Training or Dating? (Full Version)

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Some -> Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 4:03:03 PM)

I'm sorry to re work a similar thread but I still have some questions on the begining of a relationship.

At the begining is it always strictly business with regular meets for training or does it evolve like a regular relationship with training thrown in?

You know do you do regular man woman things like dinner, whatever or do you just meet and get trained to please at first?

I am having a little trouble because while I was dying for and love being trained in the sexual and in the house stuff, I cant see how that can go on forever without a real relationship around it. I am afraid it will die. Also one of the things that just makes me melt is having a dominant man dominate me subtlely with a word or a look in public. You cant do that and life is no fodder to your D/s relationship if you are only inside training.

thanks for the advice- just started with someone a month or so ago and we have only met at his house so its training only - no dating



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 4:08:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Some
At the begining is it always strictly business with regular meets for training or does it evolve like a regular relationship with training thrown in?

Depends on the relationship.  There's always at least some meetings just to get to know eachother, but even they may involve some learning of preferences and offering of service.

You know do you do regular man woman things like dinner, whatever or do you just meet and get trained to please at first?

quote:

thanks for the advice- just started with someone a month or so ago and we have only met at his house so its training only - no dating

Trust me, if you can imagine it, it exists out there, and what you seek is by far the most common situation out there.  If this guy only wants training, then obviously he isn't a good match for you.  Don't let your frenzy to serve get int he way of good sense and long term understanding.



teensub -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 4:22:44 PM)

for me and my master we have a bf/gf relationship aswell as a d/s one. So we do go out together and doing normal vanilla things but He also trains me and guides me



Some -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 4:29:42 PM)

Thank you



gypsygrl -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 4:31:13 PM)

It depends on the relationship and the people involved.  I've never been much for going out on dates, and when I started exploring this stuff, I was happy to learn that all that wasn't necessary.  I really shy away from unstructured social interaction with people I don't know.  That makes a first date a nearly impossible ordeal for me.  Going to the movies or dinner with a stranger just for fun sounds like a previously unexploited version of hell to me.  :)

Needless to say, I didn't date, but got right to the training/play.  I was more interested in the 'alternative' parts of this so-called lifestyle so didn't try to replicate 'vanilla' customs.   Currently, Sir and I go out and even in the early stages of our friendship we did regular stuff together 'cause he wanted to.  I didn't like that at first, and kind of called it to a halt, but once I got to know him, it was easier to just hang out with him and have fun. 



littlewonder -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 4:33:44 PM)

For me personally it's a relationship like anyone else's...we get together, we date, we go out to places, we enjoy each other's company...but he also does what he wants with me, he trains me, he leads.

If I couldn't have a normal relationship with him then I would no longer find it satisfying and I would not stick around.

I want much more than just a Dom. I want it all.



antipode -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 4:43:38 PM)

Whaddayamean, dinner is a woman thing? You want to take a look at my kitchen.... [:D]



Some -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 5:00:23 PM)

lol. I said man/woman thing.

Thanks for responses. I wondered if at the begining it was only training and then it changed.

it also makes me insecure- I mean if he is only training me a couple times a week for a few hours at a time who else is he talking to? doing things with?
then again I may be thinking like a woman. Maybe men are perfectly happy with a few hours of training and then work and sports



YourhandMyAss -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 5:07:35 PM)

All relationships are diffrent, there's no relationship guide they all follow.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Some

At the begining is it always strictly business with regular meets for training or does it evolve like a regular relationship with training thrown in?



peppermint -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 6:32:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Some

lol. I said man/woman thing.

Thanks for responses. I wondered if at the begining it was only training and then it changed.

it also makes me insecure- I mean if he is only training me a couple times a week for a few hours at a time who else is he talking to? doing things with?
then again I may be thinking like a woman. Maybe men are perfectly happy with a few hours of training and then work and sports


You and he need to do a bit of talking.  You mention that he may have others that he's training, however, you don't know.  Have you bothered to discusss whether the relationship is open? poly? monogamous? long term? kinky sex only?  What is the goal?  There are many ways to start a relationship, but no matter how it starts, communication is a must...and then more communication so that you both understand what each of you seeks and where each of you stands.



BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 6:53:02 PM)

We dated, spent time alone together and with friends, had sex, played...... and all the while we learned about each other, and still are learning about each other over a year later.  I learned how He likes His coffee made, where His socks, tshirts and other clothes go, what kind of pie He likes and all sorts of things that could be considered "training".

A while back, we were sitting in a restaurant eating lunch, and He was talking about something which I disagreed with or questioned.  He got this sheepish look on His face and said, some days I want you to just say "Yes Master" and agree with me.  I said, "But you're always asking me my opinion on things, or what I think about stuff."  He said, "Most of the time I want to know those things, and some days I just want to hear 'Yes Master', and your job is to learn when those days are without me telling you."  LOL!

So a week or two later, He and I were going to pick up a load of old bricks and He was once again doing a not so great job of backing the jeep/trailer up.  He looks at me and says, "I'm terrible at this aren't I?"  I was about to say, of course not, then I remembered that conversation, so I smiled sweetly, batted my eyelashes and said, "Yes Master!"

He rolled His eyes and said, "I just knew that directive was gonna come back and bite me in the ass." 

So I guess ya gotta be careful about what you wanna train someone to do........... or better yet, have an amazing sense of humor about it all.  [:D]



VonneCat -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 7:00:38 PM)

I could date some one with out needing the D/s side of things, but I doubt that I could sustain a D/s relationship for very long with out the dating side. But, like nearly every one has already said, every one's relationships are different.



silkenfire -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 7:23:04 PM)

I like the dating side of things.

With my Master, we met on here and obviously discussed different things regarding the lifestyle, but we were both searching for a life partner and lover. Our first meeting was for Taco Bell and watching Juno -- real classy! The lifestyle dynamic has slowly filled within my "normal" relationship. But as such, we grow together and will be able to sustain the relationship always. I do note, "will be able to" does not mean it will -- I never know when a relationship will survive, but I am moving in and will be here 24/7 soon (I'm here about 24/5 now).



WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 7:43:41 PM)

It's whatever you make it be, that's the best answer here I can give.   In fact, my mind is bit scrambled like eggs on this one because of the range of experiences I have had.

There is no set in stone perfect answer.  However, most of the time the answer to any questions you seek often is inside yourself.

For instance, if you want/need/desire for there to be vanilla activities and for there to be a deeper relationships past BDSM sexual D/s and kink.  There is your own answer to your question. 

Now you can choose to turn a blind eye to your own wants/needs/desires, and become involved in a relationship without these elements.  In the end it won't work out for you or him very well.   Or you can acknowledge and admit to yourself these are things you want/need/desire and communicate these things to your partner.  If they are incapable of meeting these wants/needs/desires or it's something they are not into doing.   You need to face the reality that your current relationship is Doomed from the start.  Turning a blind eye, and convincing yourself that things will somehow change or improve, you are being dishonest to yourself and your partner.

It's dishonest to have unexpressed expectations, desires, wants and needs and keep these things from your partner and even yourself.    Mind you, it's easy to convince yourself that you are making scarifices for the betterment of keeping the relationship going, however in the end of this yellow brick road, you will find many feelings of resentment, you may even make yourself out to be some marter for all the scarifices you have personally made to keep things going.   Endless list of hard feelings and negative unhealthy emotions when those rosey pair of glass fall off and break.

This is one area or facet of life, I think I'm an expert at.  Bad habit that I've been working on kicking.  Not certain if I'm fully there yet.  Some signs of positive improvment though.



Lashra -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 8:04:07 PM)

My malesub and I started out as friends, then we became lovers, Girlfriend/boyfriend and now Mistress and submissive. He knew my likes/dislikes prior to wearing my collar, but his official training did not begin until I placed it around his neck. That is what works for me, but everyone has their own way of doing it.

~Lashra



SimplyMichael -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 11:05:48 PM)

Training = The one night stand that doesn't end.



NuevaVida -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/27/2008 11:17:06 PM)

First, BRN, that story was hilarious! [:)]

As to the training/dating...as others have said, it depends on the people involved and what works. I can say with my former Master it was training from the get-go, and then service and use. There wasn't much in the way of a dating type of relationship and that worked for me for several years...until it didn't anymore.

There is someone I'm getting to know now...we mostly just enjoy each other's company. There is no training in any formal sense. We have fun together. In fact we just spent the last half hour on Skype singing Neil Young songs together. [:D] He lives in another state and we're already excitedly planning our next visit - where to go for dinner (his favorite restaurant in San Francisco), where to hang out (he wants to take a walk through Old Town Sacramento with me), etc. We've spent the last couple of months talking, singing (heh), playing (the several times we've met so far), and beginning to develop what may or may not be a long term relationship. As for training...well...there are sexual things that I'm learning to do the way he likes them, and he's taught me to meditate, to help clear my mind and heart of some existing clutter, and he's teaching me (trying to) to simplify my thinking. We don't cal it "training", though, we don't really call it anything. But whatever it is, it's working so far, and much more suited to who I am now.

What do YOU want? What will make YOU thrive? Those are the questions to ask yourself...



KatyLied -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/28/2008 2:43:25 AM)

It's important for me to do "date" stuff.  I enjoy that sort of interaction, even in the early stages, when it can be awkward.  Because if you connect with someone, and can be comfortable hanging out, it's not that awkward.  It's difficult for me to connect with someone purely on a physical basis, I need to have successful vanilla experiences as well.  Otherwise it's not meaningful to me.



littleone35 -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/28/2008 7:56:24 AM)

Master and i date and do the regular vanilla things but he is always Master d/s is a big poart of our relationship.    The things we did together helped me know the things he finds pleasing and thing si did not find out he trained me in.  So yes we had training but we also have a relationship.

Matt's littleone



DearJessicaD -> RE: Training or Dating? (10/28/2008 9:14:55 AM)

There's definitely a dating aspect to it. He picked me up in a coffee shop in broad daylight and everything. I could see how if two people met online maybe then maybe the dating aspect wouldn't be as strong, especially if both are traveling to meet up and there's a hotel involved or something.

But I would never let someone dominate me if I couldn't see how they treat waitstaff and people in their world.



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