Intro to Dom and other questions

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EqualX -> Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 12:03:26 AM)
Alright, so, the number one question on my mind: I don't know if I can be a Dom. I have little experience with the lifestyle, but I have spent two years in a solid relationship with someone who's had much more interest than I've expressed. In fact, things seem to have fallen apart over the fact that this person believed I wouldn't take her seriously. Now, in an attempt to make things work, I need to know a few things about the lifestyle and about the people who practice, and no FAQ online seems to address my concerns quite correctly. -I don't know if I can be a dom, I've never had much desire in either the dom or sub direction. I have been told quite adamantly that it isn't something one can 'force' (or perhaps a better word is learn) - you either discover it as you become sexually aware, or you don't. -I am willing and interested in pursuing this, and really, not just for this relationship. I have never pursued it due to a lack of knowledge or internal drive to find that out. -This is not just a relationship post: at this point, it's a lot to patch up and it's not all in my hands. I would like, should the opportunity arise in the future, to feel a little more comfortable about the whole subject though, and the exploration would certainly help. If I'm taken seriously (hell, I'm actually hoping I didn't stumble into the wrong forum to be asking these questions), I will have more questions to post.

MissIsis -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 12:10:59 AM)
I know people get tired of me saying this, but there is a great deal to be said about attending munches & events. Meeting people & observing, is a great way to get a feel for things. Simply observing is nice. You can learn a great deal & going to classes & events can help you gain skills & hone those you already have. But it is when you actually get to know people who practice the lifestyle when you can get a much better feel for what works for other people, & eventually, what will work for you in the real world that we all have to live in. In getting to know people, you will find some great mentors. You will learn what to do, & maybe more importantly what not to do. Be open to learning, & to new experiences for both you & your partner.

EqualX -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 12:18:44 AM)
Thanks, and the advice is well met. Allow me now to fill in the situation and elaborate more on the issues I am specifically faced with: I am interested in the local community, and had agreed to go with my partner to one of these events. However, my partner decided to break it off before the event began. Now she's been experimenting with the members of that community, because I failed to step up to her needs (other misc fights, we needed a break probably), and I know she'd even experimented before she asked me to put the relationship on hold, without my knowledge. I am seriously wounded by this, but in spite of it am trying to apply some effort to meeting her expectations, in case I ever get another chance (it's quite possible). This someone is and has been very important to me for a long time - her suddenly grouping with friends who are part of the local community has prompted a good amount of this drama and pain to be dealt, and I'm looking to be ready to better meet the needs of the whole relationship (this included) if I get the opportunity to do so.

GreedyTop -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 12:23:07 AM)
Equal.. there is no reason why you cant attend events and such on your own,is there? Maybe by attending she'll see that you are truly interested in learning. Don't push her..let her see that you are making an effort.. that you are open to learning.. keep communication open with her if you can.. good luck, I wish you the best...

EqualX -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 1:19:31 AM)
The one piece of advice that I can pick out amidst all the IRL sources I've run across that I am trying my damnedest to stick with is: I decided long ago that she is worth it, that hasn't changed. I know in this respect I'm hopeless towards any advice of walking away that I might receive, and maybe that feeling will pass given more time. I hope not though. I guess I should re-iterate this, as I didn't find absolute clarity so far: Is it the general opinion of the BDSM community that a person discovers their Dom side, and cannot simply work to make it happen? I appreciate the point that if all one ever does is fake it for the sake of the sub, it won't work. But if someone can learn to like the role, because it makes the other in the relationship enjoy it, than surely pleasure could be derived from that (that's about the only thing I know about my own sexuality in regards to BDSM), and thus 'learning to be a Dom' is possible. It seems, from the browsing I've done, that even those naturally inclined to Dom have quite a bit to learn about it before they can perform properly.

GreedyTop -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 1:51:05 AM)
E.. nothing is written in stone. If you WANT to dom her, and she WANTS you to do it... as long as you do not find it inherently opposed to your personal nature, then I think (and this is just MY OPINION./.take it for what it's worth) you should be able to develop your dominant side. DISCLAIMER I imagine there will be a number of people that will disagree with my above comments.. but do what works for YOU! do not let anything that internet strangers dictate to you determine how you proceed... hugs to ya both and happy journeys!

colouredin -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 2:29:16 AM)
I agree with GT, you have to do what works for you, its as all relationships are personal, there are no right or wrong ways to make yourself happy the point is you try to make yourself happy. Trial and error, dont give up and good luck.

MissIsis -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 3:38:10 AM)
You know, it is always possible that she may just enjoy being topped, & only being dominated some of the time. Finding out to what degree & how much is part of the fun of the journey. Whatever you or the two of you decide, make sure you take some time now & again to just have fun & some laughter. It is easy to get caught up in the technicalities of "am I doing this right, or you said this is what you wanted," but the journey doesn't have to be serious every single moment. As you get to know the members of your community, it may be that the people she has been experimenting with, may, in time become some of your strongest allies. I agree with GT about attending the munches &/or events on your own even if she backs out.

chamberqueen -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 4:58:01 AM)
Let's start by clearing a couple of things up. 1) BDSM is not only about sex. You say something in your original post about it being a sex drive, but for many it is more of a true desire to either be in charge or to submit to someone. For others it has to do with giving or receiving some type of pain or discipline. In some lifestyle relationships sex isn't even involved. 2) You are correct in thinking that just because someone "wants" to be a Dom that it doesn't necessarily make them so. When I decided to be a Domme I read books, went to munches, interviewed both subs and Dom/mes, learned safety aspects, learned about the emotional aspects and talked with subs about the things that most hurt their feelings, and then practiced my skills online before taking someone real time. It is important to learn the cornerstones - trust and communication. You need to trust your own skills before applying them to someone else, including using any "toys" on yourself before using them on another. 3) It looks like you are using this to "fix" a relationship. Since it sounds like the relationship may be a lost cause it is important that you decide whether this is something that YOU really want for YOU.

Rover -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 6:13:58 AM)
Are you doing this to please you, or to please her? Then answer to that may be quite illuminating. John

xxblushesxx -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 6:26:07 AM)
The few times I have tried to "domme" someone, it's been an unmitigated diasaster. Because I really didn't have the heart of a domme, and I couldn't pull it off. We ended up laughing at me more than anything.

EqualX -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 6:56:33 AM)
Chamber: 1) I know this, and I implied incorrectly to my understanding of the facts of what being Dommed encompasses. 2) This seems to be the dominant theme for an answer to my question, so I'll work on it now, and eventually have to make that decision for myself, when I know enough to make the call. 3) It's true. But the signal that she also wanted to fix the relationship was what I was lacking for a long time. Now I think I've gotten some signals in that direction, so life is better. Rover: In some senses, both of us. I have always tended toward pleasing others in a relationship, and in this case so has she. But I've also played a little on the other side of that, since she was comfortable and curious, and I was not put off by that role, it just felt a little undefined still (probably due to the vast amount of information out there that I wasn't looking at or aware of). Blushes: :D But I know I'd rather try and be the laughing stock of an evening or three than presume against it. However, it's a well met reminder that I shouldn't let that laughter hurt me. Thanks! Thank you to all of you who have responded. I will continue to appreciate any comments or advice someone feels is worth giving, this random act of kindness from strangers over the internet is reaffirming to my faith in humanity (Enough web browsing seems to take a little of that out of everyone now and then :P )

xxblushesxx -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 7:41:32 AM)
For (imo) some of the best info regarding bdsm on the internet, check out Mistress Steel's chamber: http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

Rover -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 7:47:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx For (imo) some of the best info regarding bdsm on the internet, check out Mistress Steel's chamber: http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html There are several articles related to Leather history on this site that are rather weak on facts, and overly reliant upon myth (or at least that was the case last time I looked, which was admittedly quite some time ago). That said, there is much there of value. John

NihilusZero -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 8:37:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rover Are you doing this to please you, or to please her? Then answer to that may be quite illuminating. John Glad I'm not the only one seeing an odd predisposition to a certain side of the kneel here.

NihilusZero -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 8:52:31 AM)
To the point... While there is a certain romantic chivalry in the arduous attempt to scale a mountain because your former significant other is at the top and expects you to (or will walk away before you get there) I'm not seeing (despite your verbal reassurances) any motivation concerning your doing this for you own reasons; reasons that are not attached to a desperation to recover her attention. While you can nearly always find wheelbarrowfulls of advice for these topics that are aimed at how to carefully navigate the exploration with your partner and praising the deference to the other person in the relationship, I think it undermines the very crucial point that this is something profoundly intimate and personal to you, individually. This does not need to be something you journey upon strictly with her (or with any other person) and that you are stepping upon new ground with a goal in mind that is not truly yours (which will cause self-dishonesty) does not bode well. Start figuring out the answers to the questions of what is best for you without any influence of hers in the picture. And, lastly...not that you do not have your own choice in which sides you wish to pursue or that you can't balance multiple...but the natural characteristics I see you displaying here appear to subtly point to more of an inner submissiveness than dominance. You appear to be trying to force something in you that either may not be there or that may take a bit more time to develop...but it's not so much that you are not "allowed" to do that, it's the fact that I see you forsaking an honest introspection about where you fit with your own wishes and desires in this entirety of WIITWD.

antipode -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 8:58:20 AM)
In my view, you either are a dom, or you're not. You should be able to clearly recognize this in your own personality. I don't think it is something you can play-act,. an if you say "no desire", you're not. Others may see grey areas, though..

RexLongBeach -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 9:05:59 AM)
A key challenge you're facing is separating the Dominance/submission questions from the relationship questions. At the moment, they're very intertwined, which makes it more difficult to get to actionable answers. To the extent that you can get clarity on where your desires end and hers begin, you'll be much better off. Since you're on a "break" from the relationship it may be a good time for some introspection. What, really, do you want for yourself from your relationship? You're not going to be able to "please" her (or yourself, for that matter) by forcing yourself to act like a Dominant. You said you've not had any inclinations to be Dom (or sub) before now. It's a relationship cliché that people don't change. But, do you need to change? Or would you like to grow into the undeveloped persona that's already lurking beneath the surface? There are any number of reasons why people stay far away from their "kinky" sides - fear and shame being prime among them. At the tender age of 21, your role in relationships has plenty of time to evolve. At some point, there was a strong spark between you and her. What was it? Where did the energy that made it come from? You could be "vanilla", but many folks who would never identify as being "Dominant" or "submissive" enjoy light restraint, spankings, role playing, etc. So, that's one option to consider. Another possibility: you're one of those folks I refer to as "vanilla Doms." That is, not into kink, and not active in the BDSM community, but generally a leader, a guy who is comfortable with authority and responsibility. If that's the case, it may be that you don't need to change as much as to learn more about yourself, and grow into your Dominance. There are other possibilities. Only you can really decide who you are, yes? So, it could be you'll end up looking all the clap-trap and rigamarole that is involved with Dominance and decide it's more trouble than it's worth. That's ok too. My bottom line: whether you're Dom or not needs to start and end with you. It's good that you're asking for facts, but you're also going to have to do some rather raw emotional self-exploration to get to a meaningful conclusion. Good luck and have fun, Rex

SimplyMichael -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 9:06:24 AM)
quote: EqualX I didn't discover BDSM until I was in my mid 30s and did so more by accident than anything else. I didn't have fantasies about it or any of that other stuff so relax, you are only 21. I would assume your girlfriend is also young which is why she was vacuumed up by your local bdsm group as young women tend to me more desirable than old ones, certainly by the sort of lowlifes that would not respect someone's relationship and break one up to get at fresh meat. They also tend to be really piss poor dominants and she is likely to be up for grabs again, which is your chance. You are going into a group that was willing to do this so you better get some serious clarity fast. If you are going in to win her back, you are going to have a much harder time than if you go in to learn for yourself. Now that is NOT to say you can't win her back but going in to win her back is going to be bigtime drama. Let me give you a tip, if you are at all good looking the older women who complain that men are only interested in younger women will flock to you as well (broad generalization people so climb down off the gun towers) and my suggestion is to play with a select few AFTER you have spent some time watching. As for learning to be a dominant, if you are at all turned on in that direction, the basics are rather simple. Part of your problem is that what most of us older folks are going to consider and see as "good domination" may not be what a young girl is looking for. They tend to be trapped in the fantasy of dominEERing = "good domination" which is why she may be with a putz. You need to learn how to create a good vanilla relationship is advice I would give most but it TENDS to be a bit less true for someone your age. However, look at where you two had issues and ask how to deal with those. The other thing is look back at what she said she wanted, figure out the skills you need to do that and get them, we can help. Oh, and as for liking to please, don't listen to those desperate to equate wanting to please with wanting to be submissive. Could be true, I mean if the thought of her dominating you makes your knees weak and your cock hard, you might need to look for a different sort of girl. So the question is, the few things you did do, did the concept excite you but you were on unsafe ground and so couldn't relax and enjoy them? If so, find every bookstore around, especially a borders or barnes and noble where you can just sit down and read. Read anything on bdsm they have, luckily they won't have anything from the Steel Door website as I think the woman is a nutcase. If you can find Midori's book The Wild Side of Sex that is a great one as is John Warren's The Loving Dominant. You could buy them but I figure at 21 you aren't loaded with cash, you can find used copies sometimes in bookstores but you luck in Minnesota isn't likely to be as good as mine in California.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Intro to Dom and other questions (10/31/2008 9:14:10 AM)
quote: -I don't know if I can be a dom, I've never had much desire in either the dom or sub direction. I have been told quite adamantly that it isn't something one can 'force' (or perhaps a better word is learn) - you either discover it as you become sexually aware, or you don't. Reading this, my reaction is "you're not a 'dom'". While it is possible for dominant and submissive personality types to "top" and "bottom" in various scenes, it is not possible for someone who does not have a dominant personality type to act as if he does. This is, I should emphasize, an observation and not a criticism. We are as we are, whatever we are. Ultimately, whether you are dominant, submissive, or "vanilla" is determined not by your partners wants, needs, and desires, but by your own. In this regard, your preferences must take precedence. The difficult part is, based on your OP, there is a real chance your relationship will fail if your desires are not on the path of dominance. Sadly, in exploring these roles, we sometimes find that those whom we think are good partners and lovers are ultimately not well suited for us.

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