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theobserver -> Does There Have To Be A Reason? (10/28/2008 8:02:28 PM)
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This post is kind of like me talking out loud, it's not really meant to illicit a response, get advice or seek validation. However, I thought maybe someone, somewhere out there might relate and since I don't have health insurance, writing is my own form of therapy.
I'm technically new to CollarMe. I made a profile a couple of months back and although I got quite a few responses and inquiries, it didn't seem right.
I set these rules for myself, I said, "okay I will not contact anyone first," of course that's not a very unique stand to take on this website (or any social leaning website). However, that evening I had browsed several profiles and ignorant to how the site works, I didn't realize that my peeks would be seen by the owners of said profiles - how embarrasing. In any case, by the next day, a couple of people had left messages in my inbox. I read through them and responded to all that seemed reasonably coherent.
The first, was from a person, immediately wanted to exchange messenger info. Right away, from my previous online follies I knew that was a warning sign, but I decided to take a chance anyway. Well, this individual became agitated that I would not share a photo with him. The irony was that, I had uploaded a photo to the site, it just had not been approved yet. One thing that makes me very uncomfortable is when I feel someone is trying to push me into doing something I am not willing to do of my own accord.
Of course, in the end, my final refusal to give him what he wanted, ended with him becoming belligerent and claiming he was going to block me. I was a little amused if not shocked at his sudden Jekyll and Hyde outburst, but overall, I was relieved. As I said to him, if it seems too good to be true ... it usually is.
I almost abandoned the site with a vow never to return, but then I received another message and the sender seemed very intriguing. So I stayed.
Moving on, I had a few more brief correspondences with various people but it all seemed off and disjointed. Everything was a mind game or audition of some sort and I got the feeling real sincerety was lacking. I guess maybe most people are as lost as I am, but two blind people fumbling around in the dark is not very useful.
So as the days grew on. while I was getting more excited by the prospect of making some kind of connection, I was also feeling a bit apprehensive. That's when I took a chance and sent a first email to two people whose profiles really reached out to me. I admire people that can express themselves through writing in a way that draws you in and helps you see a bit of what they see. Of course it could all be bullshit, but it's still fun to read.
Anyway out of these two individuals, I thought I had found people that I could really talk to and learn a lot from. However, the first, although intelligent, seemed to have some issues that were very disconcerting and the second, well, I really liked and discovered we had some surprising things in common. However, what I have come to accept is that, connections that are instantaneous are more than likely fleeting.
So after that, with the many exhausting inbox inquiries that seemed more of the same, I just deleted the account, made a new one and took leave from the site.
The other day, that need for a connection came back. It was just a small feeling and now, although I really really didn't want to, I logged into this new account and said to myself, "Well this time, just be honest," who can it really hurt?
I have no idea what I'm doing and I could attempt to explain why I'm here but it would be so vague and self indulgent, that it really would be a waste to convey it. Does there have to be a reason why I'm here? I was asked that question many times before and my conclusion is, no.
I may not have a real reason for being curious about BDSM, but I do know what I want. I just want to talk, without the theater. I just want to find one interesting and genuine person to chat about anything and everything with. I could've gone to some other website (and I have) but it's really all the same.
My cynical side says there is no belief in building real connections and friendships anymore. Maybe that's why I keep coming back, to anywhere I think I might luck up and find one.
So that's like my little confessional.
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