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question for married subs owned by others? - 10/24/2008 5:30:51 PM   
Vanessa1234


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/24/2008
Status: offline 		I married my husband because he was very dominant.  I did not realize that I was submissive and that others feel the same feelings that I do.  I find now that I just can't really see myself living without being dominated and being happy anymore.  He has shown himself to be weak.  I have met someone online ..and we do well together, but, I wonder, is this workable?   Are their other married woman out there owned by men that are not their husbands?  I really would  love to see some links or talk with others.  I can't leave my husband and feel somewhat owned by him, but it's not enough.  The man I met is great also..if I could only combine them into one man!
I am just now starting to own this part of myself..I need discipline and feel good after it..why?  I do not know..
So, please, if you are nuts or perverted..don't e-mail me..I work a lot of hours and have laundry etc..but, if you could help me out or if you are in this situation..please e-mail me..
thanks!

Love,
a sweet little girl
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/24/2008 6:43:33 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		My personal view is that you can't be married to one guy and owned by another. Ownership means that he has direct control over your life. Your husband did not consent to having someone else in control of his relationship with you.

Has your husband consented to you having a Dom outside of your marriage?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Vanessa1234)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/24/2008 7:05:06 PM   
DreamsOfSpider


Posts: 56
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		Not quite the same, but a friend of mine is married to a vanilla guy, and switches (takes turns being dominant/submissive) with her girlfriend. They're polyamorous, so all of this is completely above-board, and so far it's working well for them.

Are you sure you need to be owned to be happy as a submissive? To me that seems both very extreme, and very difficult to combine with a long-term commited relationship. But I'm sure there are at least a few folks who have done it -- it's a wide world; you name it and somebody's done it. Still, I think you should think hard about whether ownership is really what you want. There are plenty of other ways to be submissive.

(in reply to Vanessa1234)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/24/2008 7:09:57 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		the answer is yes there is married subs owned by others. i am married and i have my M'Lady,  the whole of the family is aware and consenting to the araingements.to find out if this could work for you talk to you husband and comunicate what it is that you want and desire. you may find he may  enjoy the bdsm life as well. im not saying it is going to work or leave your husband  but with love and comunication any partnership is possible even poly.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/24/2008 7:43:19 PM   
goodgirlslave


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline 		i am married and seeking a Dom 'on the side' so to speak - with my husband's knowledge and support.  we used to be swingers (not technically- but of a sort) so it is not completely alien.  but what we used to do did not inovlve the mental dynamic i am looking for now. so, i have questions about whether it can work.  my goal is to find someone who already has a primary relationship so we are on equal footing, which i hope will make it more workable.  sorry no answers - just sort of a 'me to' shout out. 

(in reply to LPslittleclip)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/24/2008 8:01:31 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanessa1234
He has shown himself to be weak.

To me, this says a lot about the level of respect you have for your husband and how you view him.  Because he won't "dominate" you as you see fit, he is "weak?"  I think there are much larger issues here than you trying to find someone else to meet your "submissive" desires.  I see your statement as a symptom of a much larger problem indeed.................luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Vanessa1234)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/24/2008 8:08:10 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Ah, you found a rationale to cheat... and of course the grass is greener...

What gets me most is that you have laundry. It may be news to you, but almost everybody does.

(in reply to Vanessa1234)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/24/2008 11:06:56 PM   
DreamsOfSpider


Posts: 56
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		Antipode: Three out of five responses (not counting your own) described relationships wherein a married sub had another partner and wasn't cheating. So, Vanessa may not be... although I can't say I'm all that hopeful. I think most people who are poly try to point it out before people make assumptions and accuse them of cheating.

Vanessa: If you haven't talked to your husband yet, you're overdue. He deserves to know what's going on. And any dom worth being with is not going to dominate you behind your husband's back. Note the "worth being with" -- I'm sure there's plenty who would take what they can get, married or not. You don't want that kind. Unless you are, in fact, cheating on your husband and planning to continue to do so.

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/25/2008 7:05:39 PM   
Zechriel


Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline 		Good evening!
Well, I always knew my hubby was not into BDSM but he is very dominant and I love him completely. So I buried my feelings for 13 years. Last year, we had a very long talk one weekend and for our anniversary present I got the okay to have a boyfriend as long as he did not know any details. Very "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Finally I am with Daddy and so happy. It's not about sex cause Daddy has ED, but about serving another, caring, of course spankings and such but no sex unless Daddy takes meds which he HATES.
It's hard cause depending on your situation, you have to balance everything, family, spouse, Master, home. Then keeping your mouth shut-if that is what your hubby requires, as mine does. I don't wanna say too much b/c married subs having outside Doms/Dommes do get alot of flack but if you need a friend, I am here. Take care!

Love,
Zechriel

_____________________________

Sir HighlanderME's little z

(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/26/2008 8:17:09 PM   
Vanessa1234


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/24/2008
Status: offline 		thank you all for the great answers..much to think over!

(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/26/2008 9:50:51 PM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		I am married and have a mistress as well.  They go shopping together and are building a wonderful friendship.   Yes, it can be done, and total openness and honesty is recommended.  

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to Vanessa1234)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/27/2008 4:00:01 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanessa1234

I married my husband because he was very dominant. 
I find now that I just can't really see myself living without being dominated . 
He has shown himself to be weak. 



Hello Vanessa,
How did things change? 
And you met a man on the internet? 
hmmmmm.

You might want to take a good hard look at the relationship you have.  You married the man after all.  It sounds like a good, kink-friendly, therapist for couples sessions might be in order.

good luck,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Vanessa1234)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/28/2008 3:25:51 AM   
NuminousLeader


Posts: 69
Joined: 6/13/2008
Status: offline 		Well, I'm married and have a sub who serves me in my home.  The one point stressed in most of the responses is the most important "openness and honesty" with your spouse.

There are no secrets in our marriage and at all times, my family comes first.  The subs who serve in my home cater to all who enter. 

Now serving in my home does not mean you are naked all the time, or dressed in some fetish outfit, subs are there to make my life easier and to take care of my home.  They may serve by going with my wife shopping, cleaning, cooking or many other "vanilla" task's but at all times they know their place.

Of course there is always a time and place for BDSM in our home, punishment is given when needed as are rewards.

So yea, a marriage can work with others serving or someone serving in another place, but everyone needs to be respected, and no secrets from each other.  

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/28/2008 5:28:34 AM   
Dari


Posts: 192
Joined: 10/8/2007
Status: offline 		Whether this will be successful will depend on whether your relationship with your husband is strong or not.

"I married him and I thought he was so dominant, but now I see him as weak."  Until you address this, then you're not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else.  If you've addressed this with him, and he's okay with you being dominated with someone else, then it might work.  If you haven't addressed this, then you need to ask yourself if you're searching for ways to ignore the relationship you have with your husband, so that you don't have to either decide to leave, or put the effort into fixing it.

Personally, I wouldn't touch you with a 10 foot pole, were I a Dom looking for a sub.  Not because you're married, but because you seem to have issues that you don't want to deal with.  In every successful case of long-term polyamory I've seen, the relationships are communicated (to whatever level of detail is comfortable and correct with the people involved) and agreed upon.  If you can't do that, or aren't doing that, then it's just looking for a reason to cheat.

But of course, that's just my opinion. 

(in reply to sunshinemiss)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/28/2008 5:44:16 AM   
saraUK


Posts: 50
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanessa1234

I married my husband because he was very dominant.  I did not realize that I was submissive and that others feel the same feelings that I do.  I find now that I just can't really see myself living without being dominated and being happy anymore.  He has shown himself to be weak.  I have met someone online ..and we do well together, but, I wonder, is this workable?   Are their other married woman out there owned by men that are not their husbands?  I really would  love to see some links or talk with others.  I can't leave my husband and feel somewhat owned by him, but it's not enough.  The man I met is great also..if I could only combine them into one man!
I am just now starting to own this part of myself..I need discipline and feel good after it..why?  I do not know..
So, please, if you are nuts or perverted..don't e-mail me..I work a lot of hours and have laundry etc..but, if you could help me out or if you are in this situation..please e-mail me..
thanks!

Love,
a sweet little girl



Hi Vanessa,

Firstly, you will always get people who will slap you down because 'your kink isn't their kink' and therefore must be wrong, or you're not 'doing it right' (according to them) etc.  Ignore those kind of comments, as they are pretty much worthless.  Everyone who has any kind of interest in this lifestyle has just as much right to be here.  There is no rule book and if you like it and enjoy it and it hurts no one else, then go for it.

I'm a sub who is married to a Dom, although he is not 'my' Dom.  We met through the lifestyle, and I admit that initially I did have hopes that it would work for us and we would live a happy D/s lifestyle ever after.  Unfortunately it didn't work out that way, but I don't love him any less.  In fact I love him more, because we are able to talk together, say freely what does it for us, and able to understand and allow each other to play with others without being too overpowering or jealous about what goes on.  We have our own agreed 'rules' on what we are prepared to allow or not allow.  We also don't want to know the details of what we each get up to with others.  So long as he's happy with what he's doing and who he's doing it with, then I'm happy and vice versa. 

We have been married for six years, and playing with others all that time.  We have a strong loving relationship and it all works beautifully.  Anyone who's never tried it is bound to have a bit of a negative view of it.  There are plently of things I have negative views of that I've never tried too.  It can, and does work.  I know of several others in exactly the same or very similar positions. 

Only you know your husband, but perhaps a chat with him would be a good idea.  Maybe to suggest that as the D/s is not working between you, that you each find someone else to play with, don't just focus on yourself finding someone.  He needs to know that you are thinking of him too.  Talk openly, tell him that if he agrees, then you want to know what he feels would be acceptable.  Tell him what you wouldn't mind him doing with someone else.  Be prepared to be flexible.  I think that's a better way to approach it than going behind his back.  I know it sounds difficult,  I thought it would be when I aproached my husband about it, but was really surprised at his acceptance of it.  It works so well for us, and we couldn't be happier.

I wish you well.


(in reply to Vanessa1234)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/28/2008 7:53:06 AM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Sara, I don't think people were telling the OP not to have a relationship with someone else, but rather not to do it in a lying cheating manner, which surely, eventually would "hurt someone". (perhaps a lot of people including the OP.)

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to saraUK)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/28/2008 8:12:41 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: Vanessa1234
He has shown himself to be weak.

To me, this says a lot about the level of respect you have for your husband and how you view him.  Because he won't "dominate" you as you see fit, he is "weak?"  I think there are much larger issues here than you trying to find someone else to meet your "submissive" desires.  I see your statement as a symptom of a much larger problem indeed.................luci


Oh, I SOOO agree with this luci. Whether or not I successfully had managed to become my wife's "master", I cannot under any circumstances see her saying that I was "weak" in a public forum. More importantly, I cannot imagine her even thinking such a thing.

@Vanessa: Sure you can have a poly relationhip. So long as you do it openly and honestly with full disclosure to all involved, then hey, more fun to be had by all! Given how you've portrayed your marriage though (which may not be the reality of it, just how you've portrayed it), the question I have is why not just be honest and divorce the man you have no respect for then go find yourself what you want? I mean seriously... is it fair to either him or you to stay married with such a mindset?

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/28/2008 8:41:31 AM   
sheyearns


Posts: 8
Joined: 10/2/2008
Status: offline 		Vanessa,

i am a married submissive but my husband is quite aware of my feelings and needs.  i was so scared to talk with him at first, to let him know of my inner desires and it tore me up.  ( A bit of background, i married young and didn't know there was a name for one such as myself not for years later.)  If you wish to make this work, to balance both worlds, then you NEED to be open and talk frankly with your husband.  It's not his fault that this is happening, it wouldn't be fair at all to him, to seek something outside your marriage without his knowledge.  And frankly, as stated by someone else, i wouldn't touch you either if i were a Dominant and your spouse wasn't aware.  If you can't be honest in your primary relationship, how can a Dominant expect you to be honest to Them? (this works both ways If the Dominant that seeks you out doesn't care cause His/Her spouse is unaware then how can you be sure They aren't lying to you?)
 
my husband supports me, but that support was hard won and sometimes i wasn't sure i could keep fighting for it.  If you can look at your life without your husband in it, perhaps you need to look at yourself and come to terms with the issues you have.  Have your husband read the book When Someone You Love is Kinky and i would suggest you read the book called The Ethical Slut.  No no that wasn't a slander...lol.  It's a very good book and brings to light some issues that someone getting into a Poly life would face.  It's a very good book for anyone to read actually because it helps you face some issues you might not have known you have.

The underlining thing that is most important is that you be honest with your spouse.  If he can't handle it and you can't work out a solution, then you know where to go.  But at least you can hold your head up and say...okay i tried and it just didn't work.  Instead of going behind his back and cheating.  you might be surprised and find that he has the same desires and was just afraid to voice them.

i get flack all the time for being a married submissive, but i try not to let it get to me overly much because i know i am honest with him and he's okay.  If you need to chat feel free to send me an email.  i'll be happy to help all i can.

Best wishes,
sheyearns


(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 10/28/2008 8:50:40 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I am friends with a lot of married subs both male and female. As long as your open with your spouse about it go for it.

(in reply to sheyearns)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: question for married subs owned by others? - 11/2/2008 5:37:32 AM   
Master96


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Zechriel

... It's not about sex cause Daddy has ED, but about serving another, caring, of course spankings and such but no sex unless Daddy takes meds which he HATES...


What is ED?!

_____________________________

Master96,

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Understand that actions will always speak louder than words.


Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence? - Sai Baba

(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 20
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