asking for a lil help

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lilmissattitude -> asking for a lil help (10/30/2008 8:11:10 AM)
i am a slightly long distance, slave/sub/baby girl/gf to my Sir...He brought something to me last night and i would like to do a lil research...i know that there have been posts on this matter, but can't seem to find them. i also have dial-up so searching page after page of topics is difficult. 1) My Sir and i started a cyber/phone relationship last August. Last September we met for the first time. we used protection the first few times, and i had had an IUD before we met. we see each other once or twice a month. the end of this past July, i got my menstrual cycle late. there was a pregnancy scare, but the next week i started no more problems since...or so i thought. Since this incident we have had sex only once or twice and he refuses to cum in me, scared that i might get pregnant. He told me last night that every time we start to get intimate that is all He can think of. any advice here would be greatly appreciated. 2) My Sir has also expressed that He has a hard time letting go and being able to beat me, or even discipline me because He is so caught up in having to take care of me. the last time He tried to, He grabbed me by my hair from my position over the edge of the bed and told me he might hurt me, would i love Him still if He did? i said yes. He asked if i was sure I wanted Him to really let go, as it might scare me that He would want to hurt me like that. i said yes. but i found out the hard way i was allergic to the toy He was using on me just before He was to begin beating me, and He immediately went into Daddy mode and lost the want to hurt me yet again. i thought it was just bad timing, but now He has told me that His wanting to take care of me is why He just can't let go anymore, and He isn't sure He ever really let Himself go with me. i want to be supportive and, i definitely can live with it if He never does beat me again. but if i can help Him get past this difficulty, which is something He seems to want my help with, i would rather do that than nothing. i do enjoy getting beat by Him and the times when it has been rougher has helped to sharpen my focus in serving Him, and also a release of the frustration i feel from the rest of my life. thank you for any and all help...please no bashing my beliefs or wants as this will not help me to serve Him better, however, i do welcome intelligent converse on these matters.

sailorfrank -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/30/2008 8:26:37 AM)
Hmmm??? Lets see whats a Four Letter word meaning to have intercourse.........TALK! Have you two sat down and really talked about what each of you wants or needs? Talking will help a lot and get you both in the right frame of mind okay? Stop guessing what each of you wants and instead....talk and find out. It will save a lot of trouble from coming down in your new relationship. Good luck to you both!

leadership527 -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/30/2008 8:42:59 AM)
Aside from agreeing with sailorfrank, I'll offer up that other sage piece of advice.... go slow. How about he hurts you a little. When he sees that you not only survived the experience but who knows, maybe even enjoyed it, then he can hurt you a little more. Insofar as pregnancy concerns, have you discussed this -- including all possible outcomes? I don't understand why this would be an issue assuming that you two are on the same page and trust each other.

lilmissattitude -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/30/2008 9:09:54 AM)
yes, we have talked about it. my Sir does not want to have um's at this time in His life. i already have four...so i am not looking to have anymore either. thus, the reason for the IUD. i have suggested condoms as well, but He is concerned that even this will not 100 % guarantee the results. which is kind of obvious, but that does not help the difficulty He is having with this. i have accepted that if it happens, it happens and i will deal with that, and cherish it as a blessing. it is not that i am looking for that at all, but i do understand that if you have sex, it is a possibility. also, He has beat me before, and i have enjoyed it and not been scared of it, but apparently, His need to take care of me and meet my needs is what is keeping Him from being able to let go and beat me at this time. i know other's have dealt with this and i am sure that some have been able to overcome this. perhaps there is something someone could suggest as a conversation starter that might help. thank you so much for your insights. i do appreciate them.

leadership527 -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/30/2008 9:45:26 AM)
quote: lilmissattitude said:also, He has beat me before, and i have enjoyed it and not been scared of it, but apparently, His need to take care of me and meet my needs is what is keeping Him from being able to let go and beat me at this time. OK, I'm grasping in the dark then. Can I ask a clarifying question? Does his hesitancy show up during all SM activities or is this particular to the punishment dynamic? In other words, will he spank you for pleasure, but not for discipline?

antipode -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/30/2008 10:49:39 AM)
I am not sure what advice you need on the pregnancy issue. What you do nee to know is that he does not have to ejaculate for you to get pregnant. If you are not now using protection you are being stupid (I am sorry to use that workd, but it is true) - I am having a hard time believing that you think he has to ejaculate for that to happen. So get a test - now. Then see your doctor and get on the pill, or do an IUD (why did you have that removed?). The way you guys are going one of you wants to get you pregnant. Right now, you are no longer in any kind of control. Secondly, your dom, or whatever he is, has gone vanilla on you. He wants, I think, a permanent relationship (the above points to that, as well). I think you need to wake up and at least understand where this is going - again. I have a hard time believing you are really this naive. And I think the two of you are setting yourself up for a situation that you haven't talked about, may not want, and aren't prepared for. It is neither unknown for a male to surreptitiously impregnate a female, nor for a female to surreptitiously have herself impregnated, as a way of manipulating the relationship. I'll never forget the secretary I had never touched who said I'd banged her, and got her pregnant. This was five years after I had my vasectomy, which she of course didn't know about. And if you are sure you do not have ulterior motives, stop trusting him, now.

lilmissattitude -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 3:23:34 AM)
Antidope. firstly, i am not stupid and i did state that i have an IUD. i never said i had it removed. i am sorry for the confusion. i meant that i had an iud inserted before we even met. not that i had it removed. i am not pregnant, as i stated that my cycle did start and everything has been fine since then. i do know that there is a higher concentration of sperm in pre-ejaculate. i am most definitely not naive in this area. the 4 um's i have are from a previous 17 year marriage. i also stated that neither of us are looking to get pregnant. since He is quite disconcerted whenever we try to get intimate, i dont believe that He is looking for that, and i am now a single mother, so i definitely dont want any more at this time or any time in the near future, if ever. [I think you need to wake up and at least understand where this is going - again. I have a hard time believing you are really this naive. And I think the two of you are setting yourself up for a situation that you haven't talked about, may not want, and aren't prepared for. ] i am not sure what you mean by "again". i also said that we had talked about these things which would be why i came here, to see if there was any advice one could give regarding how i may help Him and be there to serve Him and show Him my support even more than i have been. calling me naive is not helpful in that manner. i do, however, appreciate that you took the time to respond. thank you for that

lilmissattitude -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 3:37:21 AM)
[/quote] OK, I'm grasping in the dark then. Can I ask a clarifying question? Does his hesitancy show up during all SM activities or is this particular to the punishment dynamic? In other words, will he spank you for pleasure, but not for discipline? [/quote] no it is kind of the opposite, as in He will give me a swat or two for not doing something He has told me to do, but it seems to be forced, i think because i have expressed the need for me to be held accountable for doing the things that He tells me to do, otherwise i wouldn't do them out of pure forgetfulness. and the spanking for pleasure has all but stopped. He does talk about it when i get a lil bratty over the phone before He comes to visit, but then when He gets here, the urge to do it seems to have dissipated. He also used to have me kneel for Him both when we were on the phone and when He came to visit me and i have noticed that that has stopped too. i suppose it could be that some aspects of our relationship have "gone vanilla", but after talking to Him regarding this, it doesnt seem that is what He wants. i really am just asking for some advice for conversation starters or something i might be able to research that may be able to help me in my servitude and acceptance of what our relationship has grown into, and what i might do to see IF there are ways to get some of the initial bdsm side of our relationship back. again thank you for your help.

WannaSPOON -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 4:14:18 AM)
It's just a suggestion but you could try more to initiate a few of the things. You sound disappointed he doesn't have you kneel in front of him, maybe you could just DO it as before just without his command. If you like OTK spanking, put yourself in that position and see what happens. If he doesn't get the hint, move his hand to your rear and see. Hopefully you can find some way to get things started. Another thought would be to just write out your thoughts and e-mail or print them out and give them to him. Have him ask questions if he has any and start from there. He sounds like a bit of a shy guy so maybe he needs a little more of a subtle start.

scottishdove -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 4:19:03 AM)
what about just relaxing, spending time with him, and seeing where you two go following his natural instincts? things are evolving between you, but not in a negative way.. he is still spending time with you and interacting with you. perhaps if you introduce a spermacidal jelly or condoms again with sex, it might ease his concerns about pregnancy. condoms are just a good thing in general anyways. if he doesnt want to beat you.. what does he want to do? maybe do less topping from the bottom, and you might find out what kind of Dom he is naturally.. maybe you might like it once you try it. he might relax and develop more as a Dom too, if he wasn't getting this pressure to do specific things that you want him to do. just enjoy the man, and the Dom will take care of itself

windchymes -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 4:57:49 AM)
It's sounds like a normal relationship progression, be it a vanilla one or one that's kink-based. Most, if not almost all relationships can burn hot at the beginning and then wane down to something more comfy and mundane. Perhaps the "honeymoon" stage has worn off for him before it has for you? Or, maybe the BDSM stuff was just a momentary "thing" for him, he tried it, it was okay, but it didn't keep his interest. But it sounds as though he has deep feelings for you, and that's not a bad thing. On the more negative side, it's possible that the two of you aren't a compatible dom & sub, if you're wanting more hardcore and he has a gentler nature. It happens. If he is that terrified of getting someone pregnant, he really ought to look into getting that fixed permanently, a vasectomy. Just sayin' there.

lilmissattitude -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 7:05:49 AM)
Antipode, i just realized that i spelled your screenname wrong. i tried to edit it, but can't seem to. i do very much apologize..it was truly a mistake.

lilmissattitude -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 7:18:08 AM)
wannaSPOON, thank you for your suggesting to perhaps kneel in front of Him and see if that is something He wants or reacts to positively i will try that tonight, when He comes to visit me. scottishdove, my Sir asked me to research this and see if there was something i could do to help and and be supportive so i dont believe that this would be topping from the bottom. i believe i also said that if He never beat me again i could certainly live with that. He has expressed that He wants to be able to move past this and get some of this previous part of our relationship back, and with my help. windchymes, yes, He has told me He loves me deeply, and i am willing to accept a totally vanilla relationship if that is where it goes. i am deeply in love with my Sir and enjoy pleasing Him even in the every day mundane details of life. we have also discussed a vasectomy, and He is considering it, however, He is still young and has had no children, so doctors may not be as inclined to do this surgery because of the chance of a change of heart. we are also aware that a vasectomy is not 100% either. thank you every one for your help and supportive spirits.

CruelDesires -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 7:20:06 AM)
Sounds like you chose someone to have a relationship with who is not kinky and did it in the beginning to just appease you. Now that things are progressing along, he's decided that he doesn't want to do the kinky "play" stuff anymore. Deal with it and continue the relationship or move on. You have your choices . C-D

lilmissattitude -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 7:30:09 AM)
CruelDesires, actually He was into this way before i knew Him...i believe over 10 years. i met Him on collarme once i realized this was something i was into. since He asked me to research this, "getting over it" would not be in accordance to His wishes. However, if He would like me to "get over it" and accept that this IS what He wants, i would accept that as well.

WhiplashSmile2 -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 10:09:37 AM)
Just wanted to let you know this thread inspired me to start another thread.. http://www.collarchat.com/m_2244085/tm.htm

lilmissattitude -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 10:42:27 AM)
i wanted to thank you so much for this. you have expressed exactly what i have tried to convey without success. the thread you started helped me to see my own heart and desires a lil more deeply as well. again, thank you

CruelDesires -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 3:50:16 PM)
Sometimes you have to respond to what people do.. rather then what they say. If by his actions he does not fill that "need" that you have for certian types of play and interaction, then going by his actions he may be forcing you into a choice. Stay with him and accept him the way he is and the way he treats you. Or, move on. Also... Just because someone has been in the lifestyle for years and has been kinky with other women, does not mean that he wants to be kinky with you. shrugs C-D

WannaSPOON -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 3:59:40 PM)
Best of luck to you, lilmissattitude. Hopefully things will sort themselves quickly[:)].

mstrj69 -> RE: asking for a lil help (10/31/2008 11:39:18 PM)
You mentioned that you found out you were alergic to the toy he was using and since then he stopped beating you. How did you discover this? Maybe he thought you had changed your mind about wanting him to beat you. Have you asked him to bring all his toys with him so you can determine which ones you are alergic to and which ones will not bother you? Maybe this will reinforce for him that you really do want him to beat you. Alternatively ask him if you can have someone else beat you when you feel you deserve it if he does not want to do it himself. He probably will say no and will do it himself.

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