Lack of control (Full Version)

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littlemisssnarf -> Lack of control (11/2/2008 7:59:50 AM)

ok so i was let go a couple of days ago.... For him it wasn't working and and i respect the fact that he was honest and upfront and didn't lead me on (we hadn't been together for long but had spent most weekends in each others company and spoke every day....) i had a day of crying but have dusted myself down again and have realised that actually it's more the control and rituals i miss than him as a person so he was probably right to finish things.... gosh that sounds harsh and i really don't mean it to.... He is an amazing guy!

Anyway, my question is what do you do when suddenly the daily duties are no longer there? Feels so strange!!



sunshinemiss -> RE: Lack of control (11/2/2008 8:06:37 AM)

Hi there lil miss,
I too had that problem.  I was lucky enough to have been with a man who understood the depth of his mastery of me and he allowed me to call him when days were really hard and he helped me through them.  *Weekends were really hard for me*.  I maintained some of the rituals and replaced some with my own.  I need the structure, so I just used what he had given me and modified as necessary.  Of course without the mastery, over time these things have fallen by the wayside. 

Another thing that helped me is a number of good strong Masters/Mistresses that were willing to help me a bit through my time... they felt that it was their responsibility to make sure I was ok.  They, as a community, understood the depth of a girl's devotion and need for structure and mastery and made sure I behaved, helped me make decisions, and made sure I cared for myself and didn't get *too* lazy.  *smiles.

Get support from others, from him if you can, and hang in there.  I'm happy to chat with you over on the other side, so c-mail me if you'd like.

Well wishes,
sunshine



littlemisssnarf -> RE: Lack of control (11/2/2008 8:14:08 AM)

hey sunshine...

thanks for the reply.... and i'm sorry you've been here too..... 

i like the idea of modifying some of the rituals and can think of a few i can keep up to help me maintain some of the structure - good advice!

this community is amazing and like you i am lucky enough to have some great friends - although i find it hard to lean on them as i hate to think of myself as being a burden to them! But you are right when you say the depth of a girl's devotion and need for structure and mastery is a strong one.... i will pick up the phone and lean a little....

hugs and thank you once again for your reply and offer of a natter - of course the offer is extended to you also....

xx



antipode -> RE: Lack of control (11/2/2008 10:03:02 AM)

quote:

being a burden to them


I hear and see this comment on many occasions. I find it (and I don't mean this in an unpleasant way) disrespectful. Look at it this way: Friend is down. I offer support. She says the above. Huh? What? Does she really think I talked out of my arse when I said that? That I am incapable of determining what I can and cannot handle? What is your problem?

I hate it even being said, because it is a stupid invitation to reiterate what you just said. I hate being made to repeat myself. I know what I said, this is my mouth, hon.

Etc.

Friends, true friends, you call on when you need them. That is the difference between friend and acquaintance. I've had these arguments many times - "no, I don't want you to pay for my flight, it is too much of an IOU". Well, girl, this is my entertainment budget, and you are my entertainment. I pay when I go to the movies, too. If you don't trust me not to make demands because I paid your expenses, you shouldn't even visit. If we don 't click, you have a gratis holiday, and your gourmet cook host will serve you dinner by the pool.

Etc.

I just spent two weeks in China to cheer up a former sub, when she mailed me. Stuck in her job, and her boyfriend broke up with her. So I jumped on a plane, took her out for her birthday, spent some time listening to her problems, and by the time I left she had decided to go for her M.Sc., and to find a new apartment. I didn't do that, but helped unstuck her.

And if she hadn't emailed me she might still be stuck, and I would not have the satisfaction I've made a difference, just for a moment, when someone needed that. I had never visited China, apart from Hong Kong, so I had a brilliant time on me own, as well. No, doesn't make me special, just grown up.

So get with the program![:)]



NuevaVida -> RE: Lack of control (11/2/2008 10:39:24 AM)

antipode, will you be my friend? [8D] (kidding)

But I appreciate what you wrote, because it is something I am continually learning. I have had to rely on friends a LOT in the last couple of years and I have felt like a burden. I think this is because I was always the "go-to-girl" and now I'm on the receiving end. It's awkward and feels abnormal.

Believe it or not, I'm mostly learning this lesson from my mother, of all people (we never got along until just a few years ago). I have the annoying habit of asking, "Are you sure?" whenever she offers me something. Now she gets annoyed when I say that, for the same reasons you stated. She asks if I think she is stupid and doesn't know what she is offering the first time. I think I ask that question more for me than for her, though. I need to be OK with receiving, and I am learning to.

I think I'm totally hijacking by writing all this, but your post hit home and I wanted to comment. Thank you for writing it.



littlemisssnarf -> RE: Lack of control (11/2/2008 10:46:19 AM)

thanks antipode - i honestly hadn't thought about it from that perspective.... but you are right!

i am always honoured when a friend comes to me for a shoulder to cry and so i should not deny them the same.....

phew - quite thought provoking and i'm glad you enjoyed China!




GoddessTeaze -> RE: Lack of control (11/5/2008 2:02:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

Friends, true friends, you call on when you need them. That is the difference between friend and acquaintance.


your one of a million,
and your friend is truly blessed
to have you as her friend.

Real friends are hard to find, so I wanted to point that out.

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`



GoddessTeaze -> RE: Lack of control (11/5/2008 2:07:24 PM)

And ofcourse littlemisssnarf,

I wish you all the best, losing someone takes time to get over, so mourn about it, and give yourself time.
Spoil yourself and go out.
All cliches ofcourse, but I wish you the best.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`



lally3 -> RE: Lack of control (11/5/2008 2:47:06 PM)

its a regular thing that people miss the control most.  and im pretty sure lots of people on here have been where you are now. me included.  im trying to remember what i did tho....,

i didnt continue with his rules or anything else, because it was important for me to move on and fast.  i felt lost and turned to friends and used their wisdom and wise words.

ask yourself how you got on before you met him - pick up from there.  then tell yourself that however bad it feels right now, in a while it wont feel so bad and in a longer while it wont feel bad atall - project yourself to that time in the future when this lost feeling will have passed.




oceanwynds -> RE: Lack of control (11/5/2008 4:09:40 PM)

Hi littlemissnarf
I am sorry you are experiencing this. Though my case was different in many ways, when they came and took away the hospital bed, the oxygen etc. after my husband's death, i found myself lost in not knowing what to do. Friends are wonderful thing and please don't think you are over stepping bondaries there.

Many people had told me, in regards to any type of ending, if we can keep some of our rituals and daily duties just for ourself  it helps us to make it through the day. Perhaps this might be something you might want to consider.

Bright blessings
oceanwynds



Huntertn -> RE: Lack of control (11/5/2008 5:44:48 PM)

Real friends Always have a shoulder for you..and as a real friend...so do you...oneo f the perks of life I like to think..



NuevaVida -> RE: Lack of control (11/5/2008 10:02:56 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlemisssnarf

Anyway, my question is what do you do when suddenly the daily duties are no longer there? Feels so strange!!



This happened to me, a few months ago. I created new rituals for myself, and worked on taking my life back. Not easy, especially without his help, which I had hoped to have. One of the most basic things I had to learn was to breathe normally, and take each minute at a time when necessary. I relied on the lessons I learned while with him, and depended on the strength I knew I had. I relied on friends. I relied on myself. I went out a lot, for distractions (movies, shows, etc.). I took my orgasms back. And (and this was the hardest part) I resisted contacting him or talking to him when he contacted me, because I learned that I felt worse for doing so every time. My apartment got really organized. I started a new job shortly after, and invested my energy in my work. I let myself cry, and I cried a lot! I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling. I got on my bike and rode more. I converted my patio from a weed-patched storage yard to a mini paradise - fountain, flowers and other plants, umbrellas, twinkly lights, umbrella, etc. Busy is good. Busy for *me* helped me a great deal, in taking my life back and getting focused.

I do wish you well.



Fizzgig168 -> RE: Lack of control (11/6/2008 10:05:40 AM)

Well, if you're looking for a little control, direction, and ritual... you could just join the military!  They'll tell you just exactly how to live every moment of your life ;)

I truly am sorry to hear you're having a rough time of it, though.  Like others have said, reach out to your friends, reach out to your local BDSM community if you can.  And, of course, remember that "This, too, shall pass."  It always gets easier :)



RealSub58 -> RE: Lack of control (11/6/2008 10:15:01 AM)

I received great advice the other day..........go out and do something totally unsub like! But then going out and doing something you love, without boundaries, without remorse and loving yourself is the best booster picker upper I know of. It's awesome to see this type of post snarf rather than a boo hooo, poor me one.You'll be fine and do take sunshine's advice, it really works.



Barelily -> RE: Lack of control (11/6/2008 12:55:42 PM)

quote:

Anyway, my question is what do you do when suddenly the daily duties are no longer there? Feels so strange!!


I've been slipping away little by little, it's like the truth of me is being absorbed by some great beast. That sounds a tad morbid I know, but I know exactly how you feel without the presence of a Dom. Wait for the one thats feels right for you..he'll come.


Disclaimer: This post was made in response to the post made by littlemisssnarf and is based on my opinion and experiences only.



littlemisssnarf -> RE: Lack of control (11/7/2008 11:42:53 AM)

Ahhh thank you for your kind words of wisdom Goddess.... the ache is slowly passing!

hugs
x



littlemisssnarf -> RE: Lack of control (11/7/2008 11:48:15 AM)

awwwww guys thank you - you are all touching a chord with me.... which is an amazing part of this wonderful lifestyle we all embrace and finally allow ourselves to live freely!

i have taken pieces from all and generally am now quite upbeat - as in my previous post the ache is dulling and shoe shopping has been a great healer!! Nothing like a new pair of heels to put a smile on the face!

i've deleted His numbers and the previous texts and emails that i used to read and then read again - go on you know we all do it - and have been having some fun with my kinky and non kinky friends..... i haven't really had quiet time to myself yet - have been a little worried that the old mind will wander into what if and why land but i am sure that sometime soon i will be realise that i am just sitting and not thinking about all that stuff....

loads of sub love to all that are in the same position and slightly green with envy hugs to those that are with their one!

as i say the sun will shine on the soul - then you just gotta smile!

xx



GoddessTeaze -> RE: Lack of control (11/8/2008 1:10:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlemisssnarf
i have taken pieces from all and generally am now quite upbeat - as in my previous post the ache is dulling and shoe shopping has been a great healer!! Nothing like a new pair of heels to put a smile on the face!

xx

Gotto love
a girl and her shoes [:D]

you go girl !!!!

B safe

GoddezzT`



djaleksandr -> RE: Lack of control (11/8/2008 2:15:12 AM)

Good for you for deleting those messages and going out and having a good time!



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