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Confused - 12/12/2005 7:48:41 PM

neverusedsub

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/10/2005
Status: offline

Ok, So I have no real life experience in the world of BDSM but am familiar with most terms, or so I hope. My question is more about this site. I've written to a few dommes whos profiles seem to indicate they would be interested in a subject like myself but have gotten no responce though the emails show as received. I've tried to keep the messages as short as possible, assuming that if a Mistress is interested she will reply, assuming that a submissive writing a lengthy email detailing him/herself will appear as though they do not know their place.
Am I going about this backwards? Should I adopt a submissive attitude only after a Mistress has decided to train me instead of assuming it at all times, even in online communication as I have been doing? Should I rely on my profile to introduce my interests enough to warrant a responce, and then go into details after a correspondence has begun? or should I start right off with a detailed letter? Thank you to any and all who take the time to read this.
-Never Used Sub

Post #: 1

RE: Confused - 12/12/2005 8:15:54 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

There is a HUGE difference between introducing yourself and saying Hi I'm a life support system for fetish(es). Dommes like to know who you are, what skills you bring to the table, all of this with a dash of submission and respect. Dommes don't like to be thought of as life support systems for a whip. We are real people with thoughts and ideas. What one hates will be the skill of another's dreams. Knowing who you are & what you have to offer are the first steps, be wary of the line between confidence and arrogance. There is a Domme out there for you but as in nilla world it's a matter of waiting until they arrive.

(in reply to neverusedsub)

Post #: 2

RE: Confused - 12/12/2005 10:43:34 PM

TeeGO

Posts: 451
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline

The stark reality of the situation for a submissive male is that there are about 25 male subs to every one Female Dominant. SO you have to sell yourself. Start with RESPECT. Don't go groveling in introducing yourself. Be positive and explain why YOU would make a good sub for them. But the trick of course is to not come off sounding arrogant but rather humble. Be yourself, be interesting, and show some intelligence.

How NOT to do it:

"Ma'am, this humble worthless slave desires you to punish me. I await your summons."

(in reply to neverusedsub)

Post #: 3

RE: Confused - 12/12/2005 11:10:20 PM

MsPurrmeow

Posts: 261
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline

If you were responding to my profile, I'd say that you should not assume you are submissive unless or until we agree together that we even have some sort of dynamic. Talk to me as a person that has a heart and a mind worthy of a response. If you are playing the role too heavily, you are obligating me to respond in kind, and that's pretty egotistical. I'm also much more likely to respond to a few earnestly-written paragraphs about yourself rather than one or two short sentences begging for my time.

Your profile pretty much just talks about your play demands without anything you are willing to provide in return. That being the case, your approach needs to indicate a LOT about who you are as a person and give some indication that a real-life conversation can actually take place.

Keep in mind that if one approach doesn't work, try it differently. Don't get jaded, this is how learning works. Most importantly really READ the profiles of the ladies you are addressing. You will get a sense of who they are, what they want, and what they are willing to tolerate. If you REALLY want to know more, read their posts in these forums as well. This forum makes it very easy to learn about other members, and that is of value to you.

Go for it. Good luck.

(in reply to neverusedsub)

Post #: 4

RE: Confused - 12/13/2005 4:13:49 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

I specifically don't bother to respond to one liner emails, just as I don't respond to emails that are sexually explicit. But then, I have instructions on my profile that indicate a couple paragraphs about the person are appropriate, and laundry lists of fetishes are not.

Look at it this way - if you don't give the domme some reason to be interested in you and respond, she's really not going to.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to neverusedsub)

Post #: 5

RE: Confused - 12/13/2005 5:59:15 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

Bravo MsPurrmeow! Yes! the real person side! That is what gets My attention--and I totally agree that unless there is an agreement that the dynamic exists one is not submissive nor is one Dominant and as a wise sub once said, just because you are a Domme, does not mean you are the Domme for Me---However, I am currently trying to find a Mistress for a sub I know well and I will tell you that of the Mistress' contacted, only one had the grace to even respond-- and I'm one of Them!---so it isnt you, its poor social skills----forget them and move on--you will find the right One--and welcome to CM and the boards--

edited for clarity of thought

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 12/13/2005 6:00:29 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to MsPurrmeow)

Post #: 6

RE: Confused - 12/13/2005 6:21:35 AM

Cloudz

Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

Go with the lengthy email. It may spark an interest that a short one liner never could.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to neverusedsub)

Post #: 7

RE: Confused - 12/13/2005 6:35:29 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

I'll echo what others have said.

Write a longer message but don't just focus on yourself.

This does not mean that the person will be interested but it may encourage her to respond.

This morning I had a note from a man not far from where I live. It was well written, talked about himself in terms of his newbie status his work and what he valued in a relationship. It was a wonderful letter and if this were two years ago, I'd be tempted to continue talking.

However, currently I am so busy that newbies are too much of a time commitment for me. I really need someone who knows their limits and has some experience to bring to me. So I very politely told him AND offered some suggestions on how to get involved in the various kinky events and groups in Indiana (where we both live).

So his well thought out note got what I hope was a well thought out response that was also honest. I don't like leading people on.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to neverusedsub)

Post #: 8

RE: Confused - 12/13/2005 8:03:19 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

let Me also add it from the Mistress side---I cannot tell you before I met boy--how many subs would beg Me to speak or IM Me--I would grant that permission and be very clear about My schedules and when I am available--then 1-2 days of pursuit and nothing----zilch, nada---so when you start communicating, have the courtesy if you lose interest to send a note stating such---we are all big people, we can take it---

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 9

RE: Confused - 12/13/2005 1:37:48 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

I like your profile in that it states clearly what you are open to and willing to be/do. For women like me, you wouldn't work, but keep sending respectful emails introducing yourself as a person, and get to know her as a lady, and you will hopefully come to meet the right person for you.
Good luck, M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to neverusedsub)

Post #: 10

RE: Confused - 12/14/2005 2:59:38 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

This morning I had a note from a man not far from where I live. It was well written, talked about himself in terms of his newbie status his work and what he valued in a relationship. It was a wonderful letter and if this were two years ago, I'd be tempted to continue talking.

If I receive an email like the above, that is well written but the person just won't fit with me, I will also pass that email on to Domme friends who I think may work better for that person, if I know that Domme is looking.

On more than one occasion that has resulted in a friend of mine meeting up with someone that worked better for them than myself.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 11

RE: Confused - 12/14/2005 10:25:46 AM

MissA

Posts: 192
Joined: 6/19/2004
Status: offline

I agree with most here, although you did take the time to fill out your profile, a surprisingly difficult task for some, it doesn't state enough of what you are going to offer a Domme. You've stuck in a couple of specific scenarios and I know at least I don't like being expected to play out a scripted fantasy for a submissive. I recommend you spend some time thinking about what it is you have to offer and re-vamp your profile accordingly.

On an aside talking about the messages we all get, yesterday I recieved a message from a sub with "sissyslut" in his name. I said thanks but no thanks seeing as how that's not one of my interests. So I recieve another message stating that being a sissy slut isn't important for him and he can live without it so long as he gets played (see: "Any Domme will do! Just play me!"). *Eye Roll*

Moral of the story - desperation does not a desirable submissive make.

~Ms. A~

_____________________________

Life is not measured in the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away ~Author Unknown~
My Domain

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 12

RE: Confused - 12/14/2005 7:04:44 PM

MizSuz

Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Among the many things I abhor when a submissive writes me:

1. I hate it when they assume I want to know about their kink and fetish desires before I even know their real name, much less who they are. I don't want to know that shit anymore than the chick you bump into at the grocery stores wants to know the length of your tongue. When I want to talk about fetishes I'll let you know, in the meantime common courtesy (that's right, we don't abandon common courtesy just because we're into BDSM) dictates that you keep the conversation light. I won't be 'led' into a conversation about kink, either. Let her set the pace, you'll thank yourself later.

2. I hate being approached as if I were a 'potential play mate.' It's not about how much plummage you can fluff to 'get' me. Approach me like a human being, let me get to know you the human. If there's any spark I'll let you know. If you're chewing your pillow waiting for the sign - you're not getting the intended over all tone of "getting to know you." Better to focus on quality human interactions for the sake of quality interactions and let something grow from that if at all.

3. My personal feelings about 'submissiveness' when approaching are this: If you'll give your submission to anyone who might be willing to acknowledge you and it, I don't want it. Keep it because it leaves me cold. As I mentioned in number 1 above - common courtesy and good manners generally suit most situations and will get my attention faster than ((on my knees before the keyboard of your goddessness)) ever will. Holding back on the submission until you've taken the time to get to know someone to learn a bit about whether it'd be a good idea to submit to them or not will earn my respect. Fauning over me without knowing me will earn my contempt.

4. "Hello Mistress, how are you" as the totality of an introductory email leaves me thinking "why bother?" Read my profile, if something in it sparks your interest then introduce yourself and strike up a conversation about that. Trust me, I've heard "you have nice eyes" and "your pictures are wonderful." Did you also notice that I enjoy scifi and hate to shop?

Finally, if someone doesn't respond to you they've saved you wasted time. Just move along.

But that's just me.

_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to neverusedsub)

Post #: 13

RE: Confused - 12/15/2005 3:39:17 PM

Pele

Posts: 3
Joined: 12/6/2005
Status: offline

I am pretty new to this site too. I have noticed that I get a lot of pm-s. So I would guess that whomever said that there are more male subs than female Dommes gave an extreamly accurate statement. I try to respond to them, letting them know I am new and need some time to get to know this site and the people on it slowly.
My only advice is 'different strokes for different folks'. Be patient and hopefully you will find the right Domme for you.

_____________________________

"Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair.
And I eat men like air." ...Sylvia Plath

(in reply to MizSuz)

Post #: 14

RE: Confused - 12/15/2005 8:34:44 PM

LuvSponge

Posts: 109
Joined: 4/11/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: neverusedsub

Ok, So I have no real life experience in the world of BDSM but am familiar with most terms, or so I hope. My question is more about this site. I've written to a few dommes whos profiles seem to indicate they would be interested in a subject like myself but have gotten no responce though the emails show as received. I've tried to keep the messages as short as possible, assuming that if a Mistress is interested she will reply, assuming that a submissive writing a lengthy email detailing him/herself will appear as though they do not know their place.
Am I going about this backwards? Should I adopt a submissive attitude only after a Mistress has decided to train me instead of assuming it at all times, even in online communication as I have been doing? Should I rely on my profile to introduce my interests enough to warrant a responce, and then go into details after a correspondence has begun? or should I start right off with a detailed letter? Thank you to any and all who take the time to read this.
-Never Used Sub

Wow!!! What a great post.

I can't speak for all subs, but I can speak for myself and I just wanna say...that post ROCKED!

I copied the whole thing just in case someone down the line didn't see the OP. I loved it.

In very few paragraphs, this guy said it all. Here's my thoughts:

Keep trying.

Always remember there are (at last count) 9,727,431 subs to every Domme (or Dom...on average), so you've got a bit of an uphill climb.

Keep in mind that while I don't run those counts every day...if I did, they'd show that the Dommes are winning.

Know that no matter how hard you try, you'll never understand Dommes.

And most importantly (this is big), you'll never win. (And I should add, you can have the bank behind you all the way....you're still fucked).

That is what it's like searching for a Domme that will make you smile every day you breath air....but....

Here's my promise;

If you find her, you'll never want for anything else in life.

(And if you do...promise me one thing; you'll ask if she has a sister).

:)

_____________________________

No matter if you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right.

(Unless of course she tells you otherwise).

(in reply to neverusedsub)

Post #: 15

RE: Confused - 12/15/2005 9:52:50 PM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
Joined: 11/19/2005
From: from iowa..now in wisconsin
Status: offline

welllllllllllllllllllllll

1st
a lot of dommes just don't answer each and every mail
and some dont answer at all
some are too finicky
i had one tell me she wouldn't talk to me coz i was being silly and talked to her in my hillbilly storylines...i figured she can get glad as fast as she got mad
i think she got over it and w/o knowing me no less

i understand your frustration
honestly i really do
been there
but take heart-- Ms Right WILL pop up when you least expect Her to..please trust me on that.

happy holidays

_____________________________

drugs sex and rock n roll,...drugs are good and so is the rock n roll, sex is over rated"
=============
"go straight to hell, do not pass go and do not collect $200"

(in reply to neverusedsub)

Post #: 16

RE: Confused - 12/15/2005 9:58:18 PM

michaelGA

Posts: 1194
Status: offline

imagine trying to find someone right in your own city only to meet up with, "don't write me again, thanks"

it's like some people aren't interested in someone close enough to have regular activities with.

but this is the way things are, especially here in Columbus, GA

(in reply to neverusedsub)

Post #: 17

RE: Confused - 12/16/2005 6:02:23 AM

FTopinMichigan

Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelGA

imagine trying to find someone right in your own city only to meet up with, "don't write me again, thanks"

it's like some people aren't interested in someone close enough to have regular activities with.

but this is the way things are, especially here in Columbus, GA

Imagine....that two people have nothing in common, regarding "interests"....

Imagine...that the lady you're contacting has recently become involved with someone...

Imagine...your introductory e-mail wasn't at all what she expected, or wanted, and she was being honest by telling you not to bother with continuing to make contact. You'd be saving your time, and hers.

Imagine....she's just not into you.

Close proximity doesn't obligate someone to get involved. It doesn't warrant an immediate meeting, because of one thing in common...you're near.

I too would enjoy meeting someone near to me, but unfortunately have found those "closest" are those that are the furthest away...from sharing my interests/desires, etc.

As a suggestion, if you're local contacts aren't going well, you might not judge the entire community at large, but rather look internally.

K

(in reply to michaelGA)

Post #: 18

RE: Confused - 12/16/2005 8:45:59 AM

TeeGO

Posts: 451
Joined: 12/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FTopinMichigan

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelGA

imagine trying to find someone right in your own city only to meet up with, "don't write me again, thanks"

it's like some people aren't interested in someone close enough to have regular activities with.

but this is the way things are, especially here in Columbus, GA

Imagine....that two people have nothing in common, regarding "interests"....

Imagine...that the lady you're contacting has recently become involved with someone...

Imagine...your introductory e-mail wasn't at all what she expected, or wanted, and she was being honest by telling you not to bother with continuing to make contact. You'd be saving your time, and hers.

Imagine....she's just not into you.

Close proximity doesn't obligate someone to get involved. It doesn't warrant an immediate meeting, because of one thing in common...you're near.

I too would enjoy meeting someone near to me, but unfortunately have found those "closest" are those that are the furthest away...from sharing my interests/desires, etc.

As a suggestion, if you're local contacts aren't going well, you might not judge the entire community at large, but rather look internally.

K

Hehee

How can you not love hearing a Dominant Female putting an out of line sub male in his place. Well, at least I love it.

neverusedsub - there is another fine example of how NOT to get a Domme attention. Whiny little complaints about things not going the way YOU want.

(Edited for typo correction.)

< Message edited by TeeGO -- 12/16/2005 8:47:34 AM >

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)

Post #: 19

RE: Confused - 12/16/2005 4:14:04 PM

AquarianButerfly

Posts: 25
Joined: 12/6/2005
Status: offline

There is nothing wrong with giving a BRIEF discription about yourself. Just keep in mind that not every e-mail(or even 1/2) may get answered.

_____________________________

AquarianButerfly

(in reply to neverusedsub)

Post #: 20

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