RE: Losing control

RE: Losing control (Full Version)

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Rover -> RE: Losing control (10/27/2008 6:23:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teensub And by wishes i mean there limits, things they have asked or mentioned to you not to do In my relationships I allow one limit. My expectation is to have authority for whatever I desire, within reason (that being the only limit). Which is why I do not quickly or easily enter into an ownership relationship. In order for such a relationship to exist (for me), we both have to be satisfied that we have a clear and mutual understanding about what constitutes "reasonable". Consequently, the only way I could exceed a limit is to be unreasonable. And in that instance I expect... no... require... that she refuse me. To the point of absolving the relationship if necessary. She owes that to me, and to herself. John

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: Losing control (10/27/2008 6:31:44 PM)
There are moments, when I simply took control of a situation without any second thoughts. Hell, when I'm on the mode it's generally when there's a crisis that is going on that requires immediate attention. I'm pretty much of a Tell and not asking kind of guy in this mode of operation. I nicknamed it my "Uber Dom mode"... If I inadvertantly step on somebody's toes in the process, I really don't care. I'll deal with any hurt feelings after the fact when the dust has settled down. I really could give a shit less about somebody's feelings compared to getting things under control and dealing with an issue that is larger then somebody's feelings. Hell, I've even been bold to express, you can cry or bitch to me later about it, but not now. I've actually take charge of complete situations where I was not supposed to be the one in charge of things. Yes, I have hurt a few ego's in lifetime. However, the principal and ethics and direction I took were rock solid. So yeah, I stepped on toes but I did it to do the right thing, to make certain the right thing got done in everybody's best interest. I sort of hate it seeing a crisis happen with a group of people standing around, looking lost and confused, stupid as to what the fuck needs to be done. Hell, even people in charge of things standing around looking lost, dumb founded and clueless.. you'd be amazed at how well people suck at dealing with a crisis. Anyhoo.. now where was I going with all this. If somebody wants to really hit my Dominant buttons, just stand there looking lost and clueless about what to do with anything. Be it in a time of crisis or not. I'll assert myself, attempt to do on the spot training (teaching, imparting knowledge, or whatever), I'll micromanage what the hell is going on if I have to else... all else fails... get the fuck out of my way and let me do it, then I'll explain why I did things a certain way after the fact to impart knowledge and understanding. I have inadvertantly hurt people's feelings or egos at times, but what the hell that's all part of the territory of being a Dom is all about. I have gone against my submissive partners wishes at times. This is not a bad thing either, even more so when they are grid locked by some hung up or fear or self-esteem issue. Some mental hang ups need to be challenge and crushed like empty beer cans. I have on a number of occasions done things that upset my partner, only to hear them say later on "Thank you" or "I was out of line, I've done some thinking about it". So it all depends upon the situation at hand, what buttons that trigger my Dominant call to action. There are times when I'm sticking to my guns regardless if it hurts somebody ego or feelings. Why? Because some people take things too personally and too emotionally at times. I have different levels and modes of being Dominant. Ranging from the Laid Back Dom, to the Uber Dom Drill Instructor. I have a Spock like Vulcan logic mode, I have the I'm going to chop somebody into little pieces and feed them to the dogs mode, I have the I hate dealing with idiots mode, I have the calm collected teacher to student mode where I enjoy teaching somebody what I know, or how to do something. I have the mode where I enjoy nurturing and being supportive of somebody's dreams. I have many modes and different buttons that trigger these modes. I think any submissive who actually knows and understand their Dom partner fully, knows what I'm talking about here. The buttons, triggers and different modes us Dom types operate in. Be certain, you know what mode you are engaging when you test limits and push buttons. Do it too much, and you'll be caught red handed in playing power games. The proverbial topping from the bottom. Who is in charge of what again. LOL...

faithbunny -> RE: Losing control (10/27/2008 6:42:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rover Many submissives do not "wish" to clean the toilets. It's not always a "wish" to submit one's will to another. Many times it's not a "wish" to accept evaluation, correction or even (gasp) punishment. One of the hallmarks, for me, of a really good dom is the ability to respect my limits while always gently pushing them. Half of the things I love doing with my beloved are things that I used to think were stupid or mean or gross. ; ) He's very good at pushing me just far enough. I personally have issues with corporal punishment for anyone, even a submissive who enjoys pain, and there were a couple of incidents years ago where he spanked me in anger. I had a very f-you attitude about it and refused to resist--I gave him no reaction at all, and he found better ways to show his displeasure going forward. As I write I'm debating whether I have revised my opinion on corporal punishment--I still hate the very notion of the man I love striking me in anger, but it hurts less than the silent treatment he replaced it with. ~faith

daddysliloneds -> RE: Losing control (10/27/2008 6:55:34 PM)
him going beyond my wishes wasn't from him losing control, so i'll skip answering that part... there was a dom/sadist that i used to be with years and years ago, and he got to the point where he would lose control and ride that thin line between deadly fantasy and reality and not be sure of which side of the line he was riding... i'm no longer with him because of the one time he did lose control of his self-control and fell to one side of the line that was close to deadly for me... the girl he ended up with after me, well, she wasn't so lucky. he's in prison now for a very, very, long time! he honestly doesn't remember what part of their last time together was real and what he thought he was fantasizing!!!!

Racquelle -> RE: Losing control (10/27/2008 7:08:04 PM)
In a CBT "event", both the sub and I were in a bit of a frenzy, and I accidentally pushed my thumb nail through his scrotum, requiring a trip to the ER. To me, that is a loss of control that perhaps could not have been predicted. He was very good natured about it, so I don't have any lingering guilt, but I felt very badly at the time. We laughed a lot and blushed a lot explaining to the medical staff what had happened. I have times where my mood is incredibly sadistic, and I know that I am at risk of injuring a sub if I don't reign it in. I will avoid going to play parties when I am in that kind of mood. It's not so much an issue of pushing past the sub's wishes, but going beyond what I find acceptable. This kind of loss of control is almost like when you scream at a small child out of anger - just a momentary lapse. Just as it is a parent's job to realize the potential for harm and step back from situations that bring them closer to this lapse - it is my job to do this with the people who trust me not to do them harm.

DesFIP -> RE: Losing control (10/28/2008 5:04:13 AM)
If we say going beyond the sub's wishes to mean breaking a hard limit, then I could never find anything positive in that. See, even if he did wrap me in duct tape and it turned out I loved it (which would never happen) it would still mean that I couldn't trust him. I couldn't trust him to keep his word in anything if he went around breaking it. And trust to me is a lot more important than a momentary pleasure. Beyond that, does he lose control sometimes? Sure. But not in the dealbreakers. He rants and raves just like normal people, but that doesn't mean he'll go ramming the car into the idiot who cut him off. Nor does it mean that he'll kick the cat when she scratches him. There are things he does do and things he won't do, not because of my feelings, but because of his own moral code. Which is what it comes down to; what is his moral code, does he live up to it, and is it compatible with mine?

agirl -> RE: Losing control (10/28/2008 5:54:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teensub I was having a discussion the other day with my master about control. I was wondering have any dom/es ever lost control and gone beyond there subs wishes? Have you lost control and done something you wouldn't usually do? Would like to know how you react in those kind of situations and how does it make you feel? I sometime's want M to push me a little bit harder, and lose control and do what he really desires, but i understand he doesnt like losing that control. It is important to him to stay focuses and to not harm me unless he means to. Interested in your thoughts. I think I understand what you're saying, teensub. The thing is, he IS doing what he really desires; He's staying in control and being a responsible man. If he did allow himself to lose control in the way you describe, the cost would be further reaching than the incident alone. There almost certainly would be 'fallout' in terms of lost trust. agirl

chamberqueen -> RE: Losing control (10/28/2008 11:48:36 AM)
There is a phenomenon which can take place where the Dom can lose control, believing that an action he is taking is pleasing to the sub even though the sub may be screaming and calling out a safeword. He can leave the sub bleeding and emotionally traumatized while honestly feeling inside that he is just doing his job. Thankfully this is fairly rare, and when it happens the suggestion is that the Dom step back from the lifestyle until he figures out what happened. Even if a sub thinks they are ready to handle more, a Dom may choose not to give it for fear of getting into that mode. It is something to talk about before or after a session, not in the middle of one, but when heads are clear for both parties. As a Domme I went too far only once and hurt someone - by doing exactly what they had asked me to do and yet they weren't quite ready to handle it. The pain lasted less than 10 seconds but I still felt very badly about it. A big part of the Dom's responsibility is to make sure that the sub stays safe. It is better that they err on the side of caution. This is why the literature teaches Doms to have control of their anger, of their drug and/or alcohol abuse, etc. As the top it is important to remain clear headed and in control. That may mean not taking things any further than they are comfortable with, even if a sub is pushing for more.

leadership527 -> RE: Losing control (10/28/2008 12:02:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teensub And by wishes i mean there limits, things they have asked or mentioned to you not to do These concepts become pretty muddled in our marriage. After 15 years, we are more "us" than "her" and "him". Her needs and wants feed mine and vice versa like a bowl of jello with ripples bouncing through it. It is almost impossible to separate things out and say "she wanted this" or "he didn't want that". Now, that being said, I have very definitely commanded my wife to do A LOT of things that would not have been her choice left to her own devices. I do so all the time. She trusts me within some fairly broad parameters to know what is best for US which is not always what she would've chosen for herself.

world4penelope -> RE: Losing control (10/28/2008 2:16:23 PM)
One of My old 24/7 slaves angered Me to the point that I tied him and beat him mercilessly. he cried and begged Me for mercy but I showed none. Later I felt a little conflicted as it was the only time that I had ever beat him out of anger. Yet, I felt that it was necessary as no other actions were making My point. Regards, Mistress Penelope St. Devi

teensub -> RE: Losing control (10/28/2008 3:22:27 PM)
What you pointed out world4penelope is what im am getting at. Now to me that turned into abuse. Im not saying you were wrong in doing so..but how did you feel after? were you guilty or did you accept you had lost it? Also how did your sub react? My master gets angry at me, but has learnt to deal with it. He has learnt how to make his points clear without physical abuse, and sometimes other things are more painful than the physical side.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Losing control (10/28/2008 9:13:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tweedydaddy Losing control is deeply shameful. Dang there goes any of my future orgasms... quote: If you can't control yourself you have no right to posture as one who claims to sexually dominate others. Losing control on occasion hardly equals total inability to be in general control- and it's not always "sexual" as I'm sure you know. quote: To go beyond the wishes of any person with whom you are having any form of intimate relations is a criminal offence and anyone doing so should be locked up. Safe, Sane, Consensual, end of story. You DO realize lots of people find those words to be utterly empty and play by their own rules, yeah? Oooo bad me!

SirDominic -> RE: Losing control (10/29/2008 9:28:13 AM)
quote: I sometime's want M to push me a little bit harder, and lose control and do what he really desires, but i understand he doesnt like losing that control. It is important to him to stay focuses and to not harm me unless he means to. Pushing you harder and doing what he really desires has nothing to do with him losing control. I push the boundaries with my slave, but I have never not been in control. I am of the camp that believes that to be Dominant is to BE in control at all times. Period. I regularly push my slave's limits, that is one way the relationship deepens. That I have proven I know when to stop has built trust so that she is willing to be pushed. One huge caveat. Pushing a sub's limits and pushing them past their hard limits are entirely separate things. The first is good. The latter is forbidden. I would never ever push a hard limit without having a very long discussion with my slave first. Hard limits are usually there for very good reasons. They are not to be toyed with. Thing is, very often, as a relationship grows and deepens, what was once a hard limit may become more borderline. If you come to that point, talk to your Master and explain that you now have some curiosity about something that was once out of the question. A good Master will push you slowly in this area. Just remember, Master's have hard limits too. Even if my slave would declare an interest in breath control, for example, (not that she ever would), my answer would be no. That is a hard limit I am not willing to cross.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Losing control (10/29/2008 3:38:41 PM)
Loss of control has little to do with pushing limits. Sounds a little like you want to top from the bottom and get the reaction you want - rather than what he wants to do. My Sir doesn't lose control - infact he is a self-described control freak. That isn't to say that sometimes he doesn't do something he wasn't trying to do. Usually, he says "i meant to do that", and then admire the results. [:D] I would be very disturbed if he lost control. I would have trouble submitting to a man who looses control, when he has me in his control. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

Nefric -> RE: Losing control (10/29/2008 3:39:36 PM)
Racquelle I totally agree with you on your definition of lose of control. Even in my vanilla relationships, it is not if my partner felt I lost control, but rather if I do. Coming from a household where Dad could have a very explosive temper at times, it is one of the things I have tried to keep checked in my life. If I was angry at my sub I would not deal out punishment then but rather at a time in the future. If I am angry I wouldn't enjoy what I would do to them as much, and I love to enjoy what I am doing.

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