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RE: Beat This, not That - 10/19/2008 8:52:31 PM

yourMissTress

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I'm with the group consensus on this one. There was/is more to the story than is told here. Maybe you know what it is, maybe you don't, but it sounds to me as though he didn't want to face the real reason that he wanted to be released and grabbed onto the first thing he could. Maybe he couldn't admit it to you, maybe he was afraid or uncomfortable talking with you about it, whatever it was, it had nothing to do with you spanking his thighs.

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RE: Beat This, not That - 10/20/2008 8:25:28 AM

Rogue86

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No worries, catize... Not on the defensive at all. You made some interesting points. :)

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RE: Beat This, not That - 10/20/2008 8:30:37 AM

Rogue86

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I"m sure this will get me into trouble with some of Y/you, but....

Oprah is a hard limit.

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RE: Beat This, not That - 10/20/2008 8:58:34 AM

Rogue86

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quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

One moment. Having read the other additional postings, I'm curious.

Now you claim you pride yourself on communication and talking, right? Okay, so what was your submissive being released from when it came out that you both weren't on the same page over something as simple as a spanking?

[ he was released from the contract at his request after quite a bit of additional discussion, during which all protocol was suspended. he stuck to his original concern and denied any other contributing factors to his decision. ]

Another thing, you appear not to understand the reasons behind him seeking release, but yet you are so sure that he was to blame and it was his problem. How can you be so sure of this? Are you convinced you did everything right and couldn't have done anything differently? What makes you so sure?

[ I do not see Myself as infallible and it's entirely possible that I may have done something else to bring him to this point - though for the life of Me I cannot imagine what that would have been. I gave a lot of thought to that very thing and came up empty. he did not give me any additional insight other than what I have stated, just different versions of the same. It's not about blame, for Me, it's about understanding or - in this case - a lack thereof.]

In the OP there's a nice little reconstruction of the spanking and your sub wanting release. But what about before that? What went on before the spanking? What was the event which led directly to the spanking? How long did you know your submissive? How frequently was he previously spanked?

[the sub was My live-in, collared boy for nearly three months when this occurred. the spanking that he claimed brought this up took place the day before, and his behavior at the time and immediately after was no different than it had been during previous sessions which were on average a weekly event. The spanking was part of a larger role-playing scene and was not 'punitive' - a limit that he *had* set: No spanking as real punishment for real infractions. I had known him for about 6 months prior to his collaring.]

Was your partner present during any of your meetings with the submissive? What was his role? What was the relationship between your submissive and your partner? Was your submissive gay? Bi/ How do you know he wasn't for example a married straight guy pretending to be gay?

[My partner was present for some of the spankings, although not the one that took place the day before the conversation. the boy and my partner related to one another as younger brother to older brother - still D/s but on a less formal level if that makes sense to you. I am 100% sure the boy is gay. The relationship between all three of us was also sexual in addition to D/s and that part worked out great. Mind you, spanking was his primary (though not only) non-vanilla interest after D/s and the initial reason he sought Me out.]

Just asking out of curiosity...

Hope that answered your questions...

< Message edited by Rogue86 -- 10/20/2008 9:01:16 AM >

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RE: Beat This, not That - 10/20/2008 12:08:33 PM

darchChylde

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Sounds like me, when i first ran into the term "CBT" on a checklist that Ma'am had given me to fill out. I asked Her what it was and She told me "Cock and Ball Torture". At that point, without asking for further clarification, i immediately marked down "4" for that activity; "4" being that particular checklists annotation for a hard limit.

To me, the word "Torture" in the phrase brought the most horrible forms of pain and mutilation to mind and these were things that i wanted to stay very far away from that most precious and vulnerable of parts of my body. Later on i had researched it and found that CBT covered a broad range of acts, some of them quite mild as simply using a cock-ring and i informed Her that my answer to that part was no longer a hard limit but something i was curious about exploring; especially since i had experienced some versions of that type of play alread and quite enjoyed them, even in "vanilla" relations.

Open communication is very important, and even with something that most would consider universally understood like spanking; it's easy to find that the definition for one person is not the same for another (look at the whole question of 'is oral actually sex?'). For me, spanking is actually on the ass or thighs or pretty much anything else that can be reached while i'm laying on my stomach and too extreme is only when i say stop or slow down (or whatever the appropriate safe word is) and the top or dominant is not adhering to my request.

Like others said, being spanked on the thighs was not your boys' real problem and was likely simply an excuse that he felt more comfortable giving than the truth. If the situation is exactly as you have claimed, it says much more about the boy in question than it does you.

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RE: Beat This, not That - 10/20/2008 12:37:05 PM

softness

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

Its been my experience that expecting a "direct and honest statement" from most "submissives" is expecting too much.

youch! .. that sweeping generalisation just whacked me upside the head

anyway .,. to the OP - so you learned a couple of things 1)make sure you are talking the same language .. 2) If you smell a rat, ask if anyone else does ....(i.e. your partner) ... and 3) creating a space for open fair discussion - perhaps even on "terms of equality" .. may not be a bad thing in future.

This said because I am sure if you asked DV about the end of our relationship, He would say I acted in a totally unreasonable manner about a petty matter to do with dress code. There was actually a whole world of other stuff going on but I had no means to communicate that, hence it all came flooding out during a conversation about footwear.

Slap on the thigh ending a relationship doesn't sound that odd to someone who got released over a pair of shoes, but it only makes sense to me because it does.

Moral of the story ... check there is a place to talk through all the stuff going on, other wise all the stuff going on has to fit into discussions about things we thought would be meaningless.

< Message edited by softness -- 10/20/2008 12:45:57 PM >

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RE: Beat This, not That - 10/20/2008 5:34:36 PM

Rogue86

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Some good points there, but as I said in earlier posts a discussion took place after the initial exchange in which all protocol was completely suspended.

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RE: Beat This, not That - 10/21/2008 3:00:48 AM

ranja

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I really do not get this…why did the boy have his genitals exposed to you? I mean if he wanted out why did he not have pants on while asking for release?
Was he following protocol?
Might that not more be the reason for him saying you are too extreme perhaps?
If the rules the Master imposes are too much to cope with and the Master is not quick enough to notice this and relax things to a level a sub is more comfortable with then the sub will feel troubled…now the sub has to either put up with things that do not feel good, or complain… most subs hate complaining.
Communication is the key to things but not all communication needs to be spoken, body language should be understood too.

The boy should have had his pants on while asking for release. I think some dignity in this difficult situation would have been preferable….

Unless he was into humiliation and in that case…did he really want to be released or was he looking for more cp?

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RE: Beat This, not That - 10/21/2008 4:19:16 AM

ExSteelAgain

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The problem is that you are trying to assign the blame to the event as if it were the catalyst that caused the break-up when it wasn’t. If apparently minor issues are built up that way, it is simply the other person telling you that they are not that much into you.

Break-up excuses for seemingly unimportant conditions are polite ways of saying, I’m tired of your ass.

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RE: Beat This, not That - 10/21/2008 9:53:58 AM

Rogue86

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Trust me when I say "nudity was not the issue." :: chuckle ::

Although humiliation was one of his interests, nudity was not humiliating for him. He was nude by choice as often as he was nude by protocol. he chose that moment to come to Me with the issue, and as I have stated we discussed the issue in depth afterwards without protocol - i.e. he had his pants on, didn't have to watch his language, call Me 'Sir' and so forth. I found it interesting that he chose to bring the issue up in that way, with full protocol and speaking respectfully.

I see My mistake in the OP... I should never have started with the 'dramatization' and simply stated the situation. My bad. Thanks to everyone for their feedback. Whatever the real reason, I think it boils down to the fact that he wanted out and this was the excuse that he chose to use. [shrug] I've moved on.

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