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Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 4:26:30 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I just hate being such a sentimental girl!  I would like to be calm, logical, and matter of fact in the face of any and ever bump (good and bad) in life.  The fact is I just am not.  Those that love and care about me find it endearing how passionately and deeply things affect me. 

Oh it's fine and dandy when it is a glorious height of excitement, anticipation, or joy.  That is a part of the experience of being who I am that I would never part with.  It is fabulous to feel everything in every possible sense and in some that, at least it seems, most do not.  I cherish those moments and revel in the pure exuberence of it all.  I let it wash over me, fill me.  I hold on to the last sweet drops as long as I can stand.

Then they are gone.  Then begins a process that nightmares are made of.  The darkness slips in.  First it is just the corners of my mind as I have a passing moment of wistful rememberance or just a momentary yearning.  Then the waves begin to crash.  I am tossed about aimlessly in the hurt and the lonely moments.  I just feel adrift and detached.  As the pain deepens, I can feel it just as completely as the joys that then seem so long ago, like another life.  If things go on unchecked, every part of me just cries out for relief, rescue from the crush before I drown in it and can never come back up.

This post has spawned from the shockingly intense response I experienced when it happened that my friend and I could not meet for our long awaited session this past weekend.  I had been falling for awhile, but this has brought me to a point I don't even know how to handle or describe.  It is no fault of my friend.  This could not be prevented and I have not been so open about how out of sorts I have been as of late.  A lot of things are feeding this at the moment, but the end result is all the same.

Do you get a terrible soul ache when it has been too long or the distance too far?  I am fully aware that I sound very diagnosable, despite having been down that path to my further detriment.  I have learned to ride the highs and lows carefully.  I am just having trouble managing this one because of the intensity of connection and bond that has come to be.  If you have been to this place, could you please tell me how you dealt with it?  I know I need to communicate this fully and clearly and I will do so tonight along with some other things.  The rest is a little less clear.  I look forward to your responses.

lovingpet

edited for grammar

< Message edited by lovingpet -- 10/13/2008 4:31:27 PM >
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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 4:37:44 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		You don't sound diagnosable at all.  You sound perfectly normal.  BDSM is bittersweet.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Do you get a terrible soul ache when it has been too long or the distance too far?  I am fully aware that I sound very diagnosable

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 4:40:11 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

You don't sound diagnosable at all.  You sound perfectly normal.  BDSM is bittersweet.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

Do you get a terrible soul ache when it has been too long or the distance too far?  I am fully aware that I sound very diagnosable



Thank you very much for your kind response.  I am like this with everything.  I can assure you though, this situation is like nothing I have dealt with before.

lovingpet

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 4:50:33 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		While I'm not the emotional, sentimental type of girl I do get that terrible "soul ache" when I am away from him. I miss him dearly and some days it just hurts to be away but I deal with it by keeping busy with my job, family, friends, hobbies, etc...and keeping in contact with him.

You just have to live your life and get through it.

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 4:54:33 PM   
Sandyshores29718


Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline 		I think a lot get like that and I'm willing to bet even some Doms.   Personally, I miss Sir with every breath he is away. I've took to sleeping with a teddybear he gave me and we put his cologne on the bear, so when I cuddle with it at night I fall to sleep by his scent. Maybe you could try this?  I know it helps me a great deal with I'm aching to be in Sirs' arms.

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 4:56:27 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I've experienced disappointment in cases like you described, but nothing that I would call a soul ache.  Then again, I've never felt that bonded to someone who I wasn't able to see often. 

It sounds like you might be experiencing the lows that come with long-distance.  It doesn't sound like it has anything to do with bdsm specifically, in your case.  But maybe this is part of what you are going to deal with when you are attached emotionally to someone that you can't see often.  Either it will be worth it to deal with these feelings or eventually it will become too much for you and you might seek a person who you can see more. 

I personally don't believe that relationships are supposed to be painful, bdsm or otherwise.  It should feel good all the time.  Of course there will be bumps and disappointments along the way in any relationship, but telling yourself it's supposed to have this painful edge to it because it's bdsm, is just a way of setting your expectations low, and never hoping for anything better. 

This might seem like a harsh suggestion, but if you are slipping into this darkness often because you can't see him often enough to keep joy in your soul, instead of an "ache,  you might want to open your mind to finding someone with whom, you won't feel this "nightmare" that you describe.

From a practical point of view:  A bond can only take you so far.  If it's making you feel like this badly, is it really healthy for you?



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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 5:06:32 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		For me it is more my overall emotional make up.  I know and accept this about myself and try to manage my own issues in such a way as to not minimize the impact to other areas of my life and especially keeping it from affecting those I care about.  It is not so much that our distance is so insurrmountable, but there have been a series of difficulties that would have been similarly disruptive with a local partner.  I agree sometimes there is too great a cost, but I don't believe that is the case here.  I don't think there has to be an extra painful edge to a bdsm relationship, but I have found a deeper bond than anything I have experienced before and it is difficult to know how to handle it sometimes.  All relationships (be it romantic, family, or friends) carry the same high emotional charge.  It is the level of attachment.  That is how I see it anyway.

I do my best to get through the day.  Still, in the lulls I can be quite caught up in the full force and it actually seems to crash harder when the time and space does come. 

The idea with the teddy bear is very cute and I think we will try it, if it is agreeable.  Of course, we will have to see how soon I can get the smelly little critter here!

Thanks to all!

lovingpet

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 5:14:38 PM   
Sandyshores29718


Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline 		*smiles*  Yes, I love my teddy!  I let Sir know when its time to "soak" Baloo(the bear) again when he starts losing his scent. Its really REALLY nice waking up and spending the whole day smelling like Sir. I take baths at night, so some of the scent rubs off the bear on me.  Hope it will work for you. 

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 5:16:09 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Only you can really say whether you are "diagnosable" or not. In general, how about this rule of thumb... "If something is preventing you from functioning as a mature adult then you need to seek some sort of assistance".

Insofar as being away from that which we hold dear, I can't and never have been able to sleep when I'm away from my wife. Maybe 2-3 hours a night tops. It gets bad after a few days. I ache for her almost the moment I am away from her. I never thought of it as a bad thing. And one other thought... anyone can choose to live a life of middling grey colors. But if you want to see the highs, then you need to take the lows along with them. I prefer to experience my life in all of it's emotional vividness... pain, sadness, and heartbreak included. When I am sad, I WALLOW in it. As far as I'm concerned, it's just as valid a part of my life experience as anything else.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 5:26:46 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		Lovingpet...
 
How I can so relate! Thank you for posting and sharing.
 
Right now I believe part of mine is just the female hormones, but through no fault of anyone, Master has a very ill father and he got called away several weeks ago after being in town for about one hour. He was going to make time for us this week-end for a few hours and he himself has fallen ill. I feel lost and alone and adrift. I know dad and mom are the priority but this is going on week 5. The longest time apart has been 3 weeks. At this time, I have no idea when we might be together since his dad isn't being allowed to return home, his responsiblity to his parents and all that he is going through. Communication is sparse which I understand and I am trying to be supportive and not a pest and while this is a fairly new relationship about six months and I understand the priority that his parents take it is also a very challenging time for me.

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 5:32:56 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I read about this on another thread earlier today and my thoughts are with you both.  It is very difficult to balance your own life with that of someone who requires full time care.  It is also a fact that all the emotional turmoil seems to be less important in the face of the challenges of life sometimes, but in the end it is also a challenge in and of itself.  I have hesitated talking to him about it because there seemed to be so many more important things to which to attend for both of us.  It wasn't until this happened that I really realized how out of hand things have gotten for me.

I hope that your Master can soon settle things to the point that you can begin having more contact and time together.  There is a very lost feeling when that calming, steady presence is not there.  Again, my best wishes to you both.

lovingpet


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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 5:53:05 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Its hard to say from one post, no matter how eloquent - but i got a feeling of depression, as in a general depression from your post.   If you have a loss of pleasure in more than one area of  your life - maybe you are clinically depressed.

or maybe you are just down because you couldn't see your sweetie.                 The only person who knows for sure is you.

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 6:00:53 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		It's both and neither which is enough to drive me completely insane.

My apologies leadership for not responding earlier.  How you describe is how I am.  I wallow in the good and the bad until I am darn well good and ready to be done with it.  Sometimes I get the choice to move on and other times I get pulled along and I have had to just learn to flow with things.  It is that the flow is a little messed up at the moment.

lovingpet

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 6:57:12 PM   
VivaciousSub


Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

But if you want to see the highs, then you need to take the lows along with them. I prefer to experience my life in all of it's emotional vividness... pain, sadness, and heartbreak included. When I am sad, I WALLOW in it. As far as I'm concerned, it's just as valid a part of my life experience as anything else.


This reminds me of one of my favorite authors, a wise woman who wrote that her life was wonderful in all its dimensions because "she had laughed harder for having cried more".

Lovingpet, I think I understand what that feels like. My first Master and I started our relationship while I lived near him, and that lasted about a year. Then I moved to FL, 1500 miles away, and it was sadly rare that we were able to meet. There was one time when we had been looking forward to seeing each other and we had to reschedule for a few more weeks down the road and it just floored me with emotions and it felt like the entire weight of the ocean was landing on me. I kept myself busy with work, family and friends but still, I missed him so. I allowed myself to feel the full brunt of my emotions and by not fighting it, got through it much faster and bounced back rather than hobbled.


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To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 7:03:58 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am not quite sure why it has hit me so hard to have to reschedule (except that it is a situation of "yet again").  I am trying to just do what needs to be done to get on from this point and I am riding this wave out as I have the others.  It is just so big and I guess it is intimidating to me the feelings that have arisen.

lovingpet

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 8:02:03 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I understand Soul Ache well.  
I fought it for so many years often now I feel numb. 
I think what I do is like the difference between explosion and implosion. 
Obviously I implode rather then explode like I used to. 
In a way I wish I was able to let some of that explosion, shrapnel and all land where it may. 
But I guess I've learned to be too much of a control freak at least with myself to do that now. 

You need Hugs, hopefully ones from a font help!
HUGS!!!



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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 8:08:23 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Hugs in whatever form always help!  Thankies!

lovingpet

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 8:32:17 PM   
suhlut


Posts: 622
Joined: 7/20/2007
Status: offline 		Nobody has mentioned it here yet..so i will. The Huge highs and very low lows.. makes me think bi polar? Thats just the general 'vibe" i get from reading, and if i am wrong.. i am sorry for mentioning it.

If on the otherhand.. it is..or could be bi polar.. then i reccomend that you go find a doctor, or therepist... to talk to.

Soul Ache though.. just reading the title..and my heart and soul was drawn.. for i have often felt the ache of my hurting soul.

it happens.. rather often, in my life.. in losing the Man i want and care so much about, in how this sometimes feels like a never ending search.. in so many different ways.. my soul aches.

But.. for me.. the one biggest soul ache i experience.. is that after death.

when my beloved dog died..

but.. most terrible of all.. is the way my soul felt, upon the death of my mother 2 years ago. No further chances.. to say im sorry.. to say i forgive you..to say i love you.

A lesson is learned in that.. and for me that is, no matter what.. i make sure that those whom i do  love.. know it.





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That girl is pretty kinky
The girl's a super freak

SUPERFREAK ~by Rick James

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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 8:48:04 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		First, my deepest sympathies in all your losses and struggles.  I have had mine to journey through as well and find some things never change.  I have spent a lot of time healing a crushed soul for many of the reasons you mentioned.

As for bipolar, there was a time when both my doctor and I believed this was so and began medication.  That was a mistake.  We have determined, after trying about every med out there, that if I am I will have to learn to cope in other ways.  I have spent much time and therapy in learning to ride things out.  I know stress and major life shifts make matters worse for obvious reasons.  Like I said, I know it sounds diagnosable, but I really feel it is more my own personality than anything chemical.

lovingpet


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RE: Soul Ache - 10/13/2008 8:59:57 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Get a diagnosis. If the highs are very high, and the lows very low, with little time spent just being calm and content, you might be bipolar. Only a qualified professional can make the diagnosis. Seek help. If it is bipolar, medication can REALLY HELP even out your moods.

To reiterate:

If you are almost always either VERY happy or VERY sad, with little in between, you may be bipolar. Medication can help drastically. Don't wait- seek help.

Oops, I just read your post above. But there are new medications all the time. If its been a while, you might ask if there's anything new you could try. Something as simple as a prescription sleep-aid could make a big difference in your daily outlook, for example.

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 10/13/2008 9:06:53 PM >

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