How do you spot a Dominant or submissive?

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How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/12/2005 2:58:28 PM

Sardaxia

Posts: 54
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline

I am always curious as to how many people out in the vanilla world are actually into the BDSM scene and how do you spot them. I work in a large, fairly well known electrical shop & have only once spotted a customer who might of been a sub (he was wearing a shirt and undone tie but you could clearly see a thick collar around his neck - I wish I had asked!)

I guess most people would want their private life kept, well - private. I for one though, (and there must be others) would love to tell all those 'in-the-know' what your persuasion is in a subtle way. Is there a secret dress code, symbol or something. It would be great to know - can anyone enlighten me?

Post #: 1

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/12/2005 3:21:02 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sardaxia

I am always curious as to how many people out in the vanilla world are actually into the BDSM scene and how do you spot them. I work in a large, fairly well known electrical shop & have only once spotted a customer who might of been a sub (he was wearing a shirt and undone tie but you could clearly see a thick collar around his neck - I wish I had asked!)

I guess most people would want their private life kept, well - private. I for one though, (and there must be others) would love to tell all those 'in-the-know' what your persuasion is in a subtle way. Is there a secret dress code, symbol or something. It would be great to know - can anyone enlighten me?

/shrug

I really could not say to tell the truth. I do know that when I met my late husband, I had no idea that he was such a sadistic dominant...there were no tell-tell signs that pointed to his life. But, on the other side, there was something about me that HE saw that told him who and what I was, and attracted him to that. But to put name to it or to pinpoint it down...I could not tell you.

And no, he never word jewelry of any kind, minus a wedding ring after we were married. His tattoos were all of a mystical theme, with no special meaning held to them.

(in reply to Sardaxia)

Post #: 2

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/12/2005 3:31:46 PM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

It's actually kind of interesting...there is someone in my professional life that I am not out to but that I think has a good idea of what I'm about. I half suspect he may have seen my profile either here or on alt (Hiyas J.K. if you are reading ;-))

A couple of discrete comments have been made about my alpha personality, a vague reference to him being handcuffed, and another vague reference to him liking high heels...

Quite honestly he'd make quite an adorable sub and it's fun to speculate and flirt just a little, but back in the real world, he IS a professional contact and he is decidedly not "available".

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to Sardaxia)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/12/2005 3:51:59 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

*chuckles*

In the mundane world of work and grocery shopping, I look admittedly unusual, but I've only had one person guess ONE of my secrets without there being a blatant expression (like when I wore a collar -all- the time, including to school, or when I was going through my elevation trials to become an Arbiter/Elder in my tradition and was required to keep a month of silence). The unusual aspect of my life that they figured out had nothing to do with my M/s life or my life in the poly or GLBT worlds -- it was my spiritual life that someone figured out, after doing Chi work with me in a yoga class... After class, she point-blank asked me if I was a monk, to which I replied in the affirmative. We talked a little about the order that I am Abbess of (it is a -very-, -very- small order, with no more than a handful of practiitioners in the United States... literally... I think there are 5 other active clergy in the States!), and went our separate ways.

I don't think that anyone who didn't know me would peg me as an owner of an indentured servant. I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't be able to guess off-hand that I am the spiritual matriarch of a poly household. I've never been secretive about it, but it just doesn't come up in conversation often. Heck, even with my shaved head and occasionally unusual dress (I -do- dress in ceremonial clothing on days that I hold sacred), this is the first time that I've ever even had someone ask about my spiritual direction, and that is, at least to me, much more obvious than any other aspect of my life.

I've always figured that people only see what they want to see. If you see me on the street, though, and you wonder about what I might be a part of, start a conversation... if we talk long enough, some phrase or comment will pop out and answer your question. *winks*

Lady Zephyr

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to Sardaxia)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/12/2005 5:01:15 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

The relationship I am in now, upon meeting. I had no idea he was going to be my Master one day. Though he knew after only a few weeks I was a submissive. He said it was in the way I answered him on certain things. The way I talked to others. He watched and observed to make sure. Before allowing me to know that he was a Dom.

Of course since finding this out, he has allowed me more freedom on showing him and a few others my submissive side. Even when we happen to be on line at same time playing games on yahoo in our "vanilla" names. (this is where we originally met) I'm careful not to cause a scene, but he allows me to still submit to him on line as well. Showing me off so to speak. But he'll IM me and let me know if I should back off and try not to freak out our fellow league players... LOL

As for meeting a Dom up front, I know I have met a few. But would never ask up front. It's been in the way address me, or responded to me. Being nice and friendly is one thing, but when you could swear they wanted to drop, (or drop you) to knees.... some are more obvious than others.

I had no idea I was showing a submissive side to MasterSinful. But he sure picked up on it and after the weeks of observing, he decided to grab the ball and run with it. It's been all up hill.. slowly but surely from there on.

< Message edited by truesub4u -- 12/12/2005 5:02:37 PM >

(in reply to LadiesBladewing)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/12/2005 5:22:20 PM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

How do I spot a Dominant or submissive????

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, submissive is easy, use bingo marker, makes lovely dots, or indelible marker so you can write "s a m i" on their butt.

A Dominant? I would use dressmaker's chalk, dry erase markers or something that comes off easily - avoid the leathers at all costs! They usually don't have as much skin showing, so spotting them isn't as much fun.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/12/2005 5:27:34 PM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

*chuckles* I guess I don't CARE who is what unless they are friends of mine or potential playmates. I don't care if the manager at the grocery store is dominant and whips his wife or if he is a slave and licks her boots as long as he provides me with the groceries I need.

I will admit to daydreaming about certain women I've met and wondering what they would look like on their knees with their head lowered in total submission........ but not enough to follow up in any way.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to Sardaxia)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/12/2005 5:50:26 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

You don't.

I mean you can try, and if you have good sub-day or dom-dar, you might get lucky.

But trust me, we could fill the boards with the number of subs who have been asked at parties if they are doms and the number of doms who have been asked at parties if they are sub.

The only real way to know is to ask.

(in reply to Sardaxia)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/12/2005 6:26:37 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

You know, in NYC I used to flag all the time and I continued for a couple of years after we moved to Indiana. Then I stopped cause no one here had a clue and when they'd ask and I'd tell them what flagging was and what my "flags" meant, they'd forget like *that*.

It just more tiring to flag and explain -- I'd rather just explain.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Sardaxia)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/12/2005 7:29:01 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

I've only had one person in my nilla life guess that I'm in a D/s relationship & guess what come to find out I'd made friends with another Domme through work and didn't know it. The reality is we all get out and about. Locating others is sometimes just under your nose.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/12/2005 7:51:38 PM

MsIncognito

Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline

For myself I don't feel the need to wear my bdsm orientation on my sleeve (subtlely or not) for all to see but some people do. You might want to see if you can find a necklace or other piece of jewellery with the triskele symbol. I'm sure there are plenty of sites where you can get one.

Just as an aside you can never really tell if someone is into bdsm or not unless they come out and tell you. I work with someone who has a bar code tattooed on the back of his neck. Must be a slave, you say? Nope. He had it tattooed with the numbers that represent his birthdate for a birthday one year. I, on the other hand, am the model of the suburban soccer mom, mini-van and all. You just can never tell.

(in reply to Sardaxia)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/13/2005 11:23:41 AM

AbstractSavant

Posts: 149
Joined: 6/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

You know, in NYC I used to flag all the time and I continued for a couple of years after we moved to Indiana. Then I stopped cause no one here had a clue and when they'd ask and I'd tell them what flagging was and what my "flags" meant, they'd forget like *that*.

It just more tiring to flag and explain -- I'd rather just explain.

This amuses me and I totally identify. My Master got into a habit in his teen years of wearing his keys on the right side of his pants. Well, we all know what THAT means, and why whenever we go to a high protocol event, I offer to carry his keys in my purse.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/13/2005 11:32:41 AM

Marquisd

Posts: 61
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

Hi Sardaxia.

As I was reading the post a couple things came to mind for me to share.

What if you meet someone that is a switch? wouldn't that be harder to allocate into a group.

Secondly, I am always a little bit shuddering if someone tries to put a lable on me. Having said that - a while ago at the munches you would wear a wristband or hankerchief on the left side if you are Top and on the right for a bottom. Then those are BDSM events.

In my experience the better you get to know a person the easier it is to talk about kink and ones preferences. Eventually it will come up in a conversation with friends. And if they are not kinky - then at least you have made a friend, if not a kinky one.

cheers

Marquisd

_____________________________

Relationships develop at the speed of trust

"Official Sadist and Dom of the 2010 Winter Games"

(in reply to Sardaxia)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/13/2005 11:53:57 AM

Saint

Posts: 279
Status: offline

A Domme friend of mine who is a lawyer, once said that she could tell if one of her clients was Dominant or submissive simply by telling them to have a seat when they first come into her office. She said that she would simply smile at them, meet their eyes and tell them cordially to have a seat and if the person was of a Dominant personality, they would hesitate for a split second like they were making their mind up, then sit down. And if they were submissive by nature, they would immediately take the seat with no hesitation.

(in reply to Sardaxia)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/13/2005 11:58:36 AM

nephandi

Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline

Hehe nice though i have a feeling it would not always work.

(in reply to Saint)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/13/2005 12:12:57 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AbstractSavant

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

You know, in NYC I used to flag all the time and I continued for a couple of years after we moved to Indiana. Then I stopped cause no one here had a clue and when they'd ask and I'd tell them what flagging was and what my "flags" meant, they'd forget like *that*.

It just more tiring to flag and explain -- I'd rather just explain.

This amuses me and I totally identify. My Master got into a habit in his teen years of wearing his keys on the right side of his pants. Well, we all know what THAT means, and why whenever we go to a high protocol event, I offer to carry his keys in my purse.

At conventions and kink events I'll still flag a bit though usually women there know me or have heard of me or can see me next to my slave or my book and figure out my orientation out a bit from the context.

Only places my leather pride necklace has any value anymore. In NYC I could wear them anywhere and it likely someone knew what they meant and would come up to me and say "hey, I'm into that too".

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to AbstractSavant)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/13/2005 12:50:27 PM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

A Dom friend of mine told me to look for the Man, casually dressed, surrounded by women vying for His attention. The guy in leathers smacking His hand with a flogger is apparently not the one to look for.

candystripper

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 17

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/13/2005 2:11:50 PM

Sardaxia

Posts: 54
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline

It amazes me there was not a string of definate answers on my question like 'Oh yeah, a yellow band/tie/socks (or whatever) is the dead give away'..

It appears in BSDM circles there seems to be a lot of communication between people onwhat to do and how to do it etc. so I'm surprised after all the years of it there's nothing thats common knowledge. The flag thing and wristband on right hand thing sounds interesting. Funny, I've always worn a bootlace around my right wrist - must be a natural and didn't know it

I'm fairly new to this site but the feedback from my posts is incredible here! Thanks all, I feel very at home

I'm off to check out triskele symbols ...hehe

< Message edited by Sardaxia -- 12/13/2005 2:12:52 PM >

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 18

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/13/2005 2:34:46 PM

MissA

Posts: 192
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

I don't outwardly show of BDSM either I suppose (of course what exactly does that mean?). The very very few people who have discovered that part of me have all been shocked but then again they all thought of it in stereotypical terms before I enlightened them *G*. The reason I responded however was because just a few days ago through another BDSM personals site I was contacted by a male submissive and while conversing discovered that not only do we attend the same college, we have seen each other many times. You just never know...

~Ms. A~

_____________________________

Life is not measured in the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away ~Author Unknown~
My Domain

(in reply to Sardaxia)

Post #: 19

RE: How do you spot a Dominant or submissive? - 12/13/2005 2:49:12 PM

MadameDahlia

Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline

Upon first meeting me many people think I'm a sixteen-year-old, straight virgin. All of that is a bunch of hooey.

Upon first meeting me many people think that I'm innocent, almost to the point of being naïve. When I was working at a gym the owner of the gym would urge a patron of the gym to refrain from using the word 'sex' anywhere near me. She feared that I would run away and hide while blushing.

I'm quiet... introspective... and completely disinterested in tossing my weight around in a first meeting with anyone.

I am civil if I do not have a good feeling about the person and I'm polite if I genuinely enjoy the company of the other person. The way I act toward someone will gradually morph should I get to know them better.

However some people will wear collars or symbols. Some people will have necklaces with little handcuff charms. Some people might be on leashes, being led about by another. In California those things are not often loudly met with scorn - unless of course the time and place are truly inappropriate. So perhaps you can discern a person's interest in the Lifestyle from time to time... but I doubt there is any hard or fast rule.

_____________________________

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

"Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away."

(in reply to MissA)

Post #: 20

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