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new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/14/2005 4:11:37 AM

ebonymuscleman

Posts: 16
Joined: 4/9/2004
Status: offline

I have a question that I would like some input on. I just currently began a relationship with a woman I've know for a while and she doesn't know anything about my BDSM side. Our relationship is strictly vanilla, however I need BDSM play in my life. My question is when should I bring up my BDSM side and how?

Post #: 1

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/14/2005 4:34:53 AM

MissDiandSirHugh

Posts: 1158
Joined: 8/11/2005
From: Goondiwindi ( Qld )
Status: offline

Just our feeling on when to bring it up would have been a while ago in fact as now it will be a very difficult thing to do if you are wishing this relationship to continue for life or a very long time.
But as to helping you we would think that at some stage you and your friend just have a talk on different things and with out letting on you feelings just bring the subject up of BDSM and see what her feelings are of it or what she even knows about it then that would give you some idea at least.
If for example she says she has thought about it and wondered what it was all about maybe then the two of you explore some sites where she can read about it don't just head straight to CM and do not let on you already know what its all about be as surprised as her and always go slowly as it is her exploration into a new life and new beginning.
If she reacts as if you have hit her with a hammer and gets upset then you would have to either forget your needs and enjoy her as a loving friend whom you wish to be with at all times or go behind her back which is calling for trouble and could in time destroy every thing with her.
We wish you luck in which ever way it goes and can only say that communications on all things are a a big start to all relationships so that these questions or those like it do not need to be answered.

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HoRoo for now from Us both and enjoy all you read even if you don"t agree with us or others.
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(in reply to ebonymuscleman)

Post #: 2

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/14/2005 4:59:03 AM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Dear EMM-

Everyone will tell you to talk to her about it- Don't.

Just do it. If you tell her you what to submit to her, she'll either have the wrong idea, or no idea at at all, and bolt.

OTOH, a little topping from the bottom, just to get the ball rolling, will help. In a private, comfortable situtation, just throw something out there- "slap my ass, baby!"- "Hey! that's good- do it again!" - " wow- Thank you m'am, may I have another?" then drop it for the moment- let her pick it up again. be playful about it- "why not tie me to the bed and have your way with me?"- and off hand-" you decide- I like a take-charge woman...."

Never fail to thank her for doing things you like- positive reinforcement goes a long way.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to ebonymuscleman)

Post #: 3

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/14/2005 6:00:46 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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My version is to watch Exit to Eden together. It's funny, and kinky, so you can bring it up but NOT in a serious "we need to talk" sort of way, and it lets everyone see it as something ENJOYABLE rather than some big "relationship change."

There is something to be said for just going to it in the bedroom and trying it on for size. But you should be prepared for questions.

This is also why I do not get into relationships with people who are not aware of my bi/poly/kink orientation.

(in reply to ebonymuscleman)

Post #: 4

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/14/2005 9:34:37 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

Wow Topcat, what great advice. i would never have thought of it -- You're quite insightful.

candystripper

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 5

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/15/2005 1:30:56 AM

ebonymuscleman

Posts: 16
Joined: 4/9/2004
Status: offline

Thx for all the advice.

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 6

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/15/2005 2:03:28 AM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

face up to her and tell her. top cats advice could just get mixed for playful fun. Alot of times in my vanilla relationships its just play and fun when someone sas slap my ass.

(in reply to ebonymuscleman)

Post #: 7

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/15/2005 3:03:35 AM

nephandi

Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline

i would say try as sugjested to get her interested first, get her interested in play and if that do not work, then tell her.

(in reply to imtempting)

Post #: 8

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/16/2005 11:36:08 AM

Phoenxx

Posts: 253
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Swift Current
Status: offline

Just do it? While that might work for Nike... I'm thinking it's not the best idea for a relationship that needs to be based on trust, respect, communication and honesty.
In one scenario, walk in with ropes and a smile and go hey baby look what I have. She looks at you and goes oh goody, you’re going to tie me up? Or grabs the phone by the bed, dials 911 screaming he’s gone crazy. He is going to tie me up and kill me… Too much CSI and Law and Order.
I remember a loooong time ago reading an advice column in a porn magazine about a woman that had decided to “Just do it”. She showed up in leather fetish wear under a jacket, flashed her fiancé and smiled. He slammed the door on her and wouldn’t open it. The marriage was off.
I think you would be better off asking he if you can try something that has been a long standing fantasy of yours, or renting a movie that involves some BDSM and going mmm that looks like fun. Then you can see what she thinks and go from there.
For movies there are the Secretary, Cat People (it has a kinky bondage scene at the end) Debbie does Dallas (the spanking scene) or anyone of hundreds of scenes in so many movies. LOL
Tony

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 9

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/16/2005 2:23:27 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

M. Phoenxx-

quote:

Just do it? While that might work for Nike... I'm thinking it's not the best idea for a relationship that needs to be based on trust, respect, communication and honesty.

well, I certainly didn't suggest dishonesty, though my experiance leads me to shy away from direct verbal communication in bringing introducing someone to this stuff.

quote:

In one scenario, walk in with ropes and a smile and go hey baby look what I have. She looks at you and goes oh goody, you’re going to tie me up? Or grabs the phone by the bed, dials 911 screaming he’s gone crazy. He is going to tie me up and kill me… Too much CSI and Law and Order.

You'll likely get the same reaction from using words like Sadist, Masochist, Domination, Discipline or even bondage- and the movie idea might work- if she doesn't react poorly to being cast as a stand in for Kinkski, Bambi Woods, or Maggie Gyllenhaal.

By introducing it in a non threatening, playful way, you can open the door on further explorations without creating a crisis.

quote:

I remember a loooong time ago reading an advice column in a porn magazine about a woman that had decided to “Just do it”. She showed up in leather fetish wear under a jacket, flashed her fiancé and smiled. He slammed the door on her and wouldn’t open it. The marriage was off.

I have, IRL, introduced many people to this stuff, with positive results enough to have been asked to deliver lectures on the subject. While I am sure Ms. Hollenders advice was good, I think more of the message is to be low key about it's introduction.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to Phoenxx)

Post #: 10

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/16/2005 2:34:07 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

quote:

I remember a loooong time ago reading an advice column in a porn magazine about a woman that had decided to “Just do it”. She showed up in leather fetish wear under a jacket, flashed her fiancé and smiled. He slammed the door on her and wouldn’t open it. The marriage was off.

Lucky she found out before the marriage the guy was an anal retentive *grin*

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 11

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/16/2005 5:05:27 PM

ViceVersa

Posts: 137
Joined: 11/29/2005
Status: offline

There's a pretty good book out there for just such an occasion: When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Catherine Liszt and Dossie Easton. It's written by kinksters for friends, family, spouses and significant others of kinksters. I thought it was a pretty even-handed approach and - although it's designed to be handed out - after reading it, I just up and decided to come out verbally to some of my vanilla friends in the desire for them to know the whole me. Although it wasn't in the context of a sexual or romantic relationship, it was still gratifying that they didn't reject me and our friendships seem stronger than ever. Anyhow, you might give it a read and see if it facilitates the conversation for you. You can get it from Amazon, B&N, etc.

ViceVersa

< Message edited by ViceVersa -- 12/16/2005 5:08:49 PM >

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 12

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/16/2005 11:40:06 PM

keptcaged

Posts: 44
Joined: 4/23/2005
Status: offline

All these points are valid.
Aren't you glad you asked?
From personal experience i will tell you....it's just damn sad when you truly love your partner and you've stifled who you are for years. Then you get to a point where it's killing you to live a lie, but you would kill the relationship by trying to get in touch with what you need. So you suffer in silence in a platonic relationship with your s.o. with whom you live.

Pick one of those methods and get it out now. Better to difuse it now than years down the road when it'll really do some damage.

Life is short. If you need to get your ass whipped then go get it whipped!
Rock On.

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"Is there anything else i can get you m'am?"

(in reply to ViceVersa)

Post #: 13

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/16/2005 11:53:48 PM

MTslave

Posts: 153
Joined: 12/15/2005
Status: offline

Hello and greetings. I'm quite new here and feel like I'm completely butting in on your thread here... but this question touched a chord deep within me and I wish to share just a personal thought with you.

My Master, a wonderful loving man, is married to a woman that is not me. He has been married to her for a very very long time. However, in all the years they have been together they never explored his need for Domination. That is until about two or three years ago. When he tried bringing it up in numerous positive and unconfrontational ways. ~gentle sigh~ Unfortunately her response has always been the same.

He was also of the mind for many years that if he would just ignore it he could supress it and it would get better. Not so. In fact it affected him in many ways including his relationship with his children. You see he is a very very naturally Dominant. Hence when he met me... He could no longer deny that aspect of his life. Yes he has collared me and yes I'm very happy to be his slave, but I know that it eats at him. It could potentially ruin his marriage.

I'm not trying to make any suggestions for I'm certainly not qualified. I'm only here to offer another point of view of what...'may be'... just whatever your decision is... remember it was made by you and you will have to live with it.

Humbly
Master T's impish slave

_____________________________

Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.”- Erica Jong

(in reply to keptcaged)

Post #: 14

RE: new relationship with or without BDSM - 12/17/2005 3:57:49 AM

pandoravampire

Posts: 374
Joined: 12/6/2004
Status: offline

here's a few points i think are worth raising.

Just jumping in there, and playing things kinky scenario:
First time i ever tried water sports, i thought it was crap, couldnt see the point, id let him do it if he wanted to, but gee, i could of got more turned on stirring soup on the stove.
These days, when done in the 'correct for me' way, this is a allmightly powerful technique that can make me feel incredibly submissive to him.

My (Ex)husband and i turned from vanilla to bdsm. Turned out, that we both batted for the same side, in many ways, and were not bdsm compatable. We moved on from each other, along our own paths. BDSM was the catalyst that helped end the relationship. So be careful what you wish for. Just coz you want to sub, does not mean she will want to Domme, or visa versa if you get my drift.

Playing kinky games, does not fulfill a need to Dominate or submit respectively, for everyone. Some people seek more than kinky sex in their D/s.
Have you considered submitting in other areas of lifestyle besides sex? Or dominating?
Do your actions reflect your role? Not that they have to, but personally i find it far easier to submit to someone who is Dominant in life, not just the bedroom.

As for when to disclose? At the start. Anything more than a one night stand is a relationship in my book. and ANY relationship deserves honesty.
Good luck

(in reply to MTslave)

Post #: 15

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