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Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 2:36:49 PM   
esherazi


Posts: 9
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline 		I was with my Master for seven years. Things seemed normal in our relationship until he twisted everything. Suddenly everything was serious and he started beating me for real. The isolation was crazy and I began to fear for my life. Thinking things may get better- I married the bastard and paid a huge price. The abuse became worse and soon I decided to file for divorce.

I am divorced now but severely damaged emotionally, mentally, and even physically. I mean because of him I am on much needed medication for high blood pressure, GI problems, and the sort. The force sex was so frequent that now I suffer from gynecological issues. Yes, I am in therapy, but I feel I will never be the same.

I feel a lot of shame. I use to be a strongminded woman. I feel feeble now. I feel lost. Yet I find myself crawling back into the lifestyle needing to have a Master or Mistress. But scared to take it any further than conversations.

How does one come back from the darkness? When should I considered coming back into the lifestyle? Maybe being a slave isn't healthy for me at all anymore. Maybe I should try my hand in dominanting. I want what was stolen from me.

Thanks for letting me run my mouth.

razi
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 3:01:20 PM   
teensub


Posts: 135
Joined: 7/18/2007
Status: offline 		hello there, sorry to here about your relationship. Glad you found the strength to leave.

I think maybe visiting munches might be a good idea, socializing with other BDSM members and getting into the lifestyle slowly that way again. Without the pressures of taking anything further.

Not sure how helpful that was, but i hope you find your way



_____________________________

L.pickle

(in reply to esherazi)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 3:02:06 PM   
greeneyes600


Posts: 47
Joined: 9/16/2008
Status: offline 		dear esherazi....i am so sorry for what you've been through and your pain shows in your post.  I think what you need to do is concentrate on the positive and not the negative.  You had the strength to get rid of him and to leave, that shows not a feeble woman but one who took control of her destiny and you shouyld remember that.  The need to be submissive will always be inside you...but that doesn't mean every master will be like the last one.

Please don't lose faith in yourself as a person...and don't let this monster lead your life...show him and you that he can'[t do that by gaining your self esteem again and going forward to better things.

(in reply to esherazi)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 3:10:08 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Becoming dominant will not help you overcome your past. Being submissive again will not either. AS with any sort of relationship that ends in abuse, you need to be confident in yourself again before you get involved with anyone.
You are a far stronger person than you give yourself credit for. You are here and able to post and ask for help, rather than falling to pieces and blaming everyone for what happened to you. You knwo who is to blame, you have gotten away from him, and you are now going to rebuild and become the person you were before. Changed, yes, but not for the worse.
No one can destroy you if you do not let them. The best revenge you can get against the abuser is to be yourself again. Prove to yourself and to him that you are the more powerful one, that even though he tried to break you, you came through and you are a better person now than you were before. It will make you wiser, and even if there are physical effects you will have to deal with, it has not destroyed you.
Will it take time, yes. Friends? Yes again. But it is far from impossible. Maybe getting back into the lifestyle right away is a bad idea. Maybe just making friends in the lifestyle, with other submissives as well as dominants, might be better. Learn what good relationships can look like, and what you can have. Then, see if you still want to be part of that or if your way lies in the way of the vanilla. Whatever makes you happy, comfortable and makes your life richer is the way to go... D/s or vanilla the important part is you, not it.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to greeneyes600)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 3:47:19 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

esherazi said:
I want what was stolen from me.


Just a little note here. Nothing was stolen from you really. In the end, we are all sovereign over ourselves. You gave away something to an abusive man. It is also yours to reclaim again whenever you wish. "Strength", "Courage", "Trust"... all of those are internal words and have nothing to do with anyone else. I say this not by way of maligning you in some way. Quite the contrary, I offer this thought up as hopeful view that you are sufficient in and of yourself. The answers lie within.

Good luck in your road back to yourself.
~Jeff

(god, that was so woo-woo-ey of me it was almost metaphysical. I need to go read a math text now *laughs*)

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to esherazi)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 4:35:36 PM   
Max1000


Posts: 28
Joined: 10/25/2008
Status: offline 		At least you had the strength to leave. Alot of people get stuck in bad relationships forever. Good luck with the future.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 5:16:48 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

Yes, I am in therapy, but I feel I will never be the same.

In one sense, no, you will not be the same.  Experience changes everyone.  None of us are the person we were yesterday.

quote:

I feel a lot of shame. I use to be a strongminded woman. I feel feeble now. I feel lost. Yet I find myself crawling back into the lifestyle needing to have a Master or Mistress. But scared to take it any further than conversations.

There is no shame in being subjected to abuse.  Shame comes from doing, not being done to.  You did not invite the abuse.  You did not do the abuse.  The shame belongs with your ex, not with you.

As for being strong--strength will return in due time.  Allow yourself time to heal.  If going further than conversation is a risk you are not prepared to take (and going further is always a risk, even in vanilla relationships), then don't.  Your obligation is always first and foremost to your physical and psychological well being; seek out people who understand and accept that.

I would also add that what every person needs is healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships; BDSM, D/s, M/s, vanilla--these are compass points by which we navigate relationships, nothing more.  As you regain your emotional strength, build relationships that make you happy--that build you up and that do not tear you down.  If there is kink or power exchange, so be it; if there is none, so be it.  Focus on the relationship, not the lifestyle.


_____________________________



(in reply to esherazi)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 5:41:44 PM   
hairslave


Posts: 114
Joined: 11/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: esherazi

I was with my Master for seven years. Things seemed normal in our relationship until he twisted everything. Suddenly everything was serious and he started beating me for real. The isolation was crazy and I began to fear for my life. Thinking things may get better- I married the bastard and paid a huge price. The abuse became worse and soon I decided to file for divorce.

I am divorced now but severely damaged emotionally, mentally, and even physically. I mean because of him I am on much needed medication for high blood pressure, GI problems, and the sort. The force sex was so frequent that now I suffer from gynecological issues. Yes, I am in therapy, but I feel I will never be the same.

I feel a lot of shame. I use to be a strongminded woman. I feel feeble now. I feel lost. Yet I find myself crawling back into the lifestyle needing to have a Master or Mistress. But scared to take it any further than conversations.

How does one come back from the darkness? When should I considered coming back into the lifestyle? Maybe being a slave isn't healthy for me at all anymore. Maybe I should try my hand in dominanting. I want what was stolen from me.

Thanks for letting me run my mouth.

razi

i to,… am very very sorry to hear what You have had to go through but,.. You have taken charge of You Owen destiny and have begun the long road to recovery. At times it well feel like it is a very lonely road and that You well feel like no one is with You but,… Your not. So surround Your self with positive people.
I have told many young girls that ; “ In order to be all that you are, you most first surround your self with people who let you be all that you are!.” So if You can, go to collage and get a degree, so You can get a good paying job ,.. then the only reason you are with a man,. is because You want to be,… not because you can’t afford to leave for Your Owen safety.
By coming out on this, you have already proven that you know that you deserve far better then to be handled in that way. I always close with; Stay Safe, when writing to a woman because,. this is my biggest concern. Women are to often stuck in abusive relationships. Men and Women both, most stand up to abuse. This takes carriage, You have already demonstrated that You have that.
Life has taught me to know that; it’s not where you have been in life that reviles true character, It’s where You are going that does. Your going on the right road, and headed in the right direction… Stay the course. In the end, You well be a better person for it. Besides that,… You never know who is watching You from some where, inside an another abusive relationship. So be a mentor as You find Your way. You well be surprised to find that Your not alone in this, despite how You feel right now.
Seek out support groups in Your area. Take time to get to know who you are, and where You are going before You leap into something You well regret again latter. To many people run so fast from something in their past, that they don’t see what they are about to run into!
Becoming a Domme can sound good to me but,.. There again, there are some subs out there that can seem harmless but, over time they to,. can become abusive. Time well show You how to steer clear of abusive types
The other posts here are great too!
. Time is on Your side,.. keep it that way! And You can sure count on those of us here to be a supportive friend when ever You find that You need One. So Please keep Your chin up! And Stay Safe! Sincerely hairslave




_____________________________

Ture Love Is; Giving 110% with out expicting anything in return, yet,... gratfull for what little that comes back your way.

(in reply to esherazi)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 5:41:50 PM   
cagliostro


Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		I was an abused child so I can understand some of the feelings you have.  Speaking from that perspective, your feelings are very understandable and normal.  They don't help - but they have a valid purpose.  They seek to protect you from repeating what happened to you.  Try to appreciate them, and understand them.  That's a big step and a hard one to take.  Spend some time just experiencing them, odds are that you try to push them away or something.  Most people who've suffered abuse do. 

There is a lot of literature on trauma and dissociative conditions you might want to check out.  It is (unfortunately) common to have this kind of experience so lots of people have written books and papers on it.  While you may not have PTSD or DID or whatever, the ideas and practices can help. 

I would suggest waiting to re-enter any relationship until you have made your peace with your past.  I tried relationships before I was ready, and really just f*cked them up.  I don't know you, and I don't know your life, so I don't presume to tell you.  But traumatic events can rear their ugly head at seemingly random times.  You never know when a word, a gesture, or a touch might trigger you.  Well, until you get a handle on it.  Even then it can be hard, so be careful. 

(in reply to celticlord2112)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 5:51:08 PM   
hairslave


Posts: 114
Joined: 11/11/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry,.. i don't know how my messsage became part of Your qout but, my attemts to undo it feld.

_____________________________

Ture Love Is; Giving 110% with out expicting anything in return, yet,... gratfull for what little that comes back your way.

(in reply to hairslave)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 6:12:02 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		hi razi

first, brava! for being able to walk away!  i truly commend you that strength and that wisdom.  its a hard, huge step for any woman, let alone a submissive one, to take.

second, keep in mind, abuse doesnt have to be within a lifestyle relationship.  many vanilla men are abusive.  your desire to even attempt to return to the lifestyle shows great strength.  you havent lost anything, except your confidence in yourself.  something i know quite a bit about.

my suggestion to you, should you decide to continue on the path back to your submissive side, would be to do so in an off line forum.  munches would possibly be the best way, allowing you to meet other submissives, developing friendships and sharing confidences with them, before even attempting to start another M/s relationship.  the call to the "wild side" is a strong one.  allow others to help you along on that path, people who have no desire to inflict any pain, people with no agenda.  SLOW would be my key word for you.

no one here can tell you what you should or should not do.  only you can make that decision for yourself.

truly, i think you are one hell of a woman.  dont let someone else steal that fire.

tazzy

~edited for flipping typos~

< Message edited by tazzygirl -- 10/25/2008 6:15:00 PM >

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to hairslave)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 6:33:54 PM   
hairslave


Posts: 114
Joined: 11/11/2005
Status: offline
i to,… am very very sorry to hear what You have had to go through but,.. You have taken charge of You Owen destiny and have begun the long road to recovery. At times it well feel like it is a very lonely road and that You well feel like no one is with You but,… Your not. So surround Your self with positive people.
I have told many young girls that ; “ In order to be all that you are, you most first surround your self with people who let you be all that you are!.” So if You can, go to collage and get a degree, so You can get a good paying job ,.. then the only reason you are with a man,. is because You want to be,… not because you can’t afford to leave for Your Owen safety.
By coming out on this, you have already proven that you know that you deserve far better then to be handled in that way. I always close with; “Stay Safe“, when writing to a woman because,. this is my biggest concern. Women are to often stuck in abusive relationships. Men and Women both, most stand up to abuse. This takes courage, You have already demonstrated that You have that.
Life has taught me to know that; it’s not where you have been in life that reviles true character, It’s where You are going that does that. Your going on the right road, and headed in the right direction… Stay the course. In the end, You well be a better person for it. Besides that,… You never know who is watching You from some where, inside an another abusive relationship. So be a mentor as You find Your way. You well be surprised to find that Your not alone in this, despite how You feel right now.
Seek out support groups in Your area.
Take time to get to know who you are, and where You are going before You leap into something You well regret again later. To many people run so fast from something in their past, that they don’t see what they are about to run into!
Becoming a Domme can sound good to me but,.. There again, there are some subs out there that can seem harmless but, over time they to,. can become abusive. Time well show You how to steer clear of abusive types
The other posts here are great too!
. Time is on Your side,.. keep it that way! And You can sure count on those of us here to be a supportive friend when ever You find that You need One. So Please keep Your chin up! And Stay Safe! Sincerely hairslave

_____________________________

Ture Love Is; Giving 110% with out expicting anything in return, yet,... gratfull for what little that comes back your way.

(in reply to esherazi)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 6:36:01 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		I am happy OP that you are in counseling. I am proud of your strength to get out of this abusive relationship. I am proud of your reaching out to others.It is a long road that you will travel to heal, though a road many have traveled before you, I for one. Only advice I can give you is to not seek a relationship now in any form-Ms,Ds or other. You might want to consider taking small steps and stay with counseling right now.

Blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 6:45:31 PM   
HornyToadsMI


Posts: 287
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: esherazi

I am divorced now but severely damaged emotionally, mentally, and even physically. I mean because of him I am on much needed medication for high blood pressure, GI problems, and the sort. The force sex was so frequent that now I suffer from gynecological issues. Yes, I am in therapy, but I feel I will never be the same.

I feel a lot of shame. I use to be a strongminded woman. I feel feeble now. I feel lost. Yet I find myself crawling back into the lifestyle needing to have a Master or Mistress. But scared to take it any further than conversations.

razi



Some things in your message struck me....you are injured deeply.....and finding another relationship OF ANY TYPE (BDSM, Vanilla) is not advisible until you heal, both physically and emotionally.  Otherwise, you may find yourself in the very same situation over and over and over again. Crossing over to be a Dom might prove cathartic or more damaging (taking out your frustration and anger on an innocent)

If it were me, I would take the time and lurk only, not looking for any committments.  Friends are fine, but to take it a step further could be more damaging.  Maybe consider being your own Master for now......

Take the time and heal....you have your whole life to jump back in.  :)

_____________________________

i have the best job in the world - my Boss whips me!!!

Go with your gut - yes, I am being a Smart Ass!

(in reply to esherazi)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/25/2008 10:30:23 PM   
esherazi


Posts: 9
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline 		thank you all for your feedback to me. i appreciate it truly. i was a little embarrassed that i shared so much, but you all made me feel better about doing so. thank you.

(in reply to HornyToadsMI)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/26/2008 12:47:38 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

How does one come back from the darkness?

time, thinking and friends
those things can help

About thinking; Just don't find your ex an asshole, but also think about the fact why you accepted it. That is very hard..but important to know

(in reply to esherazi)
Profile   Post #: 16
Abuse - 10/26/2008 1:30:36 AM   
masterforRT


Posts: 176
Joined: 5/16/2008
Status: offline 		I am sorry that you were abused. There is no reason for abuse whatsoever. I would advise you to get counseling, as abuse can actually cause PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). This can cause all sorts of medical and emotional problems.

One thing that you must realize is that: None of this is or was your fault!
 
I do truly wish you well.

MRT

(in reply to JustDarkness)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Abusive Dom/Domme - 10/26/2008 1:51:52 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		want to ad something to my previous post (cant edit it)

what I meant was

quote:

  Thinking things may get better- I married the bastard and paid a huge price.


that you should think about why you decided to stay..what gave you hope..........to understand that/yourself.
else it might happen in your next relation.

< Message edited by JustDarkness -- 10/26/2008 1:52:27 AM >

(in reply to JustDarkness)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Abuse - 10/26/2008 2:10:59 AM   
nuraMJM


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		hi razi
sorry you was abused and hope things get better and you get the help you need. i've been through abit of it all but fortunitly never got that far and was mainly mentally and abit of physicial, it has made me be aware of it and in away be more weary of Masters and when i meet a new Master i worry that He will do the same thing. but my Master now seems great and doesn't even leave to many bruises.
I think many people who accept abuse do it becouse they love the Master and think things will change. once you fall in love with someone its like your in that trap i guess

(in reply to masterforRT)
Profile   Post #: 19
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