This slaves struggle to share her position (Full Version)

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sorrynobsownsme -> This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 4:53:04 AM)

  Is it fair for a slave to not want a sister slave?  I have lived with my owner for nearly six months.  He doesn't want to start looking in a few years because he thinks it will take a few years to find another.  I have been open minded, in my opinion and I have caught glimpses of the assets to another live in.  I don't think there is somethign wrong with having a toy or a friend that comes around.  There are just parts of my life I only wish to share with him.

The time and effort he spends getting to know soemone else he could be spending on fine tuning us.  We have talked about it multiple times.  I try to keep him up on how I feel with it all.  One of the things he says when we talk about it is that I agreed and chose it.  I don't feel like you can really know prior to consenting to a situation what it entails.  All I knew before I joined his side and since I took my place beside him is that I can't be without him.  I am not sure time is going to help this situation or not.  I have to be prepared that it will not.  I try to not take it personaly but I find it difficult when spending time with me is passed up for the "search".  I have my cake finaly and now I just want to eat it too :P  I don't want him to have another slave so.. is that selfish?  I want to be his one and only slave, but that isn't my choice. 



KatyLied -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 5:06:43 AM)

Why isn't it your choice?  If the relationship is not meeting your needs you can walk away from it.  You have to decide what sort of dynamic fits you.  It is possible that he is simply wired for poly and you are not.  



SailingBum -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 5:08:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sorrynobsownsme

Is it fair for a slave to not want a sister slave?  I have lived with my owner for nearly six months.  He doesn't want to start looking in a few years because he thinks it will take a few years to find another.  I have been open minded, in my opinion and I have caught glimpses of the assets to another live in.  I don't think there is somethign wrong with having a toy or a friend that comes around.  There are just parts of my life I only wish to share with him.

The time and effort he spends getting to know soemone else he could be spending on fine tuning us.  We have talked about it multiple times.  I try to keep him up on how I feel with it all.  One of the things he says when we talk about it is that I agreed and chose it.  I don't feel like you can really know prior to consenting to a situation what it entails.  All I knew before I joined his side and since I took my place beside him is that I can't be without him.  I am not sure time is going to help this situation or not.  I have to be prepared that it will not.  I try to not take it personaly but I find it difficult when spending time with me is passed up for the "search".  I have my cake finaly and now I just want to eat it too :P  I don't want him to have another slave so.. is that selfish?  I want to be his one and only slave, but that isn't my choice. 


ketsee  I didnt see a question but of course I have a comment either A Stop whining and deal.  B Dump the guy and then you can whine about that.  One piece of sage advice.  Look before you leap.

BadOne



KatyLied -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 5:09:32 AM)

quote:

One piece of sage advice.  Look before you leap.


Nah.  It would be boring around here if people did that.   [;)]



soul2share -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 5:09:59 AM)

When you entered into the relationship, was anything said about the probability of it becoming a poly relationship?  If not, then my first thought would be that you didn't agree to a "sister slave".  Personally, I wouldn't want another involved, I am a one man woman, and expect the same from him.  While some may think that a second slave would be beneficial, think half the "work" of serving, I don't.  I just see too many problems.....jealousy being my biggest one.....I don't share well.

Discussion about the subject is good, at least you are allowed that much.  Realistically, preaparing for the scenario that time may not change things is also good......I'm a firm believer in "prepare for the worst", if it happens, then I'm not totally knocked for a loop, if it doesn't, well nothing was lost.

Selfish?  Nope...I know what I want, and am not going to settle or compromise my own standards.  Is this the first M/s relationship you've had?  Make sure what you're going thru isn't "sub frenzy".....I got caught up with it early on, and got hurt big time.  I know you're probably looking for a Master's opinion, but this is just my .05 from a sub's point of view. 

Good luck with this situation.  Really, I'm not being sarcastic, but sincere......this works for some, the decision to make is will it work for YOU? 



jezzabelle -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 5:12:40 AM)

Of course it's fair for you to not want a sister slave.  You can't help how you feel.  However, if you knew going into this relationship that your Master was eventually going to seek another, then there's really not much you can do about it.  You really only have one of two choices....you can decide to leave the relationship and find someone that wants a monogamous relationship also, or you can stay and accept it.

By the way, it might be better asking this question in the Polyamorous Lifestyle section (as well as read some of the threads in there).



SailingBum -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 5:13:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

One piece of sage advice.  Look before you leap.


Nah.  It would be boring around here if people did that.   [;)]



Like ppl take the advice anywho.

BadOne



califsue -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 5:41:21 AM)

Being in a new relationship and all the dynamics that occur can be challenging at times. Some Master's share, some don't, some have only one slave but will play with others sub. I think it does take time to find another that is compatible for both partners. Reading the poly boards would probably be helpful. Some people can handle a poly situation and for others it does not work. Whether he was upfront before you moved in with him about him being poly only matters if you originally accepted it and now you have issues about it. At this time, communication is the key in determining and deciding if he is meeting your needs and whether or not you can do a poly situation. There are several successful poly families who post on the boards.



Rover -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 6:18:38 AM)

Everyone has choices to make in life.  In this instance, there is a cascade of choices....
 
First, you decide if you can accept a poly relationship.  It's only fair to tell him beforehand whether you can or can't, so he can make a decision with all the available information.
 
Then he decides whether he will bring another into the relationship.
 
Then you decide whether to accept it, or move on.
 
This really isn't a complicated or difficult decision making process.  What makes it difficult or complicated is when two people have differing needs, but you're searching for a decison in which both can be satisfied (newsflash... it ain't gonna happen).
 
Bottom line is that poly is either a limit of yours or it's not.  And poly is either a need of his or it's not.  Competing limits and needs are like oil and water.
 
John



leadership527 -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 6:47:16 AM)

I'll go you one further John. The other reason that this sort of simple problem becomes complicated is that the participants are trying to resolve the problem working behind one or more fantasy layers rather than dealing directly with the actual relationship at hand.

Is it fair for a slave... Right off the bat, this problem would be a lot easier if we got it out of fantasy land and reworded it properly... Is it fair for ME... This gets worse when the OP gets lost in hyperbole... ...All I know... [after a whopping 6 total months]... is that I can't be without him. Really? Then if he died, she would commit suicide also?

The whole question would be so much simpler if it was just worded accurately..

"During the 'honeymoon period', our first 6 months together, when by all rights I should be ridiculously happy, my lover is doing something which is making me nuts and he won't listen to me when I tell him so. Should I leave him?"

At that point, the answer obviously becomes "yes". I cannot for the life of me imagine what difference it would make to that answer if the people in question were vanilla, D/s, M/s, or B/s.



tsatske -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 6:55:41 AM)

Everything everyone here has said is true - pay esp. attention to the poster above me, one smart cookie!

Please know, even if your Master is right that it will take years to find someone -
The time and effort put into the search are considerable, and if you are not enthusastic about it, you are going to resent that.
Years is an average - he could find someone next week.
While searching, there is a constant emotional up and down - someone looks like IT! - then they are not.
If you are not enthusastic, who does he share this with? how does this rollercoaster effect your relationship?

There are reasons that many poly's (no, of course not all) make it a rule to put a one year hiatus on searching after getting into a new relationship - rather the first one or subsequent ones. Of course, exceptions are made, by necesity, when the 'when it rains it pours' syndrome catches up with you and you find two or three at once that work out. Not often, but, this thing is unpredictable.

If you are not ready for somoene new, because you need to spend more time fine tuning your couple hood - you are not ready to be searching.

Some Masters are just addicted to the hunt. They can't get offline, even when they have found the one.

In my first poly relationship, my Master was very much like that. I was very enthusastic about having sisters - but the first sister he lured there was not really poly. She was trying hard to be, for us, but it wasn't working well. She specifically asked him to take a break from searching. He promised he would. He didn't - not even a week, after he promised her a year.

No wonder she bleew her top. No wonder she left us. No wonder I am no longer with him.

Is this really about wanting a second for him - or is this really about the thrill of the hunt?



natasha66 -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 6:58:33 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

The whole question would be so much simpler if it was just worded accurately..

"During the 'honeymoon period', our first 6 months together, when by all rights I should be ridiculously happy, my lover is doing something which is making me nuts and he won't listen to me when I tell him so. Should I leave him?"

At that point, the answer obviously becomes "yes". I cannot for the life of me imagine what difference it would make to that answer if the people in question were vanilla, D/s, M/s, or B/s.


If it were me in this, and i cannot stand not being listened to and having my feelings validated, i would be out the door.  D/s or not - it's not relevant.



Rover -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 7:02:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

I'll go you one further John. The other reason that this sort of simple problem becomes complicated is that the participants are trying to resolve the problem working behind one or more fantasy layers rather than dealing directly with the actual relationship at hand.


Building upon that....
 
How about it becomes more complicated when people begin talking to "us", rather than each other.  Is it because they're not listening to one another?  Or because they're looking for ammunition for the coming arguement ("all the folks at CollarMe said you're wrong and blah, blah, blah")? 
 
John



leadership527 -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 7:06:43 AM)

*laughs* Yeah that too.

Maybe we need to come up with the post with the "Ultimate Answer to your question".... we should be able to get about 80% of the questions that show up here in one generic response I'm guessing.



OsideGirl -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 7:38:26 AM)

Well, I'll start with the first question that popped into my mind: Why didn't you discuss/negotiate this before you became his slave?

Next: If poly isn't for you, I would advise ending the relationship. If he gets his way, you'll resent him and be miserable. If you get your way, he'll resent you and be angry.

Finally: Poly only works when everyone in the relationship is secure within their positions. A six month relationship rarely fulfills that requirement and you certainly don't sound like you feel secure about what's going on in your relationship.



SailingBum -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 8:52:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Well, I'll start with the first question that popped into my mind: Why didn't you discuss/negotiate this before you became his slave?

Next: If poly isn't for you, I would advise ending the relationship. If he gets his way, you'll resent him and be miserable. If you get your way, he'll resent you and be angry.

Finally: Poly only works when everyone in the relationship is secure within their positions. A six month relationship rarely fulfills that requirement and you certainly don't sound like you feel secure about what's going on in your relationship.


Quote from the OP "One of the things he says when we talk about it is that I agreed and chose it.  I don't feel like you can really know prior to consenting to a situation what it entails"

That kinda was my point she has already agreed to it.  I read it as she knew this going into the relationship.  If I am mistaken I retract my first post.
 
BadOne



CalifChick -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 10:31:09 AM)

It is no crime to say, "I thought I could do this, but I can't."  The crime is when the other person tries to guilt you into it, or manipulate you into it, by saying, "but you agreed, so you have no room to complain now."

My ex husband was an expert at that.  Our marriage counselor told him that he was unrealistic and immature if he refused to see that sometimes the reality is different than what we thought it would be.


Cali



barelynangel -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 10:46:43 AM)

To the OP:

I have a question, is it fair for you the OP to decide after the fact that you don't want what you claimed to be okay with prior to entering the relationship and now are using your misgivings to attempt to manipulate the situation by "talking about how you feel now" not top work out your issues with it but in an attempt to have him change his mind?  It seems to me that while you may have an open mind, you technically are closing your mind to this just by how your post reads.

This to me is very important fact here:

quote:

One of the things he says when we talk about it is that I agreed and chose it


Is it fair to your Master to now have a slave HE has been with for 6 months to have issues with something it seems from your post you spoke about?  It may or may not be in your mind, but to me, if you are trying to use your time with him and your decision you want him all to yourself and that any attention he gives someone else is taking away from you as a reason for him to change the plans he has had from the beginning -- to me that is manipulation, and no matter how this turns out, i would really go back over your prior discussions before you were claimed and see if you were just agreeing thinking you would utilize yourself as a tool to get him to change his mind after you are claimed about something you never really wanted.

The fairness to me goes both ways.  He isn't harming you, he isn't manipulating you, he is doing what he stated he was planning to do.  Is it fair for you to now decide you want to change what he understood your relationship would be because you want YOUR cake and to eat it too.  By saying this it implies you think you alone are HIS cake that he should eat it too and be damn happy with it.  But from what you stated, you knew from the beginning you alone were not his cake.

Based on your comments, i think its wise he gets annother NOW versus later when you have had years with him alone and he has grown use to your being with him.  Better to know now before he spends a couple years training you and investing his time in you that you have your own agenda that isn't quite what you agreed too before he claimed you.

You have some choices to make, but i think the biggest one you have to make is to be honest with yourself on your agenda with regard to this situation from before you were claimed.  It isn't a crime to be unsure of something unknown, but you need to be honest now, whether or not you ever really agreed to it, or did you just say you did because you wanted to be his?  Many women do this, they agree just to agree and get on with the claiming and then they believe they will change the Man and what he wants to what she actually wanted all along.  It doesn't work that way.  Once you are honest, perhaps you both can work from there and he may decide to work things differently or he can make the decision you are not what he wants to keep because you never intended to go along with what he set out as the plan, or you may decide to leave because you have found what he wants is not what you want, if you ever did.

Good luck.

angel



burntcynder -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 10:50:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sorrynobsownsme

Is it fair for a slave to not want a sister slave?  I have lived with my owner for nearly six months.  He doesn't want to start looking in a few years because he thinks it will take a few years to find another.  I have been open minded, in my opinion and I have caught glimpses of the assets to another live in.  I don't think there is somethign wrong with having a toy or a friend that comes around.  There are just parts of my life I only wish to share with him.

The time and effort he spends getting to know soemone else he could be spending on fine tuning us.  We have talked about it multiple times.  I try to keep him up on how I feel with it all.  One of the things he says when we talk about it is that I agreed and chose it.  I don't feel like you can really know prior to consenting to a situation what it entails.  All I knew before I joined his side and since I took my place beside him is that I can't be without him.  I am not sure time is going to help this situation or not.  I have to be prepared that it will not.  I try to not take it personaly but I find it difficult when spending time with me is passed up for the "search".  I have my cake finaly and now I just want to eat it too :P  I don't want him to have another slave so.. is that selfish?  I want to be his one and only slave, but that isn't my choice. 


Three things i noticed in this post ..."you asked is it fair to the slave" That has different answers depending on the situaton.  Had it come as a surprise after being with your owner for six months, i would say no.  You state that at some point you agreed and even chose this. Ok so i am thinking there was no surprise, negating the first answer. Is it fair to have to stay in a relationship that isnt going your way, no. Leave and find someone who has the same ideals as yourself.

What i havent seen adressed, is how fair is this to your owner.   You agreed to and "chose" to be a part of a poly relationship.  The timing wasnt to your liking and furthermore you have decided after 6 months you had changed your mind.  Is this "fair" to Him?  

This to me is a very good example of why time and exploration should be invested in before concenting to a collar. To be "FAIR" to everyone involved!


cyn 



AMaster -> RE: This slaves struggle to share her position (10/24/2008 11:04:24 AM)

Just my personal opinion:  if a DOM has one good slave, that should be all that is necessary.



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