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RE: Cultural Differences - 10/27/2008 3:56:40 PM

QandA

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It sounds a lot like the group has pretty much made up it's collective mind about your choice of lifestyle. If they don't get off the "this is bad and self-destructive" kick then I don't know how much help they can be to you.

If it's an option for you, I might suggest looking into other groups... especially if you've got kink-friendly ones out there. I can't imagine that an environment where you have to constantly defend yourself feels very welcoming. Nothing would shut me down faster.

Also it might be worth considering that your group could be focusing on your perceived issues rather than working on things in their own lives. Having the "distraction" of your kink seems to be throwing your group off focus.

If finding another therapist/group is not an option, you have a challenge ahead of you that is even harder than standing up to an obnoxious stranger at a club... you've got to stand up to people that you have come to know and trust, and will have to see again on a regular basis. I rather like kiwisub12's idea of giving the group some homework and having them learn more about BDSM in general.... though I might suggest collecting some reading material or a list of websites for them -- who knows what they might come up with if they go looking on their own with a negative outlook. I'm sure there are plenty of sites out there they can use to "prove" that BDSM is harmful.

I feel for you, though. Your situation is precisely the reason that I'm not looking for help with my depression. I'm functional and not a threat to myself or others, but I would benefit from therapy and drugs. With no medical coverage, however, I'd have to take what Community Mental Health offered..... been there, done that, got the dent in the wall from banging my head to prove it. I'll do what I have to do, and muddle through until I can either find a free kink-friendly group or afford one that costs money.

Anyway... good luck. With the group and with everything else. :)

lil Aidan

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RE: Cultural Differences - 10/27/2008 4:04:00 PM

Rover

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quote:

ORIGINAL: QandA

It sounds a lot like the group has pretty much made up it's collective mind about your choice of lifestyle.

The gay community had the same problem with acceptance, so long as society viewed their lifestyle as a matter of choice. As medical evidence of a genetic component to homosexuality (ie: nature) become more widely disseminated, society was less able to make judgements about their choices in life (ie: it was not their choice to be gay).

I believe (and have written) that "we" are at a similar tipping point as it relates to BDSM. Where medical evidence accumulates to suggest that WIITWD is not a matter of personal choice, but that we are born this way.

John

P.S. - This is a great example of why the "nature vs. nurture" issue matters.

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RE: Cultural Differences - 10/27/2008 4:15:47 PM

DavanKael

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QandA:
Check out the list of Kink Aware Professionals n the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom list. A lot of folks do pro-bono work on a limited basis.
Davan

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RE: Cultural Differences - 10/27/2008 4:21:02 PM

WinsomeDefiance

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(Hugs) Yikes, sounds a bit like a masochist's wet dream where you are being gang-banged in your group therapy. Not as hot as it sounds, I know! I feel for you, I really do!

It may be that this group isn't the best one for you. Therapy, like any relationship, requires a certain compatibility between those involved. If it isn't working, it is ok to acknowledge this and look elsewhere. Assuming that option is open to you. I know that there is no guarantee that the next group will be any more open minded.

You could speak to your therapist about your concern that the focus on your BDSM activities seem to be over-shadowing areas that you feel really need to be addressed, and ask if the therapist could help you direct the discussion away from them for now, and help you work on those things that you are concerned most with.

WinD

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 10/27/2008 4:23:51 PM >

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RE: Cultural Differences - 10/27/2008 4:25:29 PM

hereyesruponyou

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I think you will have to be assertive in letting them know that you are the one making the choices when you go out. Letting your more dominant friends guide the activities of the evening and just enjoying what is going on is what alot of people do. All groups of friends have leaders and organizers, followers, and those that fall inbetween. Most people don't conciously choose which they want to be, they just follow along. You are already doing more than that by making your choice when you go out. Your interactions as you describe them when out in clubs sound pretty normal and reasonable to me. Perhaps you can explain it in a way that shows you are not abdicating your responsibility or decision making skills, but rather enjoying letting someone else take the lead when you are there. It's much more difficult to realize who you are and seek out the chance to experience those situations, than to just sit back and let the world tell you what to do.

I would have to echo that unless you can wait out their "morbid interest" and facination, chances are you may need to find another group. Perhaps sharing some educational information will help. Even maybe just sharing the question you wrote here in actual print with them. Let them see how they are affecting your therapy by their own prejudices and expectations. Good luck

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RE: Cultural Differences - 10/27/2008 4:58:01 PM

missturbation

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~FR~

quote:

meet interesting people (with a few exceptions...)

Hope i'm in the exceptions

quote:

One resident commented, immediatly, that she was unsure as to why I was letting other people take responsibility for my safety, and why I was choosing to do that rather than taking that responsibility myself. She felt it unhealthy that I be delegating responsibility in this way.

I'm a kinkster and i would question this. When i go to a club i am usually (always recently) in the company of Softness and a friend of her's. Now i trust both of those people explicitly to look after me and see signs that i am not ok when 'playing'. I trust them to not let me get into unhealthy situations etc too. However i trust myself just as implicitly and take responsibility for myself when in their company. I strongly believe that if i can't take responsibility for myself how can anyone else be expected to. It would become far to easy to pass the buck when something goes wrong. Ie, 'you were responsible for me and you let this happen.' No, if you can't take care of yourself in a 'club' situation then you shouldn't be going.

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RE: Cultural Differences - 10/27/2008 5:50:53 PM

persephonee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IvyMorgan

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

What "group" are you referring to? Is this work-related? Therapy-related? A personal social circle? Scene/lifestyle-related?
It is a therapeutic community, for people with "personality disorders".

quote:

quote:

I have no idea how to explain across a cultural divide that stresses empowerment, autonomy, self agency and all those other good therapy "buzz words".

This jumped out at me. There have been a few discussions here about the commonplace propensity for people to falsely equate 'equality' with 'empowerment' (and the example you provided seemed like a prime example of the reverse gender discrimination that has spawned from it).

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking. 'Explaining' such things to people who have misconstrued the basis of personal freedom is not an endeavor likely to be fruitful. And since I'm not sure what interactive dynamic you're facing, the question of how to deal with these people in a way that will cause the least amount of irritation isn't one that can be fleshed out.

The group believe in personal agency, empowering individuals in their own lives and similar ideas. They don't understand the idea that submission can be just as freeing as being in control.

i have to go to work and cant read thru all the responses so i hope this isnt redundant.
The "theraputic" setting doesnt preclude personal prejudices. i had a very nice therapist that was assigned to me during the time i was trying to conceive my son thru AI. He was nice enough and local and i kept seeing him just to blow off steam even after conceiving successfully.
i eventually had to stop seeing him altogether once i recognised the pattern of his questions about my relationship with my partner. At first the questions were in line with the reason that the clinic automatically included some therapy sessions as a part of the whole service provided....esp so you had rapport with someone in case the attempts were unsuccessful...
Then i noticed that we were covering a lot of the same ground and had to end the sessions altogether after getting the equivalent question of...so which one of you is the girl??...
Did he have helpful insight into fertility issues? Yes. Was he somehow unprofessionally interested in the sexual dynamic between me and my wife?...Worse than a frat boy.
i had to go. i never once thought of trying to educate him or get him to understand the differences of our two cultures...i simply left. What? He couldnt use google and get to the bottom of the gender-role assignment questions and amass a plethera of lezbo porn on his own dime?? Why bother.
i only discuss my life now or my life then with folks who are open to my initial responses to their queries and then we move on....i dont waste time on people who clearly hear the words coming from my mouth and yet persist on making that screwed up brow/wrinkled nose confusion face...in hopes that ill spill the beans about the top secret lesbian sex manual...or the supersecret D/s Handbook that i have stored in a tomb in the desert guarded by possessed snakes....

While your situation is more important to you to foster...i would try to be clear and concise and then move on...if they pretend not to get it...that could very well be because what you are saying to them is setting off alarms in their own head that this may be something they want to explore....

perse

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Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

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