RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap

RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (Full Version)

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missturbation -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 5:50:35 AM)
Thankyou for all your responses so far. I agree with each and every one of you. I just hope your advice will get through to her.

tsatske -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 5:52:40 AM)
Soul, You are so right. This is a clear case of 'He's just not that into you.' However, there is something here that scares me. The lingering anger is scary enough - but when someone wants the object of their anger to come to them, it is usually not for good. "I'm trying to see if you are the slave you say you are", brings scary images in my head of nonconsentual use, of someone who feels that silence was not punishment 'enough' and is only still talking to her to get her down thereto 'give her what she deserves.' I'm not actually saying that this is the case. If it were me, I wouldn't have to feel sure that I was in danger - I'd have to feel sure that I wasn't. What would you think he meant if it were a male friend that he had had a fight with, clearly still begrudged after it was over, told the man repeatedly that he didn't like or respect him anymore, but kept asking him to follow through on an earlier planned fishing trip becuase 'I want to see if you are the man you say you are.' ? would not your first thought be that he was crusing for a fight. This is what that feels like to me, and it does not feel safe. my advice - go no where NEAR this one in person, if they are so LDR that a fully safe, short and public meet with others around is not possible (an advantage to local - you can do things like, 'let's just meet at a munch', that jost don't work out for LDR, unless you are really gonna fly somewhere for just a munch or a coffee date, then fly home....) If he were local and she still wanted to meet, I would advice a munch meetup or a coffee date where she brings some friends of hers along.

natasha66 -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 5:57:02 AM)
She should indeed dump his sorry butt and move on. He already has stated, both in deeds and words, that he doesn't want her. Why waste any more time and energy? Just my humble opinion.... quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation Ok this situation is baffling me and i really don't know what advice to give the slave involved in this situation. So i'm asking you kind folks of cm what you would do. Here goes. A load of cm mails exchanged between a slave and master and then they move to msn. They decide they are really into each other and want to meet up. In the meantime they both agree to stop looking for others and both indicate this on their profiles. Everything is cool, their kinks, their ideas on the lifestyle match and they get on well. Then the master changes his profile and no longer indicates he is not looking. Instant red flag to the slave who has been hurt before in smilar situations. She has told the master about these situations. She reacts badly admittedly and accuses him of still looking. He goes mad and says he wants nothing to do with her if she is going to react like that. She apologises repeatedly and eventually he agrees to talk about the situation with her. First though he ignores her for twenty four hours. She sees this as he is punishing her for over reacting to his profile change. His first words to her are to ask her when she can go visit him. She replies and he states that he thinks it will be best to see how they get on in person. Fair enough she thinks. She then makes attempts to hold conversation in the meantime with him but most of the time he just ignores her or talks to her like she is crap. In the end she says she knows she made a mistake but he cant keep on punishing her. He replies that he isnt punishing her, he doesnt want her. So she asks for clarification of why if he doesnt want her he wants her to go down to see him. His response is that he wants to see if she is the slave she claims to be. From this she assumes that he plans for her to go down, use her and send her home, nothing more. He goes mad again when she asks if this is the case. As far as i can tell it just turned into bedlam from there. She couldnt say anything right and he appeared to be twisting everything she said. My advice was of course run, run for the hills, but she is really into this guy and honestly believes it can be worked out. Is she right? Am i being too hasty suggesting she cut her losses right now?

missturbation -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 6:02:27 AM)
quote: I usually avoid these threads like the plague. For some reason, I'm responding. Must be some out of body experience for me. quote: 6. I read this type of thread and I'm dumber for it. Nowadays i wouldnt usually start a thread like this BUT i do feel that if this stops my friend getting in a potentially abusive situation it is worth it.

Aileen1968 -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 6:16:41 AM)
Tell her to run...run fast. Uncaring bastards are just that. They tend to not hide behind false pretenses. She's lucky she saw the real person so early on.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 6:21:02 AM)
Since we here on CM pride ourselves on turning posts back onto the OP, why do you choose to help people like that Miss? Frankly, what your friend needs is some serious therapy. Being so desperate for any sort of relationship, even one with a moron like the one she founds screams low self confidence and god knows what else. What is her relationship pattern like? She needs to spend some time in front of a mirror going "what the fuck?"

Padriag -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 6:21:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation My advice was of course run, run for the hills, but she is really into this guy and honestly believes it can be worked out. Is she right? Am i being too hasty suggesting she cut her losses right now? I think your friend had it right the first time when he altered his profile... he's still playing the field. The situation sounds toxic from what you describe... on both sides. Neither appears to be handling things well and both seem unduly emotional. As for lengthy punishments... I tend not to do so personally... if I feel the need to discipline for something I've found the most effective forms to be immediate and direct, after which you let it go and move on. No I don't think you are being hasty, based on what you wrote it seems reasonable advice.

mc1234 -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 6:30:32 AM)
To me the most important red flag here would be his ignoring her as a way of his trying to control her questioning him. I've been in a similar situation (god help me!) and it was manipulation, not domination. She isn't collared to him. She is exploring the possibilities of a relationship with him. Certainly she is well within her rights to question - although perhaps she didn't do it as tactfully as she should have. But he shouldn't have reacted by ignoring, then sending mixed signals after that. She needs to look at his conflicting behavior and see if this is how she wants her relationship to be. If she can deal with the mess and drama ... then have at it, but take personal responsibility for knowing it's going to be a disaster. If it makes her tense, anxious and nervous, stop im'ing and emailing and get on with her search. Is she new to a D/s relationship? I think she needs to question why she feels the need to prove herself to someone who hasn't done his fair share of proving himself to her. And if she considers seeing him, when she knows he's going to use her and toss her aside ... so be it, but she has no one to blame but herself.

missturbation -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 6:34:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Since we here on CM pride ourselves on turning posts back onto the OP, why do you choose to help people like that Miss? Frankly, what your friend needs is some serious therapy. Being so desperate for any sort of relationship, even one with a moron like the one she founds screams low self confidence and god knows what else. What is her relationship pattern like? She needs to spend some time in front of a mirror going "what the fuck?" I choose to help her because i see an earlier version of myself in her. Now without the advice and help from others i would probably still be her. Michael, how many times in my two years here have you told me to 'look in the mirror', 'quit whining', etc etc? Without comments such as those i would not have changed and i guess im just opening her up to a world of people who have given me good advice that worked for me.

CarrieO -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 6:35:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael snipBeing so desperate for any sort of relationship, even one with a moron like the one she founds screams low self confidence and god knows what else. What is her relationship pattern like? She needs to spend some time in front of a mirror going "what the fuck?"snip Excellent advice that few will listen to. It reminds me of a vanilla friend of mine that has been in and out of abusive relationships. I told her instead of rushing out to meet someone, why not take the time to look at her patterns and why she keeps falling for jerks. She agreed....then ended up with yet another one week later. Some people are just unwilling to move out of their comfort zones, no matter how unhealthy. Your friend needs to accept that this man is being honest when he says "he isnt punishing her, he doesnt want her"....can't get much clearer than that. She may never know why....and in the end, it doesn't matter. Move on. I would have a problem with a man that feels the need to play such childish headgames before even meeting...and maybe after. Manipulation not domination. Edited to add.....Why does she feel the need to prove how good a slave she is?

sirsholly -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 6:38:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation I choose to help her because i see an earlier version of myself in her. Now without the advice and help from others i would probably still be her. Did you listen to the advice from others, and if so, what was said that got through to you?

Rover -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 6:39:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation Nowadays i wouldnt usually start a thread like this BUT i do feel that if this stops my friend getting in a potentially abusive situation it is worth it. Understood, and a noble purpose. Hopefully the process will teach her to avoid those situations on her own in the future. John

mc1234 -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 6:39:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael Since we here on CM pride ourselves on turning posts back onto the OP, why do you choose to help people like that Miss? Frankly, what your friend needs is some serious therapy. Being so desperate for any sort of relationship, even one with a moron like the one she founds screams low self confidence and god knows what else. What is her relationship pattern like? She needs to spend some time in front of a mirror going "what the fuck?" It sounds to me like she's possibly really new to D/s relationships. It sounds like the guy has done a good job convincing her that he's a 'true' Dominant and needs to be impressed, and if she doesn't convince him she's a 'true' submissive, then she really isn't. It's emotional manipulation if that is the case. It shows a weakness in her confidence as a submissive, and possibly a lack of understanding of herself. Or it could be as simple as this guy is really good at getting to her emotionally and she's at a weak point for whatever reason. She just needs to take a step back and take a good hard look around . Which I think missturbation is helping her do. Most of my friends have that one guy in their lives that they always look back on and say 'what the fuck was I thinking?!?' This could be her one.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 6:54:58 AM)
Miss... it would be one thing if your friend was happy about what was happening... if she read his profile change and said "Wow, this guy is seriously into getting what he wants, and I'm glad he can do that." or if, when he got angry, ignored her, and then dismissed her, she said "Wow, I'm absolutely -nothing- to this guy, and that just rocks.... I've always wanted to be nothing more than chattel, and this man can do that for me." If that were the case, I'd say "Let her be... she believes she will be happy with this kind of person, and none of us can decide what will make someone else happy... only they can do that, no matter how perverse it seems to us." In this case, though, she's already unhappy, and they haven't even really -started- yet. She's miserable about his profile change, betrayed by his dishonesty, mistrusting of his motives... that is NOT a foundation to build a relationship on... not -any- kind of a relationship. Things won't get any better down the road. He didn't even wait until he -had- her to dismiss her... he's made it clear that he doesn't want her, and it worries me that, even with that, he's trying to get her to come to him -and- that she's even considering it. There is no relationship that is worth hating it going in and still doing it. These things don't get better -- they just gnaw at one's soul and leave raw, bitter, and diminished people in their wake.

KatyLied -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 7:12:44 AM)
If I were her I would not declare or establish an exclusive relationship with someone whom I've not met. If later, after meeting, there is a mutual decision to mark profiles and/or not see others, cool. But someone I've never met, nah. As far as no contact, I would advise her to mirror him in terms of contact. When I'm talking, getting to know a dominant, he needs to want it as badly as I do, as far as contact. I don't sit by the phone/email waiting for contact. Why she would continue to want to converse with him when it is apparent they don't get along is more than I'll understand.

Subductrssss -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 8:00:18 AM)
He told her He does not want her, then WHY would He want her to come to Him? To prove she is a sub? SNORTS, right. Tell her to re-think this again and again and then get MAD, not get hurt or upset, or react, to just get mad and she will know what is the right thing to do

NuevaVida -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 8:12:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation I choose to help her because i see an earlier version of myself in her. Now without the advice and help from others i would probably still be her. Here here. Everyone has low points in their lives. Some lower than others. I'll chime in with the others, that if you have to push yourself on a man who doesn't want you, it's time to re-evaluate yourself.

tsatske -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 8:14:34 AM)
Katy, what you give is excellent advice in terms of the general, overall search. Both the friend we are speaking to third party here, and everyone else, would do well to follow your advice. I have always refused to 'mark my profile' for someone I've never met. I am a strait forward, up front person, honest to a fault, and i refuse to tell someone I've never met that I will quit seeing others. To do so, is, imo, a mistake. My profile now says I am Master's property - but, to be blunt, a whole lot of that has to do with distance. He is 5 miles away at his office, I am off today and am home, on the computer and intermittently cleaning the house. The mirroring thing works wonders, too. I don't set out in a new exploration with a person doing it on purpose. That early on, I do it sometimes to control me - if i am so excited about someone that I am afeared of getting 'subbie fever' and running them off with hourly calls, I will use it to moniter myself. However, the most common usage is - without malace or anger or even annoyance, if i notice that I seem to be doing most of the calling, I check that by 'mirroring'. I have had people that seemed very enthusastic about me drop away completely when I did this. And I think that's a good thing. I mean, what does that tell me, if they are just so anxious to talk to me and so glad to hear from me when I call that - if I don't call, that's the end of it? That's some useful information, right there.

RealSub58 -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 8:36:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: missturbation I agree however i wouldn't suggest she go down this road. Her issue at the moment is proving to him she is a real slave and that he should give her the opportunity to prove herself. My issue with this is that he has punished her for for her originalmistake but continues to do so. He seems to almost be holding a grudge and that cant be healthy hence my run for the hills girl advice. She has NOTHING to prove to him, obviously an asshole, from what you have written. She must prove to herself she is who she is and not seek approval from an asshole who will emotionally execute her further.

RCdc -> RE: Lengthy punishment and treating like crap (10/22/2008 8:44:58 AM)
Hello Misst. Don't advise her anything, other than what you would do - don't second guess him in front of her. Don't get 'involved'. Why? Because no matter what you advise her, she won't accept it until she accepts that she can move on and not be dependant on him (which she is already showing signs of). The best you can do, is be there for her at the fall out - if there is any. Anymore than that, and you risk your friendship. the.dark.

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