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RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/17/2008 5:49:14 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm going to compliment you on your excellent timing with this post.

The thing about it is, it doesn't necessarily mean the person on the other side of the kneel is a "bad" partner. It just means they weren't right for you. Sure, there are circumstances that might get in the way. It could be distance, financial, or a score of other things. It doesn't make either party a bad person. Just not a good fit for each other.



"There is nothing good or bad, only thinking makes it so.."
(William Shakespeare)

I'm in complete agreement with Lady Pact here. In fact it gets my goat when people make quality judgments on other people in BDSM just as much as it gets my goat to make quality judgments in theatre.

There are no good and bad people, there are just - in my opinion - good people who sometimes get it wrong or do bad things.

Yes there are no bad people. I work with the homeless, among them hardened crack addicts, ex-offenders, prostitutes, alcoholics and those who some would consider to be the dregs of society. But you know each and every one of these people have come from a mother, they have all been someone, in fact they all are someone, even in their times of weakness - which we all have - and to such things as support, friendship, kindness, warmth and love all these people respond - all of them. This is what I do with them on my theatre workshops, I give them a chance to achieve something and encourage them to be kind to each other, supportive of one another, to make friends with each other, to inspire each other and to work together. It is learning how to do this which brings them back into society. I've yet to meet someone who this approach hasn't helped.

Coming back to the BDSM community to me it's the exact same thing - there are no good and bad dominants and there are no good and bad submissives - there are just people, weak and strong, and each and every one of them out there are looking for the very same things - acceptance, warmth, friendship, kindness, emotional support, and love.

When you start thinking of someone in terms of good and bad to me you're starting to head down that slippery slope towards 'true', 'real', 'fake', 'wannabe', 'healthy', 'sick' and so on.

But it's like Lady Pact said, it's whether someone is right for you or not, it's whether you can accept one another, whether you get on with each other, whether there's any understanding or chemistry, whether you both need and want the same things and of course the logistics and the circumstances.

I can close my eyes and go back to 1984 and my first Mistress, one of Lindi St Clair's friends (not Miss Whiplash herself but her friend) or 1999 and the Warsaw leather community and if I ever had to retrace my steps and go through those years all over again I would do so and I would do so with the same Mistresses and the same people. I don't see them as 'bad' dommes, but as wonderful women who guided me and taught me about D/s, BDSM and how to be a quality submissiive.

It's important to remember you cannot take an insurance policy out on a personal relationship, there are no guarantees, there's just you, someone else, and what you can both make of the relationship between you based on your needs, desires, feelings, character, experience and circumstances in life. Does it really have to be seen as failure every time a relationship falls apart or ends? Why not focus on the positive, and just be grateful that the other person tried and celebrate that there was a relationship between you?

Isn't this is what happy memories is all about?


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(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/17/2008 10:35:40 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		drawing lines causes order and direction  crossing them causes chaos and drama  setting standards for your self there is nothing wrong in that  most people who are very good at things do  just how the world works

(in reply to stella41b)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/17/2008 11:50:49 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Yeah, it sounds obvious when you say it, but it's very important to break things off as soon as you're convinced that you're with the wrong dom.  Sometimes people cling, but that only turns a minor mistake into a much bigger one.  And subs need to understand that when a dom says the relationship isn't working, and gives good reasons, that it's time to cut your losses, be an adult, and move on.  Really, what's the alternative?  "This relationship isn't working, and you know it too, but I'm going to keep you around anyway?"

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/18/2008 9:45:21 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		yep that never works it just causes more problems.  Every relatiionship takes work but when people lie and are abusive or the chemistry is not there are they play people whats the point.  some people are addicted to drama they love depression or addicted to it they think it is normal  shrugs

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/18/2008 1:39:38 PM   
greyjay


Posts: 72
Joined: 2/7/2008
From: South Korea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

**been there - done that - it still took 13 years to get out. Why? Because some abuse sneaks up on You very slowly - day by day drips - until you realize one day -  you are one of those  "battered and abused women"...**



I can only imagine what that was like. i have seen women who are in the same situation fight to stay in it, even though it was destroying them.  I'm glad you were able to eventually escape.

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So this guy walks into a bar, and says, "Ouch!"

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/18/2008 1:42:56 PM   
greyjay


Posts: 72
Joined: 2/7/2008
From: South Korea
Status: offline 		I've also seen plenty of situations in the vanilla world where a girl will stay with a guy until a better guy comes along.  I would imagine the same thing crosses over to this world.

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So this guy walks into a bar, and says, "Ouch!"

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/18/2008 1:46:06 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		that is true i have seen that happen

(in reply to greyjay)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/19/2008 1:06:18 AM   
cravesdom


Posts: 5219
Joined: 3/28/2008
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I have met Doms who were not right for me. I have met Doms who were wonderful, but just didn't work out because of unforeseen circumstances. I have met at least one Dom who I consider to be a truly bad person. And while I have to agree that most people are not bad people, I think there are exceptions to even that. There are people out there who intentionally go into a situation lying and knowing that they are going to hurt the other person involved.

I lived with one Dom who portrayed himself to be one type of person until after I moved in. Then things changed drastically. When I finally decided I had had enough and tried to leave, he slashed the tires on my van. I decided to bide my time and not too long later I had another chance to leave. This time he had done something very stupid that affected my family and not just me. I told him that I was leaving and that even if he did something to my van, I was still going to leave and why. He didn't argue with me or try to make me stay. But every time I came back to get the rest of my things he would make sure I couldn't. I lost most of my possessions because of that relationship, but it was a definite learning experience.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/19/2008 1:49:00 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		If  you break it off with the wrong Dom(me)...you still have the good One...not?
(some in between humour :P )

(in reply to cravesdom)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/19/2008 9:44:52 AM   
badlilthang


Posts: 357
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: greyjay

quote:

ORIGINAL: badlilthang

**been there - done that - it still took 13 years to get out. Why? Because some abuse sneaks up on You very slowly - day by day drips - until you realize one day -  you are one of those  "battered and abused women"...**



I can only imagine what that was like. i have seen women who are in the same situation fight to stay in it, even though it was destroying them.  I'm glad you were able to eventually escape.

***thanks for the kind words - and i did not just "escape" - luckily i was able to walk away - and start a new good life. Most of our close friends had no idea what went on between closed doors - one reason was i felt it was personal, and nothing i was too proud of - but my 2 very best friends knew and has been with me all the way...also kept some of the friends from his side of the relationship - and that meant the world to me. He is the lonely one - and i feel sorry for him - even though he has indeed made his own path - thinking he was greater than great. His wake up moment will be harsh.***


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.Forgiveness is the fragrance a flower leaves in the air after being crushed underfoot.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/19/2008 9:56:38 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		that is a good question do people change after you move in with them or after you marry them that would be good question 
I think has to do with the chase  like anything else

(in reply to badlilthang)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/20/2008 12:59:24 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		the thing is  in a relationship one needs to invest time inorder to get to know the person ..the casual chat is not usually enough to learn if that person is the right one for you....so there is always the risk that the relationship is not going to end up as a positive one..it is a gamble ..one can lesson the odds  a fair bit by asking lots of questions ahead of time but it can take years before you fully know a person  so there is always a chance of become emotionally hurt and yes ending can be difficult most of the time 

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/20/2008 4:44:04 PM   
VivaciousSub


Posts: 446
Joined: 9/7/2008
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

that is a good question do people change after you move in with them or after you marry them that would be good question 
I think has to do with the chase  like anything else


I'll vote "yes" to that question. I had a Dom that was one way before we started up a relationship - kind, caring, sweet then as soon as we were together turned into a condescending, pompous asshole. I left the day he slapped me in the face during an ear infection - on the side with the infection, no less - and ruptured my eardrum, over my supposed disrespect regarding dangerous behavior of his in a car. When I confronted him about it, he first insisted that he owed me no explanation. Then, he decided an explanation certainly was in order, and blamed it on me. It was the last straw in a pattern of behavior that had been worsening rapidly on his part in the days before the incident.

I was seriously put off D/s for a bit, and I was a lot more hesitant and careful going in with Sir. One of the major things I've noticed is Sir has never acted in a way contradicting what I knew when I first met him - that he was a caring, kind man without a black hole of an ego. I trust him more every day. This doesn't mean I'm flying blind now and wouldn't take note if something came up that bothered me, but since our first major rule is "lines of communication will always be kept open", I'm not all that concerned if a misunderstanding were to come up.


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To yield readily--easily--to the persuasion of a friend is no merit.... To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either. ~ Pride and Prejudice

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/21/2008 4:46:03 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		breaking it off is quite easy - be up front (or brutally honest if need be) about the relationship and simply walk away. it saves on on having unnecessary drama when things fall apart.

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(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Breaking it Off with the Wrong Dom/ Domme - 10/21/2008 5:54:04 AM   
lydwina


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline 		This thread has made me think about how easily we can fall into deceitful behavior. I broke of my relationship with my first Dom because I began to not like myself because neither one of us was being completely honest with out vanilla partners. The bad part was that I told yet another fib and told him that it was because my husband found out and it wasn't going well at home because of my relationship with him (the Dom).Other than being married the Dom is a perfectly fine person but I have severed all communication with him for the sake of my husband (the truth this time).My husband is no longer vanilla and is now my Dom. After being together for thirty years, if this relationship doesn't work out it will be a whole other ball of wax.

(in reply to JustDarkness)
Profile   Post #: 35
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