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VonneCat -> alternative sexuality... or "what king of freak are you?" (10/20/2008 5:53:29 PM)
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I find myself writing this article for no one. I don’t even know why, other than thoughts of alternative sexualities have been on my mind lately, and I feel like talking about it.
-b.f.
p.s I've done a shit job at punctuation throughout. I'll try to fix some of it. if it bothers you, let me know and I'll edit it better.
It occurs to me that a shit load of people have the same sort of questions about life that I do. I know that it would be unbelievably pretentious of me to say that I have the answers. I know that by writing the sort of thing that I have been thinking about that many people will insult my work and say that it’s the ramblings of a pervert and a fool. I understand that. I don’t write because of understanding. I write because I believe. I believe that people are at their most basic self, similar. There is a question that anyone who isn’t normal asks. Yes, I’ve just admitted I’m not normal. Actually there are lots of questions. I’ll start with one that interests me a lot.
Why does sex define so many things? This is one question that I don’t entirely have a handle on yet. I suppose once I do, I’ll become a very rich man. Sex sells. That is a truism that I’ve heard since I was a child. I have never heard anyone ever argue with it. Almost any other maxim or little nugget of wisdom can be argued with in some way. Man, if I had the answer to the reason why sex is the thing which defines our roles in life, I could sell that knowledge for more money than the pope has. I imagine that the pope has a lot of money.
Sex defines who we are as it relates to everyone else. It inspires every single human emotion. Why does sex inspire love? Why does it inspire jealousy? Laughter? Agony? I think its because it’s the single most important thing on earth. Sexuality is the largest industry on earth. How much advancement of the technology we use on a daily basis was inspired by the need to distribute porn? Money and power go hand in hand with sex. It’s the go-to cliché for making a story interesting (for making a commercial interesing... or anything on TV). When a love story is “toned down” to represent an 'ideal' life to children, it’s the sexual element that is removed. It’s the absence of it that we feel that makes it blander. Just as there are billions of dollars spent in adding sexuality into our daily lives, there are billions spent to remove it. Still, we acknowledge that adding it, or subtracting it, sex is what is in focus. Whether or not you have sex in your life defines "you". How much you have, and how much you make other people think you have and how easily other people see through your pretenses is just the beginning of how others define you through your sexuality. That is "how" sex defines things. "Why" does it? Well, why do we let it? Why do we want it to? Everyone wants to be attractive to the people that they want to attract. It might be the people that they loath. It might be their spouse. It might even be someone that they feel guilty about being attracted to.
Guilt! Now there is a word that takes the cake when it comes to how we define sexuality, and how it defines us. How many combinations are there? Feeling guilty when you shouldn’t? Feeling guilty when your partner doesn’t? Not feeling guilty about something that society says you should? There are a myriad of helpful, and destructive ways that people deal with guilt. There are sexual subcultures devoted to the removal of guilt, by means of ritual-like pain and submission. There are other groups that get around the feelings of guilt by saying that they will only sleep with one person through the rest of their lives in front of an audience of family and friends. Even those rare groups of people who embrace an “alternative” lifestyle, such as polyamorous (aka ‘poly’) which, while it litterally is supposed to describe units of people who are in a committed relationship with multiple consenting persons, is really more of a description of a single person, and their own view of sexuality. There can easily be a monogamous person who is dating someone who is open to the poly way of life, but chooses not to, in order to please the other person. Swingers and the poly lifestyle are not the same thing. Just as D/s people and gorean people are not the same thing. Though it occurs to me that most every set of sexual subgroup (and the more specific you are with naming a subgroup, the stricter this rule applies) has its own code for behavior. Everyone has their own rules. Rules to make themselves comfortable with the people with whom they share a kink. It tends to serve mostly as a “Assholes need not apply” sign. Some groups are leaner on the rules than others, but many spell them out rather consistently. For instance R.A.C.K. means risk aware consensual kink. Rack seems to be the banner shown to everyone who goes looking for answers about bondage online. As of this moment, there are 9010 hits for that combination of words on Google. It has its own Wikipedia page. Oddly it reminds me of another group that deals with feelings of different sexuality and experimentation. Also they deal with a lot of guilt. That group is the psycodelic leavings of the 1960’s known as ravers. The acronym used by hundreds of thousands of drug-popping always-happy all the time kids across the country is PLURR. It stands for peace love unity respect and responsibility. Try yelling it out of your car window next time you see someone in gigantic pants chewing on a pacifier. Now what does Plurr and Rack have in common? The word ‘responsibility’. Whatever sort of sexual fulfillment you are trying to procure, the thing that everyone else wants you to do, is to not be a raging douche bag. There are places you can go. There are thing you can do to get laid without ever hurting anyone so long as you don’t have anyone to hurt. If there is someone who would get hurt because you are going to have sex, you’re not the sort of person that the sub cultures will embrace and respect. Now I didn’t say that you wouldn’t get laid. People get laid all the time. Long term satisfaction? Well, that all depends on your motivations. But I digress. The term responsible is thrown around as much as the term ‘clean’ is. One in four people has human papillomavirus aka HPV. It’s a sexually transmitted disease that could cause cervical cancer and other side effects. Responsible people get themselves tested so that they don’t spread viruses amongst the rest of the community. Responsible people don’t go beyond what their partners have asked. Responsible people listen.
There is nothing that someone won’t try someday. I believe this to be true with all of my heart. I’ve tried everything I’ve ever wanted to. Do you have a kink? Is there something that you want? It doesn’t matter what it is. Someone else wants to do it to. Do you want to stomp on some guys balls, or nail them to a board? People are doing that right now! Do you want to learn how to enter a life style where a subservient woman will serve you day and night? (It is called ‘Gorean’, and I highly recommend you subscribe to the philosophy before you try to enter the culture.) I’ve read WebPages and forums where that sort of thing is talked about openly by both men and women in both sets of cultures. There is nothing that is "out of bounds" philosophically speaking. Of course there are laws. Of course there are bounds which I personally believe ought never to ever even be considered to be crossed. The reality of life is, however, that people will cross it. Large amounts of people will move toward the same sorts of sexuality. Always have. Why do they do it? Why are there groups of people who like the same thing? In large populations (of sub groups), when the people are open enough about it to the rest of us to allow themselves to be polled people being to claim to see patterns. One of the few examples that I remember reading about was a poll that seemed to show that most of the growth for the bdsm community was in fact divorced women in their 30-40’s. Later, correlations seemed to me to show that women in their early to late thirties (especially divorcees) were making more new relationships from the safety of an online community than any other demographic. This is a simple observation, but it is a powerful one. When exploring what defines you, sexually, knowing where a community of people like your self are, is a good thing. Population changes with in every sexual culture has to do with the primary group of that culture experiencing similar things. The rave scene would not be getting or maintaining its population if it weren’t for teenage angst. Niche is important. Niche is a subset of a subset. Yiffs are a perfect example of a niche group when it comes to sexuality. Whether you are in a niche group is defined by A) the size of the group and B) the amount of cross over between your group and an larger subset. Yiffs are the sexualized niche of the cultural (nonsexual) subgroup called Furries. A more appropriate term may actually be plushie, especially if the target of the sexualization, isn’t another person, but rather a stuffed doll. Don’t be taken too aback by this sort of deviation. How much different is the man who fucks a stuffed rabbit then the woman who fucks a carrot? You protest? Then I will admit that you were right to protest. The difference is in the culture. A plushophiliac worships the stuffed animal. The connection between himself and the thing he is putting his penis into is much deeper than masturbation. Yet, his connection is fulfilling to him. A psychologist might consider his sexual self definition to that of a zeta male. Someone who has found himself at the bottom of the food chain. He didn’t want to chase tail anymore, so he bought a bugs bunny doll and fucked it. That sort of answer in a bottle is what makes self definition for sexual subculture so important. There are others like themselves. There is community. Because in the end, after the orgasm, what is left? That immaculate emptiness that come post orgasm must be filled with something. Community is the answer. Communication between others that you identify with is the lull of post orgasm and the calm before the chase. After one has taken so much time and effort to be identified in a specific way, communication with other who have done the same is natural. This is answering why its important to identify yourself sexually and identify others, be it a tstv chat room, or an abstinence class at your church. What isn’t explaining is: “why it is that we let sex define some many of the characteristics of our lives.” I think its because we all want sex. The way in which we get sex defines our community, but the fact remains that sex drive puts us squarely in our place. Whatever that place might be.
I would like to propose that if we can recognize that sexuality is the driving force behind so many of our choices, that we make an effort to understand those choices beforehand. Here are a few rules that I live by which I made for myself after realizing my choices were driven by a singular motivation with respect to chosen community.
1. I will have kink, but I will never have fixation
2. I will always hate guilt, but I will remember that it serves its purpose.
3. I will ask you to listen only once. Take it or leave it.
4. I will never allow myself to be in a situation where I want to cheat.
5. I will learn more about you than you will learn about me.
6. I will listen
7. I will not act as an intermediary for anyone with a failing relationship
8. I will not ever date a virgin again
9. I will not ever date anyone who has the word ‘princess’ on anything he/she owns.
10. I will not date anyone who owns more than two cats.
[mod edit to reduce font]
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