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anamericaninfife -> RE: I could really use some help (10/29/2008 11:32:14 AM)
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First off, I agree with others that this is a great thread. I also think that you are asking all the right questions for someone who is in your position, seeker. It's clear that this is something that is important to your wife in terms of her sexuality, and your willingness to explore this with her makes it clear that you love and care about her. I do think that you should read and re-read every single post on this discussion forum, as a lot of very good points have been made. In particular, I found that Vampire's instruction that you HAVE to communicate and that her not wanting to communicate with you should not be an option is very good advice.
That said, here's a suggestion for how you can get from point A to B, get her to communicate with you, and at the same time begin to explore and exert a little Dominance all at the same time.
In times past, when encountering a new sub, I have "interviewed" her to find out what she likes and what she doesn't like. One time I spent three separate nights interviewing a submissive woman--we were brand new to each other, and the interview process saw us getting more and more comfortable with each other as the week went by. Here's how it worked:
You've probably seen the "Interests" categories that appear on people's profile--the blue-font "Likes", "Loves", "Lives for", etc. You can access these from the "edit profile" tab on your left hand navigation screen on the main site. Here's how I'd suggest getting to know your wife's interests, so that things are clearly communicated.
First, a few things are up to you--you can have fun with this. You might want to catch her off guard, or, if it would add to the suspense, tell her before you leave for work one day that you're going to be interviewing her when you get home and that she should be ready. You might even tell her that she's going to tell you about her bdsm fantasies. If she argues with you about it, look her right in the eye and tell her that you've already made up your mind and that's all there is to it...leave for work and then proceed with the interview as planned. You should also feel free to choose how you want to go about it--where she will sit in relation to you, etc. When I did this myself, I sat at my computer desk reading off of the collar me interests list, and the woman was kneeling beside me the three successive nights. We started off with her fully clothed, then night 2 she lost her top, then night three she was fully naked for the final portion of the interview. Again, whatever works for you--you have to remember that getting in touch with your inner Dom SHOULD mean that you get something out of this. What would thrill you??? Seeing her naked, kneeling beside your favorite chair while you read from a printed copy and take down notes on a legal pad? Or dressed in a dress or costume that you like? It's your call, Seeker--you're the Dom.
Finally, go through the list item by item and ask her what she likes and does not like. Take notes if it helps. Throughout, make sure she knows that she has to communicate--silence is not an option. If she clams up--well, she clearly does have some bdsm tendencies, so perhaps you can try out some of your own desires a bit and find a creative way to discipline her for not being forthcoming, which it sounds like could thrill her. Don't get me wrong--you've already said you're pretty vanilla, so you probably aren't going to do anything that would likely hurt her at first. But, if she clams up and won't talk, what would be wrong with punishing her until she breaks her silence. Think of it--she sits there and won't say a word about whether she approves of something, so you instruct her to stand and you begin spanking her ass with your bare hand until she breaks down and tells you her honest opinion. And, truth be told, so long as you're fairly reserved at first, such an exercise could tell you a lot about how into pain she really is. If you swat her behind five times, no harder than you'd spank a child, and she gives in and starts talking, you know that she wants the control but is not necessarily into pain. If, on the other hand, you do the five times thing and she is still resistant, and your spanking has to get harder before she'll talk, then you know that she is a bit masochistic.
One final word--don't be afraid to be strict when interviewing. Yes, I realize that you're concerned about her emotional safety, and you well should be. But, the fact that you are concerned is probably evidence to the fact that you're not going to do anything too over the top at first. It should be okay to be demanding with her about this--she's your wife, after all, and you're her husband. You are, mutually, the two people that each other ought to be able to share these kinds of desires with and it be okay. Make that clear to her on the front end of things, and then if she's still resistant to giving you straight answers, take that as a sign that you can be a little forthcoming about the punishment/discipline thing. She is, after all, the one that is asking for you to be into this--yes, safety is a concern that you cannot ignore, but you also shouldn't let your concern for safety keep you from exerting an elementary sense of Dominance toward her.
And, finally, last but not least, if you try this out and you find that this very simple exercise is extremely hard for you to do, well, then maybe as Mike said up top, you might just not be cut out for this. I'm not saying that this should be your one and only shot at being Dominant, but, that said, a very simple, elementary exercise such as this could do a lot as far as letting you know whether you're into this or not.
I hope this helps--who knows if others will agree with my suggestions, but I think that what you seem to be struggling with the most is the pragmatic part of how to get from point A to B, and this seems to be as good a way as any.
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