In the beginning

In the beginning (Full Version)

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WannaSPOON -> In the beginning (10/25/2008 5:50:44 AM)
I wasn't quite sure where to put this nor what string to use to search for a similar topic so I'll ask the ones who would have a better ideas. I've been interested in BDSM for years but I'm just now getting to a point where I can actually start trying to find a steady relationship and not just random play. I am curious what subs look for in the beginning when talking to a potential Dom. I can be nice and courteous as well as cocky and flirty. Is it a personal preference for everyone or is there some general suggestion as to how to approach the initial stages?

KatyLied -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 6:15:11 AM)
quote: Is it a personal preference for everyone or is there some general suggestion as to how to approach the initial stages? It's easy. Relate to others in the manner you'd like them to relate to you. Be forewarned though, if you think leading with kinky facts about life will work universally, it won't.

Beneathhumanity -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 7:32:30 AM)
When talking to a dominant, I try to get to know him as a person rather than the role he takes, of course our desires and interests in BDSM are important yet when finding and meeting the right person I need to know that we will be compatitable in other ways rather than just master and slave. Find the right one is a personal choice, being its about what you seek for yourself, being each submissive seeks something different. Relax but be careful at the same time.

sub4hire -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 7:33:59 AM)
I knew too much about the lifestyle when I wanted to find my first dominant. I found him as a budding new boyfriend when I was in the military. We met at a dance the bowling alley was having. Got to know one another. Soon realized we had the same interests. The rest was history..the relationship lasted 10 years until I asked for release. He wanted to get married and I did not. Took me five years to find my current dominant. He was much harder to find. Since you are new you really don't know what sort of play you are into. Or do you? You should define your limits. What you know you can absolutely never do. Be prepared to evolve though. You will, we all do. Never meet anyone in a private place. Always quite public. For me, advice I follow but many do not. Never play at first meeting. Treat them as anyone else you would meet anywhere until some trust builds. If they try to trash you for not meeting fast enough..dump them. There are others out there who actually have a clue. Besides you don't want someone that immature anyway. Just a few ideas.

VampiresLair -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 7:41:19 AM)
When you are talking to a dominant, remember first and foremost that you are talking to person and not a title. I have lost interest in more people than I can count who are so wrapped up in what I am that they forget about who I am. Also, remember that if you are looking for a relationship that lasts, it has to have a lot more than just kink going for it, so do not focus on just that. And major thing here, do not assume all dominants want to be called by a title right out of the gate. Read the profiles and see how they prefer to be addressed, ad if it isnt mentioned use their screenname rather than some honorific. You re just as likely to lose points as you are to gain them using Mistress or Goddess with some of us. Good luck! DV

zakkan -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 7:54:48 AM)
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1763219/mpage_1/tm.htm How do you like to be approached on here http://www.collarchat.com/m_1500588/mpage_1/key_introduction/tm.htm#1500863 What do you expect in a first contact email http://www.collarchat.com/m_1316919/mpage_1/tm.htm How to introduce myself to a sub http://www.collarchat.com/m_1638584/mpage_1/key_approach/tm.htm#1638681 How do you wish to be approached? http://www.collarchat.com/m_1562989/mpage_1/tm.htm Does "On your knees, Bitch!" EVER work in a first e-mail? This IS fun [8D]

lusciouslips19 -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 7:57:51 AM)
I want to be treated as a person and not a fantasy. vanilla first. Plus one has to pay attention to what I say. You cant have a fantasy of something you want to do to me and disregard what I tell you. For instance if you have this fantasy where i am cuffed from behind but i can not be put in that position because of an injury, you cannot go ahead and do it anyway. What I want is to be safe and come out unharmed. I want to be able to trust you. you need to know what you are doing and keep control of yourself as a Dominant at all times. You need to be technically skilled at BDSM and if you are not learn. I do not want to be your experiment. You need to know what the endangerment sites on the body are and pay attention that you are controlled enough to not hit them even accidentally. If I am on a soapbox it is because I was seeing a dominant that was technically unskilled and had a fantasy agenda that he wanted to fill. I had a bruise that after 3 weeks was still not completely healed because of where I was flogged. So please read, get mentored and learn how to keep a sub safe AND listen. there is a thread i created in the health and safety section of the forum called "Endangerment Sites" you can search for it if you want to know where these areas are. [sm=soapbox.gif] have fun but play safe. (this is not directed at the OP but any newer dom who doesnt have a medical background to know whats safe and whats not safe)

WannaSPOON -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 8:13:09 AM)
Well to answer a question above, I'm not new to the lifestyle and I've had a few subs but they were just temporary -- a few play sessions over the summer, for example. I'm getting to the point where I'd like something a bit more long-term/dedicated. From what I've read I take it that it's good to get the BDSM information up front but not as the center-piece to the relation. Everything else is just about being one's self and seeing how the personalities mesh. Did I miss anything?

lronitulstahp -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 8:20:17 AM)
quote: I want to be treated as a person and not a fantasy You say that now....i kinda like being treated as a fantsy.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 8:21:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WannaSPOON Well to answer a question above, I'm not new to the lifestyle and I've had a few subs but they were just temporary -- a few play sessions over the summer, for example. I'm getting to the point where I'd like something a bit more long-term/dedicated. From what I've read I take it that it's good to get the BDSM information up front but not as the center-piece to the relation. Everything else is just about being one's self and seeing how the personalities mesh. Did I miss anything? No, you did not miss the message. You'll find your sweetheart. I just know it!

lusciouslips19 -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 8:23:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lronitulstahp quote: I want to be treated as a person and not a fantasy You say that now....i kinda like being treated as a fantsy. i agree, but not when the fantasy agenda takes precedence over a subs needs and safety.

WannaSPOON -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 8:31:23 AM)
First impressions are the hard part. Convincing someone I'm worth knowing has always been my weak suit. Once the person has spent more than 10 minutes or so talking to me everything's just fine[:)]

CalifChick -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 9:18:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WannaSPOON I can be nice and courteous as well as cocky and flirty. I prefer it when someone is just being themself. I have caught myself in the past trying to act a certain way because I thought it was what someone wanted (not BDSM related). That never works (well, it didn't work for me). I was talking with someone the other day about the process of looking for a job. I related how I was always second choice after the interview process (although I have to wonder about the process, because the first choice always turned them down and I always got offered the job anyway). I always hated job interviews, although I was told that I interview very well. After being at the same job for 10 years, and leaving that job to move back home, I found myself having to interview again. I had grown in that time, and had come to realize that: Either I was what they wanted, or I wasn't. Either I was a good fit, or I wasn't. Either they thought I would be a good addition, or they didn't. So I decided to just relax and really be myself. I went on a number of interviews over a two week period, and I was offered every job I interviewed for. It had nothing to do with my skills, and everything to do with just being myself. Cali

kallisto -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 9:36:47 AM)
I was talking with someone this morning about that. No games. I am who I am. Just being me has always worked well no matter the relationship.

Roselaure -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 10:16:29 AM)
It's a cliche but you just have to be yourself. For me, there is nothing more ridiculous than a Dominat putting on som Domly persona. A naturally powerful man has a unmistakable aura, you can't fake it. Real chemistry with a real person, that is what melts my butter.

kallisto -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 11:12:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Roselaure A naturally powerful man has a unmistakable aura, you can't fake it. Real chemistry with a real person, that is what melts my butter. You said that so well. [:)]

WannaSPOON -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 3:08:35 PM)
Indeed.

kiwisub12 -> RE: In the beginning (10/25/2008 5:28:27 PM)
As a sub, when i started the process of finding someone to play with / have a long term relationship with, the one that caught my fancy, and me, was the one who didn't want to spend a lot of time on-line or on the phone. He was the first one to invite me to meet. To be honest, i was so horny that i probably would have gone with anyone - but the man i meet was every thing i could have wanted! The thing for me was the physical meeting. The profile gave me something to think about, until i met him for real. Meeting pretty much tells you if there is any reason to meet for the second time. We met for coffee in a bookshop, and i figure by the end of the cup of coffee, anyone will have a feeling wheither or not there is something there. I have to admit when i saw my Sir for the first time, i didn't like his clothes or his glasses, but i also knew that those were things that i could change if need be - and two years later, he has new glasses, and i buy his clothes for him. The important thing for me was him - his personality, intelligence and sense of humor. If these things mesh, then the rest is just icing on the cake.

littleone35 -> RE: In the beginning (10/27/2008 8:45:48 AM)
Talk to me as a preson not as a sub. That is what Master and i did the first time we met face to face. He also flirited with me a little which i liked. Just be yourself it makes life much eaiser. If they don't like you for who you are then theay are not worth your time. Matt's littleone

leadership527 -> RE: In the beginning (10/27/2008 8:57:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Roselaure It's a cliche but you just have to be yourself. For me, there is nothing more ridiculous than a Dominat putting on som Domly persona. A naturally powerful man has a unmistakable aura, you can't fake it. Real chemistry with a real person, that is what melts my butter. Heh, so long as we all understand that what is "naturally powerful" to sub A is "spineless and weak" to sub B and "arrogant and domineering" to sub C. My wife finds me quite thoroughly dominant, but I'd bet solid money that more than half the subs here would not see that. Which is why the last part is key... Real chemistry with a real person... mmmmmmm, butter......

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