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How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 8:33:22 AM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		A few years ago I was in a relationship that wasn't very healthy. A lot of bad things happened and I got out. However, that meant leaving behind some friends I'd made that were his friends first.
His best friend's girlfriend had two daughters, one was 9 the other was 3. I was very friendly with the girlfriend even after they broke up and I loved those girls like I've never loved children before. When I left she gave me pictures of them, but I've lost them along the way. I still think about them constantly wondering how they are. The girlfriend and my ex are still good friends.
I've tried contacting my ex to ask him how the girls were doing and if he'd give me any contact info to get a hold of her, but he just said "I want you to stop contacting me." I really don't want to talk to him, but he's the only one that I could get in touch with at the time.

I've recently found out where my girl friend lives, and it's a few hours drive away. I don't have her phone number so I can't call and I know she doesn't receive mail at her address (she might have a PO box, but I have no idea) so I can't send a letter. I'd like to go over there and talk to her or if no one is home, leave a note on her door. I have no reason to believe that she wouldn't want me around. The problem is, is my ex lives in the same town and I don't want people to think I'm trying to stalk him or anything.
All I really want is to find out how the girls are doing and if I can be included in their lives or not. If the answer is no from their MOTHER then I'll let it go, but I don't feel that I should be deterred by people who really have no say in it.

How should I handle this situation?
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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 8:34:52 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		go drop a note at the door.  how can it be considered stalking if you're not at HIS door?

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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 8:38:22 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline 		how quickly we forget....you see...women LURK...and men STALK....so no worries on the stalking issue....

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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 8:42:26 AM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

go drop a note at the door.  how can it be considered stalking if you're not at HIS door?


If we become friendly again, and he finds out or she talks about me or if he even runs into me, the type of immature person he is is liable to start pointing fingers at me. I'm not 100% sure, but he did it before. I haven't talked to him in a while, though, so he might have finally grown up.

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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 8:46:52 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		it's not stalking if you don't go near HIM...and perhaps if you talk to her, and explain that you don't want to have any drama, she'd be less inclined to mention that you're in contact 

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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 8:54:57 AM   
girlivy


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		How wonderful and such a blessing to have another caring adult in a child's life.
Unfortunately, that unless the PARENTS  feel like it would be a healthy relationship for the child, they do hold the key.  Just be honest, and forth right in your intentions in contacting the parents.  Sounds like it can be a very sticky situation especially if  your dealing with folks who are not very open minded, or hold grudges, and are influenced by others.  The bottom line in MO is that this situation involves no one other than the parents, children, and yourself. 
Also, i understand your concern when you mentioned "stalking" or how you may appear. . Fuck-it, ones perception of your actions really have nothing to do with your motivations, only inhibit them to a point. that you allow.
Many blessings your way for strength!
Cheers

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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 9:46:12 AM   
Darias


Posts: 1757
Joined: 1/17/2006
From: midlands ireland
Status: offline 		what it boils down to is this

Your ex * lets call him friendly neighbourhood muppet or FNM * is the childish immature type whos gonna point fingers about you stalking?

Dear so what? the only one who has contact with him that you want to talk  to is this woman and when you show  up and spend hours catching up shes gonna know your there for her not FNM. especially when , i have not doubt , the last topic you are going to want to discuss with her is FNM

let him throw is little tempertantrum in the supermarket... tell all HIS friends how your stalking him. it doesnt effect you and the US is a free country.

my advice is dont let FNM have that much control over your life. you choose who to visit who to be friends with and what you do ... not him

this is one situation where it might be ok to be completly selfish and only think of your own needs

P.s. did i just say more or less what ivy said with less pinache? DAMNIT


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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 12:21:31 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		so ... let's see you were friends with her and her kids a few years ago.  you left your fellow and now you are wanting to know how the kids are?  What has happened in the interim with your "girlfriend"?  I mean it seems to me that your relationship has ended somewhat naturally.

One letter.  okay.  no more than that.  SHE has to decide if she wants you in her and her kids' lives. 

good luck,
sunshine


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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 12:34:34 PM   
graphicnature


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I was in the military and moving around and had no idea how to get in touch with her since I needed to cut off all contact with my ex at the time and he was very involved in her life because of the kids.

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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 3:41:51 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		You might try Googling her.  You might get lucky and have her name pop up with some kind of contact information.  It's a little bit of a longshot, but it does work sometimes.  I should know.....after 13 years of searching for the woman who gave birth to me and hitting dead ends, on a lark one night I threw her name into the Goodle Search, and the website of an organization she belonged to popped up, along with her home address, phone, email address and even a couple photos.

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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 4:25:37 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Get over your obsession. The past is past, done is done. Get yourself to new horizons.

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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 4:35:54 PM   
SL4V3M4YB3


Posts: 3506
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: S.E. London U.K.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule
Get over your obsession. The past is past, done is done. Get yourself to new horizons.


Off the shelf advise. Apply it here there and everywhere.

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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/20/2008 4:51:26 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		I agree with what several others have said.  Try getting contact info online via google, myspace, facebook, whitepages, what have you.  You never know, I've found some people I thought were "gone" that way.

As to what your ex thinks, who cares?  If you're going to let him dictate to you that way, when he isn't even around, and it isn't about him, you're really letting him have control that isn't necessary.  If you care that much about what people think or what they might think, then you're just going to have to give it up and call it a day.  If you really want to see if you'll be accepted then leave a note like Greedy said and wait to see what your friend says.  If there's no response, that's your answer.  But, you may be surprised, and so will the kids.

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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/21/2008 8:27:34 AM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		~FR

It seems to me with divorce and McRelationships kids are all ready subject to too many who drop in and out, sometimes with intensity that they may feel too without the ability to have closure when it ends. This has to be painful and confusing. I would suggest making sure it would be in the kids' best interests,' and not only something that would make you happy.

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RE: How should I go about this? - 10/21/2008 8:32:38 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Ok tough love here. Get off your butt and go see her.  If I say anymore the Mod will visit me.

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Profile   Post #: 15
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