Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (Full Version)

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exile509 -> Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/14/2008 11:38:45 PM)

Being pleasure-centric I’m not into making my sub/slaves unhappy, actually, quite the opposite, I the kind of guy who wants everyone happy and enjoying everything we do. So while most of what I plan and do revolve around this concept, it usually ends up with me asking my property what they would like and what they would prefer (instead of "just telling them" all the time.)

The thing I need to know is that can being too nice ruin things between a Master and slave? Do you feel less like you're serving when your owner always asks for your input and lets you make decisions on what the two of you will be doing? Do you prefer options or orders?







detoxxx -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/14/2008 11:57:58 PM)

theres nothing wrong with being nice in my opinion.....I suppose it just depends if they then start taking that niceness for weakness and then try and take the p**s....as long as theres lines that are not crossed, and you deal with them when they are crossed[:)]



hopelesslyInvo -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 12:03:39 AM)

it may not be what many are looking for anyway, seeing how the general idea is based around power exchange, giving up control, serving the other basically despite multitudes of what that implies and how.  although being nice is one thing, and many like and in fact prefer the nurturing types, when the dom is asking the sub what they want to do and usually giving them the control, it seems like it loses 99% of the dynamic people are generally looking for is lost right there, or [no offense] that the relationship seems more like a sub couple, or like having a submissive top. 

personally, if i was with a domme, and every time we did anything aside from rare occasions she asked 'so what do you want to do?' i'd feel pretty estranged and think they were quite a stretch of the word dominant in much the same way they'd look at me strange if i were calling myself submissive and usually trying to tell her what to do.  i don't think 'niceness' factors into it, if i was with a mistress and she was mean as hell but always said things like 'so sub'o'mine, what can i do for you tonight you silly bitch' i'd still wonder where the description of 'dominant' came from.

very few people are looking for subs who wouldn't be able to answer 'what would you like to do' or were too much of a mindless doormat to have their own opinions, but when the sub is 'usually in charge' and the dominant is 'usually doing what the sub wants' it seems like it's a pretty safe bet that the individuals are not getting what they want out of the relationship, or are not in the appropriate 'position'.  maybe a switch would be more up your alley than a sub/slave?

balance goes a long way though, options and orders, and special occasions; know what makes someone feel rewarded.  you'll never get to know someone if you don't ask questions anyway, find out what they prefer, and decide what to do with such knowledge.

but in the end, bdsm is like reese's peanut butter cups; there's no wrong way~



colouredin -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 3:19:17 AM)

I think that a Dom can be too nice within the jcontext of what I need, if the Dominant is constantly asking how  i am, doing things to make me happy, and asking me to make descisions I feel about as submissive as hitler. Its not how I work, often some people get confused that what makes me happy isnt trying to make me happy im happier doing things to make other people happy, people really struggle with that concept it seems wrong to them. For me someone being overly nice to me just makes me feel gross.



littlewonder -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 3:43:14 AM)

If you're always doing what you do to make the slave happy and never for mutual pleasure or for yourself, after awhile the slave is going to wonder who's really in control. You've now changed the power dynamic.

If she wanted it to be all about her and wanted someone always pleasing her instead then she would be a Domme.




lusciouslips19 -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 3:47:01 AM)

I think if all you do is please the other person, you are more of a service top.



NuevaVida -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 4:12:16 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

The thing I need to know is that can being too nice ruin things between a Master and slave?

Only if that particular slave thrives on "less nice", otherwise, no, it doesn't have to ruin things.

quote:

Do you feel less like you're serving when your owner always asks for your input and lets you make decisions on what the two of you will be doing?

If what he wants of me is my opinion and decision on something, then I am serving him by giving him that. If I insist that he make all decisions - even the ones he wants me to make, then I'm enforcing my own will and trying to be the authoritarian over him.

quote:

Do you prefer options or orders?


My personal views are going to be different from the next person's, but here goes. Too many options drive me crazy. This might be due to my background and conditioning. It might just be a personality trait of mine. When I have given authority over me to someone else, I have done so because I want that person to be happy, and to make decisions which make him happy.

Here's an example:

I'm kinda-sorta seeing someone right now, who is very different than my former Master, who recently ran my life for four years. I am used to being ordered, and following his commands. I am used to being treated in a way that many would view as "less than." It has been very awkward for me to adjust to being treated the way the new dominant treats me. For example, he wants me snuggled up beside him in bed, where I was accustomed to sleeping on the floor or at the foot of the bed. He wants me sitting across the table when dining with him, rather than eating leftover scraps off his plate, on the floor. On several occasions he asked me what I'd like to do for dinner, or what I'd like to go out and do in general. Without even realizing it, my automatic response was something like, "Oh...well, I don't know...what do YOU want to do??"

He knows much of my history with the former master, and the last time we were together, we talked about the awkwardness I feel with this new way of being treated. He actually asked me, "Am I being too nice to you?" This was such a weird question for me, because I am discovering (and previous words of mine will be eaten here), that I really LIKE this kind tenderness...that he has (some, but not all, currently) authority over me which does not go away just because he prefers to look at my face rather than the top of my head when I am having dinner with him.

He is currently planning his next trip here (he is not local to me) and we had a recent conversation in which he was asking me which airport would be best to fly into. I had such a hard time giving him a straight answer - to fly to Sacramento so I wouldn't have to drive 2 hours to meet him in San Francisco. Finally, he said, "What I want from you is to know which airport would be easiest for you." OK, put into that context was helpful!

Bottom line, for me, is niceness does not negate authority. As long as I know that we're doing something - even if it's something I get to choose to do - because that's the way he wants it, then I can begin to relax. And as long as we both continue to respect who we are to each other, I don't think "niceness" is going to interfere.



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 4:24:47 AM)

Daddy is like this.

at first when we met, i was confused since i wasn't use to this type of dominant behavior. my formers were into making sure their needs were met by commanding me to do what they wanted. Daddy was (and still is) the direct opposite. He asks me what do i want Him to do. i can honestly say He finds pleasure and happiness making sure my needs are met. it doesn't make Him less dominant however that's His style ....and more importantly i love it. i perfer having options of doing A, B or C instead of  being told to do A, B and C.



slaveluci -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 5:45:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
Bottom line, for me, is niceness does not negate authority. As long as I know that we're doing something - even if it's something I get to choose to do - because that's the way he wants it, then I can begin to relax. And as long as we both continue to respect who we are to each other, I don't think "niceness" is going to interfere.

Amen to that, sister[;)].  As usual, I totally agree with everything you've written.  This is exactly how it works for us.  Master is a very easy-going, laid-back, non-protocol following guy.  In the opinion of many, He'd probably be considered not very "domly" for how He interacts with me most of the time.  No leather pants, no literal cracking of the whip every time a command is issued, no being made to feel "less than" as you mentioned and no lots of other things.  He is soft-spoken, respectful, desirous of my opinions on everything, considerate of my preferences no matter the issue and so on and so forth. 

Does this mean He's "too nice?"  Neither of us think so.  I continue to love reading your posts and feel so happy for you as you write of how things are going with this new "nice" guy.  It reminds me so very much of how things have always been with Master.  I had never been treated so tenderly and cherished so much until I became His.  Reading what you write of how it's been hard for you to accept such treatment brings a smile to my face.  I've been there.  I know.  It gets easier and easier to take[:)].  Here's wishing you both the very best[image]http://www.collarchat.com/upfiles/smiley/flowers.gif[/image]................luci



JustDarkness -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 5:47:17 AM)

mmm one of my subs called me to nice once.... I saw it more as understanding...
interesting topic



colouredin -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 5:50:30 AM)

Despite the relationship defence, anyone can be too anything, you can be too nice, too nasty, too sympathetic, too dramatic depending on what the other person does or doesnt want.



missturbation -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 6:18:42 AM)

quote:

The thing I need to know is that can being too nice ruin things between a Master and slave?

For me yes.
 
quote:

Do you feel less like you're serving when your owner always asks for your input and lets you make decisions on what the two of you will be doing?

Yes.
 
quote:

Do you prefer options or orders?

Orders.
 
quote:

I think that a Dom can be too nice within the jcontext of what I need, if the Dominant is constantly asking how  i am, doing things to make me happy, and asking me to make descisions I feel about as submissive as hitler. Its not how I work, often some people get confused that what makes me happy isnt trying to make me happy im happier doing things to make other people happy, people really struggle with that concept it seems wrong to them. For me someone being overly nice to me just makes me feel gross.


I ditto this.
 
quote:

He asks me what do i want Him to do. i can honestly say He finds pleasure and happiness making sure my needs are met. it doesn't make Him less dominant however that's His style ....and more importantly i love it. i perfer having options of doing A, B or C instead of  being told to do A, B and C.

Thats great if it works for you. Just makes me think though who is the D here and who is the s? Topping from the bottom even by agreement is topping from the bottom.





JustDarkness -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 6:30:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Despite the relationship defence, anyone can be too anything, you can be too nice, too nasty, too sympathetic, too dramatic depending on what the other person does or doesnt want.


yes..that is very true..
no one is perfect..but mostly we accept things in a relation



marieToo -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 6:41:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

The thing I need to know is that can being too nice ruin things between a Master and slave?



I used to absolutely feel this way, to such an extent that I partnered myself exclusively with men who expressed that they don't "love" their subs/slaves, but do expect devotion and love in return.  To me, this was just the perfect thing, because in my head it was only real ds if one was giving all, and the other was taking all.

In reviewing my own patterns over the years, I've come to see that none of my ds relationships lasted more than about a year (maximum), and the base reason that they crumbled is that I actually couldn't function well in a relationship in which I was expected to be completely selfless and devoted to a man who was never going to care about me in return, or even be nice to me.

I think some people enjoy this dynamic, and more power to them, but I've come to realize that nice guys can absolutely be dominant (extremely so even) without having to be complete uncaring pricks about it.  I'm at a place now where I know I deserve and am worthy of a man who is capable and willing of being nice, caring, and even loving.   And I don't think it has to take away from the ds dynamic, on the contrary, I think it can enhance it.



leadership527 -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 6:49:06 AM)

Well, it's highly debatable what exactly my wife and I are. I self-identify as Master/slave however so we'll go with that.

My wife and I practice an almost pure authority transfer dynamic - some would call it boring. By that, what I mean is that neither of us has any elaborate fantasy layers which get laid on top of the core dynamic. There is no hierarchy... no master/slavey stuff... She doesn't need me to be domly in any particular way. She doesn't even care if I assert control or not. All she cares about really is not having to make all the decisions and being pleasing to me. Accordingly, I could only be too nice to her if I was doing it at my expense.



natasha66 -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 7:07:48 AM)

Being nice in my opinion does not make anyone less "Masterly".  My Master respects me as a person first, but that in no way negates His authority.   Yes, it took me a while to get used to the fact that He actually wanted me to be happy in serving Him (my former Master had it in his head that it was all about him 24/7 - there was no give-and-take EVER).  Serving Master is not a chore, it is a pleasure because I know he DOES respect me.  But He does know perfectly well when to stop being "too nice" <big grin>.



porcelain26 -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 7:13:58 AM)

I think it all depends on the relationship. I don't personally like it when my input is too heavily relied upon simply because it makes me feel like I'm the one in control. However, I also can't stand it when my thoughts/feelings/opinions/needs are completely bypassed, either. It's all about balance for me.



NuevaVida -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 7:48:01 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci
Here's wishing you both the very best[image]http://www.collarchat.com/upfiles/smiley/flowers.gif[/image]................luci


Wow, luci, way to make me cry first thing in the morning! Thank you for what you wrote; it really touched me. Whether things work out with the new guy or not (and it really could go either way, and that's ok right now), I have learned a valuable lesson here, and I am grateful for learning it. I am getting a taste of what it's like to be treated kindly, in a way I have never been treated before by a man. And I am learning that living according to some self placed labels and definitions gets in the way of the joy that a relationship can experience.

To the OP, I can only emphasize to just be and do what comes naturally to you, rather than to put yourself into some box to "try to make it work." More or less domly? Who cares?? More you?? Perfect! The more authentic you can be to yourself, the more fulfilled you will be in a relationship that is suited for you. I wish you the best!



littleone35 -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 8:14:27 AM)

Just because Master loved me and i nice to mean his is less my Master.  Case in point last week was my birthday and Master was taking me to dinner after he picked up my present at the mall.  He asked if i wanted to eat at this place since it was close.  If i did not want to eat there we would have went somewhere i wanted to go (maybe because it was my b day).  Master usually decides where we go and if it is someplace i really don't want to go i am allowed to voice my reservations, and Master will listen but the ulitmate decision up to him.

Matt's littleone



KatyLied -> RE: Can a Master/Dom be too nice? (10/15/2008 9:04:16 AM)

~fr~
A dom/master can't be too nice.  As long as there are times I get to see a little mean, it's all good.



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