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Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 9:49:55 AM

IvyMorgan

Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
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I recently created a new profile over on another kink site.

For the purposes of this, I had to decide a few characteristics, and, given that this was more of an experiment than anything else, I fudged a few of the numbers.

I'm "early twenties", which is fine, but the profile says 21.

I'm still female, and a brunette.

I've simplified life to be a "submissive" and no frills on that.

I've moved myself to "London" for that's where all the action happens, apparently.

I'm "in a relationship" (part of the test ebing to see how many offers I'd get whilst this was obviously known, up front)

I've not posted a photo (this is not deterring the determined dom, so, I'm not too fussed about that)

So, I am happily whiling away the illness filled hours, distracting myself replying to *every* memo (and they're coming in at a rate of 8 a minute, boy, aren't I a lucky girl), getting surprisingly little abuse back when the reply consists of "thank you for your interest, but I'm in a relationship", and listening to Dashboard Confessional.

And one thing that's struck me...

This is a typical conversation, which happens to be ongoing in another window as I type.

quote:

Dom: do you seek a dom hun?
Me: no, I don't, I'm in a relationship
Dom: does he dom you?

Okay, he's just left given that I'm not single and gagging for it, bless 'em.

But, what's getting me in the prevalence of sentence number 3. On finding I'm "in a relationship", all (to date) of my possible male dominant characters have assumed that I'm in a straight monogamous relationship. I'll have one dom, he will be male.

When alternate me responds that, "they are my dominants, yes" or some other sentence to indicate that there are, in fact, more of them than there are of me, the response is universally one of surprise.

I guess I'm wondering, why, in an "alternative lifestyle" site (and this is one of those also) there is an assumption of hetersexual monogamy? Granted my sample size is "self selecting males who identify as dominants" and therefore restricted, but still... why?

< Message edited by IvyMorgan -- 10/17/2008 9:50:44 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 9:54:05 AM

Rover

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Because alternative lifestyle or not, folks assume the "common".

John

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(in reply to IvyMorgan)

Post #: 2

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 9:54:38 AM

thetammyjo

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Because no matter how "alternative" we may all think we are, we are still mostly raised in societies where het and mono are assumed to be the only acceptable sexuality.

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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Post #: 3

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 10:24:32 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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yup, people expect the average, when i was in a poly relationship i was inundated with messages asking how it wors and telling me that i was mental etc, to be honest it didnt shock me though I have found that for a group of as you say 'alternative' people they arent so good at coping with people being differant

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Post #: 4

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 10:34:35 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
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From: another planet
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Assuming is something we all do. I tend to find that occasionally all it does is make an ass out of you and me but shit happens.

Most people assume i'm completely insane with the things i do and they are right.
Some people assume im just full of shit, they are wrong.

Assumptions, judgements etc. Just a fact of life. I ignore them.

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RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 10:38:23 AM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
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I get real abuse because I was looking for a submissive lover into BDSM while married.
I've just given up and am settling for friends instead.
It's just too difficult to explain that I don't 'play' that I want a lifetime commitment with a sexually submissive BDSM male but that I have a vanilla relationship.
Surely this isn't exactly an extreme situation. Is it?
I can't see why I have to break up a perfectly good vanilla marriage to enjoy BDSM.
Do you?

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 6

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 10:41:16 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
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I don't think it is strange at all. I am married vanilla and a submissive to someone else...it helps that my wife is poly too. Keep looking, we are out there. :)

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Post #: 7

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 10:55:28 AM

Coupleofwhats

Posts: 280
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline

People are always going to assume.

Before I modified my profile, people assumed that I would be all about Black supremacist play: for no other reason than I happen to be black. (For the record, I don't actually know ANY kinky black people who are into it. But there are sure a lot of non-blacks who are. Weird.)

Many people also assume that I'm a Playboy dominatrix -- all tease and bunny floggers -- until I kick their ass and leave them bloody. So... sometimes assumptions are good, as ripping them apart can be oh-so-satisfying.

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RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 10:58:03 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
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Does the profile give the option for you to list your sexuality? If not, then yes, I just put it down to people not reading properly. If no, then yes, I see how the question assuming you will be with a male, seems pretty generic. But as for whether you are dominated by your partner, that is pretty standard question really and don;t see it as an assumption that you're monogamous.

It's pretty common for 'us' monogamous types to be assumed that the Master shares and is open to poly and threesomes or more. It's just something you are sensitive to. I find that monogamy is pretty much a surprise to people when they first get to know us.

Yes judgements happen and I am going to say this one which is I think experiments pretty much suck when your putting other peoples time on the line.

the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 10/17/2008 11:03:58 AM >

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Post #: 9

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 10:58:51 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralist1

I get real abuse because I was looking for a submissive lover into BDSM while married.
I've just given up and am settling for friends instead.
It's just too difficult to explain that I don't 'play' that I want a lifetime commitment with a sexually submissive BDSM male but that I have a vanilla relationship.
Surely this isn't exactly an extreme situation. Is it?
I can't see why I have to break up a perfectly good vanilla marriage to enjoy BDSM.
Do you?

It does exsist, its just a case of finding other people on your wavelength, i personally shy away from many married people cos normally what it means isim married and was a bit of fun and am not going to tell my wife, so can i own you now? lol doesnt really work that way, however I know many people who are in nilla marriages and have D/s relationships outside of that with everyone involved being happy about it, thats the important element

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There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to lateralist1)

Post #: 10

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 11:14:31 AM

justgemmie

Posts: 246
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

greetings Ivy :)

I think a lot of it has to do with what we are taught. On the Gorean Boards, where I spend a lot of time, they talk sometimes about having to overcome "western thinking" -- things we are taught from birth on about how to live, what is right and wrong, the roles of men and women, etc.

It is a general thing taught by parents that men and women marry and have children. That is kind of a basic, and most folks have that thought in their minds unless they have had reason to think otherwise. So it shouldn't be surprising that many believe a woman has one partner and he's the dominant one in the relationship.

As to what the.dark said

quote:

It's pretty common for 'us' monogamous types to be assumed that the Master shares and is open to poly and threesomes or more.

well, I have to admit I oftentime get surprised by lifestyle couples being monogamous. It seems I've trained myself to believe that exact same thing.

Now I have something else I have to work on ..........

well wishes,
gemmie

< Message edited by justgemmie -- 10/17/2008 11:16:22 AM >

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(in reply to IvyMorgan)

Post #: 11

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 1:52:05 PM

IvyMorgan

Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Does the profile give the option for you to list your sexuality?

Only in a gay/straight/bi way.

quote:

But as for whether you are dominated by your partner, that is pretty standard question really and don;t see it as an assumption that you're monogamous.
Oh, the question of whether I am dominated (in my clearly stated in my profile) relationship, is understandable. It's more that the conversation will run

D: Are you collared?
Me: I'm in a relationship.
D: Does he dominate you?

Which leaves me wondering what it is I should be communicating that I'm not.

quote:

It's pretty common for 'us' monogamous types to be assumed that the Master shares and is open to poly and threesomes or more. It's just something you are sensitive to. I find that monogamy is pretty much a surprise to people when they first get to know us.

I never thought of it this way, so, thank you *smiles*.

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 12

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 1:55:37 PM

IvyMorgan

Posts: 729
Joined: 7/5/2007
From: Midlands, UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coupleofwhats

People are always going to assume.
...
Many people also assume that I'm a Playboy dominatrix -- all tease and bunny floggers -- until I kick their ass and leave them bloody. So... sometimes assumptions are good, as ripping them apart can be oh-so-satisfying.

A perk of being a switch... topping after you've been seen as a sub for so long :) Or on the other hand, taking on of *those* beatings after most people around you know you on the other side of the kneel. It's nice to disconcert sometimes.

(in reply to Coupleofwhats)

Post #: 13

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 1:57:27 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IvyMorgan

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Does the profile give the option for you to list your sexuality?
Only in a gay/straight/bi way.

quote:

But as for whether you are dominated by your partner, that is pretty standard question really and don;t see it as an assumption that you're monogamous.
Oh, the question of whether I am dominated (in my clearly stated in my profile) relationship, is understandable. It's more that the conversation will run

D: Are you collared?
Me: I'm in a relationship.
D: Does he dominate you?
He probably asks because you only offer up that you are 'in a relationship' leaving the answer of you being dommed unanswered. If you replied 'yes I am collared in a relationship' he wouldn't need to ask anything more, but your response skips right by his question.

Which leaves me wondering what it is I should be communicating that I'm not.

quote:

It's pretty common for 'us' monogamous types to be assumed that the Master shares and is open to poly and threesomes or more. It's just something you are sensitive to. I find that monogamy is pretty much a surprise to people when they first get to know us.
I never thought of it this way, so, thank you *smiles*.

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~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to IvyMorgan)

Post #: 14

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 2:48:17 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IvyMorgan
Oh, the question of whether I am dominated (in my clearly stated in my profile) relationship, is understandable. It's more that the conversation will run

D: Are you collared?
Me: I'm in a relationship.
D: Does he dominate you?

Which leaves me wondering what it is I should be communicating that I'm not.

So you are submissive, in a relationship but not dominated by the partner? You simply say that your relationship partner isn't necessarily your dominant. If you are poly, put that in and say it to people too. The question is just a simple one really - trying to ascertain the details of your relationship when all the info they have is that you are in one. Take everything else as a guide only. The usual question we get is(once you explain you are monogamous) is, so are you married? It's almost as if monogamy is only possible when that commited.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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Post #: 15

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 3:10:59 PM

tweedydaddy

Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

I assume nothing, for all I know, you could be a she werewolf with toothache, am I wrong? See? There you are, assumption. Bad thing.

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Post #: 16

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 3:33:53 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IvyMorgan
....I guess I'm wondering, why, in an "alternative lifestyle" site (and this is one of those also) there is an assumption of hetersexual monogamy? Granted my sample size is "self selecting males who identify as dominants" and therefore restricted, but still... why?

I can't fathom it either. The hetro D/s sub-faction that is the fem-sub and mono male-Dom community is a minority in the larger hetro world of BDSM where male-subs and poly fem-Dommes are more common. In fact, despite the ever growing popularity of hetro BDSM, I am pretty sure it is a minority in the pansexual world of BDSM where if monogamy is a majority, it isn’t by very much.

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I give good thread.

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Post #: 17

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 6:39:32 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

because, when you hear hoofbeats, you should look for horses.
What I have never quit understood, is the expression of utter surprise when, upon hearing hoofbeats behind you whilst standing in the zoo, you turn around to discover zebras.
I understood why you first expected horses. But, why the - 'Oh, MY! ZEBRAS! IN A ZOO! WOW!' ??

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Post #: 18

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 8:02:53 PM

Marion001

Posts: 54
Joined: 7/24/2008
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people think kind of like this mostly...

its ok to be different.
as long as you are different like me.

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Post #: 19

RE: Assumed Monogamy - 10/17/2008 8:27:29 PM

OneMoreWaste

Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
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Honestly, as a submissive, the concept of being submissive to more than one person is what would give me pause. What if they give you conflicting instructions?

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Post #: 20

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