Willingness Versus an Agenda

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CatdeMedici -> Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/2/2008 5:34:15 AM)
I thought this might be a good post for the Domme's out there regarding submissive posts and profiles---there is a fine line IMHO between willingness and the predefined fantasy agenda. So Ladies, how do you separate those?

hereyesruponyou -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/2/2008 6:31:59 AM)
I think tone is a big part of figuring out the difference. There is nothing wrong with saying "Here are my fantasies, but what is most important to me is You." There generally will either be a real effort at getting to know you as a person or not. That is what does it for me. I try to move quickly to a more conversational style such as yahoo because it gives that impression much quicker, especially if they are a DoMe type. Example, my pet read my journal entry and sent a brief message about the Redskins. We sent a few mails back and forth then began chatting, mostly about football and some about our interests here. We developed a friendship that led naturally to exploring more here. Now even when he gets a bit whiney about wanting something specific, i am at least open to listening to him, and can often incorporate that into a reward for something he is less interested in that i desire.

FullfigRIMaam -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/2/2008 10:17:20 AM)
The difference for me, though maybe not for the person trying to communicate with me, is an inability to chat or converse about anything beyond kinky play. For some, god forbid you stumble upon something they enjoy in conversation; the conversation immediately becomes all about that. If I have to continually try to stear the conversation back, I usually think more his agenda than moi the lady, so end it. M

AAkasha -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/2/2008 12:18:42 PM)
My follow up question to submissives and femdoms alike would be this. If you are at the "get to know you" stage with a woman and there is no doubt in your mind, yes, she is a femdom and she has experience, is there any reason, ever, to tell her about your fetishes or fantasies WITHOUT her asking you? Are you afraid she is too shy to ask? Are you worried she might overlook something? Is there a reason why you should not just keep it to yourself? When I get to know submissives, it's very rare that they keep their fantasies to themselves, and usually in a very short time they have volunteered information about what kinks they have, or they've started the topic rather than waiting for me to do it. It's not a dealbreaker, but it's disappointing when these talks happen before ones about what it is about domination that I enjoy, or about my life or hobbies. I think many subs just are nervous and unsure about how to handle it so they slip up, but it removes the opportunity to do the investigative work and questioning on my own. It doesn't bother me THAT much if I am really digging the guy; if I am on the fence about him, it can make him lose a few points. Akasha

Lockit -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/2/2008 12:38:09 PM)
Well after the sixth email today where words are left out and they all claim to be American Indian and about three dominant's emailing last night wanting to play on the other side, but in a dominant submissive way and about ten youngsters looking for a MILF and four submissive's into kink and not reading... my last twenty four hours left me a bit disgusted. lol But in the mix, there were the men who had actually read my profile. They wrote about something there and didn't send their phone number or untraceable (to me) yahoo address. They spoke with respect without undo submission or insecurity and continued conversations about interesting things. Then there were those that I have gotten to know because they did the same. After a while you can tell who is sincere and who plays a game and those lil red flags will be very clear. But for each of us it's different and what one will accept, another will toss out. But, I go on simple things. Does it seem English is their first language and if not, are they telling the truth about where they live and what they are doing here? If they speak English but it seems they mix topic's in one sentence and my head shakes to and fro trying to make out what they are actually saying... I tend to walk away thinking they had a bit too much to drink. Then if they read the profile and still don't understand, I know they read from the home page or visited only to see the pictures. Of course then you have those that will send form letters and you can tell those very easily. The simple thing for me is if they sound like a person who isn't caught in a fantasy or want a one night stand kink style and treat me like a person and not a mistress play toy... WE have a chance to get to know one another. But those are more rare and worthy, but they do appear once in a while.

chezzy71 -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/3/2008 9:49:56 AM)
I would think at least for me that a Domme would be open to knowing about me as well and everything about me,not just my fetishes.I would be happy indeed if the conversation flowed freely and that protocol for the most part took a back seat for a bit anyways.Afterall,we are but strangers are we not??Dommes will always have my respect when i am making the initial contact and if that is expanded to more conversation and a meet and greet so to speak.I know time is fleeting but if we don't take the necessary steps to ensure healthy dialouge and move with the might perseverance of an avalanche...then why bother??..Editors note:i know an avalanche moves rather quickly..but it does take time for it to develop to wreak the devastation it creates by happening.I am not looking to wreak..just go slow.

Lockit -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/3/2008 10:21:19 AM)
This morning I find a guy who emails who says he loves my smile and with that offers to move to me and serve me well and sends his phone number. Okay... that to me says... I am not in the real world. Hey a smile is a wonderous thing, but it isn't that wonderous! A respectful... without dynamic's email goes a long, long way! Cheezy there is everything right about your approach as far as it is covered here! (smile)

PeonForHer -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/3/2008 11:06:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha My follow up question to submissives and femdoms alike would be this. If you are at the "get to know you" stage with a woman and there is no doubt in your mind, yes, she is a femdom and she has experience, is there any reason, ever, to tell her about your fetishes or fantasies WITHOUT her asking you? Are you afraid she is too shy to ask? Are you worried she might overlook something? Is there a reason why you should not just keep it to yourself?[/ I think you're right, Akasha - if the domme in question is that experienced and confident of herself. You clearly don't fit into that category. However, if she's shy it can be very awkward to deal with. Here in the UK I have found more dommes who are in the "shy" category, I'm afraid. I've found that I've nearly always been asked for my fantasies first. This, to me, has the subtext of "You open up about your deepest and innermost first, thereby putting yourself in the vulnerable position first". The only real answer that "works" for both her and me then is something like "to do what you want me to do". it's disappointing when these talks happen before ones about what it is about domination that I* enjoy, or about my life or hobbies.* Life and hobbies - easy. Getting to know the vanilla side of a woman isn't really a problem for myself nor, I think, many men. It's moving beyond that level of conversation that creates difficulties. I'm always fascinated to learn. I hear strangely little about why and how dommes like to dominate; where it all comes from, what it feels like. I don't like to ask more than very tentatively in case I come across as interrogative; or, it looks like I'm just trying to get an instant, free buzz. As always, everything, but everything, would be so much easier if only both sub and domme were confident in what they were and what they wanted.

ShaktiSama -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/3/2008 10:03:56 PM)
Heh...reading this thread I can't help but think of the idiot who has sent me two spams already about how he's dying to submit and serve and how he absolutely hates eating his cum, has never done that for anybody, and would even do that for me if I demanded it. See how willing he is? "Puh-LEEEAZE, Br'er Domme, don't throw me in that theah Briah Patch!"

sensualslave28 -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/4/2008 3:58:19 AM)
so what pecentage of replies do you like then -m sure there must be a few genuine ones amongst us???

chezzy71 -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/4/2008 4:28:01 AM)
Thank you Lockit for your kind words.Theyare very much appreciated.It just shows how classy you are in complimenting me.Best of luck with the new move by the way.

pixelslave -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/4/2008 3:57:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha My follow up question to submissives and femdoms alike would be this. If you are at the "get to know you" stage with a woman and there is no doubt in your mind, yes, she is a femdom and she has experience, is there any reason, ever, to tell her about your fetishes or fantasies WITHOUT her asking you? Are you afraid she is too shy to ask? Are you worried she might overlook something? Is there a reason why you should not just keep it to yourself? When I get to know submissives, it's very rare that they keep their fantasies to themselves, and usually in a very short time they have volunteered information about what kinks they have, or they've started the topic rather than waiting for me to do it. It's not a dealbreaker, but it's disappointing when these talks happen before ones about what it is about domination that I enjoy, or about my life or hobbies. I think many subs just are nervous and unsure about how to handle it so they slip up, but it removes the opportunity to do the investigative work and questioning on my own. It doesn't bother me THAT much if I am really digging the guy; if I am on the fence about him, it can make him lose a few points. Akasha Interesting question Akasha. While I totally get your point and generally agree with it, as a counterpoint I've seen women's profiles who ask for information about one's fantasies and fetishes in a letter of introduction, which I personally thought was a bit much to ask for in an "I'd like to get to know you" situation. Guess this one just serves to add even more evidence that each domme is unique! [;)] - pixel

AAkasha -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/4/2008 4:22:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pixelslave Interesting question Akasha. While I totally get your point and generally agree with it, as a counterpoint I've seen women's profiles who ask for information about one's fantasies and fetishes in a letter of introduction, which I personally thought was a bit much to ask for in an "I'd like to get to know you" situation. Guess this one just serves to add even more evidence that each domme is unique! [;)] - pixel Did you consider that maybe there were not women, but men pretending to be women, looking for fantasy material? And more importantly, if a woman (or someone you assumed to be a woman) asked for what you considered inappropriate personal information about your fetishes up front, why not just pass on her completely? No one is twisting your arm. It reminds me of the scenario where subs use honorifics for fear of "offending" a potential mate, which indicates they are more worried about blowing it with an unrealistic, demanding woman vs. blowing it with a woman that wants a relationship first and a slave after there's some chemistry. I think some subs like the idea that a woman they don't know wants to know all their deep, nasty, dark sexual fantasies without even knowing them -- instant boner, and they are off to the races. Akasha

PeonForHer -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/4/2008 5:06:23 PM)
Did you consider that maybe there were not women, but men pretending to be women, looking for fantasy material? And more importantly, if a woman (or someone you assumed to be a woman) asked for what you considered inappropriate personal information about your fetishes up front, why not just pass on her completely? No one is twisting your arm. It reminds me of the scenario where subs use honorifics for fear of "offending" a potential mate, which indicates they are more worried about blowing it with an unrealistic, demanding woman vs. blowing it with a woman that wants a relationship first and a slave after there's some chemistry. I think some subs like the idea that a woman they don't know wants to know all their deep, nasty, dark sexual fantasies without even knowing them -- instant boner, and they are off to the races. Hmmm. I don't think I've ever seen a non-pro-domme's profile ask for details of fantasies straight off. The prodommes' profiles nearly always list what they're "into", unsurprisingly, though don't usually explicitly ask that subs send back theirs. But men pretending to be women to elicit hand-shandy-fodder? Gods, where does it end?

Lockit -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/4/2008 5:09:14 PM)
Peon! You know the answer to that! When you cam with them and give them a few shots!

PeonForHer -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/4/2008 5:40:09 PM)
Hmm. If what I thought was a domme asked for such cam pics, alarms would go off in my head. Women are much too nice to request such things, aren't they?

Lockit -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/4/2008 5:45:10 PM)
ROFL don't count on it.

pixelslave -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/8/2008 6:45:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha quote: ORIGINAL: pixelslave Interesting question Akasha. While I totally get your point and generally agree with it, as a counterpoint I've seen women's profiles who ask for information about one's fantasies and fetishes in a letter of introduction, which I personally thought was a bit much to ask for in an "I'd like to get to know you" situation. Guess this one just serves to add even more evidence that each domme is unique! [;)] - pixel Did you consider that maybe there were not women, but men pretending to be women, looking for fantasy material? In this particular case, I know it's not a man pretending to be a woman, but instead is in fact a woman. quote: And more importantly, if a woman (or someone you assumed to be a woman) asked for what you considered inappropriate personal information about your fetishes up front, why not just pass on her completely? No one is twisting your arm. Did I say I provided the information requested in the profile or that I even responded to it? No Akasha, instead, I only made the observation that there are some who ask those questions up front. To me, it was simply further evidence that not all femdommes are the same or think alike. [&:] It reminds me of the scenario where subs use honorifics for fear of "offending" a potential mate, which indicates they are more worried about blowing it with an unrealistic, demanding woman vs. blowing it with a woman that wants a relationship first and a slave after there's some chemistry. I think some subs like the idea that a woman they don't know wants to know all their deep, nasty, dark sexual fantasies without even knowing them -- instant boner, and they are off to the races. Akasha As you said "some"... Personally, I prefer a woman who's looking for a relationship and feel no need to reveal inimate information about myself of that kind until at least a friendhsip has first been established. Chances are, once I've gotten to know her better, she's going to become the subject of those fantasies anyway. I don't tend to have random fantasies about just anyone in particular. They typically involve a woman with whom I have a bond and not just anyone who's on the cover of the latest magazine. That's just the way I'm wired. [shrug] - pixel

DominaSusan -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/8/2008 7:26:16 PM)
Personally, I like to hear about sub fantasies. There are so many variations of what I can do and I always try to work the fantasy, or a variation of it, into the scene. However, I always please myself first and if the fantasy is just not my thing-then it’s not happening.

LaTigresse -> RE: Willingness Versus an Agenda (11/9/2008 4:39:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMaam The difference for me, though maybe not for the person trying to communicate with me, is an inability to chat or converse about anything beyond kinky play. For some, god forbid you stumble upon something they enjoy in conversation; the conversation immediately becomes all about that. If I have to continually try to stear the conversation back, I usually think more his agenda than moi the lady, so end it. M Exactly! It doesn't take long to realize that to them, you are just a life support system for their fantasies. They do not express one iota of give a damn, about you as a person. And trust me, it's not only the male sub/slaves. I can think of several females that I know for certain are females (via phone or whatever) that are so obsessed with their kink that they cannot get past that, to discuss anything else.

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