a kinda silly conflict

a kinda silly conflict (Full Version)

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slavejali -> a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 7:35:17 AM)
One of the things i have always done is create surprises..its something that really makes me feel good..it can be anything from a gift to not telling what is for dinner...now Master doesnt like surprises at all...this kinda creates a silly conflict in me..almost a disappointed or flattened feeling..i know the obvious answer here is.."well if my Master doesnt like surprises..dont surprise him..that wll make him happier and please him more"....but...i just dont understand why my desire to surprise him seems greater than my need to please and obey him in this situation.... Anyone care to tackle this one?

thetammyjo -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 7:38:55 AM)
What do you mean by surprises and what does he mean? Would just having his favorite or a special food without telling him for a meal qualify as a surprise? I don't like things that are scary surprises but Fox does little things to surprise and thrill me all the time. I'd recommend getting some definitions for what you each mean by surprises and that might help you create good guidelines that will make you both happy. And the reason you want to create surprises is becasuse reads like it is part of your personality. You didn't give up your personality when you entered the relationship so it isn't unusually to have conflicts between individuals.

slavejali -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 7:45:19 AM)
Surprises to me is doing things without him knowing. That would include not discussing with him dinner or telling him beforehand what im planning...it would include thinking about doing something or purchasing something i think he would love but i dont want to tell him cuz i want it to be a surprise. Surprises to him means me doing anything without him having prior knowledge. Which btw i can totally appreciate, i just love that control aspect...so..thats why its a silly kinda conflict to me..cuz i love what he is doing controlling me in that way...yet i still want to surprise him. if that makes any sense at all

OscarHargraves -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 7:46:27 AM)
Hi SlaveJali, Maybe you should just talk. Tell him about your 'need' to do these little things and ask ask him what kind of surprises he would allow you to do. Things like his special dinners or even just wearing some special 'almost nothing' when he comes home one night a week. I don't like real surprises that require a reaction but I love to have the little things like a special meal or a backrub (read full massage with oils etc) that I hadn't planned on.

fyreredsub -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 7:52:08 AM)
your conflict is coming from the pleasing slave in you vs your inner nature...you can't change who you are to much degree.however, you can do as Master wishes even tho it is hard. if you know his reaction is not going to be pleased, then it is easier to just not do it then you dont have to feel defeated by his not liking it. you will be less let down .....(i know, easier said than done)

thetammyjo -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 7:55:34 AM)
So I'm still confused a bit. He wants to micromanage then but you'd like to be able to do some of these, what to me seem like really mundane but very helpful things by drawing on your skills and knowledge? I'd say talk to him about this issue even more. Yes, you may be a slave, but happy slaves give much better service and I'm sure your master wants excellent service. I mean, I do, so I'd adjusted some of my needs to know and control over time to allow Fox to do more things for me from his place of trained and innate skills. It takes time but you can work out something that allows you both to have control and creativity at the same time. Or I'm completely misunderstanding in which case I apologize.

slavejali -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 7:57:04 AM)
quote: Maybe you should just talk We have done the talk. the end result of that is always "no surprises"..but being honest my surprises often turn out to be ...........time consuming, expensive or something i should have consulted him about...i will give you an example..Master started a new dojang for his martial arts and i took it upon myself to just go ahead and order all the mats..i was so excited about the whole thing....i ended up feeling flattened cuz Master ended up chastizing me over it. I guess he knows how extreme i can be and is taking that in hand....but i just want/need to feel settled in "asking" before doing. i so want to feel settled in that. Dont get me wrong, i ask in so many other ways, im not a bad bad slave..its just this surprise thing that gets me everytime~

slavejali -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 8:01:42 AM)
quote: you can do as Master wishes even tho it is hard. if you know his reaction is not going to be pleased, then it is easier to just not do it then you dont have to feel defeated by his not liking it. Yes, thats exactly what i want to work on. i guess its just another level i have to cross...cuz i know in the times i do pull back and ask..i feel so good afterwards. im getting that feeling you get from time to time where you want to sink down another level or something....its becoming very strong for me at the moment.

addcted2it -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 8:03:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali One of the things i have always done is create surprises..its something that really makes me feel good..it can be anything from a gift to not telling what is for dinner...now Master doesnt like surprises at all... Anyone care to tackle this one? People in control often do not like surprises. They would rather have everything be predictable. Understanding the dominant mindset will help you to understand your mate. And likewise, he should learn to understand your wonderful and spontaneous submissive nature. addicted2it

slavejali -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 8:07:13 AM)
quote: He wants to micromanage then but you'd like to be able to do some of these, what to me seem like really mundane but very helpful things by drawing on your skills and knowledge? He doesnt exactly micro-manage me..but i am aware that my MsManager Self...needs to submit more....so Him putting the "No surprises" and "Ask" thing on me is actually a really good way for that part of me to do that. I really do love and appreciate this control of me.....its such a stupid conflict and issue inside of me....ugh~

thetammyjo -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 8:13:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali quote: He wants to micromanage then but you'd like to be able to do some of these, what to me seem like really mundane but very helpful things by drawing on your skills and knowledge? He doesnt exactly micro-manage me..but i am aware that my MsManager Self...needs to submit more....so Him putting the "No surprises" and "Ask" thing on me is actually a really good way for that part of me to do that. I really do love and appreciate this control of me.....its such a stupid conflict and issue inside of me....ugh~ Nothing that is part of who you are is stupid. Nothing. Maybe intense, maybe not ideal, perhaps for somethings even unhealthy but never stupid. I'm thinking about the mats you bought. Maybe you all could work out something where you discuss something that needs to be done, he gives you guidelines for price, colors, when, where, but there is room there for you then to work out the details or find better deals etc and then surprise him with the final offer before you do it? I just want to be helpful... makes me feel good.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 8:13:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali Anyone care to tackle this one? LOL the famous three words "talk to him." First off, explain what surprises mean to you- that they are symbols of devotion, that they make you feel excited, that they form a bonding experience and that it really is for good intentions. Then he can explain what it means to him- whether he doesn't like feeling off guard, whether it makes him feel guilty about not surprising you as well, whether he just needs that sort of daily control. At LEAST then it's all on the table, all the real feelings. It has nothing really to do with "Oh I just wanted to get you mashed potatoes instead of frieds" and everything to do with symbols of commitment and comfort levels. MAYBE you can reach a compromise once this understanding has been reached. MAYBE he will be able to give you that treat of surprising him in a few limited ways. For example- why don't you ask permission to surprise him with a dinner every other week? That way he knows it's coming, but it's still a surprise and you still get your yummy feeling of giving a little extra. Or not. But at least then it will be on the table and you can work on NEW ways of finding that happy excited place inside.

slavejali -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 8:19:45 AM)
quote: Understanding the dominant mindset will help you to understand your mate. And likewise, he should learn to understand your wonderful and spontaneous submissive nature. Thats so true, im so spontaneous, i work on intuition, jump first think later kinda energy. Master is a planner, he is methodical and precise in his approach to things, i think this is part of the reason im attracted to his personality, its grounding and sure and concrete. i love that, i need that in my Master and he fits the bill perfectly. if i envisaged myself in a characterization it would be of a wild horse needing to be reined but even when reigned i never forget i am wild. Hrmm maybe we should try pony play one day grin Suppose i got off the topic hey i think i need sleep..havent been able to sleep much lately i tore a muscle in my leg which is giving me hell.

slavejali -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 8:25:53 AM)
quote: MAYBE you can reach a compromise once this understanding has been reached. MAYBE he will be able to give you that treat of surprising him in a few limited ways. For example- why don't you ask permission to surprise him with a dinner every other week? i think that would work perfectly. Plan for the surprise. Such a simple solution and meets both our needs grin

slavejali -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 8:29:17 AM)
quote: I'm thinking about the mats you bought. Maybe you all could work out something where you discuss something that needs to be done, he gives you guidelines for price, colors, when, where, but there is room there for you then to work out the details or find better deals etc and then surprise him with the final offer before you do it? yes~ plan for the surprise~ i think im getting it now~ why are we so dumb sometimes? i think im so clever most of the time but i do some dumb things sometimes...its such a simple solution.

slavejali -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 8:35:04 AM)
ok im going to bed, thanks to everyone who replied, i really appreciated your responses, i got a bit from each person. Will check back in the morning for any additions.

candystripper -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 8:35:41 AM)
Hey jali, all i can use to relate to this is trying to surprise/please my kid at Xmas or on her birthday. i remember givibg her the "toy of the moment" when she was little and how she'd light up. i have chased that same feeling ever since but adults rarely react with the fullsome joy of a child to a present. And, i admit, i no longer know what her heart desires. Makes me sad; but trying to see that reaction for many years has taught me to let go and move on; treasure the memories but do not try recreating them. i hope this analogy helps. candystripper

sunshine333 -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 10:10:19 AM)
well if helps any, jali ... i love surprises! and i would love to come home to a dinner (of which i had no idea beforehand what it would be) that was ready for me. and gifts too!! oh god i love surprises!! always willing to lend a helping hand, sunshine

LittleMissSub -> RE: a kinda silly conflict (12/14/2005 12:21:15 PM)
if you're a manage yourself type person your master probably has a bigger picture kind of thing going on by not allowing you to do the surprise thing on him. if you really must do the surprise thing (and i understadn it, i'm the same way too) do it for a friend or family member, and tell master about it, ask for his input...he still knows what's going on, you'r enot surprising him, and you have an outlet for this need you have.

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