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Gwynvyd -> Red State Blue State (10/30/2008 1:55:50 PM)
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Dear Red States...
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to
form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue
States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes
Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan,
Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will
be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people
of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and
all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best
beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel, Apple and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get
Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.We get 85 percent of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get
Alabama . We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to
make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent
lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of
happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be
pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all
our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to
fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're
apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose,
and they don't care if you don't show pictures of
their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you
success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up, but
we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's
Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm
control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more
than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of
the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's
quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech
industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister
schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will
have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and
their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S.
mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent
of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists,
virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of
Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite , thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red
states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62
percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing
the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution
is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in
9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b ** ***ds believe you are
people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too.
You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .
Peace out, Blue States
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