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LadiesBladewing -> RE: comfort levels in a role (12/10/2005 9:14:12 AM)
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This is really, really long -- and I apologize in advance for any that it might not be useful for, but once I started writing, it all came out in a blur of words
I came to where I am through a long, circuitous path. None of it was easy, and being who I am, I have to sometimes remind myself that I am where I am for a reason, and that the part of me that recognizes one's responsibilities and strives for peace and lives through compassion -must- have a home where I am in this lifestyle -- because the Universe put me here, unequivocally.
I've spent most of my life in control. I am a Virgo, and the tendency to map, plan, shape, direct, and mold run deep in me. When I first entered service, I was still somewhat young -- barely over 20 --, and it was required by the spiritual path I'd chosen. I was thrown into it, as a novitiate acolyte, and there was no coming up for air, unless I decided to quit. I knew I couldn't quit, so I had to figure a way through it. I spent 10 years in various levels of this exploration, before I ever came to the lifestyle.
Many times, I felt resentment, anger, and frustration at being in the position that I was in. Every time, the thing that got me through was the reminder that I had commited to this, and had dedicated my life to it. I released my resentment to empower the goal, and found myself freed of the need to fight back and struggle against my bonds. When I stopped struggling, slowly, the bonds stopped "chafing", and they became.... hmmmm... perhaps jewelry would be a good word -- they became beautiful reminders of the dedication that I'd commited to.
When I moved into House Bladewing, I came there as a slave. It was different, in that I wasn't expected to yield to the ideal anymore, but to actual PEOPLE. Again, I felt that resentment rising -- the expectation that they should be giving me something tangible for everything that I was doing for them. Again, the bonds of my servitude chafed. I often got angry, in private, and felt mis-used... couldn't they see how valuable I was, and how much I wanted to serve? Didn't it matter that I wanted them to use me in so many ways that they were -ignoring-?
In the end, just like at the monastary, I had to let go of my preconceptions of what my slavery to this household -should have- been like. I had to go all the way back to taking each and every moment and cherishing it for what it -was-, rather than for my expectation of what it -should have- been. Over time, fulfillment came, not from getting everything that I wanted, but from learning about myself and finding out that even in this place, where the ideal was represented in physical form, that it was still something inherent in me that recognized the call to serve... and this was when I earned my elevation to alpha... when I understood that, even in leadership, there is service and responsibility.
When I could work from that place all the time, and the petty frustrations and disappointments in life didn't either make me feel guilty (I should have done more) or angry (How could they do this to me???), another change happened, and I was released from my indenture to the House and welcomed as an Owner. If you'd asked me if I was ready for this, I probably would have told you you were crazy to even think that anyone would give me the chance. After all, I'd learned that responsibility to one's service is an inherent part of my nature. I had never -not- seen myself in service to the spiritual community and household that I was a part of, and thought that that would always keep me in the title of "servant", even if it was "alpha servant".
One of the most difficult things for me, in the course of my becoming an owner, was the whole idea that, as a leader, service changes its form, like ice becomes water, and then becomes steam... Service, now, means taking full responsibility for other lives -- the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, and the heart-wrenching. It means being cautious with the gateway to the House, protecting all of those who are already in its shelter from my bad judgements -- at the same time, it also encompasses having the ability to direct those who rest their lives in my hands to the things that will fulfill them -- things that they cannot even see, or are not even aware could exist. I have to have enough experience to have vision beyond where they are able to see, in order to direct our communal course.
Are we ever ready for profound change? No..probably not. All of us, I think, struggle with whether we are where we need to be, and what to do to get there. Seek your bliss. If you know what you are looking for, the right hands will come to help you to get there.
Lady Zephyr
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ORIGINAL: fyreredsub
i went basically from a top to a slave in one jump. i never had actually submitted before. i find as a slave i am awfully bratty and continually screw it up b/c of the turmoil w/in myself, so i am going back to trying subbing,lol, yeah i know, i should have done that first.
anyway i guess my question is ---has this kind of reaction to something ever occurred with in yourself duing your struggle to find your place and what you were comfortable with?
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