Have a vanilla spouse who lets you have a Dom

Have a vanilla spouse who lets you have a Dom (Full Version)

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Nefric -> Have a vanilla spouse who lets you have a Dom (10/22/2008 7:45:01 AM)
I have posted this on the dom side of the board but am interested if any submissive have similar issues with there vanilla spouse. Below is what I post on the ask a Master/Mistress board... My wife is vanilla and knows about and has encouraged me to have fun with my more kinky side. I have found that there is a balancing of attention I have to do with my wife and any sub I have. My wife and marriage come before any playmate, and I have to make sure that my wife gets equal or more of my energy and attention. But then I do I have enough left to give a sub the attention that they require? Is there anyone in a similar situation with your spouse and what steps have you taken to keep things in balance.

sub4hire -> RE: Have a vanilla spouse who lets you have a Dom (10/22/2008 9:37:06 AM)
I know a few switches who have vanilla spouses. It works well. The single thing I recommend when people ask is be 100% truthful with your spouse about what you did. After all you were already truthful about going out to play in the first place. Why not finish the task? I've even been to play parties at their houses in the past. That way the spouse can see first hand what is going on.

Nefric -> RE: Have a vanilla spouse who lets you have a Dom (10/22/2008 10:23:44 AM)
Thanks for the insight sub4hire. I have talked with my wife about some the things I have done in the past, though she has said that she does not want any detail after I have a scene with a sub. She just wants to know if everyone had fun and if everything happened as all thought it would. She is not comfortable with so of the aspects of D/s so that is why she has asked for no details

DavanKael -> RE: Have a vanilla spouse who lets you have a Dom (10/22/2008 10:34:38 AM)
Hi, Nefric---- I can speak to this from a LDR and married position that was in my life a few years ago. My husband (Soon to be ex-) is very vanilla. I had a very substantial relationship with someone who was, in person, at an earlier time very dear to us and a big part of our lives (Not romantically) but we didn't start relating in a sexual way (He and I) until there was much geography between us. It was the first relationship in which I'd ever had an intentional D/s dynamic (I was on the D-side of the kneel there) and feelings for the person coupled with our mutual hunger forpowerdynamics made that a delicious dish I wanted as much of as possible. I also very much loved my husband and didn't lose sight of that. It became a fabulously executed balancing act of time split between my boys and I was immensely happy and I believe they were pretty darn satisfied, each in their own ways, as well. If you commit yourself to the energetic distributions you need to make, you can do it! Davan

Nefric -> RE: Have a vanilla spouse who lets you have a Dom (10/22/2008 11:06:49 AM)
Thanks DavanKael, I know one of the things my wife says about me is that i am a much happier person when I don't have to suppress and hide such a large part of who I am. It has been very empowering and liberating just being able to talk openly about my needs and desires in this area with her, and here on CM.

softpjOS -> RE: Have a vanilla spouse who lets you have a Dom (10/22/2008 12:58:23 PM)
i am married to a wonderful vanilla husband (21 years) and have served a Mistress for the past 6 years. The "trick" is finding the balance, communicating, LISTENING, communcating more and complete, upfront, total 100% honesty at all times and when you think you've said everything that needs to be said.... talk more. Mistress and my husband are best friends. They hunt, fish, work on projects and hang out together. He knows that She in no way intends to replace him, or threaten our marriage in any way. We all agree that family will always come first, no exceptions. As for balancing time/energy/attention between both of them, it took a long time to find that balance and while i was finding it... you guessed it... we all spent a lot of time talking... together. It's knowing both of them on a level that i can anticipate (most of the time) what they expect/want/need for time alone with me and seeing to it that i'm there. Learning to recognize if one is feeling slighted at all and shifting my focus a little or remembering to say thank you to them for being open and accepting me and allowing me the wonderful life i live. Taking time to do special little things for them as individuals so they never feel like my attention is a "group effort". Making special dinners where the main course may be his favorite, but dessert is Hers. Or surprising one or the other with a quiet dinner, just the two of us with every dish selected because it's something they love. Find their boundries and never ever cross them. Remain open to discussing scenes with your wife, allow her to decide how much info she wishes to have and respect her right to change her mind down the road. Offer to take her to events, munches and never stop offering to include her in things you do. Introduce her to lifestyle friends so she never feels like an outsider. It's your actions that will determine how open she remains. Good luck to you all :) pj

Sandyshores29718 -> RE: Have a vanilla spouse who lets you have a Dom (10/22/2008 2:52:51 PM)
fast reply As long as everyones needs are being met and everyone is happy then theres enough to go around. :-) A friend has loaned me a book called "The Ethical Slut" its a great read! Talks a lot about relationships and how to balance them, ect. You might want to look into reading it. I am in what most would call a poly relationship. I have a primary partner, my dom and he comes before anyone else. I have a female that I've been with once and we both know more will follow, but for us its more of a friendship with a little extra. As long as Sir's needs are met and hes happy and I can keep my friendship with the female in good order than theres enough to go around! What the secondary partner needs to understand is that your primary partner comes first. If they can understand that and live with it then everything should work out. Some people can't be a second, but there are a lot that perfer to be a second partner cause it allows them more freedom. It really all depends on how a relationship is set up in the begninng. Hope this has helped a little.

Zephyr46 -> RE: Have a vanilla spouse who lets you have a Dom (10/22/2008 3:18:14 PM)
I started out as a vanilla husband when I first married my wife. Over a period of time I discovered that she had a submissive side and was seeing a Dominant male. After some discussion about this, I realized that I was not meeting her needs and in the hope of "keeping her by letting her go" I continued to allow her to explore this side of her sexuality. It was during this time I realized that part of our relationship issues centered around the fact that we were both submissive and tended to fight for the bottom. I tried to follow her into the lifestyle by searching for a Domme so that together we might share the experience. At first this was with her permission. Later, She didn't seem to accept this... go figure... it was ok if she had a Dom but not ok if I had a Domme. Our relationship suffered. Poly, to her was a one way street... ok for her... not ok for me. The balance shifted even more when she would come back from a scene with her Dominant and extol his praises and what a wonderful Dom and lover he was. By comparison I was terrible. I continued to search for a Dominant Lady and after three failed attempts, I simply gave up and figured that this was not to be. I've reverted to vanilla life although I still enjoy logging on here and keeping track of what is going on in "the lifestyle". I still love my wife and wouldn't think of leaving her. I still support her desire to have Dominant Men in her life although our relationship is now more that of being friends and parents of our children

DelilahDeb -> RE: Have a vanilla spouse who lets you have a Dom (10/23/2008 8:11:21 PM)
It happens that I have one sub who is in this situation. His wife doesn't want to know. Because he travels for his day job (high-tech trainer), and has occasion to travel to my town a few times a year, his search on CM was for a domina in my area. We made connections here, met when he was here in the spring, and has made himself useful and fun during his visits. It's a good connection. I would prefer to be able to meet his wife on a vanilla basis, but circumstances prevent (it's 2,000 miles between our homes). It's a solution to the vanilla spouse; it's not ideal. Lady Delilah Deb

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