart, she isn't going to wait six months per orgasm.

I will say that the first time he did this to me I stopped sleeping after three days. I was weepy and couldn't use a sharp knife. The amount of time per person varies with each person which is why you have to know how she's handling it. Back to communication.

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 3:43:38 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
But if you ask what she's thinking about and she's staring up at the ceiling wondering if it ought to be repainted, then you need to refine your technique!

Yeah, that's what I keep thinking too. Then again, there may be something to the thought that nobody is asking or answering any verbal questions during the more up-tempo parts of our lovemaking.

quote:

He's been gone over a week and I'm looking at adoptable dogs. You think he might mind opening the door to discover a pair of labs around the place?

Oh puleaze... haven't you ever heard "it's easier to get forgiveness than permission?" *ducks for cover*

I'll deny ever having said that.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/13/2008 4:21:57 PM

tazzygirl

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orgasm denial... not much better than that! keep me on the edge for hours!

when? wow, thats a loaded question. for me, its when i start hurling insults like.. dammit, you Fucker (yea, capped for respect!) let me cum!!.. if im ripping the sheets, or your flesh, if im panting like i just ran 6 marathons, my skin is drenched and my voice is hoarse from begging... give me another hour... then let er rip!

edited for typos... wow.. got all excited there just thinking about it

< Message edited by tazzygirl -- 10/13/2008 4:23:08 PM >

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/14/2008 5:23:59 AM

stephen1974

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My idea is suggesting doing something ("bad") can lead to more....

Talk and define some "starting" actions of sub which can lead do things the dom will do...

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/14/2008 12:14:39 PM

littleone35

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In our case i happen to be a VERY vocal preson. Master uses my responses to guide him. Of course after almost 3 years he know my responses very well and what they mean. Maybe if you girl is vocal you can let her responses guide you. Of course if you misread a response it coild mean a problem. I say talk to her.

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/14/2008 12:59:51 PM

gypsygrl

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quote:

I've long since learned to be careful asking the question, "So what are you thinking?" ESPECIALLY during sex.

*nods*

This is why I'm kinky and don't do regular sex. It just doesn't hold my attention. I remember one time, it was hot, it was heavy, and I was thinking about the Immigration Restriction Act of 1924. Seriously.

But, this is a little off topic. How long is too long for denial? A couple days tops, for me, but I'm guessing everyone's different. I get cranky, then I give up and shut down and its like 'bye bye libido' and is hell to get going again.

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RE: How do you declare"When" - 10/14/2008 10:17:26 PM

apettiger

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being vocal and speaking the same language as Y/your partner is always a good idea when feeling ( pun intended) each other out.

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