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cloudboy -> RE: Maintaining Interest (12/21/2005 10:52:12 AM)
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>I have been in this wonderful Lifestyle for almost 30 years... yes, even back before it was "cool." Five years ago, I met My current subbie hubbie. He relocated from Nebraska to My house in Indiana. He is one of those rare creatures, a "natural" sub. My problem is this... I have become almost bored with scening, and rarely think in terms of what lovely torture shall I do today? Once We start playing, I always enjoy it, as he is wonderfully responsive. So... how does One renew the interest? What can I do to spark those banked embers into a roaring fire? Any thoughts? LadyV <
This is truly a great question. What is the arc of a sexual/love/romance/relationship? When I met my Mistress, she made a comment at about our six (6) month point that things could not remain "as intense" as they were in the beginning forever. Her assumption was, normalcy and familiarity would inevitably set in. When I heard this, inside I said to myself, "nothing has died down at all within me."
Anyway, we are now at our eighteen (18) month point, and our connection is still very strong and vibrant. That still puts us forty two (42) months behind you and your sub. Here are some of my thoughts, which I will just bullet below.
1. Marriage can have a very negative effect romance.
2. Monogamy can get old, and its not easy to keep an exclusive relationship fresh and exciting.
3. Kink and D/S allow the sensual connection between people to be much more adventuresome and various than straight sex sensuality. I myself wonder if KINK with the right partner is the pathway to sustainable monogamy.
4. I am new to polyamory, and I do not want to claim that it is "right" or that it is the "answer" to everyone's "keeping the flames burning" issues. That said, I have been married for 9 years and I am still married. We also are childless. Without going into details, I will just say that the sexual connection between my wife and I has waned. When this happens, there is a drift in ones marriage. In our drift, my wife fell in love with another man, albeit a victorian love (romance w/o sex.) When this happened, the only thing I was mad about was how at times this would infringe on our marriage, but I told her, its perfectly natural for you to be attracted to and form connections to others. In my own drift, I met my Mistress, who is also married as well.
5. So, where am I? I am married to my best friend and I am in love and share my sexual connection with my Mistress. I am my wife's best friend, and she derives her romantic excitement from another man. We have opened our marriage up instead of getting divorced.
6. So what are my conclusions about this arrangment and what insights might they offer on the arcs of relationships?
a. It would be a lot easier to be in a heightened state of love with your own marital partner and have no needs outside of that arrangement. There would be no sharing, jealousy, managment, or competition issues to deal with. You could easily play by society's rules instead of trying to make up your own rules. You would not at times feel divided.
b. What exactly are the odds of being in a "heightened state of love with your own marital partner" for five years, ten years, ... a lifetime? What is best? Sucking it up and stuffing your libido and need for others in a box? Divorce and start over? Stay married, make an agreement, and open things up? Marriage counseling?
c. My Mistress was told by her mentor, who is a practising clincal therapist, that couples who married early and stayed married --- by the time they reach their 50s, well, they are down to sex for about once a month, if that.
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Concluding thought: One's sexual-Romantic engergy has a life of its own, and I would argue that IT choses you, you do not choose it. This is what makes long term relationships so complicated. Best intentions simply cannot a fire make. What one does with this fire when it strikes is quite a question. What one can do when the fire goes down? What does one do when the fire goes out?
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In my own case and in the time with my Mistress, I have learned that investing my feelings and submission in her keeps her burning strong. This rears her desire to dominate, which in turn fires my need for submission. We can never really become too familiar to one another b/c we are married to others. This essentially puts us in emotional chastity, which is very hard in the denial periods, but very fruitful when we are together.
Anyway, I am very curious to know if you are able to freshen and enliven things up in your d/s marriage. My only advice is, don't be too hard on yourself or your spouse. In a LTR, there will be ebbs and flows (o, what a cliche I know.)
Good luck,
cloudboy
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