truesub4u
Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
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Me at the gym
This will be me when I join the gym and try to lose years of unwanted weight.
This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. A Must Read!
Diary…
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with my personal trainer I’ll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He’s something of a Greek God-with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!
Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to him in his lucre aerobic outfit. I enjoyed the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he put &!# weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce’s rewarding smile made it worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was ok as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the #*~ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated from, you Nazi bastard). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I didn’t show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#& Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I’m having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun-like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
Anyone interested in buying a “slightly used” health club membership?
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For Those Women Who Want To Join A Gym - 
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