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RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 2:29:15 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		This happened to me too, a little bit differently but still the same type of loss.  At the time I was too busy surviving to feel it, but later when safe, I looked around at all that wasn't there and thought the courts would settle.  Yeah... okay... enforce a court order... hell... we couldn't even get um support enforced for fourteen years.  At the time, I had three um's to take care of and two with special needs and our lives were ruined and we suffered many things... but now... many years later... his not paying um support has saved my ass!  I now have gotten a monthly amount on what he owes that will never be paid in the ten years they can enforce it, but because I have it, it has supported me and my brain damaged son.  We made it through without the support and it was rough, but we made it.  Had that money not been there since I lost my business with 911, I would have been homeless.  I got the sweet revenge in a sence that now his money has supported me for the last four years because my illnesses are misunderstood in the US and I could not get help.  Sometimes there is a blessing in it we cannot see or know for many years.

First of all the um's do get an attitude and hurt from what these guys do... You have to wonder what makes a person like that tick.  My um's have no pictures of them as babies and such and what was done hurt them far more than it could hurt me and the idiot that did it... will never be loved or trusted again for his abandonment and cruelty.

What I did... after that and when my family decided they wanted all the goods from my family is that I went to where they lived and took rocks and cuttings from plants from their yards.  I had a living reminder of my loved one's and lovingly remembered gardening with them and how they had loved their plants and such and carried them with me, filled yards with cuttings that grew and made things beautiful and the plants were alive unlike other things my family took.  I did finally get my grandmother's first wedding ring, one I never knew her to wear as I used to look at it in her jewlery box and wish that it was mine.  Just a simple ring, passed down through my great grandmother and I wear it to this day.

I bought things that each family member would have loved and used these new items to represent my loved one.  If I saw something that reminded me of the person, that is what I bought and used and although I knew it had never been theirs, it helped me to have something I could hold and look at that in my mind represented them or their loves in life belongings.

One thing was a cubboard that someone finally gave to a thrift store.  Guess what I found on one of my treasure hunts?  You got it... I found it and bought it and I finally had something that was supposed to be mine, years later.

I think that not wanting the belongings that were lost to you is part of a defense process to protect yourself from the pain of it all and somehow you might feel that you had to harden yourself to get through the loss and now cannot handle it all over again.  I would box things up and have someone trust worthy hold them until the emotions of this moment pass and you can then decide what to do with them.  Giving them away when upset might be something you regret.  After six months if you still feel the same way... give them to someone who will love them.

You will find your way through this painful loss... how you do it... we cannot know in this moment, but in this moment, know that you carry everything in your heart and no one can take that away.  I wish you well!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to pahunkboy)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 4:59:26 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		SL4V3M4YB3,
I can't get you your pictures back, I'm sorry.

110 Film

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to SL4V3M4YB3)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 5:38:30 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		I am sorry you have to go through this,Nueva.  I too know the horridness of it all, though it was not through a divorce. When my husband and I were all packed and ready to move to Florida, he became very ill. They told me then to not expect him to live. Well hubby was a fighter and decided he would make it through this and get me down to Florida. He was my protector and wanted to make sure I would be okay. When he got out of the hospital, we could not drive down, so we flew out to Florida leaving everything behind. Finances made it impossible to bring much. One suitcase i packed all his leather craft supplies, which was his pride and joy. We came here with nothing from all our 29 years of living in Ohio. 9 months later he died. I knew no one here, except my mom. Mom was very busy with her life and that did not include me. So I had to learn to go on by myself, and the help of some wonderful people. Finally, I had to break down and sell his leather making equipment to survive. That broke my heart, but I knew he be angry if i held on to them and could not take care of myself. It was a very hard time for me, but I found what I am made of. I am stronger then I thought.

In survival we rise from the ashes, and then we look all around for what new things we can introduce in our life. I have introduced in my life, independence, able to support myself, making sound financial improvements and learning to live alone and take care of myself. Maybe not a big feat for others, but was for me. I hadn't work to make a living for a long time, because of illness with me and then my husband. I had to learn to fight hard so I could stand back up. I am making it, and out of all this came Sir, who understood what I needed to learn and stood to the side as I struggle and grew. I needed to find that something within me that I lost during the time of my husband's death. Only after finding it, would I be able to have something to offer another person again. If I at 55 then ,i could do it, I know you can Nueva. Be patient with yourself and permit yourself to feel. And though we have lost material things that cant be replaced, we still have that inner cord inside us.

blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: "Things" - what they mean to us - 10/25/2008 6:14:52 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		A general, fast reply:

Well I'm starting to figure it out. Things are significant because of what they symbolize. I guess for that, I could have gone to any "what does a collar mean to you" thread. "Things" represent something to us, and what they represent is emotional-based. It's not necessarily the item that we love so much (although in some cases, yeah, we just love that item!) but what the item makes us feel, whether we realize it at the time or not. They say you don't know what you have until you've lost it...I suppose that applies here.

And then, of course some of the things that were returned were broken. It's nice to have my guitar, but all its strings were broken. No biggy, I can replace guitar strings, but it's more the "fuck you" message that was delivered along with the guitar, ya know? Some of my dad's books no longer have their covers. Stuff like that.

Yikes, I wonder if I was better off not getting any of it back!! To those of you who said to wait before giving it away...thank you. That is sound advice and I'll do that...I just have to find a spot in my little pod to store it all.

pahunkboy, your message was so sweet and touching. What everyone has shared helps me realize my situation is not so unique, and people have to start over all the time. We pull ourselves up and we do it. It is encouraging to read about others who have done so.

And really...all the stories and suggestions and well wishes here just validate the notion that what's important is the intangible stuff. You guys have made a difference in how I feel today...and THAT's more important to me than any guitar strings.


So...thank you.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to oceanwynds)
Profile   Post #: 24
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