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cloudboy -> RE: Fears (12/30/2005 2:06:07 PM)
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>Being taken in by yet another liar, when it's so difficult for me to trust in the first place.<
I've been thinking on this today and its a common theme I've seen here. I suppose to some extent, especially online, deception, role play, impersonation, leading on, being over promisary etc. are part of the "game" aspect of internet based exchanges. Who does not want to shed the skin they wear every day? Naturally, the problem with this path is that it cannot go very far. For the gamers, say married men for example, the best they can walk away with in the end are the possibilities (of some kind with another person.) This is very important, because no one wants to feel their life is at an end, or stuck, or forever on one track ---- so the mere discovery of possiblities to such a person fufills a need and relieves a burden.
Anyway, if you seek something substantive and and wide open, say eligible men who are not married, it seems simple protocols like telephoning, meeting, going somewhere etc. would screen out all pretenders. I think "liar" is a bit of a harsh term for "the married and seeking something else." These folks are just a bunch of needy gamers who are in essence quite harmless indeed. The lie about being married because they are afraid to admit to others and themselves they need something else, when such a need is classically categorized a "sin," "betrayal," or immoral impulse. So they lie. What other choices are there? Divorce? Risky disclosures that threaten the marriage, or surreptitios playing around?
After reasonable screening though, I wonder what exactly you would classify as "being taken in by yet another liar?" I suppose some people are dishonest and predisposed to manipulate --- and hence they would be serious liars. I think this is the minority of people, however. Most people, however, lie b/c they are afraid to be truthful. I think with this group, its helpful to strong, tolerant, understanding, and flexible. When one who would otherwise lie to you (out of fear) discloses the truth instead and feels safe there --- well that is one very promising step to forming a real connection to another person. It means others can be vulnerable with you.
Anyway, I think there are some very good pragmatic strategies to weed out or engage joyously (not taking things too seriously) with liars, and the employment of such strategies might lift your fears away.
As for me, my current fear is getting older and not having a child ----- and the emptiness I will begin to feel as I get even older. My next fear is having a child and not being able to effectively cope with the life changes that would entail.
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