Vanilla SO and the lifestyle

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slaveneedledick -> Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/10/2005 2:25:17 PM)
Hello A/all, I am married to a vanilla wife who does not play or wants to play at this time. I also am a father to a great son and I do love my wife. My question is how do I go about trying to find a partner to play with me? Any advice would be greatly apprecaited.

imtempting -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/10/2005 2:56:30 PM)
Does your wife know your looking for someone to play wiht?

thetammyjo -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/10/2005 3:55:09 PM)
The first thing I strongly recommend is to talk to your wife before you go searching. Open marriages can be wonderful things to help folks solve different sexual needs and desires but cheating to do that is just asking for trouble. Talk to your wife first. If she says "no" then you have to evaluate what is most important to you -- vanilla or kinky; what you have now versus what you may find.

slaveneedledick -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/10/2005 4:04:21 PM)
My wife and I have talked and she has set a few ground rules which are posted on my collarme.com profile and I will post here: 1. No permanent injury 2. Low cost 3. Safe sane and consensual play.

perverseangelic -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/10/2005 7:54:43 PM)
Honestly, your best bet would be to find a local pro who is interested. I know it sounds sucky, but it seems the fastest, best way to find someone ok with married people w/ only one interested party.

thetammyjo -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/10/2005 8:53:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveneedledick My wife and I have talked and she has set a few ground rules which are posted on my collarme.com profile and I will post here: 1. No permanent injury 2. Low cost 3. Safe sane and consensual play. I'd recommend being completely honest then about these rules. Many tops and dominants will immediately reject someone who is married if their partner isn't also kinky -- the fear being that they really won't understand. I, myself, have rules about meeting everyone involved and getting informed consent which means meeting that non-kinky spouse (that's usually not workable for a couple and then I don't talk further about scening). I just need to protect myself and my househld afterall. perverseangelic had a good idea too about pros but that might not be so low cost Discuss a bit more with your wife about you getting into a nearby kink community in some fashion to meet folks -- munch or something. This will give you contact and make you known and I personally believe increase your chances of finding partner(s). I don't envy you at all though for this situation, slaveneedledick. This is a very difficult position to be in for everyone involved either now or in the future.

slaveneedledick -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/11/2005 7:39:31 AM)
TammyJo, Thank you for your advice and yes I have seen many ads here on collarme that if your married don't bother. It is very difficult and lately I have been thinking that I should just forget about ever getting involved in the scene. The advice of finding a local pro is not within the rules of the agreement. needle

MHOO314 -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/11/2005 7:49:49 AM)
I don't agree with assuming there is a sexual need here that is not met--(we generalize too much at times)--but I strongly suggest an honest self assessment before you start looking--what is it that drives you, what must be fulfilled---that would help you at least start looking in the right direction---and there are plenty of profiles that do not mind a married---- seeking to calm the raging beast with the full consent of the married partner IMHO is not cheating--it is open communication, albeit difficult---as you find what you need, she indeed may begin to want to fill that void--keep looking--best of luck--

thetammyjo -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/11/2005 8:03:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MHOO314 I don't agree with assuming there is a sexual need here that is not met--(we generalize too much at times)--but I strongly suggest an honest self assessment before you start looking--what is it that drives you, what must be fulfilled---that would help you at least start looking in the right direction---and there are plenty of profiles that do not mind a married---- seeking to calm the raging beast with the full consent of the married partner IMHO is not cheating--it is open communication, albeit difficult---as you find what you need, she indeed may begin to want to fill that void--keep looking--best of luck-- I hadn't seen that anyone had mentioned sex at all in this thread thus far.

MizSuz -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/11/2005 8:51:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveneedledick My wife and I have talked and she has set a few ground rules which are posted on my collarme.com profile and I will post here: 1. No permanent injury 2. Low cost 3. Safe sane and consensual play. I commend you on being open and honest with your significant other! It speaks highly of you. As you are aware, you have more than a few hurdles to over come. Perhaps if you understood one dominant woman's perspective regarding this it might help. I usually only consider married people as professional clients. I realize that's not an option for you but I'd like to explain to you why that is my preference. Consider this - most dominant women want to be the center of the submissive's life or some reasonable facsimile thereof. As a married person with a child there is no way for you to put a domina first, you have prior commitments that will always put her third at best, fourth (as you need to take care of you first) usually. Then there is your job to consider, which will often come before a domina, as well (and rightly so). Where will you be on holidays? Probably with your family. Will you take your domina on your vacations? Probably not. Will you be able to come if she calls you in the middle of the night with an emergency? Probably usually not. Will you be able to assist her with financial emergencies that may arise? Probably not. When the growing season starts, will you help her with yard maintenance? Probably not until you've taken care of your own home. I could go on and on. So, what is it that you hope to bring to a relationship with a domina other than a willingness to allow her to serve your fetish needs up on a platter? It's understandable that you can't bring money, as you have already agreed with your wife that it will be low cost; but what else can you commit to the domina? Have you considered this and if you have, how do you communicate it? Having a clear understanding not only of what you want, but also of what you have to offer may help you find someone you match with. Your profile only talks about what you and your wife want. Why would anybody care to become involved with someone who doesn't appear to have anything to bring to the table? Finding a domina is usually a difficult task due to the standard reasons - you're one male bottom in a sea of male bottoms looking for a domina in a haystack. You would have a difficult time of it even if you weren't married with commitments. So, in order to sell yourself you'll need to make yourself desirable. Being clear about what you have to offer will assist in that process, I think. It certainly couldn't hurt. Have you thought about what you could bring to the table that would enhance a domina's life? What have you done to communicate that to prospectives?

slaveneedledick -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/11/2005 9:16:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MizSuz quote: ORIGINAL: slaveneedledick My wife and I have talked and she has set a few ground rules which are posted on my collarme.com profile and I will post here: 1. No permanent injury 2. Low cost 3. Safe sane and consensual play. I commend you on being open and honest with your significant other! It speaks highly of you. As you are aware, you have more than a few hurdles to over come. Perhaps if you understood one dominant woman's perspective regarding this it might help. I usually only consider married people as professional clients. I realize that's not an option for you but I'd like to explain to you why that is my preference. Consider this - most dominant women want to be the center of the submissive's life or some reasonable facsimile thereof. As a married person with a child there is no way for you to put a domina first, you have prior commitments that will always put her third at best, fourth (as you need to take care of you first) usually. Then there is your job to consider, which will often come before a domina, as well (and rightly so). Where will you be on holidays? Probably with your family. Will you take your domina on your vacations? Probably not. Will you be able to come if she calls you in the middle of the night with an emergency? Probably usually not. Will you be able to assist her with financial emergencies that may arise? Probably not. When the growing season starts, will you help her with yard maintenance? Probably not until you've taken care of your own home. I could go on and on. So, what is it that you hope to bring to a relationship with a domina other than a willingness to allow her to serve your fetish needs up on a platter? It's understandable that you can't bring money, as you have already agreed with your wife that it will be low cost; but what else can you commit to the domina? Have you considered this and if you have, how do you communicate it? Having a clear understanding not only of what you want, but also of what you have to offer may help you find someone you match with. Your profile only talks about what you and your wife want. Why would anybody care to become involved with someone who doesn't appear to have anything to bring to the table? Finding a domina is usually a difficult task due to the standard reasons - you're one male bottom in a sea of male bottoms looking for a domina in a haystack. You would have a difficult time of it even if you weren't married with commitments. So, in order to sell yourself you'll need to make yourself desirable. Being clear about what you have to offer will assist in that process, I think. It certainly couldn't hurt. Have you thought about what you could bring to the table that would enhance a domina's life? What have you done to communicate that to prospectives? Miz Suz, I guess I need to think what I can do to help the domina's life better and still let my normal life fit. To answer your question no I have not thought about the points you made. Now I am really beginning to wonder if I should pursue or not and that is something I am going to have to work out with myself though advice is always welcomed. needle

LadyVictoria -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/11/2005 9:31:10 AM)
A lot of good advice has been offered so far. Here's another perspective... Have you talked to your wife about WHY she has no desire to learn or play? Perhaps it is something simple, as having no knowledge, or something more problematic such as in deeply-seated religious beliefs. I applaud your honesty with her in even approaching the subject. Perhaps she would be open to discussing her thoughts with a Domme. Just a thought.... LadyV

MizSuz -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/11/2005 9:47:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveneedledick Miz Suz, I guess I need to think what I can do to help the domina's life better and still let my normal life fit. To answer your question no I have not thought about the points you made. Now I am really beginning to wonder if I should pursue or not and that is something I am going to have to work out with myself though advice is always welcomed. I definitely suggest and recommend examining what it is you are looking for and getting a plan for communicating it clearly. Whether you present as seeking to 'serve' or simply seeking kinky times for which the only thing you have to offer is those kinky times, you need to communicate that to people. You can't communicate it if you don't know yourself. Being a novice that's a reasonable thing. Most novices come a point where they realize they have a lot to think about and it sounds like you're about to step into that phase. This will just be the beginning. Also consider the fact that it didn't occur to you to think about the person you are looking for's wants and needs until it was suggested. This tells a lot about what you are looking for. It suggests to me that you are going to have a very difficult time finding someone because, at this point and from what I can tell from the little you've posted, what you seek is a pro. There is no judgement from me in that regard as I know many people who can't put more into it than that but still have a need and desire for it. Its possible that you can find a woman who is only interested in casual play for the sake of casual play, but it's not likely that you will. If you are frustrated enough to walk away now then perhaps you are in the wrong place or perhaps its something better kept as a fantasy, or perhaps not. That's for you to decide.

theRose4U -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/11/2005 11:28:47 AM)
quote: The advice of finding a local pro is not within the rules of the agreement. Which part of the posted rules did I miss that this was not allowed? If money is the issue there are LOTS of ways to make yourself useful even to a ProDomme that do not involve large amounts of money.

perverseangelic -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/11/2005 11:45:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theRose4U quote: The advice of finding a local pro is not within the rules of the agreement. Which part of the posted rules did I miss that this was not allowed? If money is the issue there are LOTS of ways to make yourself useful even to a ProDomme that do not involve large amounts of money. That was the impression I got as well, but I might have missread.

MizSuz -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/11/2005 11:46:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theRose4U Which part of the posted rules did I miss that this was not allowed? If money is the issue there are LOTS of ways to make yourself useful even to a ProDomme that do not involve large amounts of money. It's a good observation but a bit misleading. I know very few pros who are willing to 'trade' unless it's with someone they know will come through, which translates to someone who has proven their reliability all ready. Many of the ones I know only pull their personals from their client base and some have rules about how many times you have to session on a professional basis before they will even consider you as a personal or on a barter basis. There are too many people out there looking for a fetish fix to sift through them all to find the reliable barter. As I mentioned in a previous post, it's possible but not likely.

TeeGO -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/11/2005 3:35:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveneedledick Hello A/all, I am married to a vanilla wife who does not play or wants to play at this time. I also am a father to a great son and I do love my wife. My question is how do I go about trying to find a partner to play with me? Any advice would be greatly apprecaited. The question to me is: Are you looking to satisfy a masochistic kink or are you a submissive male wanting a D/s relationship with your wife? If your looking for a D/s she could quite possibly be converted. But it would take time and patience. Otherwise I think your chances of finding a Domme are slim without forking over at least $250 a session.

slaveneedledick -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/12/2005 1:07:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: theRose4U quote: The advice of finding a local pro is not within the rules of the agreement. Which part of the posted rules did I miss that this was not allowed? If money is the issue there are LOTS of ways to make yourself useful even to a ProDomme that do not involve large amounts of money. It is not against the rules however most of the Pro Dommes I have seen here all they want is cash up front.

slaveneedledick -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/12/2005 1:10:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MizSuz quote: ORIGINAL: slaveneedledick Miz Suz, I guess I need to think what I can do to help the domina's life better and still let my normal life fit. To answer your question no I have not thought about the points you made. Now I am really beginning to wonder if I should pursue or not and that is something I am going to have to work out with myself though advice is always welcomed. I definitely suggest and recommend examining what it is you are looking for and getting a plan for communicating it clearly. Whether you present as seeking to 'serve' or simply seeking kinky times for which the only thing you have to offer is those kinky times, you need to communicate that to people. You can't communicate it if you don't know yourself. Being a novice that's a reasonable thing. Most novices come a point where they realize they have a lot to think about and it sounds like you're about to step into that phase. This will just be the beginning. Also consider the fact that it didn't occur to you to think about the person you are looking for's wants and needs until it was suggested. This tells a lot about what you are looking for. It suggests to me that you are going to have a very difficult time finding someone because, at this point and from what I can tell from the little you've posted, what you seek is a pro. There is no judgement from me in that regard as I know many people who can't put more into it than that but still have a need and desire for it. Its possible that you can find a woman who is only interested in casual play for the sake of casual play, but it's not likely that you will. If you are frustrated enough to walk away now then perhaps you are in the wrong place or perhaps its something better kept as a fantasy, or perhaps not. That's for you to decide. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do at this time.

MizSuz -> RE: Vanilla SO and the lifestyle (12/12/2005 5:26:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveneedledick It is not against the rules however most of the Pro Dommes I have seen here all they want is cash up front. Think about asking a pro if she is willing to consider a barter situation if you do pro sessions a specific number of times. Again, you'll need to be able to tell her what skills you bring to the table and how much you can invest in terms of time. Then you'll need to go the extra mile to show her that you're interested in something more than casual play, rather a friendship. As you may know, friends (and not just acquaintances) are not free - they are a time investment.

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